Haruhi In Sweat Pants
The Little Sister Gambit
Yuki's Pockets
Two-Timing Bastard
Gemini Dream
Urges II
Sweat Pants
by Haruhi Suzumiya and the SOS Brigade
Important note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people or places in this story is purely coincidental.
Author's notes: Please be aware that there was no actual author. Any resemblance of this story to existing stories is purely coincidental.
The Little Sister Gambit:
- Scene 1:
Kyon is starting on lunch in class when he notices several of the girls in class getting his attention.
Kyon: Huh?
He looks at the door and makes his way through the small mob of girls to find Koizumi in the hall.
Kyon: Hey, Koizumi. You ask for me?
Koizumi: Yeah, if we could have a moment alone?
They venture into the hallway and are left alone a few moments later.
Kyon: That's quite a following you have.
Koizumi: Isn't it, though? Really, it's such a bother.
Kyon: So, what did you want to talk about?
Koizumi: You mind if I ask a personal question?
Kyon: I don't mind if you ask, just don't expect an answer.
Koizumi: (softly laughing) You're a funny guy, Kyon. But seriously, I'd like to know. What would be the best way to convince you do to me a big favor? Do you prefer bribery, flattery, or maybe a combination of the two?
Kyon: Flattery works pretty well on me, but I'd also like to know what prompted this favor you want.
Koizumi: Well, Kyon my old pal. Have I told you how smart you are, lately? Honestly, who else but you would have given me such a respectable and considerate answer as that?
Kyon: All right. That's a pretty good start. Go on.
Koizumi: I haven't ever told you how much I envy you, have I?
Kyon: You envy me?
Koizumi: Oh sure. I mean, you look at me and you think, "Here's a guy who could probably get away with murder if he wanted." Right?
Kyon: I don't know if I'd think that.
Koizumi: A lot of people resent my looks, though. And just for that very reason. They think there's no way I could ever get in trouble, and that's precisely why I have to be so careful. Because those very people are always watching. They're hoping I'll slip up and cause trouble.
Kyon: Yeah, I can see how that might be a problem.
Koizumi: I knew you'd sympathize, Kyon. Like I said, you're a really smart guy.
Kyon: Is this going anywhere?
Koizumi: The point is that I do envy you. You have that perfect combination of boyish charm and boyish awkwardness that lets you get by on pure personality. You're not threatening in attractiveness, nor are you even slightly absurd in your plainness. I know I've called you bland and uninteresting, but that's exactly why you have my envy.
Kyon: Is that supposed to be flattery?
Koizumi: Of course! Just think, Kyon. You could ask out any girl in this school and there's a pretty good chance they would accept if they knew you.
Kyon: Yeah, I find that last part is the tricky one.
Koizumi: Only tricky if you aren't bold enough to try.
Kyon: I'm not bold at all, though. I'm a coward.
Koizumi: (amused) The fact that you can admit that tells me that you could be bold if you wanted to.
Kyon: I don't really want to. Too much like work.
Koizumi: (a little exhausted) What I'm trying to say here is that the potential exists. And, if you did find yourself causing trouble like that, it would be easy to forgive you. Even Miss Suzumiya might look the other way on your indiscretions.
Kyon: Okay.
Koizumi: I, on the other hand, have no choice but to be a coward. If my boldness led me to making confessions to any one girl, I think I'd make enemies out of at least half the rest of the school.
Kyon: That sounds like a cop out to me.
Koizumi: But it's true. You seriously think I could date anyone and not risk my position?
Kyon: Hmm... Probably not.
Koizumi: Exactly. You have a rare gift.
Kyon: I thought you said I was just an ordinary, average guy.
Koizumi: Yes. In fact, you're so ordinary and average that you're practically unique in that respect.
Kyon: All right. Enough with the ass-kissing. What's this about?
Koizumi: As I'm sure you're aware, Miss Suzumiya has been campaigning for another movie. I recently acquired her rough outline, and I find myself unable to submit to its demands.
Kyon: You're the lead again?
