A/N: Warning: This is a story about the pain that comes from suicide. I know this can be a difficult subject for some people; so I don't want to take anyone by surprise. It was inspired by listening to "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry (and that's where the title comes from), but it doesn't really have much to do with the song. It came on the radio one day and the idea popped into my head. Yes, I'm that twisted. :) Just be aware of the subject matter because I don't treat it lightly.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, the NCIS character or the lyrics written by The Band Perry. I'm not making money off this story.
Gather Up Your Tears
by Enthusiastic Fish
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em
The sharp knife of a short life
I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls.
~ "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry
Prologue
Sarah sighed. "I don't know, Tim. I just thought that...that I'd be better at all this."
Tim smiled.
"Hey, grad school is supposed to be hard."
"Everything I turn in comes back bleeding red. You never had all this trouble with your program."
"Sarah, what I did in grad school is totally different. I had to learn processes and research. Literature, writing...that's a lot of creativity. You always told me that I'm not a very good writer. It's a good thing I didn't try to do what you're doing."
"But you're the one with a published bestseller. I can't even get a good grade on a stupid paper."
She slumped back and stared at the ceiling.
"What am I doing wrong, Tim?"
"Hey!" Tim slid around the table and put his arm around her shoulders, forcing her to sit up. "Hey, that's no way to think. You're not doing anything wrong. Grad school is like I imagine boot camp. They tear you down so that they can build you up even higher. They're the ones who admitted you in the first place, Sarah. They obviously liked what they saw in your application. Don't let finals bring you down."
Sarah shook her head. "Dad talks about you all the time in his classes, but I'll bet he never mentions me...unless as a bad example."
"Now, come on, Sarah. Mom and Dad will always be happy as long as you're happy. If you're not liking this anymore...maybe you should think about going a different direction."
"Like what?" Sarah asked, glumly. "Typewriter maintenance?"
Tim laughed a little. "Sarah, you're really smart. You're a much better writer than I am. Just give it a chance. There's only a couple of weeks left in the semester. So when you're done, I think you should take the summer off."
"I can't do that."
"Yeah, you can. You can always take time off if it's wearing you down...and you should. This isn't like you, Sarah. You've always been a lot more confident than I am. What's happened?"
"Being forced to face my own mediocrity."
"You're not mediocre. You're my sister and you're good at what you're doing. You just need to get into a groove."
"I don't think I'm going to, Tim." Sarah shook her head. "Ever since Sam was killed...it just feels like my life has been off track, and I can't seem to get it back on."
"Sarah, that was years ago."
"I know," Sarah said. "I know. Timmy, what do I do?"
Tim felt a little worried now. He hugged her tightly.
"You get through these next two weeks and then you go home and spend some time with family."
"Don't you count?" Sarah asked with a bit of a smile.
"Of course, I do. Maybe I can get some time off and we can have a real McGee reunion."
Sarah's smile slipped. "You're always so busy, Tim. How likely is that to happen? We're in the same city and I still only see you once in a while."
"You want to try staying with me for the next couple of weeks?" Tim asked. "I'll be in and out a lot, but we could at least hang out when I wasn't working."
"When? At midnight? I'm so swamped with papers right now that I barely see anything besides the old books I have to read."
Tim had to admit that there was a lot of truth to that. He'd been getting home after nine almost every night for the last month. This was the first Sunday he hadn't been called in to work for a while. The problem wasn't the cases so much as it was Cybercrimes being suddenly shorthanded. They hadn't had time to hire anyone yet. Tim was the most qualified to step in and that meant extremely long days, and some longer nights. In truth, he was feeling worn out himself and would love the break.
"Well, you know that you can always call. I can't always answer, but I'll return the call as soon as I can."
Sarah smiled, but she seemed sad, still. Tim made a mental note to call home and tell his parents about Sarah's newfound depression.
"Really, Sarah. You're my sister, and I love you. It's my job to make sure you're happy and safe. Mom told me so when you first moved here."
"Oh, Tim. I'm old enough to take care of myself. I'm just tired."
"Then, you need to take a break. I understand if you don't feel like you can right now, but it's only two more weeks and then you're free. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not allowed to take a break."
"That goes for you, too, Agent McGee."
Tim smiled. "This is only temporary. Once they get their new hire, I'll be back to my regular...irregular schedule."
"You look tired, too. I shouldn't have dumped all this on you."
"Yes, you should have. I'm your big brother, and what else am I good for if not looking out for my baby sister?"
"You're way too nice to me, Tim. I'm always putting you down."
"No, you're not," Tim said. "All siblings bicker. That's normal."
"You would have given up your job for me and all I could do was denigrate your writing. Your best-selling book."
Tim shook Sarah a little bit. "Now, stop it. Sarah, I love you and that will never change. Ever. There is nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you. We take care of each other, and if you're having a hard time, I want you to call me. If there's any way I can, I'll come and talk to you."
"I know you would," Sarah said with a smile. "You're a great brother, Tim. The best one I have."
"I'm the only one you have," Tim said with a chuckle.
"I know, but it doesn't matter. You're still the best one."
"And you're the best sister."
Then, Tim's phone started ringing. He groaned, knowing it was going to be another call into work. Sarah pulled back gave him an understanding smile.
"Sorry, Sarah. Let me answer this, as if I didn't know what it was going to be." Tim pulled out his phone. "McGee."
"Boss, we're having a meltdown here. I think every single computer in this room is falling apart."
"All right. I'll be right over." Tim hung up and looked at Sarah. "Got to go and put out another fire. Sorry, Sarah. You want me to call you when I'm done tonight?"
"No. It won't be until late. I can tell by your face. You need your sleep. I'll just...see you when I see you."
"Things will get better," Tim said and stood up from the table.
Sarah suddenly hugged him tightly around the waist.
"I love you, Tim."
"I love you, too, Sarah. Always." He kissed the top of her head. Even though Sarah was now in her mid-twenties, he couldn't help but think of her as his baby sister. Her height (or lack thereof) probably contributed to it somewhat. "You want a ride back?"
"No, I'll make it. You just get to work saving the world."
"Just the computers, Sarah. Nothing more."
"Yeah." Sarah smiled and headed off to the Metro. Tim watched her go, still a little worried but then he remembered his task and sighed. He really hoped this was done soon. He couldn't take this schedule.
He was stuck at NCIS until eleven that night. He put off calling his parents until the next day because he knew that they'd be asleep right now...like he wanted to be.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song.
The sharp knife of a short life.
I've had just enough time.