The guards came to Jesus and made a thorny crown from branches and put it, and a purple robe on him. They then said, "Hey! You! King of The Jews!"
Jesus replied by saying "Oh, Father, these men know not what they do. Lets kick some arse!"
Suddenly, the nails sprang from Jesus' hand, killing Judas and Pontius Pilate. Jesus leapt onto a guard and ripped his skull off, while feeding on his rich, neck juices, before knocking the surrounding crowd unconcious with his gigantic testicles.
"Look out Jesus," Mary Magdelane shouted as she pointed behind him. "Zombies want to eat your flesh and drink your blood in a non-metaphoricle way!
Jesus picked up a conveniently placed Isreali flag and charged at the undead horde, impaling them bloodily AND mixing peanuts and chocolate at THE SAME TIME!
"Oh Jesus" Mary Magdelane squealed as she ran to the top of the pile of fallen Romans and zombies.
"Make love to me!"
And he did. Cause it's my story. But he wore a condom. So suck on that Dan Brown.