Koizumi: It's worse than that. It's a romantic tragedy, with Miss Asahina as my counterpart.
Kyon: That does sound bad. So, what's the favor you want?
Koizumi: Well, just think about it. You really want me and Miss Asahina to do dozens of scenes together in a romance? You want to see her tragically swooning over me and possibly actually falling in love with me? I'm sure you know how things tend to become real when Miss Suzumiya imagines them for the purpose of her movies.
Kyon: Yeah, we need to stop this movie.
Koizumi: Exactly! Someone needs to go to Miss Suzumiya and tell her no. It has to be stopped.
Kyon: Haven't you already tried?
Koizumi: How do you think I got the rough outline in the first place? I've tried everything I can think of. I think she may be ignoring my complaints, at this point.
Kyon: She does get pig-headed at times.
Koizumi: Just go to her and ask her. That's all I ask. But think of how horrible the movie will be. Think of how painful it will be to shoot such a movie. Think of poor Miss Asahina.
Kyon: All right. I'll do it. You make a very convincing argument.
Koizumi: I knew I could count on you. You're a smart guy.
Kyon: (sighing) What am I doing?
Koizumi: You can do it!
Koizumi leaves, as Kyon enters the classroom. He goes and finds Haruhi sitting at his desk.
Haruhi: Hey, Kyon. I didn't think you'd be back, so I ate your lunch.
Kyon: Great. Now I'm going to be starving all day.
- Scene 2:
Kyon enters the clubroom, finding the others there.
Haruhi: Where have you been?
Kyon: Begging for food.
Haruhi: Well, since you decided to be tardy, I've decided to go ahead and acquaint the rest of the brigade with my new, spectacular movie outline.
Haruhi gestures to a piece of paper with some scribbling on it. Kyon goes and sits next to Koizumi.
Kyon: That's an outline? Looks more like some random notes.
Haruhi: That's the genius of it, Kyon! When great ideas come to me during production, we'll still have plenty of room to make improvements.
Koizumi gestures to Kyon meaningfully, and Kyon gives him a reassurring gesture.
Kyon: What inspired this story? Another stupid late-night movie?
Haruhi: No. I'll have you know that this was inspired by a best-selling novel!
Kyon: Even worse.
Haruhi: If this kind of thing sells a novel in the millions, how can it go wrong? We can't lose!
Kyon: Okay, since it's so good, why don't you play the lead role?
Koizumi looks a little shocked at that suggestion.
Haruhi: How can I play the lead when I'm needed to direct? What'll happen to the story? Jeez, Kyon!
Kyon: Why not? Lots of great directors also act the lead roles in their movies. Are you saying they're better than you?
Haruhi: No, it's just-
Kyon: Or are you afraid of making another bomb?
Haruhi: Another?
Kyon: That's right.
Haruhi: You want to try again?
Kyon: Okay. What I'm trying to say is that your movie stinks. I can't believe you actually showed it to people. What's wrong with you? Did you really not see you just embarrassed yourself?
Haruhi silently fumes for a few moments, then goes and sits.
Haruhi: Fine. Since that's your attitude, you can make the movie.
Kyon: You want me to be in charge?
Haruhi: Well, you apparently know something that I don't. If you're so qualified that you can call me out like that, then you must know a lot more than I do.
Kyon: Okay, so why bother making a movie at all?
Haruhi: That isn't a choice. You either make a better movie than me or I'll kill you.
Kyon: (looking around) Is that okay with everyone else?
Koizumi: Fine with me.
Mikuru: I think it's a great idea.
Haruhi: Traitors.
Kyon: Miss Nagato, do you have any objections to me doing a movie with you?
Yuki: No.
Kyon: Well, then...
Kyon gets up and stands next to Haruhi.
Kyon: (softly) I'm sorry I called you out like that.
Haruhi: Don't expect me to forgive you.
Kyon: What I'm trying to say is that I can't really do a movie without you.
Haruhi: Oh yeah?
Kyon: I want you to be the lead role. I insist.
Haruhi: Well...
