EPISODE 2
FINAL FANTASY DEATHMATCH
ROUND 1- BARRET VS CID
ROUND 2- IRVINVE VS EDGAR
MAIN EVENT- SQUALL VS CLOUD
Reno: Welcome again, ladies and gentleman! We're glad you've all turned out to see the next episode of the best way to settle those age-old Final Fantasy rivalries- such as who's the best villain? who's the best hero? who's the best supporting character? etc etc- Final Fantasy Deathmatch!
Rude: Final Fantasy Deathmatch pits your favorite classic and new Final Fantasy characters against eachother for a gruesome but entertaining fight to the finish. The winner gets the title the two are fighting for- and the loser, well, the loser dies.
Reno: For example, tonight's episode will begin with the amazing confrontation between Final Fantasy VII's two profanity slingers, Cid and Barret! Who's got the more foul mouth? Find out in just a moment! And be warned, ladies and gentleman, this fight could turn ugly.
Rude: So get ready for the most insane, most destructive tournament in the world of Final Fantasy! Get ready for Final Fantasy Deathmatch!
Reno: Final Fantasy Deathmatch is sponsored by Mud. Mud- it may not always be there, but when it is, you slip on it.
Rude: Please note that every victory in the Final Fantasy Deathmatch series was decided by a completely fair coin toss. So if your favorite does not win, don't freak out at the author, freak out at George Washington- it is he who makes the descisions.
Reno: Allright, let's get this show on the road! It's time for Round 1!
ROUND 1- BARRET VS CID
Rude: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we've got a pretty nasty match for you.
Reno: No one in any Final Fantasy has ever been more foul-mouthed than our two contestants tonight. Both can weave strings of curses like an old lady can weave a rug.
Rude: What we're trying to say, folks, is basically... VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED!! The language in here is going to get downright NASTY.
Reno: If you squeal at the sound of bad language, cover your ears for tonight's show.
Rude: Whoa! Looks like they're coming into the ring!
First, Barret comes running down his aisle. All the Barret fans jump up and yell.
Barret: Yeah, that's what I'm talkin about!!
Barret bangs on his chest like a gorilla.
Cid comes running down the other aisle. All the Cid fans jump up and yell.
Cid: That's right, cheer! You all know I'm gonna kick that big bucket of lard all the way back to Corel!
Barret: I'll fill yer' butt so full of lead, you won't be able to kick nothin!
Reno: What the hell? That didn't sound like Barret...
Cid: Oh, yeah? You're full of poop. You wanna mess with me, fine, bring it on ya idiot!
Barret: Eat hot lead ya son of a gun!
Barret begins to fire his machine gun at Cid, but instead of bullets, flower petals come out.
Barret: Hey! What the poop is up with this?!
Cid: Ha! You stupid butthole! You ain't even smart enough to load yer own gun! Now I'm gonna beat the junk outa ya!
Cid pulls out his spear and charges. Barret is not nearly agile enough to jump out of the way, and the spear sinks into his chest. But it's got a rubber stopper and bounces off!
Cid: Hey! What the bananas is goin on! They put a howlin' rubber ball on my spear!
Barret: This don't make no sense. It's like they're tryin' ta floop over every violent thing we do or bad thing we say.
Cid: Yeah! Everybody else gets violent, gory matches, how come we don't get none of that kinda poop? It's blazin' unfair, that's what it is!
Barret: Come ta think o' it, every time I try to say something bad, it comes out really stupid soundin.
Cid: Yeah... I know what ya mean. I can't even say f... f... fffff.... uu...uuu...uuu.... p! P?! P?!!! What the heck is this! I mean... he... e... ck! Dang it! I mean...
Barret: Quit winin'! We're gonna have some blood & gore if it kills us, right?
Cid: Right!
Barret and Cid charge up one of the aisles.
Reno: What's this? They seem to have allied for some reason.
Rude: This is a very unusual match! They've been cencored so badly they can't even fight!
Reno: I think I see what they're doing now!
Barret and Cid come running back down the aisle, holding a struggling little man in a posh suit between them. They carry him into the center of the ring.
Barret: Okay, ya little fuck of a man, see if ya can friggin cencor us now!
Cid: Yeah, howdaya like this shit?
Cid sticks his spear through the man's back, sending drops of blood spurting all over the ring.
Rude: Now this is what the people came to see!
Cid raises his spear in the air, holding the man, who is having convulsions, like a shishcabob.
