Prologue I: Nightmares
It was painfully bright.
Yui flinched as she tried to adjust to the light in the room. Rapidly blinking, she caught sight of the heart monitor perched beside her, the IV in her hand, and her mother at the far end of the room.
As her sight adjusted, she started to catch snippets of a conversation.
"This is the third time, Mrs. Hongo."
"I know. It's getting worse, isn't it?"
That was her mother's voice.
"Has she confided in you at all?"
The doctor's voice, Yui presumed.
"No. I don't know how to get her to talk to me."
Yui cringed at how distraught her mother's voice sounded.
It had been five months since the final battle between Nakago and Tamahome, since Miaka had summoned Suzaku, since she had finally been saved. At first she had been so remorseful for everything that had occurred, but soon after, the nightmares and insomnia started. Yui's nights were spent either begging for sleep or screaming to escape the horrific visions that plagued her dreams. It had gotten to the point where she had begun to force herself to stay awake until she finally had to sleep and prayed that she'd be too exhausted to dream.
But two hours or less of sleep was taking its toll on the girl. She was pushing so hard that her body was just giving up on her.
And now she had landed herself into the hospital again, the third time in five short months.
Nothing seemed to bring solace the former miko. Her dreams were plagued with visions of war and death, and her own terrible actions. Every night, she'd wake up, terrified to fall back asleep and yet too tired to stay awake.
Yui's best friend, Miaka had tried to visit the girl. But the damage done to their friendship during the months in the Book had created a void between the girls that they didn't know how to bridge. Yui missed Miaka as much as Miaka missed her, but the guilt that plagued Yui nightly wouldn't let her seek comfort from her friend during the day.
The rebirth of Miaka's beloved also widened the void between the girls. Yui was truly overjoyed for her friend, but she feared Tamahome, or rather Taka's judgment and stayed away. The sad part was, though, that Taka desperately wanted to be friends with his beloved's best friend, but couldn't since Yui was so diligent in avoiding him.
"Have you considered psychiatric help?"
The doctor's voice broke Yui's reverie and brought her back to the hospital room.
Yui's mother stared at the doctor in surprise. Psychiatric help wasn't something she had even considered for her daughter. Perhaps she was old-fashioned, but she couldn't stomach the thought of sending her child to a shrink.
The doctor seemed to sense her reluctance and smiled softly.
"I don't mean an asylum or even medication. For some people, yes, that is the only cure, but I honestly think what Yui needs is to talk to someone. She's bottling up something inside of her and it's eating at her," he said emotionally. "I think if she was able to open up to someone, she could deal with whatever it is in a healthier way, rather than letting it fester as she is now."
Mrs. Hongo nodded. "I suppose."
The doctor smiled as he pulled out a card from his coat pocket. "I have a friend who specializes in behavioral therapy. He works with a lot of traumatized patients who have a hard time speaking to anyone else."
"Are the conversations with him confidential?" Yui asked suddenly.
Both her mother and doctor spun to face her. Her mother immediately rushed to her side and began to hover over her, pressing her hand against Yui's forehead and squeezing Yui's hand tightly in her own.
The doctor walked behind the elder woman, before facing the pale girl in the bed.
"Are the conversations with him confidential?" Yui repeated.
"Yes they are. He's bound by doctor-patient confidentiality like any other doctor," he explained. "However, if he feels that your life is at risk, either by your hand or someone else's, he can and will break it."
Yui nodded and then turned to her mother. Attempting to smile, Yui squeezed her mother's hand tightly.
"I'll talk to him, Mama."
Mrs. Hongo brushed her daughter's pale hair away from her forehead.
"Are you sure, sweetie?"
"Yes Mama. I want to."
"Okay," the woman answered with a smile as she drew her daughter into her arms. "I'll make an appointment immediately."
Yui shut the door behind her carefully as to not let it bang shut.
"Hello Yui."
The girl turned and bowed with a smile at the elderly man sitting on the corner of his desk.
"Hello Dr. Matsui."
The man smiled as he stretched a hand, indicating the girl to take a seat on the comfy chair by his desk.
"How are you feeling today?"
Yui looked straight at the elderly man. It was their third meeting and he had asked her the same question at the start of the previous two visits. This time, though, the girl chose to stare at the man, searching perhaps for strength that she needed him to have in order to accept his help.
"I'm tired," the girl finally answered, the first truly honest answer she had ever given him.
She waited for him to comment, and when he didn't, she continued.
"I'm worried about term-end exams and whether or not I can score high enough to take the courses I want for next year. I can't…" Her voice wavered for a moment, as the flashes from her dreams replayed before her eyes again. She felt the air leave her lungs abruptly as she remembered the dying faces of the soldiers from her latest night terror. The blood on the boy's face, not much older than herself, the lost glassy glaze in his sightless eyes, his hand still tightly clutching the heirloom sword by his side.
