Time to Let Go
Tifa looked at the clock. It was almost three in the morning. She'd heard the front door of the bar open then quickly shut. Lying in her bed, she let out a sigh. It was the third time that week that Cloud came home late. Usually it would bother her enough to get her to start nagging, but this time in the year, she let it pass. It was after all, one week's time before Aeris' third death anniversary.
While three years had passed since that fateful day, it had taken both Tifa and Cloud a long time to heal. It took Cloud more than two years to even start forgiving himself.
She heard a knock at her door. Tifa sat up in her bed, knowing Cloud too well. "Come in," she said loud enough for him to hear.
He walked into her room and sat himself on the edge of her bed. "Sorry I'm late." His voice was quiet and subdued.
She shook her head. "It's okay. I know," she assured softly, reaching forward to take his hand.
Cloud studied their hands together. For so long, he couldn't open up to Tifa because every thought, every feeling coursing through him helplessly became so focused on another woman; the woman he'd loved and lost.
"Tell me how you two met," Tifa urged softly, squeezing his hand.
Cloud closed his eyes and immersed himself in memories of her. It had become like second nature for him to close himself off to the world and live in his own dreams and thoughts.
"She was trying to sell me a flower. You know how Aeris is always smiling in that…playful way?"
Tifa remembered it well. "Yes I do."
"She didn't know me, I didn't know her. But she had that smile on her face. I bought a flower anyway. That was it." Cloud opened his eyes and stared absently at the floor. "Then the next time we met…was at her church. I fell through the roof and landed on her flowers. Yellow and white flowers," he recalled quietly. After a moment's pause, he continued. "She was really happy, wasn't she?"
"Yeah. Nothing made Aeris mad. Well…unless it was me spending extra time with you," Tifa said lightly, getting a small smile out of Cloud. "But Aeris was always very happy, especially when you were around." Tifa looked down at their hands. "She really loved you, Cloud. I could see it; the way she looked at you or leaned on you and kept saying 'my bodyguard.' We always argued who loved you more," Tifa added amiably.
Cloud felt that ache settle in. It was never going to go away. It would always be there. Unconsciously he gripped onto Tifa's hand tighter.
"Then she'd always tell me how she loved you more than I did, even if she only knew you for such a short time. And it wasn't because you reminded her of Zack, but because of who you were. The quiet, awkward Cloud who protected her unconditionally; who came looking for her even when she was nowhere to be found." Tifa felt a hot ball of tears rising in her throat. She swallowed, wanting to be strong for Cloud.
His vision began to blur. She moved closer and put an arm over his shoulders.
"Aeris is always around, isn't she? No matter how many years pass, she'll always be in our hearts, won't she, Cloud?"
He knew Aeris would always be with him, imprinted inside his heart as long as he lived.
Tifa knew Aeris and Cloud shared a special, irreplaceable bond, especially after her death. And it was okay. Because she knew what it meant to truly love someone. It meant to love who they loved too.
"Aeris, I'm trying my best to take good care of him," Tifa spoke faintly. She looked up at the darkness. She had felt it; this warm, gentle wind. Aeris was there. "I'm doing my best like you asked me to."
Cloud's gaze lifted and met Tifa's. His eyes were filled with sorrow.
"What do you want to tell her Cloud?"
He saw a tear rolling down Tifa's cheek. He carefully wiped it away with his thumb. His heart was in pain. He looked away, unable to speak.
His gaze landed on the bouquet of yellow flowers sitting on Tifa's desk. Then he broke down. Cloud's head fell. He brought his hand to cover his face.
His voice only a whisper. "I miss you so much."
He'd loved her for so long and held onto those feelings even while knowing he would never be able to touch her again. And he was tired; tired of the pain, of waiting when he'd ever get the chance to hold her in his arms again.
Tifa embraced Cloud tightly, wanting to share his pain.
Cloud let the tears flow. He buried his head on her shoulder and let his grief come over him. Three years and still there was all this sadness inside him. While the blame and guilt had passed, his love for her still resonated.
"It's okay, sweetie," Tifa murmured lovingly, brushing his hair. "Aeris knows."
After what seemed like hours, Cloud retreated. When he looked down at Tifa, he saw the compassion in her eyes. She really loved him all this time, didn't she? She was the most understanding person he knew. He'd never been more grateful for her friendship, her love, and her presence; the mere fact that she was alive and well was enough.
