Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men, Marvel, Galaxy Quest, Scarface, the Fox Network, Star Trek, Sailor Moon, 'The Simpsons', 'Jeopardy', the Imperial March and Star Wars or Allan Rickman. I don't want to make any money off of them, although I can't imagine why anyone would WANT to pay me for my fics…
Author's note: This story is dedicated to Darth Maligna, peerless humorist, Ray Park stalker, and dark mistress of the parody. Thanks for the inspiration to do mine. The fic…well read it, ya moron! And review it, too, dammit! (What you have just witnessed is GambitGirl having her Wolverine moment for the day.)
GAMBIT & THE AUTHOR CREATION
Or
The Ragin' Cajun vs. Mary Sue
The mansion, in the morning. Cyclops comes into the kitchen, looking perfectly bland, as always, and sipping a cup of coffee. (Decaf, of course.)
CYCLOPS: Ahh. Nothing like a spring morning.
Half the audience gets up and walks out at the nauseating sound of his voice.
CYCLOPS: [Squints down at the seats.] We weed out all the non-fanatical X-men fans? Good.
He slips back into the role of Scott Summers-fearless-leader-of-the-X-men-unless-it-involves-actually-doing-something. Jean enters, looking fresh and wholesome.
ROUGE FANS: Puke.
GAMBITGIRL: Rouge isn't even in this story, so shut up.
The Rouge fans begin to advance on her with sharp objects.
GAMBITGIRL: Oh-oh. [Vanishes.]
JEAN: [Subdued] Good morning, Scott.
SCOTT: Hello, darling.
JEAN: [Sighs heavily.]
SCOTT: Darling, what is it?
JEAN: Please don't call me darling.
SCOTT: [Gets his near-permanent 'durr..' look on his face.] Why?
Logan, the man who single-handedly makes up for the rest of the Canadians in the world, five foot three inches of pure animal attraction and bad-boy vibes, enters, looking hung over and rumpled, and a thousand times better than Scott and Freddie Prinze Jr. together ever could.
LOGAN: [In a growl that sends shivers up every female spine.] Hey darlin'.
JEAN: That's why. [She faces Scott.]
SCOTT: Oh no. Not one of these.
He begins to back away in terror.
JEAN: Scott, it's not working. I love you, but I need something more. [She faces Logan.] I was wrong to reject you, Wolverine. I realize now I need you.
SCOTT: [Quivering] But dar—pumpkin face…why???
JEAN: Be with me, Logan. Like so many people out there in the real world hoped we would.
LOGAN: Uh-uh! No way! You ain't trappin' me in one o' these fics again!
He dives out the kitchen window and runs to the garage, where he sees Scott's crummy bike and his own perfectly restored Norton. He freezes. 'Jeopardy' music starts to play.
GAMBITGIRL: Oh cut that out.
The music stops. Scott peers out the window after Wolverine.
JEAN: Don't run away from your feelings, Logan!
SCOTT: It's not that kind of a fic, Jean.
JEAN: Oh. My bad.
Wolverine is still whipping his head in indecision.
SCOTT: Ever since that damn movie came out he's stolen my bike. Every. Single. Time. I tell you, it's getting to be the most over-used inside joke in fanfictiondom.
GambitGirl takes a quivering Logan gently by the hand and leads him to his Norton.
LOGAN: Hey, thanks, babe.
GAMBITGIRL: [Michelle Pheiffer in Scarface] Don't call me babe.
LOGAN: Sorry, babe.
GambitGirl smacks Logan upside the head.
GAMBITGIRL: I like you, but not that much.
Logan, set right, roars off, inexplicably, into the sunset, and the story continues now that the superfluous lead-in has been taken care of.
***
New Orleans, a dark back alley in the French Quarter. Remy LeBeau, a Cajun god among men, is strolling along by himself. His copper hair glints in the moonlight, his cigarette is held perfectly between his sensuous lips, his—
AUDIENCE: Come on, let's go! We get it, Gambit is perfect!
GAMBITGIRL: Why yes he is.
AUDIENCE: ARGH!
Strange noises begin from up ahead. Fight noises, and then shouts of pain.
REMY: What the heck is that?
