A/N: Please see the end for notes – all I want to say is that this is set in the same 'verse as "A Million Holes Poked in the Soul" and "The Ocean Breathes Salty" and give a TW for discussion of serious life-threatening illness and what can come with it.
This is dedicated to My Love
who has lit up my life like a lightning storm –
thunderous and bold, ringing in a new beginning after the rain has gone
Don't Let Me Be Gone
"Though I'm weak and beaten down,
I'll slip away into this sound,
The ghost of you is close to me,
I'm inside-out, you're underneath."
"Goner" – Twenty One Pilots
If anyone had asked the glowing cliffs of Broadchurch to tell a tale of the humans who had wandered their edges for an eternity, they would have told a story of tragedy and sorrow, of love lost and found, of life and death. Maybe the night a young boy had been murdered on top of Harbor Cliff and had been left on the beach might have stood out to them. Maybe this night when those who had been touched by the tale of the boy returned to the cliffs many years thereafter would have as well.
It was around summer solstice, and daylight lasted late into the evening. The warm breeze carried the salt of the ocean with it, billowing the flaps of a large white tent. A never-ending sunset bathed the cliff and the tent in a purple light.
Music drifted with the wind over to where a lonely figure stood, staring out into the horizon. He stood tall, a kilt hugging his slender hips. His shaggy auburn hair glowed golden in the vanishing light.
Another figure walked up to him whose broad shape eclipsed the thinner man. His salt and pepper hair had long since turned grey, and the setting sun played with the silvery strands. He tugged on his kilt when he got closer.
"You ready for this, mate?" Duncan asked his oldest friend.
Alec shook his head. "No, I don't think I am. But then I'll never be," he conceded with a small smile.
Duncan squinted against the rays of sun. His friend was suspiciously grey in the face, even in the fading light. A deep furrowed creased his forehead. He had witnessed Alec one too many times succumbing to his heart condition. It was obvious they were living on borrowed time. Duncan closed the distance between them and took Alec's arm, anticipating the need to steady him when he finally swayed.
"You shouldn't stand out here by yourself this close to the edge, Alec. Not safe for someone with a crummy heart," Duncan chastised him.
Alec scoffed. He struggled to catch his breath, leaning heavily on Duncan. "I've been closer to the edge, believe me," he managed to say. Eventually, he flinched slightly and rubbed his chest. His face was drawn in pain.
They waited in silence until Alec recovered.
"When was the last time you saw your doctor?" Duncan had grown into the habit of keeping Alec in line with his medical appointments.
Alec sighed. "I'm not an invalid, Duncan. I can take care of myself."
Duncan snorted. "Right. And I just won a BAFTA. So, when then?"
"Last week. Made sure I'm as ready as I can be for this. And before you ask, I did tell her about the dance. She instructed me to take it slow and to see how it goes. I think to anyone else she would have said no. God, she knows me so well by now."
Alec smiled, a sheepish expression on his face. Rubbing the back of his head, he took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. His gaze traveled out over the ocean again. His voice was trembling when he quietly confessed, "I thought I would never make it to this day. After everything that happened."
A shiver ran through him, prompted by a sudden cold gust of wind. Or maybe it was his emotions getting the better of him. Duncan put his arm around Alec's thin shoulders and tugged him close.
"But you did. And I never had any doubt. You're way too stubborn and a pain in the arse to simply go away."
A grunt was all the acknowledgment he got. Duncan tightened his grip. He didn't like how skinny Alec felt under his hand. He must have lost more weight. Duncan filed away his concern for a later time. Maybe he'll have a word with Ellie instead. He didn't want to spoil the day for Alec.
He also didn't like how Alec's labored breathing hadn't gotten any better. He thought it best to bring him back to the warmth of the tent.
"Let's go and give that girl of yours the dance she wanted, ey?" he suggested gently.
Alec nodded and turned toward the tent. Duncan didn't know what song they had picked. Father and daughter had kept it a secret, even Cory didn't know. He had an inkling which one it might be and it made him anxious, considering Alec's fragile state.
They slowly walked back, Duncan matching Alec's pace. When they got closer to the tent, a woman approached them. She was wearing a bright orange dress which surprisingly matched Alec's kilt and shirt. She looked gorgeous, curls unruly as always.
"Ah, there you are. Was worried there for a moment." She smiled and tucked her arm under Alec's.
"Ach, for heaven's sake, the two of you will do me in some day. Again, I'm not an invalid," Alec groused. His exasperation was written all over his pale features.
Duncan and Ellie both rolled their eyes at him.
"No, you're not. You just need a new heart," Ellie replied sarcastically, lifting an eyebrow. Her admonishing face was quickly replaced by a smile, and placing her hand on his chest, she snuggled up against him.
Alec relaxed under her touch. He absentmindedly kissed her on the head and put his arm around her, rubbing the groove above her collarbone with his thumb.
"Don't worry so much, the two of you. 'M -"
"...fine," they all finished his sentence together.
Ellie chuckled, Duncan burst out in laughter, and Alec rolled his eyes.
"What's going on?" Daisy stuck her head out of the tent.
Her cheeks glowed, not only from the heat inside or the knowledge that she was a most stunning bride, but also due to the new life growing under her heart. Her flowing white dress emphasized the soft roundness of her abdomen. The baby wasn't due until another four months, but she couldn't hide the bump any longer. Not that she wanted to anyway.
"Your father is being indignant at the world as always." Ellie was still snickering.
"Nothing new then. Come on, Dad, it's time." She eyed him, worry stealing over her face. "You all right? You're sure you're up for this?"
He opened his mouth, only to be mocked by Ellie who repeated the litany before he could.
"'M fine." She had dropped her pitch and was imitating his Scottish accent.
This time even Alec laughed. Ellie gave him a quick kiss on his stubbly cheek. She hid her concern about her husband well, even he couldn't tell. She was probably the only one of them who knew how ill he really was.
