A/N: Yeah...this is heavy on spoilers for ME3. If you haven't played the game I have two suggestions for you...the first is don't. Keep your memories, your love, pure. The second is if you don't want to be spoiled, don't read on.
A/N2: This is another venting fic, so you're warned that no plot is in evidence. I tossed this out in about an hour and I couldn't find anyone I hated enough to beta it for me. It may have errors. It may make no sense. I figured if the brilliant minds in charge of Mass Effect could toss out a half-assed ending, so could I. Well, no, I really don't believe that. I actually like to believe I have standards when telling a story.
"Hey, Shepard, your biographer sent you another datafile." Kaidan Alenko called as he entered the Captain's cabin of the Normandy, his attention on the file in his hand. "He says…what the hell are you wearing?" The last was a sputter of surprise as he looked up.
Shepard shimmied her breasts into a more comfortable position, snapping the straps of the dress into place on her shoulders and looking down at the thin material hugging her body like a fungus. "I think it's my hooker outfit." She answered smoothing her hands over her stomach to settle some of the ripples. "It's even in N7 colors."
He opened his mouth with an obvious question, paused before shaking his head and then started again. "Okay, I'll start here. Why do you have an N7 hooker outfit? What spec ops mission could you possibly go on that it would be necessary?"
"I think I'm supposed to defeat the Reapers by making them laugh themselves sick." She responded with a shake of her head.
"So instead of being our salvation from destruction they're your salvation from street corners? How much do you intend on charging them?" A corner of his mouth kicked up on a smile.
She gave him a droll look. "What are you, my pimp now?"
"There is no way I can answer that without you resorting to violence, so I'm going to just smile and act like I don't speak the same language that the question is in." He shook his head moving further into the cabin. "Oh, and to answer your next question before you ask…no, that dress doesn't make you look fat. It makes you look like you're wearing no underwear and charge slightly less than a street vendor who serves questionable varran meat on a stick."
Shepard laughed crossing her arms under her breasts. "Kaidan, you're a guy. Isn't this supposed to turn you on?"
He paused and looked at her again. "You dressing like a cheap whore…or a newscaster for some low class extranet site…is supposed to turn me on? Hi, I'm Kaidan Alenko, I don't believe we've met." He extended a hand to her.
Laughing she began stripping out of the dress…an act he watched very avidly…and pulled on a more casual and comfortable outfit.
"Just so we're clear on this, I will say watching you pistol whip a Krogan does more for me than that skankskirt."
"Skankskirt?" Shepard gave a snorting laugh. "Isn't that a bit much?"
"You think?" He paused and considered. "How about slutslip? If you want to put it on again we can go ask Joker what he thinks would be the best thing to call it. He'll either break something laughing or start posting pics of you on the extranet and then you'll break something of his. Like his entire body."
"Joker is never seeing me in that and I'm done with the subject. Some things are better pretending they never existed in the first place." Shepard moved closer, sitting next to him on the couch.
"Speaking of…your biographer sent another datafile. The final chapter of Shepard's story." He held it out to her. "He asked me what I thought your favorite color was, red, blue or green."
"It's purple. When it's not that dark red that starts looking black." Shepard frowned in confusion. "Why would he want to know that?"
"Nope. Not an option. Your only choice is red, blue or green." Kaidan answered with a shrug. "It has something to do with the ending he's chosen for how you defeat the Reapers."
Shepard paused. "A color is going to decide the fate of the Reapers? What varrenshite is that? Might as well have some kid take me by the hand and lead me to my victory."
Kaidan made a grimacing face. "Yeah, about that…" He paused.
Shepard's eyes narrowed. "He's having a kid lead me about? Are you kidding me? I'm an N7 soldier. I can call favors with most of the species in this galaxy and if they don't owe me one, I'll find out what they need done and do it just so I can call in a favor with them. I will gather the greatest damn fleet this Universe has ever seen and I will use it to crush the Reapers. No children will be anywhere near the frontlines if I can help it."
"Oh, you did that in his biography of you." Kaidan agreed with a nod of his head. "Gathered armies, resolved conflicts. And then you get to choose what color you like best to win the war with."
She paused, her mouth shaping words as she tried to form the right question. "That makes no sense, Kaidan. Colors don't win wars. Armies win wars. Every soldier, every ship, every resource I gather takes us one step closer to being able to defeat the Reapers."
Another grimacing face. "Not so much." He said with regret. "You end up on Earth in London, all of those resources gathered and fighting the Reapers and then you somehow get transported to the Citadel. Oh, which is now in Earth's orbit."
"What?" She asked, her expression twisted with confusion. "Since when do Reapers have teleportation technology? Why send all their troops to earth in fireballs that could possibly maim or kill them if they can just transport them into the middle of a hard target and let them go to town?"