GambitGirl and all the other members of the Gambit Group (if you have no clue what that is read the mean spleen's 'These People Scare Me') scream at him.
G.G.: TALK IN THE REMY VOICE!!!
Remy jumps about ten feet in the air, and then looks very afraid.
REMY: I of course meant, 'What de hell is dat?' [Looks around wildly for more members of the G.G.]
GAMBITGIRL: That's better.
The fight noises get worse, WWF caliber.
REMY: Gambit t'ink he better go see what de fuss is. [Looks around furtively once more, then runs to the noise.]
At the scene a thug dressed in black comes flying out of an alley, then another right after him. Then finally a blond woman with ridiculous hair.
WOMAN: Mon dieu! Thees eez de worst fight I 'ave ever been in!
REMY: Belle? What're you doin' in de fic?
BELLADONNA: I do not know, I think the author hates me. If you'll excuse me, I'll just go die in the agony I deserve as the leader of the Assassin's Guild and the heartless wench that jilted you.
REMY: But I jilted you, chere.
BELLADONNA: I don't think that makes much difference to this author. Ooohhhh…spleen… [She crawls away into a gutter.]
Remy enters the alley.
FEMALE VOICE: Oh, back for more are we?
The voice is musical as a flute, and tough as steel. Also incredibly sexy.
REMY: Gambit have a bad feelin' about dis.
GambitGirl gives him a poke.
REMY: Ow! Alright, alright.
He turns back to the Voice.
FRANK SINATRA: Me?
GAMBITGIRL: Gah. No. Never. Please go away, you're traumatizing the children. [Sinatra returns to the 'Music Groups' section and goes back to figuring out how to import Sonny Corleone from the 'Movies' section to wack N'sync.]
REMY: Non, mon ami, I not wit' dem. Who's dere?
A heavenly chord plays and, lit by light from above, a woman steps forward. She is beautiful, and of course resembles GambitGirl (Red hair, hazel eyes, tall, but of course not taller or even-height with Remy.)
WOMAN: Then who are you?
REMY: My name is Remy LeBeau.
The woman raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. Remy feels instant attraction to her.
REMY: I do?
GAMBITGIRL: Just go with it, Cajun. [Remy shrugs and turns on the Gambit Charm Generator, but of course the woman will be a challenge and become even more wildly attractive.]
REMY: What was dis fight all about?
WOMAN: Some thugs, I don't know why they want me. [Smacks a fist into her palm.] But if they want a fight, they got one.
REMY: Hmm. Maybe dey want you 'cause you such a lovely lady? [The woman looks at him askance.]
WOMAN: Save it, LeBeau. We have to get out of here, there are more coming.
REMY: How do you know?
WOMAN: I have good ears, as well as perfect pitch, 20/15 eyesight, and an infallible sense of smell. Come on. [She grabs Remy's hand and pulls him deeper into the alley.]
***
The mansion, night. Beast is sitting in front of a console watching 'World's Deadliest Police Chases'. The comm beeps and he jumps.
BEAST: I wasn't watching a reality show on the Fox Network!
ROUGE'S VOICE: Beast?
ROUGE FANS: Heeeyyyy…
GAMBITGIRL: Zip it!
BEAST: [Very dignified to hide his guilty secret.] Ah, Rouge. How is your top-secret mission coming?
ROUGE: Pretty good, considerin' anyone with a ham radio could be listening in on this message.
BEAST: Excellent. What do you have to report?
ROUGE: Well, I haven't seen much yet, but I— [There are sounds of scuffling and mayhem from the comm and then it goes dead.]
BEAST: Oh dear. [Turns to GambitGirl.] Why can't I ever curse?
GAMBITGIRL: Beats me.
***
New Orleans, a small and dingy room. Remy and the woman enter.
WOMAN: I've been hiding out here, trying to figure out who wants to kidnap me. I hate feeling trapped like a rat, but the men are always there, like dark shadows.
REMY: Wow, chere, you both tough and vulnerable at de same time.
WOMAN: I think they want me because I'm a mutant.
AUDIENCE: Oh THAT wasn't obvious at all!
REMY: You a mutant? Really?