They had fought over it the week prior after they had come home from his doctor's appointment. His long-time cardiologist, Emily Abbott, had told her privately how worried she was and how she couldn't bring herself to tell him not to exert himself at the wedding. Alec had insisted he didn't only want to dance with Daisy, but also with Ellie. The fool had the romantic idea of making up for the lack of a dance on their own wedding. It was a shit plan, but what else should Ellie expect? They had ended up shouting at each other until Alec was too out of breath to continue. He had started crying, frustrated with the situation and scared he might not make it to the day, even if it was less than a week away. Ellie's own heart ached watching him so wound up, and so she did what she had done so many years ago, the night he had come back to her instead of leaving. She hugged him, soothing him until he was calm again. They had settled on having him dance with Daisy first, and if he should feel up for it they would consider a second round.
"Go on then, dance with your daughter," she encouraged him, pushing him along at the small of his back. He smiled at her, squeezing her fingers which had trailed down his arm before he let go.
Daisy beamed, grabbed his hand, and pulled him away. Ellie watched them go back inside.
"Is he dying, Ellie?" Duncan's voice was soft, and he brushed her arm gently.
Ellie stiffened up. She couldn't look at him, and her throat choked up. She swallowed hard before she shared the secret with Alec's oldest friend.
"What I said about him needing a new heart, wasn't a tease. His doctor listed him for transplant. He's not at the top of the list; he's not that bad off yet, but it's just going to be a question of time."
Duncan sucked in the salty air through his nose. His observational skills had not betrayed him. Alec did indeed look worse than when he had seen him last only a few weeks ago. His eyes found Ellie's. They were moist with tears she was trying to hold back desperately.
"Come here," he sighed and pulled her into one of his bear hugs. "He'll get through this. He always does, too stubborn to die."
Her bottom lip quivered when she answered, "I'm not so sure this time. It's been getting worse so quickly."
"Aye, I could tell. Does Daisy know?" Duncan was worried about the newest member of his family. She was so fond of her father; losing him would be hard on her.
"She does. He told her before he got listed. She talked him into it."
Ellie smiled at the memory of Daisy's victorious face and Alec's pouting expression when he had come back from the ultrasound appointment Daisy had dragged him to as soon as she heard he wasn't going to do it. He had been holding on to a black and white print out of an image of a skinny growing baby, his future granddaughter. He had put the glossy picture on the fridge door, right next to his doctor's appointment card, mumbling something about being ganged up on by too many women around him. He had never once missed going to his doctor though, and had done everything he needed to keep up his end of the bargain to be a likely transplant candidate.
Duncan's lips curled up when Ellie shared the story with him. That sounded very much like the friend he had known since they were boys.
"We should go inside," he reminded her. "Wouldn't want to miss Alec Hardy dancing."
They found some chairs close to the dance floor. Ellie searched the crowd for Fred, Amelie, Tom and his fiancée. They were hanging out together with Duncan's children and their various significant others. Fred and Fiona, Duncan's youngest daughter, were engaged in a heated conversation, heads huddled together. Ellie wasn't sure if she was happy or a tad jealous. Alec had cautioned her about Duncan's offspring stealing away your child from you. The day's occasion was proof of his warning.
Her eyes met with Ed Baxter's who looked up from playing with his grandson. The sparkle in his steely blue irises made her heart feel lighter like it always did. He winked at her and indicated for her to turn around.
Alec was leading Daisy to the dance floor.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please give it up for the bride and her father!" the singer of the band announced.
Loud applause was rising, and people whistled and shouted. Alec's red ears gave away how nervous he was despite his stoic face. Ellie tried not to let her worry show when she noted his heavy breaths. She trusted him not to do anything reckless and that he had thought it through.
Right. Who was she kidding? This was Alec Hardy she was talking about. She sent a prayer in the air, randomly and with no specific direction, fiercely hoping this wedding was going to end happy.
The first tones of a song floated through the room. She recognized it immediately. She should have known he'd pick this particular one.
Wanker. She would have thought Daisy to be smarter though than choosing a fast-paced waltz. But then the girl had always been prone to going along with her father's shit plans. It must be genetic.
Duncan also knew what song he was listening to. He tensed up in his chair.
"The bloody idiot," he hissed under his breath. "That's not taking it slow."
They looked at each other, trying not to panic. Ellie couldn't help herself but check if her phone had enough battery to call 999 and if she had taken all of Alec's medications with her. Duncan unconsciously moved closer, ready to jump if a steadying hand should be needed. Cory was lingering nearby, in case his new wife should need his support. Duncan observed his son, his broad chest swelling with pride. What a great man he had grown into. Ed Baxter was the only one who had a fat grin on his face, enjoying the sight of his former DI waltzing away.
The accordions picked up the pace, and Alec and Daisy were gliding over the dance floor. He seemed to be doing just fine. His face had a healthier color than what Ellie had seen in weeks. The violins took over the haunting melody, and Hardy laughed at something Daisy had said to him. Ellie's heart warmed up. He looked so much younger, unburdened from illness and life. She was happier than she had been in an eternity. Seeing him so full of bliss was worth all the worry.
Alec felt lighter than he had in ages. Ellie's and Duncan's piercing stares prickled at the nape of his neck, but he didn't care. Daisy and he had had a long argument over which song to pick. She had insisted on something slow, but he had refused. It either was going to be that song or no dance at all. Eventually, she had given in, but not after talking to Emily herself. He had no idea what the two women had discussed, but in the end, he got what he wanted. He ignored the possibility that it had something to do with fulfilling a dying man's wish.
"Ellie checked her phone and your pills, and Duncan looks like he's ready to pounce and do CPR on you," Daisy informed him.