Yui clenched her hands tightly, willing herself to overcome her fears. "I can't concentrate on my studies," she finally finished. "It's like I can't shut my brain off."
"Have you thought about meditation?"
Yui nearly jumped at the doctor's voice and looked up at him.
"Meditation? Like chanting and communing with kami?" she asked, skeptically.
He smiled indulgently. "Well, that's one form. However, I was thinking something more along the lines of progressive muscle relaxation or diaphragmatic breathing. Progressive muscle relaxation is a very slow, controlled stretching and relaxing of each muscle of your body individually. While focusing so deeply on just your muscles, it gives your brain time to shut off and rest. Diaphragmatic breathing, on the other hand, helps if you're having a hard time drawing in air. You'd be taught how to breathe by relaxing and contracting your diaphragm instead of your chest, which will result in deeper, freer breaths. It helps when you feel like you're panicking to calm you down slowly without trigging hyperventilation. It also can help you calm down before sleeping."
Yui listened carefully as the man explained the theories behind both forms.
"Are they difficult to learn?"
To her surprise, he laughed. "Not at all. In fact, why don't we spend a few minutes right now on diaphragmatic breathing? Progressive muscle relaxation is a bit more complex and would end up taking the entire session."
"Okay," the girl agreed.
"Good, now close your eyes," the man commanded. "Relax your shoulders and stomach. You can even slouch a little in your seat," he added with a chuckle. "Now breathe in deeply. Imagine your lungs expanding all the way down to your toes and now exhale slowly. You can either exhale through your mouth or nose, which feels more comfortable to you."
Yui closed her eyes as the doctor commanded and tried her best to follow his directions. It was confusing at first, the feeling of pulling her stomach down while letting her shoulders slouch was the opposite of what she'd always been taught as a child; to sit up straight and hold her stomach in tightly.
As he commanded, Yui began to slowly breathe in and then out, using her lips to control the flow of air as she exhaled. She felt a bit silly, but to her surprise after a few minutes, she began to feel calm and centered. Opening her eyes, the girl smiled at the doctor.
"So how did that feel?" he asked with a warm smile.
Yui couldn't help the bubble of laughter that spread throughout her.
"I think I like it."
Yui shut the light of her desk and walked over to her bed.
After coming home from the therapy session today, she had attempted to do some cram school homework. To the girl's surprise, she had been able to complete not only the assignment for today, but also the assignment for the next day.
Sighing, she laid back and closed her eyes, trying to remember the instructions Dr. Matsui had given her about breathing. Carefully she began to breathe in and out, counting in French. Slowly, but surely, the girl fell asleep.
It had to be a dream. After all, Yui knew she only visited the capital of Kutou in her nightmares.
She was standing before a mirror, dressed in the priestess robes. Behind her, she could see Nakago's triumphant face, Soi's silent face, and Amiboshi's guilt-ridden face.
Her vision caught Amiboshi's eyes for one moment before the world tilted on its axis and she instead found herself back on the battle field where Kutou's troops had lead the invasion in Konan. She could hear the screams of the villagers, trying to escape as the soldiers ruthlessly cut down anything in their path. Tears streaked down Yui's face as she watched them light a stable on fire, the family caught inside doomed to die. Behind her, she could hear the cries of rage as soldiers from Konan began to break through the lines of their adversary.
Yui turned catching a flash of red in the corner of her eye and gasped in horror at what she was about to relive.
Her eyes focused on the enraged faces of the Suzaku Seishi as they raced to confront her Seishi. Yui stood, unable to even blink as Hotohori screamed and threw his blade at Nakago. She screamed out as she watched it enter Soi's back again, as the woman fell into Nakago's arms.
In that one moment, the woman's eyes locked on her and all Yui could do was stare into the grief of her Seishi's gaze.
"I'm sorry! Oh gods, I'm so sorry!" Gasping, Yui tried to pull herself away from the images before her. Gripping her sides, she kneeled on the bloody ground and tried to ignore the screams of death around her.
"Breathe in, all the way to your toes and breathe out," the girl recited again and again, trying to stop her tears. She shook terribly and yet, kept counting slowly.
To her surprise, a warm hand suddenly wiped the tears from her cheeks and then a warm pair of lips kissed her on the forehead.
"Sleep dearest, for I will guard your dreams from this moment on," was whispered in her ears and she knew no more.
"Yui, can you set the table?"
Yui looked up from her work and smiled at her mother. Ever since starting the therapy sessions with Dr. Matsui, Yui's mother had been constantly and staunchly supportive. The girl couldn't explain how grateful she felt for her mother's presence the past couple weeks.