"Fireballs look cooler?" Kaidan offered with a shrug. "Oh, and you're going to love this…the reason the Reapers attack and harvest us? It's so we won't be killed by synthetic life forms."
She paused and then started to laugh. "Oh, I get it. This is you talking out of your ass and making it up as you go along. You haven't actually read the datafile and are just trying to troll me. Nice. No sex for you."
"You in the slutskirt kind of put me off it, anyway." He answered in wry tones. "But no, I did read it. That's actually his motivation for the Reapers taking all evolved organic life they find and turning us into goo…so they can save us from being killed by synthetics."
"Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot." All humor on her face died. "The Reapers are synthetics! They're the ones killing us!"
"Yes. So we won't be killed by synthetics."
"Kaidan! I am not drunk enough to understand what the hell that means!"
He gave her a sympathetic smile. "Don't worry, he's going to make sure your choices matter at the end of it all. Red, green or blue?"
"Right now it's red…as in the haze of rage cascading over my eyes!" She snapped.
Kaidan stroked his finger over the datapad until he reached the right screen. "Okay, red ending. Destruction. You used the Crucible…"
"What Crucible? I've never even heard of that before!"
"That's because they tossed it in just for the last part of the story. It's supposed to be a big weapon that will help you defeat the Reapers. Oh, and rather than give you a complicated explanation that would just hurt your brain of how to work it, they were super friendly and color coded the choices for you."
"If you say red, green or blue again, I will hurt you." She growled.
He gave her a speculating look. "Is that the kind of hurt where you dislocate a shoulder and to make it feel better you slam your hand in a door? Because to erase the pain of going through the last chapter of your biography I might consider doing that."
"RED!" She snarled at him.
"You used the crucible to emit a brilliant red beam to defeat the Reapers and utterly destroy them. However, if you didn't recruit enough of your allies or war assets then potentially you also killed all life on Earth as well." Kaidan offered.
"How in hell does how many people I do or do not recruit effect the lethal force of a super weapon I've never even heard of before?" Shepard demanded.
"No, no, no." Kaidan shook his head quickly. "That's one of the few things that actually makes sense. Don't take that triumph from your biographer, it's one of his few ones. The more allies/assets you have the more people you have working to build the Crucible, the better it's built."
Shepard calmed. "Oh. Okay. That does make sense. What happened after I killed all the Reapers? And maybe all life on Earth…wait a minute. Where are you?"
"Oh, I died right before you used the Reaper's teleportation device to get up to the crucible."
"WHAT?" Shepard bellowed in the room.
Kaidan winced covering an ear. "Don't worry, Shepard. Like you in the second part of your biographer's trilogy, I get better."
"My head hurts." Shepard buried her face in her hands.
"Embrace the pain, we still have two colors to go." Kaidan grinned at her. "So, you destroyed all of the Reapers, but it killed you in the process unless you gained enough allies/war assets. Even your being alive is questionable…you breathe once in a pile of rubble."
An inarticulate noise escaped her mouth and she rubbed her forehead. "Okay. Reapers dead. If I go out doing that, I can handle it. So long as Earth lives. That will be worth it. Does the Normandy live?"
"Yes…but mostly no." Kaidan stroked his fingers over the data pad again. "The Normandy is in FTL drive right after you set off the red beam…oh, I forgot to mention, no matter what color you chose all of the mass relays get destroyed." He cut off the sputtering sounds coming from her and continued on. "So, the Normandy is in FTL, Joker at the helm…"
"What the Hell is Joker doing in FTL while Earth is dying? Why isn't he there helping to fight the Reapers?" Shepard demanded outraged.
"Yeah…he was with the Normandy helping fight the Reapers in Earth's orbit. Your biographer really doesn't cover why or how, even, Joker got into FTL." Kaidan continued.
"Did you ask him to clarify?" Shepard snapped, her arms folded over her chest.
"Yes. Mack Walters-Chudson said that he'd rather have lots of speculation from everyone rather than actually answer that question about the endings. Or any question about the endings."
"I have no words. Well, no, that's a lie. I have lots of words but I'm not supposed to say them." Shepard looked at the roof of Normandy cabin. "I also have lots of positions I would like to tell Mack Walters-Chudson to try and fu…"
"Moving on." Kaidan overrode her words. "The red beam catches up with Joker. The Normandy crash lands on a very green planet that I personally call Gilligan's Planet. Joker walks out of the airlock followed by Vega and myself…"
"I thought you were dead."
"I told you I got better. And apparently learned how to teleport myself different places." He continued. "That's the end except for an epilogue scene where an old man is talking to his grandchild about 'the Shepard' and the child expresses a desire to go to space some day. Said child also wants to know what it's like on other planets."