Barret: Cencor this, asswhipe!
Barret fires his machine gun into the man's legs and thighs.
Man: I was just {urk!} trying to protect {urk!} the little children!
Cid: Aww, ain't that cute?! He was tryin ta protect the little children!
Barret runs up to the cameras and sticks his face in them.
Barret: Hey kids! Go buy guns and shoot everyone at your school with them! Also smoke tons of weed and rape girls!
Barret runs back to the ring and laughs with Cid as they spin the cencorer around on the top of Cid's spear.
Final Fantasy Deathmatch Producer: Man, this is GREAT! We've never had such stellar ratings!
Final Fantasy Deathmatch Producer's Assistant: But, sir, don't you think we'll get bad reviews from the media if we're setting such a bad example?
FFDP: Good point. I better do something to make it look like we never intended for this to happen.
FFDPA: What?! You mean you INTENDED to have that man butchered?!
FFDP: Of course! That's what people come to see, isn't it?
FFDPA: That's disgusting!
FFDP: Oh, shuttup.
FFDP takes out a revolver and shoots FFDPA.
Back in the ring...
Reno: Barret and Cid seem to have totally forgotten the match was supposed to be between them, and the audience loves it! When will the killing end?
Reno and Rude duck as an arm goes flying over their heads.
Rude: This is getting serious...
Barret and Cid are still spinning the cencorer around on Cid's spear, then they finally realize that he has been dead for some time now.
Barret: That was awesome! We really showed that ass not to mess with us!
Cid: Yeah! We make one awesome team!
Barret: Yup!
Barret and Cid stand side by side, as allies, the audience cheers them on.
Suddenly, Barret puts his gatling gun up to Cid's temple and opens fire, blowing Cid's head of and sending chunks of it flying into the audience, where spectators grab chunks to sell on e-bay. Cid's body falls limply to the floor.
Barret jumps up and down in victory, and then runs out of the ring.
Rude: Wow, what a match! Just when it looked like they were friends, Barret pulled a fast one and won the match! Looks like he wins the honors of being the most foul-mouthed FF character ever!
Reno: Hey, it looks like the Final Fantasy Deathatch Producer is walking out into the ring to make an announcement.
FFDP: I would just like to take this moment to say, ladies and gentlemen, that the kind of gruesome violence you saw today was not supposed to happen. The poor cencoring man will be seriously missed around here, he was in no way intended to be brutally murdered in a way that would get more people to watch the show on TV. Final Fantasy Deathmatch cares more about the children than about getting good TV ratings. So, I just wanted you to know that we do not in any way support the things that Barret said to the kids on the show, even though we will make no effort to clear them up. Thank you and good night.
Just then, the Final Fantasy Deathmatch Producer's Assistant crawls up to the side of the ring, leaving a trail of blood in his wake, and holding a shotgun.
FFDPA: Diiiiiiiiiiieee BASTARD!!!
FFDPA blows the shit out of FFDP.
The crowds go wild with excitement.
Reno: This is possibly the most gruesome FF Deathmatch we've ever had!
Rude: Coming up next, it's a three-way battle between the three ladies men of FF, Edgar from FF6, Irvine from FF8, and Zidane from FF9! Whichever one of these three dashing men wins the fight will be declared the biggest casanova in Final Fantasy history. Don't go away!
ROUND 2- EDGAR VS IRVINE VS ZIDANE
Reno: Welcome back, dedicated FFD watchers! It's time for the exciting second round of tonight's show.
Rude: This time, we've got a three-way brawl to quench your thirst for blood between the three Final Fantasy women-chasers, Edgar of FF6, Irvine of FF8, and Zidane of FF9! Which one is the most seductive dream hunk? Let's put it to the test!
Reno: Looks like they're starting to come out now!
Edgar comes running down the first aisle. He jumps into the ring and blows a kiss to the ladies in the audience.
The ladies, all as one great organism, heave a gigantic, dreamy sigh.
Edgar: I dedicate this fight to all of you lovely ladies! I'll even give a few of you my autograph after the show!
The great organism sighs once again.
Rude: In recent years Edgar has had a wonderful time ruling Doma and taking advantage of the servant girls who wait on him. Many of them end up spending the night on "room-service" trips.
Irvine comes running down the other aisle. He jumps in the ring.
Irvine: I reckon y'all lovely ladies out there'll be rootin for me tonight.
Irvine tips his hat to the ladies and winks at them.