Suddenly, Yui gasped as she remembered what day it was.
"Yui, is something wrong?" her mother asked, concerned.
"No Mama, I just forgot. I invited Miaka to lunch with us today and then to stay the night. Is that okay?"
Mrs. Hongo chuckled fondly at her daughter.
"Yes, her mother called about twenty minutes ago to say that she was sending some homemade wagashi along with Miaka."
Behind them, the doorbell rang as a sunny voice called out a greeting.
Mrs. Hongo smiled at Yui.
"I think that's our guest," she commented, nodding at her daughter to get the door.
She couldn't help but delight in the smile her daughter threw at her before she walked away.
Miaka sat down on Yui's bed and studied her best friend.
The other girl seemed to be healthier than before. She, of course, had heard about the therapy that Yui was getting and had been somewhat skeptical, especially considering the nature of what really happened to them both.
In truth, Miaka was both surprised and grateful to see the color back in her friend's face. She had been angry at first with Yui, but had gradually, with Taka's help, seen that her friend had been a victim of circumstances. Therefore, when she had tried to reach out to Yui and been rebuffed, Miaka admittedly hadn't taken it very well.
But now, her friend looked alive again, and Miaka couldn't be happier.
"So what classes did you sign up for in the new term?" she asked.
Yui blushed.
"I decided that I'm not going to head in a medicine field."
That shocked Miaka. Yui had planned on going into medicine ever since they had met each other in grade school.
"But Yui, what about being a doctor? I thought you wanted to join your father's practice."
Yui sat down in front of Miaka.
"I wanted to join the practice to make Papa proud, but now I want to do something that makes me proud. So I think I'm going to go into law. I'd like to help bring justice into the lives of those who deserve it."
Miaka looked at Yui for a moment and then smiled.
"Well I think you'll be an amazing barrister. And hopefully, you'll be there to help me set up my own little bistro someday."
Yui laughed.
"So you're heading the food and hospitality route?" she asked.
"Nope. I'm going to go into culinary arts. I think I want to be a chef," Miaka answered just as candidly as her friend did before.
Yui smiled.
"I think you'll like that. It's right up your alley, anyway," she teased with a grin.
Miaka gasped in mock-horror and smacked her friend with a pillow.
"Take that back, you tasteless fiend!"
Yui laughed dodging.
"Never! I will defend the throne of academia against daydreaming underachievers like you!"
The girls laughed as they danced around Yui's furniture as if they were little girls again, dodging each other's pillow projectiles and tackles. Their laughter echoed throughout the house, bringing a smile to both of Yui's parents as they sat, drinking their evening tea.
After a stunning tackle from Miaka had ended their pillow fight, both girls had calmed down to enjoy a late night snack of warm milk and wagashi.
Laying her head down next to Miaka's, Yui smiled as she caught sight of a feather in her best friend's hair.
"We should do this more often," she whispered.
Miaka smiled back.
"Definitely. Good night Yui."
"Good night."
As she drifted off into sleep, Yui recalled that she had forgotten to ask about Taka, but as warm arms surrounded her, she let it go and settled into the warm of her nightly dream protector.
"Good night dearest," was the last thing she heard that night, the same as every night since that first one weeks ago.
Notes on the text:
Wagashi is a traditional confectionary served with tea in Japan. It's usually made of mochi and other plant based ingredients. Typically, wagashi is considered separate from Okinawan and foreign confectionaries.
(A/N): Well damn. That is certainly longer than I was expecting it to be.
Anyway, welcome to the new version of To Live Again and Fight Together. I hope you've enjoyed this surprisingly long prologue and are interesting in reading the rest.
I started fiddling with the idea to write this story around the same time I started to write Snowflakes. The biggest reason I wanted to re-write this was because of the numerous plot holes, haphazardly attached transitions, and the constant swing between drama, action, and comedy. Honestly, I felt like the story was getting lost in my need to bring out each and every character, and because of that, I had lost sight of the plot and the point of the story.
To be frank, I felt like my writing style changed so much and I matured so much past it, that I couldn't stand all the issues with the old version. I especially wanted the plot of To Live Again and Fight Together to stand out from True Blue, which is my other Yui centric story.
So I've started from scratch. Rather than re-vamping each chapter, I'm just writing brand new ones. This time around, I've written a detailed timeline with what I want to accomplish along with character descriptions so I know exactly where I want to go with the story. Don't worry, if you've read the old one, I'm definitely keeping a great deal of the ideas from the first version, but making it all into a cohesive story, rather than a jumble of chapters.
Hopefully, you'll enjoy this newly improved story just as much as the old one.
Let me know what you think!
Fushigi Yuugi belongs to Yuu Watase and Shogakukan Inc.