Be Free Tonight
Shelby Corcoran knew she needed to speak to Noah Puckerman. She didn't have a clue what on earth to say to this boy after everything that had happened between them. But now it was time, finally, to talk to him.
She saw her opportunity when Puck walked out of the choir room where the members of New Directions were congratulating themselves after their outstanding performance of a Jackson medley. There would be some time to talk while the judges deliberated.
"Noah," she called out, and he swung on his heel to turn around and stare at her. "We need to talk. Can you follow me to my office?"
She turned around and walked to the classroom where the Troubletones had been meeting, feeling him more than hearing him follow behind her. She gestured for him to take a seat, and then pulled out a chair so she could sit across from him. She opened her mouth to start speaking and discovered that she still had no idea what to say.
Puck broke the silence. "Are you," he cleared his throat, "are you gonna cut me off from Beth?" he asked, his voice choking a bit on the last word.
She shook her head vehemently, "No, no I wouldn't do that. That's not…" She wrung her hands nervously. "OK, I'm going to tell you what I should have told you back when…back when this" she gestured back and forth between them with her hand, "all started."
She took a deep breath. "You are very sweet, and I know you think that you're in love with me, but you're not. You love Beth, just like I do, and you're confusing that with feelings for me. I know it was hard on you giving her up. I know you didn't really want to, and I've been told that you had a bit of a difficult time dealing with it for a while afterwards – getting into fights, trying to steal an ATM, a stint in juvie…" He looked at her in surprise. "Mr. Schuester told me. He was worried about how you were dealing with this." He bit his lip and nodded.
"You're a wonderful young man, Noah. And I do care about you." She couldn't stop the guilty tears from springing into her eyes. "I am so, so sorry. This, all of this…it's my fault. I should have never let it get this far. I was confused. I've always wanted a family too, and I have that with Beth, but it gets lonely taking care of her by myself." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I tried dating a few men, back in New York, but none of them had the patience for dealing with a baby. And then there you were, loving Beth, wanting a family, wanting me, and I just…it spun my head. It was stupid, and immature, and there's no excuse for it, but I let myself believe the same thing you did. But this…this isn't real, and I think you know that too."
He stared at her for a moment before bowing his head down and staring at the floor.
"For a while, being with you made me feel like the young mother that died in me when I gave Rachel to her Dads, but after you and I, after we…" She made a face and trailed off, not knowing how to put it. "It just made me realize that it was all built on a fantasy." She noticed him give a soft snort and shake his head. "I never meant to hurt you. I regret that more than anything else I've ever done in my life."
She stopped talking and watched him for a moment as he continued to stare at the floor.
"Noah, please look at me." He slowly pulled his head up until he was looking into her eyes. "I want you to understand that you don't need to be in a relationship with me to be in Beth's life. More than that, I know that you think you're an adult; but you're not, and you shouldn't be. You have time to be young and stupid and go wild and pursue all of your dreams before you settle yourself down with a family. You have your whole life ahead of you. One day, when you're ready, I know that you are going to make an amazing husband and father. And Beth is the luckiest little girl in the world because she will always have you in her life." She paused and looked into his eyes. "Do you understand?"
He stared at her for a long moment before he took a deep breath and nodded, actually giving her a small smile.
Shelby smiled sadly at him. "Ok?"
He bobbed his head before clearing his throat. "Yeah. Ok."
She suspected that it would never be entirely Ok, but she didn't know what else to say. As she stood up from her seat, she said "Ok. The results will probably be in soon, so we'd better get going."
He stood up too. "Yeah, gotta go pick up our trophy since we totally kicked your asses," he said.
She gave him a startled look, but he just shrugged and walked out of the room.
When Rachel Berry entered the choir room to pick up some of the music pages she'd left there, the last thing she expected to find was Noah Puckerman sitting alone at the piano, playing a soft tune she didn't recognize.
"Noah?"
He looked up and smiled at her. "Hey, what's up? Suspension over, you little bad girl?"
"Yes," she confirmed. "Just now. But what are you doing in here? Everyone will be meeting in the auditorium soon."
"Troubletones too?"
Rachel shrugged. "I hope so. Quinn went to speak to them to negotiate the terms of their return. Aren't you coming?"
Puck nodded. "Yeah, I just…needed a minute alone for a bit."
Rachel watched him for a second, warring with herself, and then sat down on the bench next to him. She played with the keys for a few seconds before she turned to look at him.
"So…you and Shelby?"
He pulled back, staring at her with a stunned look on his face before catching himself. "Who told – I mean, what are you talking about?"
She looked down. "I'm a little bit psychic you know. And the way you were singing that song to her was quite obvious, and knowing your penchant for…relationships with older women coupled with all those evenings alone together at her house…"
He sneered. "And Puckerman can't keep it in his pants right? Had to have been screwing her?"
"Well didn't you?"
He softened. "It wasn't like that. I mean. Not for me. And it was just once. She threw me out. After."
Rachel shook her head. "Oh, Noah, what were you thinking? Of all the women in all of Lima, why get involved with her?"
