"You just don't understand." I coldly rebuff as she chases me. Her gentle hands reaching out and touching my shoulder. Her sweet voice pierces through the back of my head like a bullet. Not bothering with my ears, just straight to my brain.
"Sweetie this is the one thing in my life that I understand more than anything else. I understand that I love you. I understand that you're the strongest person I've ever met and you can handle anything. What YOU don't understand is I can't stand here waiting with open arms for you to be open with me forever."
"Brittany…"
"Don't. Don't bother. I've heard everything I'm willing to here. You can't have me if you're not willing to admit you love me in front of everyone."
"The kids at school…"
"Will either love you more for it or meet the fists behind your well-manicured fingernails."
"My parents…"
"Have a warped view of you as some perfect little girl that has to be undone some time."
"Why are you being so awful to me?"
"Because I want you to be happy and love yourself as much as I love you!"
As she turns and walks out of my room, her blonde hair flowing behind her, her long legs stomping down the stairs. I run up to my bathroom and reach for my sleeping pills. The first few fall into my mouth in my swallow of water easy like they weren't even there. The next handful goes down harder. The next I can barely swallow. I knew I wasn't in Glee club, it was summer time, but something just made me need to sing.
"If I die young, bury me in satin Uh oh, uh oh Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother The sharp knife of a short life, well If I die young, bury me in satin The sharp knife of a short life, well
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
I've had, just enough time
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
I've had, just enough time…
I come to realize that I had fallen onto the floor. I see myself in the full length mirror of the bathroom door. I'm pathetic. I can't hold on to anything in my life and it's all my fault. My fault for being weak, my fault for being so helpless, it's all me. At least now that I'm ending it they'll all be able to move on. Brittany and Artie will live happily ever after, despite the fact that that asshole treats her like a child. My parents might finally realize what a failure I was…
Suddenly there's a knock on the door.
"Santana? Santana are you okay?"
"What are you doing back here? Expecting I'd have posted my facebook relationship status to 'lonely dyke' by now? That your bashing into my skull how worthless I am as long as I want to be popular and pretty and enjoy not being hated by everyone has taken effect?"
"Santana nothing about you is worthless…"
"Why the fuck are you here, tease?"
"Because I felt bad for what I said to you!"
"It's too late!"
"It's never too late to learn to love-"
"No Brittany. It's not just too late to come out. It's too late to do anything. Because I just downed a bottle of pills. And you are in no position to…"
I feel the room spinning; I'm dizzy as hell and getting really tired. My heat hits the porcelain tile of the wall behind me. Brittany's yelling words I can't make out. Maybe she's just screaming. My head hurts. I need to sleep. There's banging going off somewhere. Brittany against the door, maybe? But I hear it as drum beats to continue my song.
"And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when she was holding my hand, there's a
Girl here in town who says she'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time."
Why am I still singing? Whoa! Brittany is strong enough to kick down a door. I never would have, hey! Why aren't I talking? I feel her arms around me and my head cock to the side. I know my eyes are open because I see Brittany's cool peach legs next to my tanner more copper ones. Tears dropping on both pairs of legs.
"Santana! Santana don't leave me. You can't go!"
She's screaming at me now. I wonder how long she'll keep screaming after I finally fall asleep. I can't move, I can't speak. All I know is that I don't want to go anymore. With her touching me I feel so safe, so warm, so loved. "Br-Brit.." I manage to moan out of my mouth. "I love you." I barely manage to breath the next sentence out like a whisper before everything goes black. The next thing I remember was cold water on my head and face. Not enough to wake me up. Shaking, beeping, more lifting me up, screaming, crying. All illustrated by the black screen in my head.
Brittany?
Mom?
"So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar If I die young, bury me in satin Uh oh The sharp knife of a short life, well So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls…
What I never did is done
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
I've had, just enough time
The song finishes in my head as I look up into a bright light. Heaven? God? No, no this is fluorescent. I'm in a paper gown covered by one of those gross sheets that is neither warm nor comforting but they call it a blanket. I'm sweaty, and I'm not alone. There is this little pressure and warmth on my lap. A sleeping puppy? No. My sweet blonde love. Brittany is laying on me fast asleep from a chair at my bedside. I hear the beeping of a heart monitor, steady and repetitive. I look up and see my mom's purse on a chair by the bed.
"Britt-britt." I wheeze out, tired and too soft.
She doesn't hear me. She's off dreaming about cats and rainbows again. I hear talking from the hall. My dad is out there, so is Quinn, Rachel, Puckerman, and even Finn. I'm guessing the whole glee club decided to come out to my party. Wait, this wasn't a party. I had almost died. Now everyone was going to know that bad-ass tough bitch Santana Lopez has feelings. That I have weak moments. That I'm lonely and nothing without her.
"I love you…" I whisper again. I stroke Brittany's hair. "I love you for everything you are and everything you push me to be. Which is really just myself. I'm done hiding. I'm done being weak. I'm ready for this."
I hear the door open. "Mom, I'm gay." Before anyone has a chance to say anything. I just blurt it out. The room goes blank and silent.