The organism now sighs for Irvine.
Reno: Irvine's no stranger to Final Fantasy Deathmatch. If you saw the last episode, you'll recall he unwittingly gave his girlfriend Selphie a hand against Yuffie from FF7, and ended up unwillingly becoming her husband. Now he's eager to get some action with these ladies for a much-needed break from the whiny wonder.
Rude: Both the aisles have been used now... so where's our third contestant?
Just then, Zidane comes swinging across the cieling on an extremely long chandelier and drops into the arena as it passes over!
Zidane: I'm a stud!
The organism sighs its loudest yet for the dramatic entrance.
Rude: Zidane appears to have made one of his famous amazing entrances and gained the support of the ladies in the crowd!
Edgar and Irvine both get livid with anger at Zidane's superior response.
Edgar: You little wimp! I'll show you who's the real stud around here!
Irvine: I reckon' I'll blow the flower away with mah here shotgun before you kin' do nothin about it.
Edgar takes out his chainsaw, and Irvine takes out his shotgun.
Edgar charges with the chainsaw. Irvine aims a shot. Zidane leaps into the air just as Irvine fires, and his show blows a hole in Edgar's chest.
Edgar: Ah! My beautiful six-pack! Die, cowboy!!!
Edgar takes out a bio-blaster and squirts toxic waste at Irvine. Irvine gasps as the acid washes over him.
Irvine: Smack me in the buttock and call me a hampster cage, it's burnin' like a love shack in hell!!!
Irvine runs around the arena, trying to shake the clinging, burning acid from his body.
Meanwhile, Zidane has snuck up behind Edgar and is about to leap on him with his couple of daggers outstretched, but Irvine smacks into him while charging in circles around the ring, and the goo from Edgar's bio blaster sticks them together, burning them both!
Edgar: Ha ha ha! Y'know what makes you two failures as ladies mans? Uh... mens... men... ladies men... ladies men. Y'know what makes you two failures as ladies men?! You both had only one girl you focused on throughout your whole FF! I flirt with every girl I meet! So ha!
The ladies are now all cheering for Edgar.
Zidane: Oh yeah?! Well Garnet's more gorgeous than any freak of those 2D freak shows you call women in FF6!!
Irvine: Yeah, well Selphie's a lot hotter'n that bitch! Umm... well, at least she's kind of... sort of... well fine! But I really liked Quistis more anyway! I was just scared of her whip, that's all!
Zidane: Psh! Knowing YOUR taste in women, you probably would have liked to fuck that slut Ultimecia!
Irvine: Oh yeah?! Well you probably fucked that big fat chef thing a couple times I'll bet! It was prettier than Garnet! Ha ha ha!
Zidane: Umm... Irvine... maybe we should try to unstick ourselves?
Irvine looks where Zidane is looking. Edgar is standing over them, his chainsaw spinning and held above his head.
Edgar: Heh heh... you both suck at picking up girls, you know.
Zidane: Ha! Then how come both Terra AND Celes rejected you!
Edgar: I was with both of them last night, actually.
Irvine: No way!
Edgar: Yes way! C'mon in ladies!
Terra and Celes come running in.
Terra: Go, honey!
Celes: You were amazing last night, honey!
Relm jumps up on their shoulders.
Relm: Yeah, honey! I loved it! It was such a new, exciting experience!
The audience gasps in disbelief and disgust.
Edgar: What the fuck?! She wasn't there! I swear! Get her out of here!
Terra and Celes toss Relm out of the arena.
Edgar: Now, I'm gonna grind you two like meat. Prepare to be butchered!
Edgar slashes at the Zidane/Irvine bundle again and again with his chainsaw, sending chunks of them spraying every which way, and eventually the arena is covered in the dust that was once two FF ladies mans... mens... men... once two FF ladies men.
Reno: Looks like Edgar really tore into Irvine and Zidane! It seems he's the ultimate FF ladies man.
Rude: Uh-oh... I think someone doesn't like what's been going on here...
Locke comes storming into the stadium, his face livid red. Edgar turns around to see him.
Locke: What's this about you and Celes last night?!
Edgar: Oh... hey, if it isn't Locke, my favorite thief! Wait... I mean-!
Locke: Your favorite WHAT?!! TREASURE HUNTER! TREASURE HUNTER TREASURE HUNTER TREASURE HUNTER!!