She grinned and Alec laughed. He pulled her a little closer, careful not to squeeze her pregnant belly too much. Knowing that his granddaughter was safely nestled under Daisy's healthy heart made him want to live every day. He wanted to be around and see her grow up. He wanted to play princess and knight with her like he had with Daisy. He would do anything for the opportunity to do so. Even such a scary thing as a heart transplant. He swirled Daisy over the dance floor with surprising ease. He would have expected to be more out of breath, but he was doing fine. More than fine actually. He picked up the pace, going along with the song. Daisy scrutinized him, worry flicking over her beautiful face.
"It's all right, darlin'," he murmured into her ear, right when they paused briefly with the ebbing melody. The tune sped up, and he spun her around as he had done so many, many years before. And just like then, her hair and dress flowed around her. She laughed with joy, glowing like the sun. He pulled her back for the last fast few swirls until the music slowed down and he rocked them back and forth on the spot. His heart pounded in his ribcage, harrowed by his hunger for air. Daisy looked up at him from where her head rested against his heaving chest. He smiled and planted a tender kiss on her forehead.
Breathlessly, he whispered, "I love you, darlin'. Always."
"I love you too, Dad. And so does she." She placed his hand on her belly. He palmed the soft roundness, holding onto her warm body, engulfed in the happy feeling.
He didn't notice when she steadied him. Duncan sprang into action, grabbed him by the elbow, and walked him to a chair. Alec closed his eyes, fighting the vertigo while catching his breath.
"You bloody idiot." Ellie whacked him on the arm. "What were you thinking?"
Her bottom lip trembled and big watery pearls dripped down her jawline. He cupped her cheeks with both his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumb. He then gently pulled her in for a kiss. His lips were cool as they had been lately, but his caress was nonetheless passionate. He had to break to struggle for air, but he didn't let go of her, forcing her to sit down on his lap.
"I'm calling 999," she announced and pulled out her phone. He seized her wrist, holding on tightly.
"You will do no such thing. Don't spoil it for them." He took in some more breaths, easier now. "And us," he added emphatically. He gestured her to get up and clambered to his feet. "Let's walk, Ellie."
She looked at him as if he had lost his mind. It made him grin. She was so worried now all the time, and he didn't want that for her. He needed to convince her to spend their given time happy and carefree, because whatever was going to happen would happen regardless. He laced his fingers into hers and gave Duncan who had been watching a nod.
"We'll be out where I was earlier."
Despite not wanting everyone to worry so much, he still had a sense for reason. Letting Duncan know where they were going to be would make everyone feel better.
They slowly walked away from the tent. Alec's arm was draped around her shoulder and she had hers wrapped firmly around his slender waist. The light-headedness lingered, but the cool air helped clear his head and make breathing easier. The pacemaker had long since taken over his heartbeat, and the faulty organ in his chest was steadily thudding away. They reached the spot he had been looking for. He slowed and turned towards his wife.
Music drifted over from the tent. He thought he recognized the longing voice of Jeff Buckley singing his version of 'Hallelujah'. It was one of Daisy's favorites. He drew Ellie closer and began moving them around – gingerly, side to side, and turning them ever so slightly. At first, she resisted but then she melted against his body. Their fingers entwined. His other hand found its way to the nape of her neck, tenderly caressing her skin and hair. Her arm snuck around his hips, and she trailed her fingers up and down his spine.
He bent down to brush his lips on her ear. "Do you remember our first kiss?" he asked softly.
Her head moved against his chest, confirming her recalling that night. It was the same spot. She looked up at him. His face was pale in the moonlight, but happy, no pain or heartache visible. He was smiling.
"When I followed you that night to the cliffs, I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I needed to be with you. I haven't regretted one minute since then, and I want you to know that. Whatever happens in the next weeks or months, let's not waste them with fear and worry. We both had enough of that. Let's enjoy life and when the time comes, we both can say we have no regrets, not any more."
A nod was her sole response as her voice had failed her. This time, he kissed away her tears. From her cheeks, his lips trailed to hers, leaving moist little marks of love on their path. His mouth tasted salty when he slowly deepened his kiss. His fingers knotted into her hair and pulled her closer. Her worries faded away, and she joined him, fully and uncompromising.
They snogged until he couldn't any longer, and even she was out of breath. She had given him a love bite and he had messed up her long curls she'd pinned up painstakingly. They giggled like teenagers, carefree and happy. He lowered his body down onto the grass, struggling with the kilt for a moment. Ellie grinned.
"If you say as much as one word, I swear I will finally follow through with that threat about the piss in the cup," he growled at her.
"Wanker," she replied lovingly while sitting down next to him.
The breeze coated them in salt and tiny water droplets, a feeling they both welcomed. Alec draped his jacket over their shoulders. They sat at the edge of the cliff for a long time, holding each other, savoring every moment, knowing they had found what they would have never thought possible. A person who would take them for what they are, love them, and never let go. In good times and in bad times. Until the end.
Alec Hardy seemed gone to the world when Emily entered the room. She quietly walked up to him, studying his frail figure and gaunt face. He had taken off the oxygen cannula as he often did when he was feeling a better. He cracked his eyelids open once he had sensed her presence.
A warm twinkle in his eyes welcomed her and told of his happiness to see her. It still surprised her, considering the questionable reputation he had among the nurses. Knowing it was for her and her only who had been by his side since the beginning made up for the many times she had wanted to strangle him.
"Is it time?" His voice was stronger today, and it filled Emily with hope. Every day was different now, and maybe today was a good day.
"Are you ready for it?"
He nodded. "As much as I can be."
He smiled at her weakly, trying to prop himself up. A coughing fit forced him back onto his pillow. Catching his breath became harder and harder with every day that passed. She gently placed the oxygen cannula in his nose. After a few minutes the struggle for air subsided. He bravely attempted to hide the pain, but Emily's heart ached seeing him like this.
"We can try later, if you like. I'm around," she offered.
