Big Damn Asakura

By Darker Charon

Disclaimer: The following is a crack fan fiction. It features characters that were created by Nagaru Tanigawa. There will be Out of Character moments for the Haruhi cast as this is a crack fic, and that means that situations and characterizations that are impossible in canon will be used in this piece of fiction. The various stories, and parodies will contain spoilers for every novel including the very latest one, Surprise of Haruhi Suzumiya. Names will be presented in western order(I ought to try to do this with the way the Japanese order them one of these days). To sum up, I own nothing, I claim nothing except for intentionally bad OCs inserted for laughs(maybe).

Chapter 1: Aliens Vs Pedobear

Canada was too damn cold for at least half of the terrestrial year. Ryouko Asakura, blue-haired sexy yandere and Living Humanoid Interface for the pan-dimensional Integrated Data Sentience Entity(which some for unknown reasons, called the Data Overmind), lamented this meteorological observation while making her almost daily run to Tim Hortons. At least, Canada had donuts that were worth stabbing for. They also had a sport that appealed to her, namely the one where they actually could hit people for no apparent reason whatsoever, and of course, there was always the risk of a skate accidentally cutting someone. Although the name hockey could use work. She always would call it to herself Death Puck. Naturally, her two closest compatriots who represented other schools of thought disagreed with her. She sometimes got really annoyed at being a dual citizen of Canada and Japan, a quirk that was originated from an action that Yuki Nagato, a lavender-haired LHI with a bob cut, took in order to cover up her sudden departure from Nishinomiya North High. The Tim Hortons that Ryouko was at was at least not crowded, and it was early in June so the best three months of Canadian weather was underway. The green tea that she was drinking had her in one of her better moods. Then again, her urge to kill Kyon had dramatically lessened since last December 21st. Every interface knew about Yuki's illegal operation that ultimately only lasted fifteen minutes thanks to Kyon, and every interface knew about the message that he sent to the IDSE. It was one of the most radical actions that a mere human has ever taken, and he did it to protect Yuki. As a Radical herself, Ryouko gained respect for the human that they had called "the unknown factor". Of course, she also felt personally grateful that the boy stood up for Yuki too since she was the closest thing she'd ever have to a sister. Yes, she had thought, Yuki and I are not that different. She too desired the same thing from Kyon, although she would never admit it.

So it was just another uneventful day until Ryouko felt the distinct aura of an incoming message. Since interfaces didn't need words to communicate with each other, she received the data sent to her from Emiri Kimidori, who was her superior and a LHI that was placed as a second-year student that was the Secretary to the Student Council and who looked like a quiet, calm, shy girl with celery green-hair that was medium-length. She saw the usual location for their meetings: Emiri's apartment. She then finished the rest of her tea, and headed back to her own apartment which thankfully was only a block away. From there, she'd just open up the usual wormhole and arrive at Emiri's place. She wasn't looking forward to seeing Emiri's various doujins scattered all over the place, like the Kanokon ones and especially the hentai ones. Honestly, between Emiri's doujin collection and Yuki's eroge pile, it was hard to be the non-screwball interface in Nishinomiya.

Ryouko sighed as she appeared in the middle of a pile of some very questionable doujins that had a 12-year old Sousuke Sagara and a gender bent Gauron. Or it could have been Gauron cross-dressing for all she knew. She really didn't understand much of how male and female humans differed in sex characteristics other than that the females had large mammary glands and males had an elongated tube-like organ where size roughly corresponded with shoe size and had an inverse relation to the size of the automobile driven by the human. Or so she heard from Yuki's study on the subject, and she could imagine Taniguchi driving off the lot in a used Humvee.

She quickly walked to the other room where Yuki and Emiri were already sitting, and presumably waiting for her. Emiri looked like she had been crying for a while, but that wasn't what concerned Ryouko. No, Emiri's face looked like it could scare Kuyoh Suoh with the intensity of hatred in her eyes. "Is Kyon responsible?"

Emiri's voice sounded unusually shrill. "You think I give a crap about Kyon or anything that guy does? I could have dealt with him myself, you idiot."

Yuki chimed in with "What she is trying to say is that Kyon isn't the reason of our meeting, so you can't scare him, pretend you're his girlfriend to Haruhi, poison him or generally do anything knife-related within 500 feet of him."

Ryouko said "Kuso. I had these exploding cigars that I was going to give him for his birthday, but I will just have to give them to Weegee instead."

Yuki shuddered. Then Emiri said "Ryouko, I ask of you to help me avenge my Kuni-pie."

Ryouko and Yuki simultaneously said "Yare yare."

An angry knock at the door then occurred and Emiri opened it. Kyon and Sasaki who were just happening to pass by said "That's our line." Then they merrily went on their way.