Locke takes out a wicked looking knife and charges at Edgar, who turns to flee. Locke chases him around the ring, a maniacal look in his eyes.
Reno: Well, I guess you can't win them all. Sooner or later, doing it with every girl you meet is going to get you into trouble.
Rude: Well, that concludes this round of Final Fantasy Deathmatch- but don't go away! Coming up next, it's the main event of the show- Cloud vs Squall!
MAIN EVENT- CLOUD VS SQUALL
Reno: And here we are again, ladies and gentlemen! This is the main event of tonight's FF Deathmatch, and it'll solve a burning question that's been bugging FF junkies for quite some time now.
Rude: FF7 and FF8 are considered by many to be the two greatest FFs ever- but whatever your opinions of them, they're the two sci-fi FFs and the eternal debate is which has a better hero. Some favor Cloud of FF7, while others favor Squall of FF8.
Reno: Both wield big-ass swords, wear dark outfits, and are tough mercenaries. We'll just have to find out who's tougher and who's sword is bigger tonight.
Rude: Looks like they're entering the ring!
Cloud comes running down aisle one, and all the Cloud fans jump up and yell and hoot and holler.
Cloud: Wait... maybe I'm just dreaming all this? What if I'm really Mickey Rooney, and this isn't actually happening?
Reno: Uh-oh, looks like Cloud's as indecisive about his identity as ever...
Squall comes running down the other aisle. All the Squall fans cheer loudly.
Squall: I don't care if you cheer for me! It doesn't matter to me! I don't rely on you guys!
Cloud: They're just trying to be nice!
Squall: I don't need niceness! I don't care!
Cloud: Yeah? Well then, howabout some MEANNESS?!
Cloud unsheathes his huge buster sword.
Rude: Yeesh... now that is one gigantic sword.
All the ladies in the crowd squeal at the sight of the giant sword, while the men in the crowd all wish they had swords like that.
Reno: Can Squall's puny gunblade compete?
Squall: My gunblade might not be as big as that buster sword, but I don't care! I don't need a big sword! My sword is a six shooter!
Squall unsheathes his gunblade, and everyone is wowed by the six ammo slots below the nozzle.
Especially loud lady in the crowd: I bet it'd hurt REALLY bad to get shot with a six-shooter like that!
All the other ladies in the crowd go wild.
Rude: Man, I sure wish I had a sword like one of these guys...
Reno: Yeah, the ladies seem to love them.
Cloud leaps forward.
Cloud: I'll attack first!
Squall: I don't care if you attack first!
Cloud leaps forward, his sword raised high in the air, and brings it crashing down on Squall's head. Only the flat side hits him, however, so he's just knocked down, not decapitated.
Squall: I don't CARE if you hit me in the head!
Squall jumps up and opens fire with his gunblade. Cloud ducks out of the way and the bullets wizz into the audience. People try to catch them to sell them on e-bay, but regret it.
Cloud: Man, you suck!
Cloud runs toward Squall, sword outstretched, ready to make shiscabob out of him. Squall counters by parrying with his gunblade. As the two swords clash, sparks fly. They smash into each other again and again, each warrior trying to find a way to penetrate the other's defenses.
Rude: This is getting really intense...
Finally, Squall makes an ingenious counter, and puts a huge gash in Cloud's leg with a slash from his gunblade. Cloud reels back, trying to hold both his sword and his leg at the same time.
Squall: Now I've got you right where I want you, spikey-ass!
Barret: Hey! That was my insult!
Squall: I figured I'd borrow it.
Barret: I'm gonna blow your fuckin' ass off after this match is over. First I wanna see spikey get his ass whupped.
Squall: Okay, spikey-ass! Prepare to meet my sword's ultimate fury!
Squall runs forward and chops off one of Cloud's arms with a strong slash from his sword. The arm goes flying off into the audience, where a lucky young man grabs it for his collection of Celebrity Body Parts.
Squall also fires a huge blast from his gunblade as he does the slash, sending Cloud's body against the ropes. He staggers to his feet, looking completely worn out.
Rude: It's beginning to look like Cloud's big sword just isn't big enough...
Reno: I don't know if he can win this one.
Cloud: I... I'm not Cloud... I must not be Cloud... Cloud would never lose to this guy... he beat Sephiroth... I must be Rufus Shinra.... yes, that's it. I must be a clone of Rufus Shinra. I hope Hojo will give me one of those sexy tatoos.
Rude: That's it... looks like Cloud has completely flipped his spikes.
