So Hard
It had taken Ruthie a few months to get over Martin. She was convinced that she could live her life without him in it. She tried to make him into the bad guy because of the way he treated Sandy before the baby was born, and because he lied to her for so long about the baby. She couldn't stop her feelings, though. Every day she wanted to call him. She had tried talking to her parents, Simon, and Lucy about how she felt, but she couldn't really tell them everything. She couldn't tell them where her heart really was.
Ruthie tried to have boyfriends. She tried to fall in love, but nothing she did worked. She wanted to fall in love with someone else, but her heart wouldn't let her. It couldn't let go of the strong feelings that she had for Martin. She tried so hard to convince herself that she didn't love Martin anymore, but it just wasn't working.
One day, as she was trying to forget about him, Martin showed up at her house. He needed to talk to her. It was so difficult for her to see him, let alone talk to him. This was her first true love, even though they never dated. She didn't want to see him, but she knew that she couldn't resist this opportunity to see him again.
"Hi," he said quietly as she walked down the stairs.
"Hi," she said timidly. Ruthie had never been the shy kind of girl, but she finally was. He made her into a different person.
"Ruthie, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I left."
"Really?" Her eyes brightened.
"Yeah. You were my best friend and I miss you. I don't get to talk to you anymore, and I really miss that."
"Is that all you miss?"
"No, I miss seeing you."
She started to feel happy. She thought that maybe he was here to tell her that he wanted her to be his girlfriend. She thought that maybe all of this mess with Sandy and the baby was over. She wanted him to be close to his son, but she felt like she needed to be with him.
"Why do you miss seeing me?"
"Ruthie, I love you."
Her heart skipped a beat. There it was. He admitted he loved her. He was in love with her. She knew that he had to be. Why would he come so far to talk to her if he didn't love her?
"I love you, too."
"I know, but the way you love me is different from the way I love you."
"What do you mean?"
"I thought for so long that I could love you and only you, but then the baby came along and I had to choose between you and him. I would say it was an easy choice, but it wasn't. I still miss being here with you, and I miss seeing your beautiful smile everyday. But I came here to tell you to move on. It's not fair that we can't be together, but that's how it has to be. I screwed up and we can't be together. At least not now."
"Why not? You just said you loved me. You said it was different, but you know that it isn't. You know that we love each other the same way."
"Ruthie, I can't be with you right now. I need you to try to move on. I need to be with my son right now, and it wouldn't be fair to you or to him if I had to split my attention. Maybe in a few years things will be different. Maybe you can come and go to college with me. That way we'll get to spend more time together. Being in a long distance relationship is just something that I can't do right now."
Ruthie began to cry. Martin walked over and put his arms around her. He held her tight. She felt like she didn't ever want him to let go. He leaned down and gave her a kiss before whispering, "I can't be with you right now, so I need you to move on. You deserve the chance to be with someone who can see you all the time and who can make sure that you're okay. I can't be that person right now."
"I can't move on. I've tried."
"You have to try harder."
"But I can't."
"Yes you can. You are the strongest willed person that I know. You can do this. You can move on with your life. I need you to do that. I need to know you'll do that. I can't live with knowing that you won't move on with your life. It kills me to know that I've put you in so much pain. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted any of this to happen, but it did, and I have to live with it. Unfortunately, so do you. So, please, move on."
He kissed her once more before walking out the door. She knew deep down that he was right, but she didn't feel strong enough to move on. It was too hard on her. It was so hard that she didn't know if she could live with knowing that she'd let the person of her dreams get away.
Somehow, she had to stop pretending that her feelings for Martin were gone. She actually needed to make them go away. She thought she needed him, but he was right. She is strong willed and she will make it through. She can move on with her life. It will be so hard, but she can do it.