Emiri then went back to where she was talking with the other two interfaces. "My Kuni-pie will never ever ever be the same again, and he won't let me his sweet and adoring Emiri comfort him so…" Emiri's eyes blazed like fire and she said in a high-pitched, shrill and angry voice "we're going to murder that stupid bear who tried to touch my precious Kunikida."

Ryouko looked at Yuki who frankly didn't give a rat's ass about Kunikida. She probably tore Yuki away from Siscapololypse to deal with some bothersome little bear for some underdeveloped guy that liked someone else. She sympathized with Yuki as she also found Kunikida more boring than Taniguchi and that's saying something. "Didn't he tell you that he liked Tsuruya and repeated himself six times?"

Yuki nodded "It happened."

Emiri then said "One of these days, he'll see that she will never love him and that I will give all the marshmallows he needs."

Yuki spit out her glass of water, and Ryouko had no idea what she meant. "You lost me." Ryouko said.

Yuki muttered something about 4chan. Ryouko wondered if that was a nickname for Kyon. Then Emiri glared at both of them.

"So I propose that the three of us hunt down Pedobear, and that we make sure that he understands that Kunikida is mine!"

Ryouko then said "And people think I'm the yandere." And she shakes her head.

Yuki then said "You are fixated on one guy, Ryouko. And when Kuyoh tried to have…."

Ryouko blushed and said "I just wanted to make sure she knew that he was mine to kill. And mine to play with if I am so inclined to be merciful to an ordinary human like him. I didn't interrupt them because I was jealous."

Emiri then said "Will you two stop talking about Kyon? Get a room with him at a love motel already. We are here to deal with Pedobear and then console poor Kunikida."

Ryouko facepalmed and then Yuki did. She noted that she picked up the habit from Kyon. "Fine, where is this irrelevant little ursine nuisance?"

Emiri then said "The IDSE has located him just outside a playground in Kobe"

Ryouko checked to make sure that each of her half dozen of knives were announced for, and then made sure she still had a katana within reach of her trench coat. She didn't know what Yuki or Emiri had for weapons, but then again, they were interfaces and were just as deadly with their kung fu. "Let's get me a new carpet."

The trio called a taxi, and five minutes later, Arakawa almost ran over Emiri as the three interfaces told the erstwhile Agency support guy to take them to a specific playground in Kobe. The old guy told them "Just between us, show no mercy to that bear. And remember, I was just passing through."

10 harrowing minutes and an Initial D cutscene later, they had arrived at their destination, and Yuki took care of their fare and their tip. Then the interfaces spotted their quarry, and moved faster than a Kim Kardashian marriage to…

Yuki said "Who's Kim Kardashian?"

Ryouko then said. "Just some fame-hungry person that is a celebrity for no good reason. The new Paris Hilton if you will."

Then the Narrator reminded Yuki to fix the broken fourth wall, and the interfaces make haste to challenge Pedobear.

The ursine memetic character then said "You three are too old for me."

Ryouko then said "Technically, we are four years old."

The bear said "Such a tragedy. "

Emiri then said "Listen up, Pedobear. I am your opponent, and I shall punish you…in the Name of Kunikida and the Moon."

Yuki then said "We are so getting sued."

Ryouko then said "What my in-no-way ripping off Sailor Moon associate was trying to say was. Get yer Knives On!"

Yuki sighed and deadpanned "You should know that victory comes to those with Courage. Rawr."

The bear sweatdropped. "If you strike me…."

That sentence was never finished as Ryouko let her six knives fly and the bear fell down. She then said "It's been revoked."

Wait, that didn't even make sense. Tell 'em Yuki.

"Yes, the Narrator is right. We will have to do this whole scene all over again. I mean, the bear was way off his mark to begin with, and then he said the wrong damn line, and….I'm just going back to play that fighting game that I was really getting into when Emiri called me and told me that there was a dire emergency that we had to deal with or life as we know it would end. Yeah…I'm going to be as out as Dumbledore."

The bear got back up. "Wait….let's just go back to after Yuki says the super robot line, and then."

The Narrator says "Let's try this again"

The bear says "You can't touch me…Diplomatic Immunity!"

Yuki pulls out a revolver and then fires it at the bear. "It's been revoked." Then she blows the smoke away from her gun. Then she puts it away and she pulls out a book. She then tosses it as the now-dead bear. "Vampires do not under any circumstances sparkle." Ryouko is amazed that Yuki had the constitution to make it through that horrible joke of a book named Twilight.

Emiri smiled. "Our work here is done." They start walking together towards the sunset. "Now, party at Kunikida's house?"

Ryouko, Yuki, Kyon, Sasaki, the cast of Lucky Star, the entire cast of K-ON and Shana herself all face palmed and said "Yare Yare."

The End.

A/N: This was my attempt at writing crack for a whole chapter and not for a small Omake after a story. Please review and let me know how I did on this one. You may also PM me ideas for what everybody's favorite Canadian alien should do.