WOMAN: Yes. I'm telepathic, telekinetic, can absorb and shoot energy blasts, and skilled in several dozen martial arts.
GAMBITGIRL: Okay, that form of humorous line is boring. Find a new one.
WOMAN: Of course. I have a dead on sense of humor that's a cross between Shakespearean wit and Adam Sandler before his head exploded from his ego.
GambitGirl smacks her.
WOMAN: Hey! I'm your mirror in this story! You can't slap me!
GAMBITGIRL: I smacked you.
WOMAN: Oh. Alright then.
REMY: So dey want you because you a mutant.
WOMAN: Yes.
REMY: I see. I might be able to help you.
WOMAN: What makes me think I need or want your help?
REMY: 'Cause de fic won't go anywhere otherwise.
WOMAN: Good point. First of all, we have to get out of the city. It's getting too dangerous. [She begins to pack weapons, gadgets and sexy lingerie.]
REMY: By de way…what's your name?
WOMAN: Mary Su—Cait.
REMY: Dat's a damn weird spellin' of Kate.
CAIT: GambitGirl's real name is Caitlin.
REMY: Oh. Dat explains it den.
CAIT: [Slams her suitcase shut.] Let's go.
Remy's communicator goes off.
REMY: You got Gambit, mon ami.
BEAST'S VOICE: I'm afraid I have some rather distressing news, Remy.
REMY: Let me guess…male patter baldness over your entire body.
BEAST: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
CAIT: Actually it was.
BEAST: You stay out of this!
GAMBITGIRL: You can't be indignant or emotional, Beast. Cut the crap and tell the distressing news.
BEAST: Oh. Right. [Clears throat and speaks in dire tones.] Rouge has been captured.
The 'DUM DUM DUM, DUM DE DUM' part of the Imperial March plays.
GAMBITGIRL: For god's sake…WRONG FANFIC, YOU IDIOTS!
RANDOM STAR WARS WRITER: Oooops. Sorry. But hey, you know, Star Wars is better than X-men anyway so…
Sabretooth enters and rips his head off.
SABRETOOTH: You know, that anger management course didn't do squat.
Logan runs in, bloody, with the upper half of his uniform ripped off. (Of course.)
LOGAN: Yo, Victor, we're battling to the death in the other fic she's writing, so get your ass back here.
SABRETOOTH: Whoops. Gotta go.
They both vanish.
***
In Rouge's cell, dank, dismal, and drippy. Rouge is pacing around trying to bend the bars, but can't. She then goes into a corner and quivers with a dewy look in her eye, long brown hair falling around her youthful face.
ROUGE FANS: Heeeyyyy…
GAMBITGIRL: You wanna fight?
Rouge receives her comic book personality and powers, and becomes self-confident and enraged at being captured. Before she can bend the bars, however, Remy is tossed into the cell with her.
REMY: Hey chere.
ROUGE: [Allan Rickman in Galaxy Quest.] I won't say it, I won't say that stupid line one more time…
GambitGirl begin to poke her hard, fearing for her life if she doesn't write Rouge properly.
ROUGE: Ow ow ow! [Quickly.] Hey, sugah!
REMY: Dey gonna kill us both, chere, unless you tell 'em where Xavier's new top-secret Shi'ar plot device is.
ROUGE: Say what?
REMY: No, I say dat.
ROUGE: What plot device? [Remy transforms into Mr. Sinister, evil dude, winner of the X-men Award for Villain Who Should Never Ever Wear Spandex Again.]
SINISTER: That's exactly what I was pulling out of your pretty little head MWAHAHAHAHA.
ROUGE: AHH! You're not the Cajun!
SINISTER: If I was the Cajun I'd take my own life. Mother of God…
GAMBITGIRL: Hey! Play nice. I can always replace you with Apocalypse or Magneto.
SINISTER: She can? [Rouge nods.] Oh dear. Ahem. Getting back to it…I now know the location of the miraculous plot device! But for one last key element to my scheme the world is mine! MWAHAHAHAHA! [He chokes on his own saliva and coughs for a few seconds, then makes a villainous exit.]
ROUGE: Oh no! What am Ah gonna do? I gotta warn the professor!
