A/N: Possibly my most cliched, already been done fan fiction ever. After watching another horrible episode of Two and a Half Men with Ashton Kutcher, this spawn was born after I had a bad dream from watching it. (Yes, like modern SpongeBob episodes, these newer episodes of the series without Charlie have rotted my mind and made me think of things differently with the show). Any who, I think we would all like this better than the newer seasons any other day. Sorry if anyone is out of character, or if the writing seems bad, I wrote this out of rage and anxiety. I own nothing, many belongs to Chuck Lorre who makes up for it by giving me programs such as Mike & Molly and Mom.
It was another day, just another day. Charlie had been dead for three years now, and pretty much everyone had moved on. Except of course, for Alan, who was the closest to Charlie. Even Evelyn seems to be not interested in talking about her oldest, deceased child. Everyone had been telling Alan to get over it already, but it was still painful. He even had a horrible replacement for Charlie. Alan just pretended to like him to adapt to the new changes in his life since the train incident back in Paris.
Nothing went right for Alan. He got divorced from his wife pretending to be a lesbian to get away from him and take their child away from him to only see her on weekends. Even when the results revealed that Herb and Judith's child was actually Alan and Judith's, Judith still wanted nothing to do with him. Evelyn makes fun of him whenever he comes to visit, with or without Jake, and tells him to go away so she can entertain someone else. His luck seemed to manage to get worse ever since Charlie died.
That always made Alan wonder if Charlie was in charge of his fate and making fun of him from beyond the grave. Walden was no help. What kind of name is that anyway? Walden Schmidt? Walden is a lot worse to live with than Charlie ever was. Sure, Charlie got drunk on occasion and always slept with women, but Charlie was Alan's brother and no matter what, he still loved the drunk, lonely guy. From when Alan was born, the two always had each other. Alan found himself walking to the crematorium, or whatever it was called, where Charlie's ashes were after being sucked in a vacuum cleaner.
"Are you there, Charlie? It's me, Alan..." the younger brother said, once he found his brother's remains. "How are you?"
The container, of course did not respond. Alan just pretended it was like talking to Charlie again, and found himself lightly chuckling at any witty remark Charlie would make to him.
"Yeah, I know, you're living it up while I'm here suffering," Alan made himself more comfortable. "Sometimes, I wish that your death is a nightmare I'm living in and I haven't woken up yet... I guess you wanna know what's going on... Well, you know, Walden owns the house now, Jake is living in Japan now... You also have a daughter... A bisexual one... She's basically a younger, female you..."
The container still didn't respond.
Alan formed a struggling smile. "I miss you... You're my brother, you made my life a living Hell, you drank, you gambled, but I miss you..."
"Alan, wake up..." a distant voice said.
"Huh?" Alan went closer to the container, picking it up. "Did you say something?"
"Alan, it's Charlie, wake up!" the voice sounded more like that voice Alan knew all too well that rang in his ears with memories. Even after Charlie died, his voice had not left Alan's mind.
"I must be hearing things..." Alan murmured, placing the container down.
"Alan, if you don't wake up, I'm kicking you out of the house once Rose and I are settled in!"
Alan's eyes flashed open. He was in his bed and it hadn't changed at all. It was just like the way it used to be before Walden donated the piano to poor children and decided to decorate to help Alan cope with the loss of Charlie. He looked before him and saw Charlie, alive and well, kneeling over him.
"About time you woke up!" Charlie snapped. "You told me you wanted to see me right when I got home from Paris with Rose!"
"Charlie?" Alan raised an eyebrow, then sat up in the bed with a wide smile. "Is it really you?"
Charlie rolled his eyes. "Of course, it's me, numb nuts! Who else could it be?"
"I-I thought you died..."
"Died!?" Charlie laughed. "I knew you hated me, but gosh Alan, that's low, even for me!"
"No, I don't hate you, come here." Alan wrapped his arms around his brother.
Charlie was totally confused. Why was Alan hugging him and why now? He was only gone for a weekend! "Alan, have you been drinking while I was gone?"
"No, I'm just happy you're alive," Alan let go, sounding excited like a child at Christmas. "I mean, after you were killed in a train accident in Paris, I-"
"Train accident? What the hell are you talking about?"
"I mean, when you were with Rose, you were hit by a train!"
Charlie scoffed. "Does it look like I was hit by a train?"
"Charlie, is he awake yet?" Rose's voice called.
"Yeah, and he's talking like he lost his mind!" Charlie called back and looked back at his younger brother. "What's gotten into you, Alan?"
"But, Walden..."
"Walden? What kind of name is Walden?"
Had Alan imagined it all? Was Charlie's death just a horrible nightmare? "Where's Jake?"
"He was asleep as usual in his room, I think you need to get some rest, Alan. We'll talk later, okay?" Charlie smirked, then walked off. "Oh, by the way, you're gonna be an uncle."
"An uncle?" Alan shot back up, remembering Jenny. "Oh, Charlie, do you know about Jenny?"
"Jenny?" Charlie looked back. "I've always liked that name..."
"You had a daughter named Jenny with some woman and she was just like you! Only bisexual!"
Charlie laughed and ruffled up Alan's hair. "Get some rest, I'm gonna give you a break this time. If you need me, I'll be in my room with Rose, unpacking." Charlie laughed and shut the door behind him.
Alan blinked, setting in his bed. He just wondered if it really was all a bad dream. Was there no real such thing as Jenny Harper or Walden Schmidt? Alan rubbed his head, wondering what hit him. That dream must've been a guilt coma of some sort. Alan had always wanted Charlie to be dead and deserved to be killed but once Charlie did die in his dream, Alan's life just became miserable. Alan leaned back calmly and smiled, sleeping in his bed.