Loss, by potionsmaster
Rating: M for Major Character Death
A/N: I don't apologize for the angst-fest. Read at your own risk
Summary: "At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it…" ~ Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden
For BardofHeartDive
Numb.
We're numb.
Ash and I, we're just...sitting. In the comm room, at the stern of the Normandy on the CIC. Everyone else left us alone. And there's nothing to say anymore. Nothing left to say. Empty words for an empty chair. An empty chair that should be filled. It's between me and the gunnery chief.
Kaidan.
Staff Lieutenant Alenko. Head of the marine detail, field medic. Biotic, like me. Tech expert. Quirky sense of humor. Kind brown eyes that crinkled in the outer corner whenever he smiled or laughed. My best friend. And now he's gone.
...I couldn't even bring back his tags for his family.
I'm a failure. Failed to keep my squad safe. Failed to get everybody home. And failed to bring back the thing that means so much to a family. Stupid little piece of metal. Command will give them a copy, so they have some kind of closure. They won't know the difference. But I will.
"Commander, do you read me?...The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time...Negative, it's too hot! We'll hold them off as long as we - "
Williams looks at me, eyes bright with unshed tears.
"Chief...we've spotted a troop ship inbound at your location!"
I stare back at her, blank. His voice will haunt us. Me. I used to tease her that she was sweet on him; I overheard a vid-call between her and her sister about a news clip that featured the crew and there was some speculation as to the 'cuteness factor' of the male variety serving on board. I have to say, I agreed with their assessment of Kaidan. I didn't mind losing out the top slot to him. He won the gene pool lottery, that's for certain. The best part was how completely unaware of it he was...it was endearing as hell. Made him approachable, too. If I hadn't been his CO, and hell...if he had shown any kind of inclination of interest besides friendship...
"Dismissed, Chief."
No sense thinking like that. He only ever talked about adventurous women and that Turkish girl at BAaT whenever the crew shot the shit around the mess and relationship talk came up.
"Shepard, I -"
"Just go, Ash. I need to report to the Council, anyway." I look down at my hands, heard her boots retreat and the soft swish of the automatic doors shutting behind her. I sit for a few minutes longer, eyeing the chair to my right. Sometimes I thought there might have been something underneath the surface between us, but I suppose it was just wishful thinking on my part. Not like he'd be interested, anyway. I bury my face in my hands, leaning my elbows on my knees as I replayed my failure. His last Tali and Wrex were silent as we jogged to the coordinates being transmitted to my omni-tool from Kaidan's; the salarians were getting savaged. Even with him as support. I could hear the strain and fatigue as he radioed in when we were setting the nuke at the site. Then the comms cut out and I got worried. The radio crackled again in my helmet and I threw my hand up in a fist, signaling the squad to stop moving.
"Chief...we've spotted a troop ship inbound at your location!"
There was an edge in his clipped tones. One I had never heard before. One I never would again.
"It's already here!" Ashley cried, panicked gunfire on her end. "And it's bleeding geth all over the bomb site!"
"Can you hold them off?" I cut in, starting to move to Kaidan's location once more. Tali and Wrex shared a nervous look.
"There's too many! I don't think we can hold 'em!" she responded. "I'm activating the nuke!"
I stopped dead, dumbfounded. The other two ran into my back, not expecting the sudden lack of movement.
"What're you doing, Chief?" Once we were back on the ship, I planned to let her have it. What a stupid move; of all the -
"Making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what!"
"Williams!" I could only pace back and forth, helpless. Heavy gunfire was bleeding through both of their comm lines.
"It's done, Commander, go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here! "
"Belay that!" the lieutenant snapped, "We can handle ourselves; go back and get Willi - AAUUGH!"
"KAIDAN!"
I jerked viscerally at his cry of pain and checked his HUD stats; medi-gel reserves were depleting rapidly. Shields were down and the damage threshold was rapidly being eaten up.
"I'm...I'm hit, Commander..."
"How bad?" I demanded, mashing my medi-gel release button on his squish skin. I watch the counter tick to zero as the under-armor applied it.
"Multiple sites...gut shot, my left arm isn't responding. Think it's in the shoulder?" He coughed, rough, wet, and thick. Perforated lung. "...there's only one choice now," he wheezed. Shots fired in the background.
"Fuck that, I'm coming for you. Barriers up, LT. Just hold on!" I start jogging again. "Ash, keep them off that nuke. We'll be there in three minutes, starting count-"
"Blakely." That caught my attention, nobody ever called me by my first name. "There's no time. Go - Go get Ash and…"
I swallowed hard and turned on my heel. He was a dead man talking, we both knew it.
"Williams. Radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site." I was cold all over. The three of us broke into a run. If I remembered correctly, there had been a ten minute timer on the bomb. Two had already been spent deliberating.
"Yes, Commander, I -"
She faltered, gravity of the situation slowly hitting.
" -It's the right choice, and you know it, Ash."
"Kaidan, I'm so sorry…" she whispered. Explosions in the distance. Sounded like one of the fuel pods got hit.
"Chief. Joker. Now," I growled, trying to raise one of the heavy flood doors back to her location. Her comm went to static as she switched channels. "LT…"
"Hey, Commander…"
"I thought I told you before. I hate 'Blakely'. Call me Blake."
He snorted, then coughed at the effort.
"Blake. Heh. Helluva ride. I just wanted to say - "
More wet, rasping coughs broke through my headset.
"Just take it easy, Kaid. We're coming back for you, I just got stuck behind a door."
"You're a terrible liar. We both know that's not gonna happen."
It was quieter on his end, white noise and radio hiss filling the silence instead of gunfire.
"Just a minor setback, Kaidan, that's all. Dr Chakwas is going to read you the riot act for this, you know that, right?"
"Pff. More like...she'll rip into us both. Stupid, really...should never've -" More coughing and wheezing. "I'm…"
"Stay with me, LT." We broke through the doors. Wrex was a destructive force of nature, biotics flaring with an almost phosphorescent glare. He bellowed and charged headfirst into the fray, Tali's shotgun providing the punctuation to his hits. My skin prickles with dark energy as I ready my own blue blaze of hell.
"Kaidan?" A drop of ice hit the bottom of my stomach and spread its awful tendrils. Silence on the comms. "Lieutenant!" I snapped, "Report!"
Nothing.
Nothing but my pulse rushing in my ears, breath ragged in my helmet. My heart raced and I tried to breathe normally, tried to calm it. He always helped, and now he wasn't going to be there. I needed help to control it, keep my heart rate from going too hard and fast, and now he was...gone. Numbness set in, making my limbs wooden and heavy.
"...Kaidan?"
He's not there.
And I'm at a loss.