Kyon: You have a lot of talent for performance. Don't short-change yourself.
Haruhi: Okay. Since you asked so nicely, I'll do it. But you better do a good job.
Kyon: Okay. First thing: I'm not going to be the director.
Haruhi: What?
Kyon: I'm going to delegate that task.
Haruhi: Don't think I'll go easy on you just because you chicken out of directing.
Kyon: I'm not being a chicken. I'm just saying, running a camera and editing is plenty of work already. No, I have someone much better than myself in mind for the job of director.
Haruhi: Who is it?
Kyon: You'll find out on Sunday. Let's all meet up at my place, then.
- Scene 3:
Sunday morning. Kyon and his little sister are sitting in the living room, as the others enter.
Koizumi: So, when are we going to meet this mysterious director?
Kyon: She's right here.
Koizumi: Where?
Mikuru: You mean your little sister?
Kyon: That's right.
Sister: Hey, everybody!
Koizumi: Why, hello.
Mikuru: Hello.
Haruhi stands around, pouting.
Sister: (pointing at Haruhi) So, she's the lead?
Kyon: Right.
Sister: That's perfect. She'll make a great tomboyish tsundere character! The audience will love her.
Kyon: (sighing) Isn't she creative?
Haruhi: Great. Kyon, could I have a word with you?
Sister: Is something wrong? I could make you a flighty crybaby, but that seems like a bit of a stretch. I mean, I don't really know you well enough to tell whether you could pull it off.
Haruhi drags Kyon aside.
Haruhi: (softly) Is this your way of getting back at me? You're trying to make me look stupid, right?
Kyon: (softly) What? No. Trust me, Sister is great at this kind of thing.
Sister: (looking at Koizumi) You're obviously the other lead.
Koizumi: I guess so. Not too big a part, I hope.
Sister: Oh, don't worry about it! You'll love being the lead.
Mikuru: So, do you really know what you're doing? I mean, we're doing a movie.
Sister: Yeah, that's right. Kyon told me all about it.
Kyon: It'll be just like playing pretend. Don't worry about any of the boring technical details. Koizumi and I will deal with that. Any time you want us to take a break, you let us know.
Sister: We're going to have fun! I promise!
Koizumi: Well, all right. I can't wait.
Sister: (to Haruhi) I'm sorry I started in on you like that. You want to give the lead to someone else?
Haruhi: No, it's okay.
Sister: What kind of part do you want to play?
Haruhi: Me?
Sister: Yeah. What do you think would be fun?
Haruhi: Well... I kind of see myself as a pirate captain or maybe a smooth criminal-
Sister: Okay, you're definitely the tomboyish tsundere. Only, you won't get to do much "dere". That would spoil the fun.
The others laugh while Haruhi scowls and Sister looks around, puzzling.
Sister: Isn't there one more?
Kyon: Huh? Oh, you mean Miss Nagato.
Yuki appears out from behind Mikuru.
Kyon: Sorry, I guess she doesn't have a lot of presence.
Sister: Hmm... I guess she can be the quiet friend with a mysterious past. You think she can keep a straight face while we pull off some visual gags?
Kyon: Maybe. I think I can persuade her.
Mikuru: What should I do?
Sister: (thinking for a moment) Oh, you can be the mother. You'll just be super nice to everybody no matter what happens. That can be a running gag.
Mikuru: I think that would be fun.
Haruhi: So, do you have any ideas? Where are we going with this?
Sister: No, I just thought I'd ask everybody. I do want it to be a fun story, so we'll just do a parody.
Kyon: I suggest we parody this.
Kyon hands Sister the outline that Haruhi made.
Sister: Oh! This will be perfect! We're going to have lots of fun with this!
- Scene 4:
At the park. Yuki is reading while Mikuru sits with a platter of tea cups ready. Haruhi sulks nearby while Kyon and Koizumi are chatting next to the camera. Sister is running around, playing a kind of fight scene of her own.
Koizumi: These fight scenes can be pretty intricate.
Kyon: So, you want to do a lot of close-ups?