He shook his head vigorously, despite being barely able to breath. "No. We do it now. I'll be fine. Doesn't make a difference if I'm in bed or in this." He vaguely gestured towards the wheelchair she had brought with her.
Grinning, she teased, "At least you're not pulling stunts like you used to."
Alec rolled his eyes at her. His attempt at a derisive snort was interrupted by another coughing spell. Once he had caught his breath, he huffed.
"Believe me, I would if I could. Still don't like being here, even if I came voluntarily this time around."
It was her turn to roll her eyes. "You're incorrigible. Did you know the nurses play lottery every day who's going to be assigned to you?'
"Ha," he exclaimed wheezily, "That's what they want you to believe. They forget I used to be a detective, and a bloody good one for that matter." He sucked in some breaths, his cheeks getting all rosy while cluing her in to the cat and mouse game he'd been playing with the nurses.
"I've been keeping track. No way it's a lottery. Considering how many patients and how many nurses there are, it's highly unlikely that I would get the same ones every single day and night. They simply don't want to admit they can't resist my charm." He struggled through the words, breathless but not giving up.
Emily liked seeing him so animated. She played along. "Or maybe they feel sorry for their colleagues."
She grinned at his stricken face. He recovered from his defeat though.
"Nah, 's not that." He sighed. "'S probably Ellie begging them to be nice to me. They must feel sorry for her that she's stuck with the grumpy old Scott. She probably bribes them," he added in an afterthought.
They both laughed. Which made him have another coughing fit. Emily frowned. Maybe it wasn't a good day after all. She helped him sit up and plucked her stethoscope from her neck. She was about to put it on his back to listen to what she knew would be the sound of his lungs flooded with fluid his heart couldn't pump any more, when he grabbed her hand.
"Don't bother. We already know it's not good," he said calmly. "Don't make yourself feel worse." He smiled sadly at her.
It touched her he'd consider her while he was the one dying.
"I think I'm ready to go. As good as it gets, right?"
He moved towards getting out of bed. Emily put the monitor on stand by and was about to plug in the portable one, when he interrupted her with his question.
"Do we need to have that? It might be more comfortable without all the cables." His eyes were hopeful.
Emily considered his request. He had put in an advanced care plan for not wanting to be resuscitated, not wanting a breathing tube, so what difference did it make if his monitor was off for some time.
"All right. No monitor. But your IV keeps running." She was firm on that as she hadn't given up on getting him to the transplant, now that he was at the top of the list. She was determined to keep him going as long as she could. Physically and mentally.
He nodded, smiling at her. Maybe he had read her thoughts. He squeezed her hand and said, "Nothing reckless."
They managed to get him into the wheelchair without any major coughing fits or fainting spells, a small victory in itself. Their previous attempt had to be abandoned because he passed out on her. But today, he made it.
She put a blanket over his lap and another around his shoulders, knowing how susceptible to cold he had become after losing so much weight these past months. They were ready to go on their journey.
They had to be buzzed in. It was different than what he remembered from the pediatric ICU so many years ago. A big reception area with large photographs of babies on the walls welcomed them. Emily left him close to the entrance and walked over to talk to the receptionist. Alec idly scanned the bulletin boards with information for families without taking in any of it. He wondered if anyone ever truly read them when confronted with what was hiding beyond the sturdy double doors.
Nervous about what he was to encounter, he gripped the blanket around his bare legs so hard his knuckles turned white. A stutter in his chest underscored why he'd asked Emily to get rid of the monitor. The growing anticipation had wreaked havoc with his heart rate, but he couldn't let anything stand in the way of what he had come to do. He wanted to meet her so badly. She was his only reason to even go to the hospital. It was maybe his only chance to see her.
His granddaughter, Daisy's first child, who had been born weeks too early. Daisy had given birth to the little girl in a frightening flurry of events while her own health had been on the line. She had called him crying in the wee hours of the morning. It broke his heart all over again. Daisy shared her fears about how tiny the baby was, how fragile she looked, and how distressing it was to be unable to do anything for her. He tried to comfort his daughter to the best of his abilities, but his words felt woefully inadequate. He longed to give her the hug he couldn't because he was too ill to leave his home. By the end of their conversation, Daisy had calmed down. And then she had said something which nearly made his heart stop right there and then.
'Maybe she came early so she can meet you, Dad.'
A short but nonetheless fierce argument with Ellie had followed that phone call. The only way he saw to get anywhere near the baby was if he were to be admitted to the hospital. When his crummy heart had become weaker and his illness had progressed, they had decided he would face what was coming at home instead of in a hospital room. Ellie was more than willing to take care of him in their own house, not only to make him more comfortable, but also to spend as much time as possible with him. Now, that he suggested he could check himself in to maybe sneak out to the neonatal intensive care unit, she didn't want to hear any of it. She had called it a shit plan and refused to participate. She had given in though, but only after he had gotten so upset that his ICD had gone off and he probably needed to go regardless of what she desired or not.
Emily returned and gave him a gentle shoulder squeeze. "You can come in, they are ready. You need to wash your hands for two minutes at the sink over there. You think you'll be able to manage?"
He ignored the doubt in her voice and eyed the sink which was clearly made for standing up. He nodded, not feeling quite as confident, but he would do anything to meet his granddaughter. Emily helped him get up. Leaning against the sink, he fought to keep his balance. The vertigo was bad, but he stuck it out for the required time. He slumped back into the chair, cursing life in general and bloody hospital rules in particular under his labored breaths. Emily smiled wistfully, placing a comforting hand on his back. They waited a few minutes until he had recovered, and then Emily wheeled him inside.