"Wait…what? The red choice is to kill all the Reapers, possibly kill Earth, and human civilization's best hope for continuance is stranded on some undeveloped planet who knows where?" Shepard gave him a careful look.
"Pretty much." He agreed.
"And the first three people out of the Normandy…the first hopes for the continued preservation of humankind are all male?"
Kaidan opened his mouth and paused, thinking about it. "Yes."
"Did anyone else survive?" Shepard asked in overly polite tones.
"Well, Mack Walters-Chudson did make a point of saying that your choices matter so based on your choices, it could be Liara or EDI or Samantha Traynor coming out. Maybe even Garrus." Kaidan winced even as he said the words.
"So a pilot with a genetic disease, two alpha males, a committed lesbian, an asari, a turian and a sentient synthetic life form are humanities best hope for procreation and saving the species?" Shepard paused and considered what she said. "There's a joke in there somewhere, I know it."
Kaidan sighed. "Yes. That's pretty much it."
"Okay. Red choice is stupid. Let's try green. Do I live?" The last was asked in bright tones.
"No. The Red choice is the only option where you have any chance of living. Your body is seen taking a single breath."
"Probably relief that the damn thing was over and Mack Walters-Chudson could no longer screw with my story." Shepard mused in speculative tones. "Okay. I'm dead. Reapers dead…"
"Uh, not so much." Kaidan shook his head. "Choosing green melds all synthetic and organic life in the galaxy into a hybrid. Human, turian, asari, reaper…"
"What? I choose green and do the Reapers job for them? That's insane!" Shepard's voice rose with outrage. "What the hell have I been fighting the last several years for if all I'm going to do is make it easy on the Reapers to complete their task!" A palm smacked against her forehead. "But the rest of the ending is different, right? We live together on Earth, happy ever after…"
"Again...not so much." Kaidan gave another negative shake of his head. "Your body is destroyed when you become one with the green beam. The beam shoots out, destroys the relays, Joker crash lands the Normandy on Gilligan's Planet and he walks out with eyes that look just like the Illusive Man's."
Shepard paused. "Oh, but it cured his vrolex's, right? That would…stop shaking your head."
"It's one of those 'lots of speculation for everyone' situations, but Joker is still limping even with his glowy new eyes."
A growling noise escaped from her throat. "Okay. Red choice is dumb. Green choice is dumber. Let's try blue. I live right? Blue's always the goody-goody choice with birds chirping, children singing…you're shaking your head again."
"You die, your body is dissolved in the blue beam as you take control of the Reapers and basically enslave them the way the Illusive Man wants you to. You…"
"Wait!" She held up a hand. "If I'm dead, my body gone, how can I be controlling the Reapers?"
"No idea. I'm sure there will be lots of speculation from everyone…"
"If you say those words again, I will hurt you." Shepard told him in calm, even tones, her expression utterly serious.
Clearing his throat to hide a laugh, Kaidan gave a solemn nod. "So, you die, then command the Reapers to leave Earth, blue beam destroys the…"
"…mass relays, Joker crash lands on Gilligan's Planet and humanity's best chance at procreation and survival becomes a wiseass with a genetic disease, two males, a lesbian, an asari, a turian and a sentient synthetic life form." Shepard finished for him.
"Yes. See how your choices matter at the end?"
"I'm still speculating." She retorted and had him laughing. "That is…terrible. Worse…it's stupid. How is that supposed to be the epic end of my grand fight to save humanity?"
"Shhhh…your questions will only ruin the grand finale of your story." He placed a mocking finger over her lips.
"It's too fucking late for me to ruin it! That hack Mack Walters-CHudson already did a sterling job of it!" She shouted lurching to her feet. "This…this has to be fixed. There should be petitions. There should be polls and demands for a better ending! This has to be resolved! My story is too epic to be ended so badly. Geez, I'm actually glad they killed me off so I wouldn't have to live through it!" Her fists clenched and unclenched. "Quick…help me think of something to express my rage at this debacle."
"Kick a puppy? Drown a kitten? Pull off Tali's face mask down in the cargo bay next to where Vega is constantly sweating and working out?"
"No to the first two…but that last one…" She cut herself off shaking her head. "No. No, I must be mature about my outrage and handle this like an adult!"
Kaidan gave her an alarmed look. "What are you planning to do?" He asked with caution.
"The only thing I can do, Kaidan. The only thing that will take this bitter taste out of my mouth." She lit up her omni-tool. "I'm going to attempt fanfic."
Kaidan winced and began to shake his head. "Damn you, Mack Walters-Chudson, for making it come to this. Damn you to hell."