***
The mansion. Remy and Cait pull up with a squeal of tires.
CAIT: So this is where the X-men live?
REMY: Right. Dis is de school, where young mutants…hey, you know what? Dey all know dis stuff. Skip it. [He gets out and hurries inside.]
They are greeted by Storm in the foyer.
STORM: Please don't tell me I have to be the understanding mentor to the author creation.
REMY: Sorry, Stormy. No one else around t'do it.
JUBILEE: [Loudly, out of nowhere.] MEEEE!
Storm reflexively turns and kills her with a lightning blast.
STORM: [Struggling to control a grin.] Oh. How…unfortunate.
Remy and Cait look at Jubilee's body, then at Storm. They all walk off whistling with their hands in their pockets.
The professor's office. Remy and Cait enter. Xavier is on the phone, his back to them.
XAVIER: Star what? And they want me to play who? Look, Manny, I haven't had a decent film role in years, you're killin' me here— [He sees Remy and Cait.] Ahem. I'll call you back, President Kelly.
REMY: Professor, what's dis I hear about Rouge bein' captured?
XAVIER: She was on a mission for me… [He looks at Cait.] Do you mind?
Cait plugs her ears.
XAVIER: …To Mr. Sinister's base. [Remy instantly begins to have a contrived and hackneyed flashback. Xavier gets up, smacks him across the face and then sits back down.]
REMY: Did you just walk?
XAVIER: No. [Muttered.] That was a close one.
REMY: Why was she dere?
XAVIER: Sinister wishes to steal the Shi'ar plot device Lilandra gave me for my birthday to use for some nefarious purpose, and he will kill Rouge as soon as he knows where it is. We must rescue her immediately, and find out why he wants the device.
CAIT: Sorry, I heard all that. I'll help. I'm the most perfect mutant in the world.
REMY: And I have begun to examine my feelings about Rouge.
CAIT: So it's perfect. Just like me.
XAVIER: Come over here and say you're perfect one more time.
****OBLIGATORY DANGER ROOM SCENE WHERE CAIT AND GAMBIT FIGHT AND GET ALL SWEATY AND LAND ON TOP OF EACH OTHER AND CAUSE ROMANTIC TENSION OMITTED BECAUSE GAMBITGIRL IS DAMN LAZY****
The team is suited up in the ready room.
JEAN: It's not fair! I let Cait borrow one of my suits and she looks better than I do! And she has a witty and memorable code name! [Begins to sob.]
Scott, who is staring at Cait with a little drool coming out of his mouth (not that this is unusual for Scott), pats her distractedly with one hand.
SCOTT: There there.
STORM: Can I kill them?
GAMBITGIRL: Not yet.
STORM: Damn.
XAVIER: Alright, X-men, this mission is going to be dangerous and difficult and frankly with the way Cyclops flies you can kiss your asses goodbye before you even see Sinister.
BEAST: I don't have to go, neener neener. [Remy nudges him.] I mean, good luck, I will be standing by. [Rubs hands in anticipation of his new 'When Animals Attack' video.]
CYCLOPS: Alright, X-men. To the Blackbird! [He flaps his arms in a deranged manner and runs from the room. Jean looks at the audience.]
JEAN: And you wonder why I want to leave him?
***
In the Blackbird. It's Cyclops, Jean, Storm, Gambit and Cait. I'm not subjecting Wolverine to any more of this nonsense. Besides, right about now he's getting steel bonded to his bones in my other fic.
LOGAN: AHHHHGRRRRRAHHHHH
GAMBITGIRL: Yes, we know dear.
CYCLOPS: There's Sinister's hideout.
The hideout is a large, casino-like building with a helipad on the roof marked 'YES, THIS IS THE HIDEOUT'.
JEAN: Somehow this wasn't what I expected.
GAMBIT: Oo! I wonder if dey have poker!
***
In Sinister's throne room-type place. A henchman comes up to him.
HENCHMAN: How come I don't have a mutant name?
SINISTER: You're not important enough to remember. What is it?
HENCHMAN: Well the FBI is upstairs, something about gambling not being legal on U.S. soil and tax evasion, and the X-men are coming.