Tifa comes running in.
Reno: What's this? The angel of FF7 is running in! What's she going to do?!
Tifa: Cloud! Remember our childhood memories! You're not a clone of Rufus! You're Cloud!
Cloud: Tifa?! Aargh... Tifa... Black Materia... Sephiroth... Rufus... Arlene... oooh, Arlene, oooh...
Tifa: Who's Arlene?!!
Cloud: Uhh... Tifa! Wait, I am Cloud! I can do this!
Squall: It's too late! Even a giant sword can't save you from my gunblade! There's no faster or stronger shot in the world!
Cloud: Oh, yeah? Well you haven't seen my sword's full power yet! OMNISLASH!!
Cloud swings his sword with renued fury, smashing Cloud with it again and again. Green energy flies everywhere with each hit, as do Squall's vital organs. When it's over, he is a pile of bloody mush on the ground with green residue leftover from the Omnislash. Cloud tucks his sword away and runs to Tifa.
Cloud: Tifa! Thanks for helping me back there! I'd be lost without your babysitting!
Cloud leans in for a kiss.
Tifa slaps Cloud across the face.
Tifa: Who the hell is this Arlene you were talking about?! You never told me about an Arlene!
Cloud: Arlene? How do you know... I mean, uh, what are you-
Tifa punches Cloud over the ropes and back into the ring, then storms out of the amphitheatre. She proceeds to fall madly in love with the author of this fanfic and they run off and get married, but that's a different story, one that would be rated NC-17, and I don't do those kinds of fanfics.
Rude: Well, it appears that Cloud gained the title of best sci-fi FF hero, but lost the girl. Which one is more important, I wonder?
Reno: Actually, I don't think Cloud is going to care much about losing Tifa... with a sword like that, he'll be having plenty of attention from ladies in the future.
The ladies are all crowding around Cloud now.
Lady: Oh, Cloud, show us that sword again!
Other lady: Yes, Cloud, I want you to Omnislash ME!
Another lady: Ooh, me too! Omnislash me!
Cloud: Whoa, whoa, calm down ladies! I promise that as soon as we get out of this stadium, and I get a new arm, I'm omnislash all of you at the same time!
All the ladies cheer.
Rude: So there you have it! That concludes Final Fantasy Deathmatch for tonight. We'll see you next time, when more Final Fantasy grudge matches will be resolved, more blood will fly, and hopefully we won't have anymore sword competitions. Final Fantasy Deathmatch is sponsored by Mud. Remember, when you're in a jam, Mud wants some business. Thanks for watching everyone!
As the credits are rolling, a man in a posh suit jumps on the screen.
Man in posh suit: Hello! I'm a man in a posh suit. I'm from Mud. Mud is a company devoted to getting lots of business and making lots of money. We don't really try to do our job well, and we don't really care much about our customers, but we do like to get their money. So remember, when you're in a jam, Mud wants some business. Now, I'm here to talk about a special offer that Mud is offering to you, the viewers of Final Fantasy Deathmatch, and only you, and those on Fanfiction.net, too! You lucky dogs, you! Here's the deal: The next episode of Final Fantasy Deathmatch will involve these fights:
Round 1: Quinna of FF9 vs Cait Sith of FF7- Who's the superior big white blob?
Round 2: Rydia of FF4 vs Eiko of FF9- Who's the greater wimpy little girl summoner?
Main Event: Celes of FF6 vs Beatrix of FF9- Who's the greater general?
Well, here's how it works. In a review of Final Fantasy Deathmatch- Episode 2, please make one bet on the victor of each match for Episode 3. Bets will no longer be accepted after Final Fantasy Deathmatch- Episode 3 has been put up on Fanfiction.net. After all bets are placed, you will recieve one point for every correct prediction. Whoever has the most points will be declared the winner! Ties will be resolved by a fair means such as coin toss, die roll, or something along those lines. When you win, you will be contacted by Tifa's Knight, author of the Final Fantasy Deathmatch fics, and given your prize!
So what is the prize, you ask? The prize is this: You, yes you, will get to decide who will be matched up in the main event of Final Fantasy Deathmatch: Episode 4! That's right, the power will be in your hands to have any two FF characters you want compete for glory. The only condition is that you can't do repeat matches (for example you would not be able to choose Cloud vs Squall because it was already done in this episode). So, if you have a specific match you'd like to see, please place your bets, and may the best better win! Thank you!