Koizumi: Well, I'd like to do a lot of reaction shots. You can always intercut them with pose shots, and I think that would work for suggesting the action. I'm thinking, the more absurd, the better. You know, jump straight from stock still into crazy action. Lots of wild fast-motion and throws.
Kyon: So, we need to do a lot of medium shots?
Koizumi: Well... Try to move the camera in as much as you can. I don't like to overuse the wide angle, but too much jitter can really ruin a good fight scene.
Haruhi: Are we doing this scene or what?
Koizumi: Sorry, we were just hashing out the details. (to Kyon) Actually, just take the camera off the tripod and go full wide angle. It's kind of cliche, but you can understand why people use it a lot when you think about it this way.
Kyon: Less messing around with focus.
Koizumi: Right. Just make sure you have your white balance and f-stop set right. I don't want to have to redo another washed out scene.
Sister runs up to them.
Sister: Are you ready to start the big fight scene?
Kyon: Yeah, I think we're about good to go.
Sister: (to Koizumi) So, how are you going to play this? When you get all tangled up, you need to be kind of writhing and in pain but also apologizing and saying cute things like, "I don't usually grope on the first date."
Koizumi: You think I could squeeze in a few more crude jokes?
Sister: Well, okay. But not too crude. I don't want to hear some pervy fart jokes.
Koizumi: Perish the thought.
Sister: Where's my other lead?
Haruhi promptly appears, still sulking a little.
Haruhi: What is it?
Sister: You remember what we talked about? You get your hand caught and you go down. The important thing is that your face ends up between his knees.
Haruhi: (scowling) I wouldn't really trip like that, would I? That just seems so out-of-character.
Sister: Character isn't important here. Well, it's not as important as getting the gag. If you don't trip, then how do you fall and end up like that?
Haruhi: This is so embarrassing.
Sister: Can you do a fall like that? I don't want you to get hurt.
Haruhi: I can fall like that in my sleep. I was a member of the judo club for a while.
Sister: All right. So, you're set to go. Everybody ready?
Kyon: I think so.
Sister: Miss Asahina, are you ready with the tea?
Mikuru: I'm fine.
Sister: (to Kyon) I really have to say, that Yuki is a great actor.
Kyon: Really?
Sister: Yeah. I haven't seen her blow a line yet.
Kyon: Too bad our heroine isn't as dependable.
- Scene 5:
The clubroom. Yuki reads, as Koizumi and Haruhi are playing a card game. Mikuru enters with some tea.
Koizumi: Okay. So, it's settled. The winner of this game gets to reveal their deep, dark secret.
Haruhi: And the loser has to pretend to care while weeping dramatically. Got it.
Koizumi: It's on.
Haruhi: I'm taking you down, punk.
Koizumi: No way.
Haruhi: What kind of deep, dark secret would a man have, anyway? I'll bet you're just some pathetic loser with a mommy complex.
Koizumi: That's funny, coming from you. I'll bet you're just some runaway who got lost trying to find her way back home.
Mikuru: Now, now. Let's not fight, guys.
Mikuru places some tea near them.
Haruhi: Why is your mother serving us tea, even here?
Koizumi: It's kind of her thing.
Haruhi: Anyway, deal the cards already!
Koizumi: All right. Here we go!
- Scene 6:
The screening room. Kyon, his little sister, Mikuru, Koizumi, and Yuki are watching the card game scene.
Koizumi: Ouch. I did that line way better in rehearsal.
Mikuru: It's still pretty funny.
Kyon: You did do a lot of rehearsals. There was bound to be a few lines you overplayed.
Koizumi: This is some inspired editing, Kyon.
Kyon: It helps when the work gets done so quickly.
Sister: You can thank me for that.
Koizumi: Thanks a lot. (to Kyon) You ever find out where Haruhi went?
Kyon: No, I think she's probably working on her music.
Koizumi: Oh, right. I wasn't sure you could pull it off, but this is really good.
Kyon and his sister: Thanks.
They look at each other and laugh.