Looking into her eyes, he spoke. "Thank you."
"You know I'll always love you, right?" She reminded lightly, though her heart was in pain. She could see in his eyes, the one true love of his life wasn't her. She knew how much he loved Aeris. Tifa had promised him she'd always be there for him, so…she would be there and she would wait, until he was ready.
Cloud said the truth, which was exactly what she deserved. "I love you too."
"Then that's good enough for me." Though he'd meant it in the way best friends said it to each other, it still felt good to hear it. Tifa gathered him in her arms again. "I'll be here always Cloud. I'll wait for you, no matter how long it takes."
In need of assurance that he would survive this, Cloud asked, almost in desperation, "I'll be able to let her go someday, right?"
It made her want to cry for him. "Someday, you will. But right now, just take it all in, Cloud. Cry out all the tears for her first. Let yourself feel everything," she advised gently. "Don't feel bad about loving her and missing her. Let it all out. Okay?"
**
He sat at one of the pews. Cloud looked down at the small pond at the center of the beaten-down church, filled with floating petals from the yellow and white flowers growing around it. He used to spend hours just sitting where he was, thinking about the past and imagining what could have been. It had become more painful as the days went by until eventually he learned he was becoming entirely too depressed and lonely because of it.
"You know, it's okay to let me go."
Cloud's head snapped up. He saw her, standing by the flowers. She had her hands clasped together behind her. Her clothes were the same as when she'd died three years ago. But the clothes were brilliantly shining now; no trace of the blood that had soaked through them that day.
Aeris only appeared to him every once in a while. These moments had become so precious. At the sight of her now, he sat frozen in his seat, staring at her longingly and sadly. How he wanted to touch her, to just hold her hand, feel the warmth of her skin.
A smile appeared on her features. Her green eyes twinkled. "Someday Cloud we'll be together again, I promise. But for now…live your life happily and without regret!"
He swallowed, finally finding the strength to stand up. He willed his legs to move, but they remained in place. Frustrated, he shut his eyes and pushed himself forward. He began to walk closer to her, tentatively and carefully. The smile on her face faded as she realized what he was about to do.
When he was near enough to touch her, he reached out.
Then he saw the anguish flash in her eyes. Her lip quivered. She knew what was going to happen. She watched as his fingers neared her skin. "Cloud," she murmured in desperation. "No…" His fingers went through her. She bit back the sob threatening to come out of her lips.
"Dammit," he muttered. In misery, he clutched at his forehead. His fingers dug deep into his skin. He looked at her, studying her face like a lover would. He memorized the shape of her face, the lines, the softness of her lips, her small, pointed nose, and the way her eyes just looked right into his soul. She was so beautiful.
"Cloud, you know I'm always here," she placed her hand over his chest. He couldn't feel a thing. "And here," she reached upward and let her index finger sit on his temple. "As long as I'm there, you can always see me whenever you want." She turned around and began to walk away from him. "But…"
He stared at her. After several steps, she turned back around, her eyes sad, but her mouth curved upwards. "It's time for someone else to love you, Cloud. I know there's a girl who loves you almost as much as I do. And she's lucky enough to be there right beside you, in your world. So." Aeris angled her head to the side, looking up at him with those big green eyes. "Let me go. Let someone else in your heart now."
When he didn't say a word, she sighed deeply, partly to tease him. "Hmmm. Or do I have to completely disappear for you to move on?"
Cloud's gaze never wavered. He continued to stare at her intensely.
Aeris knew the words were like daggers in both their hearts. She shook her head. "Promise me you'll try. I just want you to be happy."
"I love you."
Her smile brightened. Her eyes twinkled again. "I know." Then she walked quickly over to him and went on her tiptoes. When her face was two inches away from his own, their eyes stared into each other's. It was like time stood still. He'd never felt as contented as he did now.
She moved closer and let her lips touch his. Neither felt the touch, but they saw it. And it would have to be good enough. Their eyes remained on each other, even as Aeris began to pull away. She rocked back on her heels and angled her head upward to keep her gaze on him. "You heard everything I said, right?"
He nodded.
Aeris began to walk away, her dress swaying at the bottom by her ankles. She sent him a playful look over her shoulder. "Goodbye Cloud." With one last smile, her image faded into thin air.
It had been a while since he felt at peace like this. He took one last look at the pond and the flowers, then turned and marched to the church doors. For Aeris, he was going to try.
The End