Around him, everyone else was laughing. His sister and Cordelia were giggling and some others who was not particularly friendly with stood on their own or with some friends – His mother and father, with a friend he had only known as Jem, had gone out for a climb to the Penygadair, and back down for a ride in a boat across the murky waves that weave through the mountains. He was in the middle of them all – Him and his parabatai, Matthew.
"James, are you alright?" With his head tilted to the side, he gave James a look as if to say don't you try and lie to me. But James did lie. He always lied, and no matter how much his parabataidid not believe him, he didn't push it – James was grateful for that.
"Indeed I am." He gave a soft nod of his head, and looked away, hair falling into his eyes. He heard a sigh – To high pitched and practised to be Matthew – Matthew had never been discouraged by his unwillingness to tell, and he could only suggest that the culprit of this jaded sigh was his sister – Lucie.
"James, you mustn't be like this!" James recalled the different ways she had tried to coax the truth out of him – Using a soft and gentle voice, that would be patient with him. A nonchalant tone, as if she were trying to seem casual about it. She even used an angry tone with him, although it didn't last a long time. Guilt set into her face soon enough after shouting whilst their parents were out.
This time she was exasperated – Something that showed through no matter what her mood. Exasperation and desperation.
He turned to her, his eyes set in stone like they had been marked onto his face. "Lucie, please, don't make a-"
"A scene? That is what you have said to me every time! Every time, James! Yet a scene is always made without fail – By you. It hurts me James! You think it doesn't," She sighed loudly, lowering her voice as few people started to look her away, trying to be discreet yet failing. "But it does." She finished, breathing heavily. No matter how much he had liked to seem cruel, he had always softened his expression at the sight of Lucie's slowly withering eyes.
His father had told him a story of when he was a younger man. He had told him of his sisters, and apyxis in his fathers office which had cursed him. His sister's death and how he ran away to the institute like a coward. Those words were left unspoken, however.
He had told Lucie and James of how he met Jem and Tessa, and the tragedies in his life – He told them of all the good things too, though. Too many to mention.
At first, when James had felt the despairing need to die, he had thought it was because of the stories his father had told him. Maybe they had left him depressed, somehow. But he knew it was not that, but rather his own spirit being driven mad and angry by something he did not yet know of.
He was fifteen. when it had first happened to him – His feeling of sadness. No. Not sadness. Anger.
It came to him like a wave from the sea, falling over his body and thrashing continually around him, chilling him to the bone. He wanted to hurt people. Himself.
He was unsure as to why it was happening; He was happy. His life was good. He had books, a sister and a mother and father to keep him company. Although his mother was no woman who would get older, he knew she would become wiser.
She knew what had happened to him – He had told her one night where there was a rainstorm. Lucie was with her father, both of them on one room – He was to join them, along with his mother, who had gone out to find a candle. He had stopped infront of her, momentarily scaring her, but she relaxed once she saw the familiar face.
"I don't feel well." Was the first thing he said, and confusion washed over her face.
"What's wrong? Is it a headache? Perhaps a stomach ache?" She questioned him. He could see she was concerned for him even in the dark. Her face was light, and full of love.
"No. It's… I don't know how to explain. I hate it. I hate it all."
And he told her how he felt.
She sat and listened with him in the dark – They were both sat on the floor, his head on her lap whilst she stroked his hair softly. It had reminded him of when he was younger. Seven years old, maybe.
"Oh, James." Was all she said. She sounded sad. A warm liquid fell onto his face – Tears. She had told him it would be okay. That it was normal for someone his age, with their hormones. And he believed. He had gone back into the room with Will, Lucie and Tessa, and together as a family, they had smiled and told stories.
He had believed it would all be okay. But it wasn't.
Matthew had tried to make it better – Although he had not known what was wrong. Lucie had tried to ignore it for a while. Will? He tried to be a dad. He did all he could. Not enough. And Tessa tried to forget. It was not hard for her, since he had always tried to act his happiest when around her. He didn't want to worry her. She had enough problems of her own, of course.
He was grateful for them all. His friends, family. Everyone. Yet he couldn't bring himself to tell them.
Truth was, he didn't really know himself.
*Penygadair - The summit, top of the chair.