He shrugged. "She's Beth's mom. I thought…" he trailed off.
She stared at him and let out an incredulous laugh. "You thought what? That you were going to marry her and raise Beth and live happily ever after?"
He said nothing.
Her eyes widened. "Oh my God, you really thought that." Her jaw dropped as she took this in. She had assumed it was just the usual Puck, unable to keep his pants on in the vicinity of an attractive woman, but…" Did you…love her?"
He swallowed. "I thought I did, but…" He shook his head. "Whatever." He stood up from the piano bench and then slumped in one of the choir room chairs. She stood up too and moved to a chair next to him.
They sat in silence for a moment before Puck asked, "Aren't you, like, upset with me or something?"
"For what?"
"You know…" He looked sheepish. "Doing your mom."
Rachel licked her lips and looked him square in the eye. "Shelby Corcoran is not my mom."
He stared at her before he nodded. "Just like I'm not Beth's dad."
She shook her head. "You have a connection with Beth that Shelby and I have never had, and never will."
He half-smiled for a second. "You have more in common than you think." When she gave him a questioning look he added, "She used the same line to dump me that you did. That it was all just a fantasy. It was only when she said that that it even hit me that she's your birth mother." She bit her lip and looked down at her lap, surprised he even remembered what she said that day. He took a deep breath and slumped further in his seat, tilting his head back. "God, I am such an idiot."
"No. You're not. You wanted a family, and you wanted to prove that you could be a good dad. I understand that. But…Noah, you're only 18. You gave Beth up because you were too young to be a parent, and you need to live your own life first."
"I didn't give her up for that," he said sharply. "Quinn did. If she'd wanted to keep her…" He took a shaky breath. "I let her go because I was too much of a screwup to raise a kid by myself and give her everything she needs. Shelby came along, and I knew she could give her a better life than I could. It was for her, not for me."
Rachel felt her heart constrict. She'd always suspected that was the case, but neither Quinn or Puck had ever talked about it. "And do you regret it?"
He pursed his lips and sighed. "No. Shelby's a good mom." He paused for a beat. "Kind of a crap girlfriend, though." Rachel let out a small giggle, despite herself. "But…she's letting me keep in touch with Beth, and she didn't have to. So I kind of have to feel grateful at least for that."
"That's great, Noah." She grabbed his hand encouragingly. "That's really great. You know, she'll never have to wonder about her birth parents, and she'll always know that she was loved and wanted, and everyone just wanted what was best for her." She got up from her seat and crouched down to face him. Placing her hand on his cheek, she pulled his face up to look at her, and then put her hand down to rest on his chest, right over his heart. "You have a good heart, Noah. One day, you'll find the right girl to give it to, and she'll be so, so lucky to have you. Because when you fall, you fall hard." He laughed softly. "You just maybe need to be a bit wiser in your choices. Someone your own age would be a good start." She smiled at him, and he gave her a small smile in return, but he circled her wrist and pushed her hand back away from himself with a sad look on his face.
Rachel felt her own heart ache, and her eyes well up with tears. She moved her hands to grasp his together in his lap. It suddenly seemed very important to tell him this. "Noah, you have love in your life. You have a family. With us. Your friends we…we care about you so much. You make us laugh, and you protect us, and take care of us, and your performances are some of the most entertaining we've ever had the pleasure of watching. Just thinking about "Fat Bottomed Girls" makes me giggle all the time." He chuckled softly. "You were there for me last year in a way no one else was, and I can't even imagine what I'd have missed if we'd never been friends. I don't want to."
He watched her for a moment, holding her hands and blinking slowly. Eventually he said in a low voice, "You're gonna get it, you know. Everything you want. You're going to New York to have it all, and be a star, and I'll spend the rest of my life boasting to everyone I know about how I knew you way back when."
Rachel grinned widely, her eyes bright. She got up and sat back down next to him. "Maybe leave out the part where you used to throw slushies in my face," she teased.
"What?" he crowed. "That's the best part!"
"Well, before I become a Broadway sensation and you become a rock star, we still have Senior Year to deal with. Regionals, Nationals…so much still to do. And be honest, you don't want to settle down yet. What about all the lovely ladies yet to sample your Puckerman charms? We wouldn't want to deprive them, would we?"
He looked at her and waggled his eyebrows. "You do realize you're still on that list."
She snorted a laugh and rolled her eyes. "You're terrible."
"You love it."
She didn't say it out loud, but she kind of did.
Rachel looped her arm around Puck's and rested her head on his shoulder. "We've got our whole lives ahead of us," she said.
"For now, let's just be young."
A/N I don't know why the first section with Shelby didn't happen on the show. It would have given resolution to Puck and Shelby's story (and it was their story, until Quinn hijacked it), explained why Puck isn't suicidal after what he's been through, and fit with the "don't grow up too fast" theme of the episode that has also been Puck's journey this season. Had to just write it myself, and then of course I couldn't resist a Puck/Rachel scene.