It was a large room, surprisingly quiet considering how many machines were lined up around the rows of incubators. He didn't mean to stare at the other babies. It was hard not to though. Some of them had breathing tubes in their small mouths which connected them to ventilators. Some had a myriad of IV lines snaking away from their fragile little bodies. Some had feeding tubes coming out of their noses. There were wee babies barely the size of his hand and other chunkier ones who made him wonder why they might be there. A constant noise of beeping monitors with their alarms going off now and then was joined by the swooshing of the ventilators and the whirring of the multitude of equipment helping these tiny humans survive. He was uncomfortably reminded of all the times he had been in their position, tubes and lines keeping him alive. The memory sent a shudder through him. Emily's hand found its spot on his shoulder.
"You all right? It's a little jarring, isn't it?" she whispered into his ear. He put his hand on hers, and took in a deep breath.
"Aye. Brings back memories," he admitted under his breath.
"Don't worry. She's not like them." He followed her line of sight to a couple of the tiniest babies he'd ever seen in his life. "She's bigger and only needs a little extra oxygen. And doesn't eat enough. Sort of like you." He looked up at her and mirrored her smile.
"I sure hope she doesn't have a broken heart though." He couldn't quite banish the worry from his voice.
"She's fine Alec. We checked her, like we did with Daisy. You didn't pass it on."
The wave of relief was overwhelming. He hadn't dared asking, but now that he knew the little girl was fine, he realized how worried he had been.
He spotted Daisy in a corner near a window. She was settled in next to one of the incubators. They had agreed she'd be the one there as they could only have two visitors at the same time. Ellie was sad to miss it but never questioned his decision.
Daisy noticed them and hurried to meet them.
She pecked a kiss on his cheek. "Hi Dad. You've got color in your face. Are you nervous?" she teased him with a radiant smile.
His ears burned. Not trusting his words, he simply nodded.
"Don't be. She's a cuddly little girl. Likes being snuggled, so this'll be perfect."
Daisy beamed at him. Her daughter was barely ten days old and she already had transformed into a proud mother, praising her child. A smile lit up Alec's eyes. He was ready to meet this wonderful human being that had such hold over his child.
First, he saw her through the clear plastic of the incubator. She was perfect. Her round head was covered with fuzzy reddish hair sticking up in all directions. She was sleeping. Framed by plump cheeks, her tiny mouth gaped slightly open, and her rosy lips quivered while she was sucking in her dreams. A feeding tube was stuck down her nose next to the oxygen cannula, just like Emily said. Her arms curled up next to her small chest which steadily rose and fell with her breathing. Her hands were balled into tiny fists. She jerked in her sleep and stretched out her legs, wiggling those miniscule toes.
Somewhere in his addled mind, he took note of the increasing irregularities of his heart which had been taken by storm. It was overwhelmed by the love he felt for his daughter's child. He knew tears would follow soon, but he didn't care.
He cleared his throat. "Oh, darlin', she's beautiful," he breathed.
Daisy had stooped down next to him and put her arm around him, leaning against his side.
"Can I touch her?" he asked timidly.
"Of course, Dad." Daisy smiled and stood up.
She opened one of the round doors which allowed to reach inside the clear plastic box. She brought him closer and he carefully put his hand inside. It was warm and snuggly in there. He gingerly touched the baby's naked arm with the tip of his finger. Her skin was soft and covered with a fine fuzz of hair. He trailed the finger up to her neck and cupped her tiny head with his hand. It easily fit into his palm, she was so small. She stirred a little and Alec shot a worried glance to Daisy.
"She's fine, Dad. She likes being touched."
Reassured, he gently stroked her hair. Her lips quivered again, sucking in her sleep. He smiled at her, even if she couldn't see him. Her little hand opened and he brushed his finger over hers. She grabbed it immediately and his heart skipped a few more beats than were healthy. His vision blurred and he rested his head against the warm incubator wall until it passed.
"Dad, are you okay?" Daisy's voice was sharp with worry. "Why is there no monitor?" she snapped at Emily who was about to answer, when he cut in.
"I didn't want it. Too distracting. I'm fine darlin'. Too soppy as usual." He smiled at her, happily, and Daisy calmed down.
A nurse had come over. "Are you Mr. Hardy?" He nodded, not wanting to talk. Her face looked vaguely familiar. "My sister works in the cardiac ICU. She's told me about you."
Ah. Alec suppressed a grin. Her sister was one of the nurses who often seemed to "win" the lottery. He made an effort to recall the name. "Marianne? Is that your sister?"
The nurse laughed. "Maribelle, but close enough. She'd be surprised you even got that far."
He gave her a sheepish smile and shrugged. "Not good with names. Barely know my own."
"Do you want to hold her?" she asked him out of the blue.
He hadn't expected that. "Can I?" Surprised, he looked at Daisy, who nodded encouragingly. Then his eyes wandered to Emily who smiled and said, "Go ahead, that's what you came here for, no?"
His voice was barely audible. "I'd like that. Very much."
The nurse maneuvered him to a good spot, so that the baby's monitor cables, IV lines, and oxygen tubing would reach. Then she helped him to get comfortable and placed a pillow on his lap.
"That'll make it easier on you."
She patted his trembling hand and proceeded to get the baby out of her warm house. She wrapped her in soft blankets, leaving one arm free. Then she unceremoniously placed the baby in Alec's arms.
"Call if you need me."
Alec didn't hear what she said. All his senses were overwhelmed by this tiny human cradled against him. His hands shook when her fingers curled around his thumb. He pulled her closer, snuggling her to his chest. She was warm, and holding her was the most comforting thing he'd experienced in a long time. When he bent over to give her a kiss on the head, his tears fell onto her face and hair. She smelled like Daisy had as a wee baby. He gently held her in a tight embrace for a long time, now and then caressing her hair or face, kissing her fingers or head. Daisy sat next to him, arm around his shoulders, resting her head on him. Neither one spoke. There was no need to.
Emily watched him hold the baby. His tears were flowing down his gaunt cheeks, and she cried with him, as did Daisy. She remembered the day when she had taken him to Daisy's bedside so many years ago and how he had cried then. Seeing them united as a family after all they'd been through filled her with a profound feeling of peace.
