This oneshot contains triggering content (self harm/violence) and should not be read by those who may be affected

-x-

It was colder now, Emily noticed as she curled into herself more on the tiled floor. The adrenaline was racing as fast as her mind was before she had done it and she hadn't even noticed, but now she had. She can feel the breeze rushing in through the window which seems to only be open a crack, but it feels like it's snowing to her.

She can't get up, can't move, can't think, not rationally anyway, otherwise she wouldn't have done this with her wife of six months sleeping in the room next to her. How could she tell her? She'd notice the cuts, and expect her to explain anyway so it'd be best to just come out with it tomorrow morning over breakfast, or on the car ride to work, just soon.

The guilt she felt began to override her thoughts, why did she go back to this? She'd been clean for so long, doing so good, all her scars from her teenage years and college were almost completely unnoticeable to anyone who wouldn't be looking for them. She's so weak, this was a teenagers way of coping, certainly not the coping mechanisms of a woman in her early 30's.

This was definitely a mistake. But if that was true why did this relax her more than her wife's comforting words, her reassurance that the events of the case that led to that 9 year old boy dying wasn't her fault? She knew, from the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach before they even boarded the jet for home that this was what she needed. She needed this familiar pain.

Emily knew in her heart this would crush her wife. It's not something to be proud of- no pride would be from her holding herself together and being strong. Not this. What about disappointment? She'd wonder why she couldn't talk, or at least wake her up before she resorted to this.

So there she was, on that bathroom floor, perfectly aware she was potentially ruining her life all over again, and not caring in the least. At best, she knew now she'd get some sleep tonight.

"Emily?" her wife's panicked tone tore the woman from her thoughts "Em, what did you do?"

JJ quickly drops to her knees beside her wife, and pressed a towel from their side table to Emily's bloody forearm "Baby, it's okay, can you get up?"

Emily knew she was attempting to put on a brave face for her benefit, but it didn't help, this was the first time the blonde had witnessed her like this, and Emily accepted that it must be difficult.

"I'm sorry Jennifer" Emily managed to whisper out as she was helped to her feet and out to sit on their bed

"Don't be sorry my love, do you want to talk about why you did it?" JJ knew why, she knew exactly why but she wanted Emily to say it. She had always known her wife bottled things up, compartmentalised until she had an eventual emotional break, but this was different and frightening. She knew Emily needed to talk about this before it got worse.

"I don't know what to say Jen, I-I should've been quicker, I should've seen it when we put together the profile- I should've taken that shot before he had that chance"

JJ just listened as her wife tried to explain and once she was sure Emily wasn't going to say more she began to speak again "Emily, sweetheart, you didn't do anything wrong. Any of us had that opportunity to spot that in the profile but we didn't, you can't blame yourself- and as for the shot, you wanted a clean arrest, which is understandable- he just wanted to torture us one last time Em, you are not responsible for that boy dying, you didn't shoot him"

Emily nodded showing she registered what her wife said but didn't bother replying, she still felt guilty.

"Can I look at them- just to see if I should dress them or anything?" JJ asked as she toyed with the edge of the blood stained towel, obviously unsure at what she should do in this situation

"They aren't that deep, they probably just need cleaning" Emily noted out loud, but once JJ removed the towel she realised that her wife was very much downplaying her injuries

"I'll be back in a minute Em, I need to get the first aid kit" she re-covered the wounds, knowing Emily wouldn't want to sit looking at them, and she quickly retrieved the first aid kit they kept in their living room cabinet

Once back, she cleaned and dressed the six medium sized cuts, which thankfully the bleeding had slowed from "Now, there you go" JJ said as she interlocked their fingers "Emily, you should lie down"

Emily wordlessly followed her wife's instructions, and lay in their bed, facing away from the blonde, wrapped in their duvet, prompting JJ to lay in behind her and wrap her arm around the dark haired womans waist. They didn't often lie like this, usually Emily had her arms around JJ, but tonight they both needed this.

"I love you Emily Prentiss" JJ ran her hand over Emily's side, which prompted her to notice the woman's shakes, attempting to cry silently "that's okay my love, let it out. I'm here"

"Please- don't leave Jen" Emily managed to get out through her tears, and her words caused the heaviness in her wife's heart to triple

"Never Emily, I wouldn't dream of it" she attempted to reassure the distraught woman but she didn't think anything could do that right now Emily ended up crying herself to sleep in her wifes arms, but JJ was just relieved the other woman was sleeping again. She hated how Emily had tortured herself over this case but she just had to do what she could to help her through it, and hope it built the woman back up again.

"Everything's okay, I'm staying here Emily and I love you unconditionally" JJ stroked her hair while she slept, knowing it would offer some comfort.

She knew this wasn't going to be easy, for either of them but JJ knew she would rather be here with Emily like this than be anywhere else. They'll be okay, Emily will be okay, once she has a strong support around her- and JJ vowed to be just that.