SINISTER: Curses! [He looks at a closed-circuit monitor of the X-men working their way through senior citizens and FBI agents in the casino.] Destroy them…wait. [He zooms in on Cait.] Hehehehe. HAHAHAHA. HOHOHOHO!!! [The henchman looks at him as if he's gone nutty.]
HENCHMAN: Well he has!
SINISTER: So, my little mouse has come to the cheese. Kill all of them except for her.
HENCHMAN: Yes sir. [He and the other henchman galumph off and engage in a battle with the team, which the henchmen lose miserably.]
The X-men burst into Sinister's chamber. He has Rouge strapped into a silver chamber thingy that has THIS IS THE PLOT DEVICE, DUH written on the side.
CYCLOPS: Let her go, Sinister!
GAMBIT: Or don'.
ROUGE FANS: Heeeeyyyyy…
GAMBIT: Ooops. Did I say dat out loud?
JEAN: We know your plan, Sinister.
SINISTER: I really doubt that, since I haven't given my big tell-all speech yet, which means even I don't know.
JEAN: You got a point there.
STORM: Not that I mind, but where is Cait?
Henchmen drag in Cait.
SINISTER: NOW it's time for the speech.
CYCLOPS: Oh goody! [Jean gives him a tap.] I mean, you'll never get away with it!
SINISTER: May I just talk, please?
GAMBIT: Rouge, it be okay, chere.
ROUGE: Cajun, I get the feeling you're conflicted about our relationship.
GAMBIT: Well, oui, but…
SINISTER: WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP? THIS IS MY SPEECH, DAMMIT!
EVERYONE ELSE: [Naughty grade school kids.] Sorry, Mr. Sinister.
SINISTER: That's better. Now, Gambit, my old friend—
STORM: Gambit, have a flashback and I hurt you.
SINISTER: Your pretty little woman is the most perfect mutant in the world. I will take her cells and put them into this machine.
JEAN: But that won't do anything. The machine doesn't do anything. It's just a pointless thing to move the fic along.
SINISTER: Oh, but it is soooo much more. You've all been thinking it was an actual plot device. But really, it's a Plot Device.
CYCLOPS: Wha?
SINISTER: I wouldn't expect YOU to understand, Laser Boy. Ms. Grey?
JEAN: [Affected horror.] Oh my god. What he means is the machine creates generic fan fiction plots, and if he puts Cait's cells into it…
SINISTER: Yesssss. An entire legion of horrendously similar Mary Sue stories will come forth! And I will command them all! MWAHAHAHAHA! [He grins.] Oh, I have to do that again. MWAHAHAHAHA! Get her cells!
GAMBIT: NOOOO!
The end result is very messy. Cait dies disabling the machine, though all she really had to do was set it to 'Good Plots' instead of 'Icky Plots'. Gambit is grief stricken.
REMY: Well…
GAMBITGIRL: GAMBIT IS GRIEF STRICKEN!
REMY: Oh mon dieu what a horrible tragedy no no no. [He goes back to watching 'Dukes of Hazzard'.]
Rouge and Remy set things right, even though they can't touch so nothing happens.
ROUGE FANS: Heeeyyyy…
GAMBITGIRL: Would you be happier if I changed that?
ROUGE FANS: YES!
GAMBITGIRL: Okay. Remy and Rouge kissed passionately, and she killed Remy dead with her absorption power. [Gambit fans kill all the Rouge fans because they made him die.]
Scott and Jean are still together, and Storm is spending her time caring for the professor after he accidentally set the Plot Device on 'Sailor Moon Crossover'.
XAVIER: [Spinning around in his wheelchair and waving a towel tube covered with foil] Moon…Crystal…POWER!
STORM: NOW can I kill him?
GAMBITGIRL: Knock yourself out.
STORM: Oh Professor…the Negaverse wants to have a word with you…
All in all everything turned out sad, but okay. Because that's the way these stories are supposed to end. Oh, and Logan came back fine from the other fic. But it's not a happy ending, of course.
THE HA-HA KID FROM THE SIMPSONS: Ha-ha! [Logan kills him.]
Now it is.
THE END, THANK GOD