The nurse who had helped them asked her for her mobile number. She showed her the picture she took. It was Alec, kissing the baby and Daisy resting on his shoulder, smiling lovingly at both. She gladly shared her number with her and promised to get the picture into the right hands.
After a long time, Alec was fading. His face had turned ashen and he was more gasping for air than breathing. Emily hated to break up the moment, but she didn't want to spoil the memory by him passing out while holding the baby. She stepped closer and put her hand on his arm.
He looked up, eyes unfocused and miles away. He blinked a few times and inhaled deeply.
"Is it time?" he asked and let out the air in his lungs. Exhaustion slurred his words.
She nodded. He must have noted himself, because he didn't protest. He bent over the baby and whispered something in her ear. Then he trailed his finger along her head, down her shoulder and arm, to let her hand curl around his finger one last time. He kissed her forehead, lingering a tad longer than before.
He handed the baby to Daisy, who held her tightly in her arms.
"She's perfect, darlin'. Just like her mother." He leaned over to where his daughter was sitting and kissed her forehead, lingering a long time, just like he had with the baby. When he moved away, he breathed "I love you, Daisy. Always." in her ear.
Emily couldn't hold back her tears. It was a last goodbye and they all felt it. Daisy was crying and so was Alec. Even the nurse who was watching from afar rubbed at her eyes. They parted, leaving Daisy to hold onto her newborn child.
Emily brought him back to his room in silence. A couple of nurses helped her get him into his bed. He was too spent to manage on his own. The oxygen cannula in his nose didn't alleviate his gasps. They changed it out to a mask to give him more air and it seemed to help. More comfortable, his eyes fell shut, and Emily was sure he was asleep.
Brushing his shaggy hair out of his face, she bent down and whispered in his ear, "Don't you dare die on me, you stubborn Scottish knob."
She was about to leave, when his weak voice held her back. "Still no bedside manners. Don't worry, not leaving until you know how to behave."
She turned around and smiled at him. "I'll hold you to that."
His eyes fluttered open and he looked at her. "Thank you, Emily. For caring all this time." His eyes fell shut again.
This time he was out before she could regain her composure to answer.
When she got the page in the middle of the night, the text reading to call in re: Alec Hardy, she was convinced she would hear that he had passed. She sure did not expect to be notified by the transplant team that they had found a heart for her patient. She was barely able to acknowledge the news and tell them she was on her way. Standing in the middle of her dark bedroom, she sobbed like a child. She couldn't believe that the stubborn wanker had made it once again.
Ellie was jolted awake up by the relentless buzzing of her mobile. Scrambling for the phone, she dropped it and missed the call. She rolled over and scooped it up, squinting at the display. The hospital's number was flashing at her, and her stomach clenched up.
She had left Alec that evening with a feeling of dread. He had looked so worn out after his trip to meet the baby. He was so happy though that Ellie couldn't be mad. Too short of breath, he couldn't talk much, but every word was expressing his love and awe for this tiny human being who had stolen his ailing heart. His eyes lit up, and there was a sparkle in there Ellie hadn't seen in a while. He didn't touch any of his dinner until Ellie threatened to have the nurses place a feeding tube so that he could share the experience with his granddaughter. He tried to eat some, but it soon became clear he couldn't. The struggle to breathe was taking over everything. It surprised her when he told her to ask Emily about his options for getting some nutrition into him. He had been so defeatist about his failing body, especially in the past few weeks, refusing even oxygen at first. Asking about such basic things as food was a big change for him.
It had been harder than she had expected. Physically and emotionally. His decline had come rapidly. Only a few days after Daisy's wedding, he had woken up at night, blue in his face and unable to get air. The rattling noise of his breathing was still giving Ellie nightmares. Panicked, they had called the ambulance, and by the time the paramedics had taken him away, he had been barely conscious. He had ended up with a breathing tube for a couple of days until they had controlled his heart failure and had cleared the excess fluid from his lung. When he had returned home, everything had changed dramatically. He needed oxygen which he fought against until Daisy sobbed in front of him and begged him to be reasonable so he could make it until she had the baby. Things got a little easier after. He tried harder, was less defiant.
Ellie watched him wither away in front of her despite all her best efforts. He got skinnier every day, and when Emily brought up the idea of a feeding tube and liquid nutrition he lost it. He yelled and spewed at them, losing his breath, that he wasn't going to be force fed, that they needed to stop treating him like an invalid, that he fucking hated all of this, and that he was done. They all had stared at each other until he broke down, sobbing and shaking. Over and over again, he muttered how scared he was of fading away. It took Ellie every bit of love she had in her to keep it together that day. She held and rocked him like a child, whispering words of comfort and reassurance in his ear to stop his fall into the dark as much as she could. He clung onto her in a desperate move to prevent him from drowning, fighting the same struggle he had been for so many years now.
Emily had stayed with them until he finally had calmed down. She didn't push the issue any longer, although later she told Ellie in confidence how important it was to keep him in as good as shape as possible to have the best chance of receiving a transplant. He was moving up the list as rapidly as his body was declining.
The day came when he couldn't get up any longer. It was yet another frightening step, and things got even harder for Ellie. Their children helped out as much as they were able to, but the bulk of caregiving fell upon Ellie. Ed Baxter saved them as he had so often. He got her in touch with a home health nursing agency which made life more manageable. Alec of course didn't stop bickering and complaining about the nurses. But Ellie heard from Emily how grateful he was for the respite they provided to his beloved wife. Emily also clued Ellie in on how much guilt and shame Alec carried around over being this weak and such a burden to his family. A heart-to-heart talk with the children and Ellie later, Alec didn't believe that any more.
They spent as much time together as they could. Ellie had reduced her hours at work. Often, she would read to him and keep him company. On better days when he felt less breathless, they would talk. On worse days when his strength was consumed by the task of staying alive, they would just sit and hold each other while he drifted in and out of restless sleep. Eating strained him more and more, but still he refused to consider any other options.
