Dear Brendan :)

Brendan,

I'm so glad that you can't see my face, I don't even know how I'm writing this letter, I can hardly see through my tears. I understand that you needed to be strong, but you seemed cold and considering that was my last memory of you I don't think it was fair. You could have at least told me you loved me, it would've been nice to hear it one last time. It broke my heart being torn away from you like that, but reading your letter has made me feel better, it's good to know you feel the same.

I hate that you're away from me too especially when you didn't need to be. You didn't need to confess to those murders and you could've told the truth about Seamus…explained that it was in self-defense. Sometimes I really don't understand you. You tell me you didn't want this, but you choose this and I will never forgive you, never. You made me fall in love with you all over again and you promised me a future. I don't even have a life now let alone a future. You have destroyed me.

I know you did what you did for Cheryl, but couldn't you have fought a little harder for us. Yes Cheryl is happy you'll be glad to know, but I'm not, I'm so miserable without you. Do you even care about that? Do you honestly think that I won't love you forever? Because I will, I will love you until my heart stop's beating and if I carry on drinking the way I am, that will be pretty soon. I'm so lonely Bren; I just want you here with me. We could do anything together couldn't we?

I'll always be your Steven will I? Good because I want to be and you will always be my Brendan. You think I want to be with someone else? I never want to be with anyone else as long as I live. I'm not just saying that, there will never be anyone that could fill your shoes. You are my one, my soul mate and if others try to get my attention they will fail. I gave up my heart for the last time; it's yours to keep now. All I want is you and if I can't have you then I don't want anyone.

Why can't I visit you? Please let me…just once, that's all I'm asking. I don't care what you look like; I just want to see you one more time. I know you hate prison; I saw what it did to you last time. I regret never coming to see you, but I will fight to see you now. You can refuse to see me, but I will keep on for as long as it takes. I will wait for you because I'm so in love with you, we can still have a life together, just not in the way we imagined.

You really want me to have Chez Chez? What about your boys? Maybe I could just have it until they are old enough. I'm getting sick of Doug anyway and it might take my mind of things a little. So the answer is yes. I will feel closer to you there anyway. We had some great memories in there, but also some bad ones, but it's part of you so I will embrace it and I promise I won't let you down. I'll make you proud of me. I don't want to change anything, it all stays the same. It all stays you.

I can't even remember when I first fell for you; it feels like I've loved you all my life. No one understands how I feel and all my friends tell me I need to get a grip, but losing you has devastated me. Love like ours doesn't come along very often and when it's lost nothing can make the pain go away. My love for you will never die and even if you ignore me, I will keep it alive until you return home to me. I will never forget you and what loving you felt like, simply because it was the best feeling in the world. I'm never giving up Brendan and I'm never going to say goodbye, so until next time.

Your Steven xx

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