They both agreed he wouldn't go back to the hospital. He didn't want to be hooked up to machines unless it was related to a possible transplant. It was one of the hardest decisions they had to make. He felt strongly about it, and in the end Ellie gave in because it was his life after all. He had carried his faulty heart around with him for so long, it should be his call when it was enough.
There were many lonely hours for her. Those times when she was lying awake next to him, unable to sleep because of his labored breathing and the overwhelming fear of losing him. Those times when she was crying in the kitchen while staring at yet another untouched meal, knowing that he hadn't even tried. Those moments when she was barely suppressing her anger at him that he was giving up and leaving her alone. Those were the worst because she felt guilty about it. How could she accuse him of anything while he was dying?
He figured it out though. One evening, when yet again he hadn't touched any food the whole day long, and she'd taken his dinner away from him silently because if she had opened her mouth she would have yelled at him, he followed her downstairs. She had no idea how he did it as he couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself. She was washing the dishes, when a coughing spell startled her. She spun around, and there he was, clinging on to the door frame, pale as a ghost, struggling to breathe, oxygen left behind in the bedroom.
"Christ. Alec, what the fuck are you doing?"
She dropped the dish rag and hurried to steady him while he was sliding down the wall. She fussed over him, aimlessly, not quite knowing what to make of this.
"'M s'rry…" – a couple ragged breaths passed – "f'r givin' up."
Ellie stared at him and tried to play it down. "Don't be daft. You have nothing to be sorry for. Besides escaping from your bed, you knob."
She attempted a smile, but it didn't quite make it to her lips. He wanted to say something, but was struggling harder. Ellie was about to run and get the oxygen, when he held tightly on to her wrist, not letting go.
"No... I do... not been... doing'... my part." His words came out bit by bit, interrupted by coughing spells which rattled his heaving chest.
He looked at her, the sincerity of his apology buried deep within his wide hazel eyes. The moment tears rolled down her cheeks, he pulled her close to wrap his arms around her. Her head rested against his heart, listening to the familiar irregular beat. He carded his fingers through her hair and peppered kisses on her curly crown, being there for her until she had no tears left. When she eventually lifted her gaze up to him, his eyes were closed and he had fallen asleep, right there in the kitchen doorway. Even now, he looked younger when Morpheus took away the weight of his waking life. A smile brightened up her worn features. She brushed his fringe out of his face and pressed a kiss on his forehead. He stirred, and his eyes fluttered open. He caught the back of her head and cupped her cheek with his hand, pulling her down to give her a kiss. It didn't last long, but nonetheless spoke of his undying love for her.
They couldn't make it back upstairs, only to the guest room. Ellie brought down the oxygen equipment and made him comfortable. The next morning, he suggested for them to move rooms and to get him a wheelchair so that he could be up for a bit. It had been a while since he'd expressed any desire to participate in the family meals or watch telly with them. Amelie and Fred were excited and had rearranged their things in no time. Alec made a fair attempt at eating more, even if often he couldn't. He talked to Emily to see what tricks she had left up her sleeves. They adjusted his medications, added some more pills, and with time his stubborn mind won over his wasting body. On good days, they were even able to get out for short walks, something they both savored every minute of.
And then Daisy got admitted to the maternity ward with headaches, belly pain, and her blood pressure through the roof, needing to urgently deliver the baby, ten weeks too early. Alec was frantic, wanting to get to the hospital and be there for his daughter, but he couldn't. It was tearing him up. After he told Ellie what Daisy had said and the plan he had, she got mad.
"What the hell are you thinking? That you can just sneak out like you used to? I hate to break it to you, but you can't even get to the loo by yourself," she barked at him. It wasn't that she didn't understand, but she was so afraid of losing him, of him not coming back from the hospital once he went there. He looked hurt.
"Ellie, it might be my only chance to see the baby," he argued, breathing heavily. "She's not going to come home until in a couple of months and we both know that might be too late."
"Don't say that," she spat, tears welling up.
"Why not? Because you'd rather not look at the truth? I'm fucking dying, Ellie, and save for a miracle there is nothing we can do about it," he spewed back at her, face drawn in pain and rubbing his chest.
Ellie had realized too late what was happening. By the time she had walked up to him to feel his pulse and get him his pills, he was panting like a dog. Cold sweat gleamed on his forehead and his face had an ashen color that heralded nothing good. She met his gaze, and fear of what was to come was looking back at her. His body convulsed when his ICD went off, shocking his frail heart back into a more normal rhythm. The excruciating pain brought him to tears. Ellie hugged his trembling body, stroking his back and rocking him gently. What choice did she have? He couldn't be like this, it was going to kill him. She sighed in his hair and kissed his head.
"I'll call the ambulance. We'll get you there so you can meet your granddaughter."
His fingers curled harder into her shirt which muffled his breathless plea.
"Don't leave me… alone… there… please."
He looked so scared, even if he wanted to go so badly. She cupped his cheeks with her hands, wiping away the tears with her thumbs like he always did.
"'Course not, you silly man. I'll always be by your side." She kissed him before he could waste his breath on words.
Ellie stared at the missed call notification. Not even a week had passed since she'd promised not to leave him. She had tonight though, hadn't been there with him. He had sent her away, demanding for her to rest. Too exhausted to protest, she had listened to him. She shouldn't have. What if…? She couldn't finish the thought. She was about to ring back, her fingers trembling so hard she could barely dial the number, when her phone buzzed in her hand. Ellie picked up in a split second.
"Ellie? They have a heart." Emily's shaking voice betrayed her feelings.
There was a lump at the back of Ellie's throat. Her bottom lip quivered and she covered her mouth, stifling the sob which was working its way out.
"Ellie? Are you there?" Emily sounded concerned.
Ellie nodded. Realizing Emily couldn't see her, she whispered, "Yes. I'm here."
"I'm on my way in, I'll meet you in his room. They will be ready to take him to the operating theater within the hour. Do you need me to call someone?"
Ellie's mind was spinning. Only an hour. They had waited for so long, but suddenly an hour seemed too short. Tom wouldn't be able to get there in time. She got up to get dressed while she was still on the phone.
"Maybe you could call Ed?" she suggested. "I'll tell the kids. I'll be there as soon as I can."
"All right then." Emily had found her usual stride. "And Ellie, he will be fine. The wanker's too stubborn to die on us, you know that, right?" she said, her smile echoing in her words.
Ellie nearly laughed. "I should scold you about your bedside manners, but that's his job." She paused, then added, "Thanks Emily, for always being there. We couldn't have done it without you."
"Don't mention it." A sniffle gave away that Emily wasn't as nonchalant about it as she pretended to be. "Just make sure he keeps taking care of himself. Gotta go now and make some more calls. See you in a bit."
The phone went dead and Ellie jumped into action. She woke up Fred and Amelie who both looked equally scared and exhilarated. She called Tom, making sure he wouldn't freak out over the fact that he wouldn't be there in time.
Then she took a deep breath and called Alec's daughter.
Daisy immediately picked up. "Ellie, what's going on?" Her sleepy voice was full of concern.
"Daisy, darling, they have a heart for your Dad. He'll be having the surgery within the hour."
There was dead silence on the other end, until she heard Cory's muffled voice, asking her why she was crying and if the baby was okay.
"No, Cory, it's not the baby." A stifled sob crackled through the speakers. "They have a heart for my Dad. He's going to be fine. Oh, my God, he's going to be fine." She laughed and cried at the same time.
Ellie joined in on Daisy's emotional outburst, letting her tears run freely and chuckling in between.
"We'll meet you guys there." Daisy hung up before Ellie could even tell them to call Duncan, but she figured Cory would be smart enough to do so.
It was the shortest and the longest car ride she'd ever taken. They hurried to his room. Before they all barged in, Ellie stopped them to ask if she could have a moment with him by herself.
She entered the room slowly. He was lying still with his eyes closed, but when he heard the door he opened them and their gaze met. He smiled happily, the corner of his eyes budding into a million crinkles. He reached out, beckoning her to come over. She pulled up a chair and took his hand to kiss it.
"Do you think I'll still be a knob after they give me a new heart? What if I'll turn into some smiley, daft softie?" he wondered quietly.
Ellie chuckled. "I've got news for you. You already are a daft softie, maybe not smiley, but surely way too soppy."
His lips curled up into a boyish grin. She was reminded of all those years ago when he had woken up from his pacemaker surgery with that shy but utterly happy smile on his face, telling her he'd made it through. And all of a sudden she was sure, he'd do the same thing this time.
She leaned over, pulled the oxygen mask aside and kissed him. "I love you, Alec."
She was drinking in his hazel eyes, when he squeezed her hand and breathed in her ear, "And I love you, Ellie."
A face swam in and out of focus. It wasn't wearing a scowl this time. In fact, he couldn't tell if it was or wasn't as it was covered with a yellow mask. What he could tell though was that the bearer of the mask had been crying.
"No grapes?" he croaked in a feeble attempt to cheer her up.
Ellie rolled her eyes at him. "Knob," she sniffled.
A daft smile flicked over his face. "I made it through," he muttered.
"You need a new line, Alec," she grumbled and took his hand.
He contemplated his answer for a few unfamiliar steady heartbeats. "I want to go home. Can you give me a ride?"
Ellie shook her head and pointed to the soft restraints around his wrists. "We're not taking any risks. You stay put until you're ready."
Sighing, he eyed the cloth strings and then let his gaze wander to the ceiling tiles. "Fine. I'll be good," he promised sincerely.
"You're kiddin'?" she exclaimed in disbelief.
"Nope." A sparkle glimmered in his eyes. "New heart, new Hardy." He wiggled his eyebrows.
Ellie whacked him gingerly on the arm which didn't have a dozen IVs hooked up to it. "Bloody idiot."
He caught her wrist and tugged weakly at it. "Don't leave."
"Never," she promised, tearing up again. He pulled her hand up to his cracked lips and breathed a kiss on its palm. Then he curled her fingers around it.
"What was that for?" she wanted to know.
The corner of his mouth pulled up. "A kissing hand. To remind you of me until I can kiss you again."
Ellie cradled her fist against her chest. "Do you want a hug?"
"I thought you'd never ask," he rasped.
Ellie maneuvered her arms through all the tubes and cables and wrapped them around her husband as best as she could. He slung his free arm around her waist.
"So much for not hugging me," he muttered into her curls.
"So much for not being a sop any more," she retorted and held him tighter.
Alec Hardy breathed in the faint scent of ocean and summer which always clung to his wife, reminding him of a never-ending sky and the sea. His chest was warm with hope and peace, filling in all those holes that had been poked into his soul.
'Home is where the heart is.'
He'd finally made it there.
~ FIN ~
A/N: *hands over tissues and gives out a hug*
I wrote this part of the story a long, long time ago. It is one of the most emotional pieces I have ever written and I still cry every bloody time I look at it. It's a version of the future I had in my head for Alec and Ellie forever. If you want to call it that, it is the conclusion of my Broadchurch 'verse. This doesn't mean I will not finish/continue the other stories that will take Alec and Ellie there; and maybe there will be a different future for them in the end, but this story has lived in my heart for ages and it was finally the time to share it not only with a few people but with anyone who wants to read it. It's extremely emotional even for my standards and utterly soppy, and I am proud of it. I thank everyone who has been part of this journey, especially HAZELMIST, KTROSE, FRANZI86, and THEDELIRIUMTENNANTS who cried her eyes out over it. I love you all!