When Hollywood Scientists Boldly Flee
In a dark, damp prison cell, two women were waiting.
The thinner, more babe-alicious one was searching every inch of the cell, tapping on the walls and looking in the corners. "Well, I think that went very well!" she said cheerfully, as she examined a piece of rock she found.
Her companion, a more frumpy-looking person, was sitting on the floor, her head in her hands. "I hate you so much," she growled.
Many Hours Earlier, in Arizona
Prick's spineless assistant actually was stupid enough to pull the plug, causing Spoony to go nuclear. Everyone wound up huddled together, trying to use each other as shields, as the reviewer's eyes snapped open. They had an inhuman glow to them, which he would probably want to see an optician about later. As everyone shoved Prick front and center as their primary human shield, and as Dr. Block opened an umbrella to protect from any potential grey matter splatterings, Spoony began to convulse. His head flew back and a blinding beam of light shot from his mouth. There was a crash and the sound of coughing as dust and debris filled the air. When everyone's vision was clear, they saw chips of plaster littering a room that was suddenly a lot brighter. The light beam had blown a hole clean through the ceiling.
When everything finally settled down, there was a moment of absolute silence, as everyone stood staring at what just happened. And then, Dr. Tease pulled a notebook out of her lab coat and began scribbling away.
"Fascinating!" she said. "The anomalies! The outburst of pure energy! The way he channeled it all! Dr. Block, fire up the scanner! We need to get readings! Do you think we could try to replicate it right away, or should we give him an hour to cool down?"
"Neither," said Prick. He seemed embarrassed at showing fear over what just happened, and apparently wanted to make it up by regaining control of the situation as quickly as possible. "Both of you ladies are going to be taken into federal custody. All of your equipment is going to be seized and cataloged by the United States government, and if you never set foot in another laboratory for as long as you both live, it will be too soon."
Unfortunately, the good doctors weren't going to make his regaining control of the situation an easy task. Or the good doctor who had a grasp on reality, at least.
"Excuse me?" asked Dr. Block, swelling with fury. "Excuse me? Steal my equipment, will you?"
"Madame, I think it's safe to say that what you have here is most likely illegally obtained, and definitely built for unethical use."
"Certainly not!" Block replied. "I always follow the scientific method and respect all rules of the scientific community. Now she is blatantly guilty of everything you just accused me of," she said, nodding towards Dr. Tease (who was now wondering aloud if it would be possible to take samples of Spoony's brain tissue while he was unconscious). "Arrest her, if you want. I'll help you handcuff her. But you will most certainly not make baseless accusations about my work, nor will you arrest me!"
"Dr. Block, do you think you can help me take off the subject's pants?" asked Dr. Tease. "I want to check some readings, but it's kind of hard when he's uncon -"
"Will you shut up?" snapped Dr. Block. "We're going to be arrested, if you don't stop yammering! Can you focus on the problem at hand, please?"
"This is pointless," said Prick. He gestured to the room in general. "You are all being taken into federal custody, right now!"
"Even me, sir?" asked the spineless assistant.
"Of course not you, you dolt! Everyone else is going into federal custody!"
"What?" cried Luke
"What the hell, man?" Bennett protested. "We were just standing here!"
"Yes," said Prick, "But you three are all of that vile internet critic breed, are you not? I think that under our new SUCKA law, there is the grounds to arrest you."
"You're going to arrest us for breaking a law that wasn't passed yet?" asked Cinema Snob.
Before Prick could come up with an answer to that one, Dr. Tease reached over and grabbed the umbrella in Dr. Block's hands. Without even trying to pull it free of her colleague's grasp, she shoved it under Prick's chin and pushed the button at the handle.
"JESUS HAROLD CHRIST!" screamed Prick, as the umbrella sprang open in his face.
"Time to go," said Dr. Tease, running for the door.
"I...you...gah!" snarled Dr. Block. She was still plenty pragmatic though, and seized what looked to be her only chance at escape.
"Someone stop them!" they heard Prick scream from behind them, as they ran for the staircase.
The last thing they heard from the room was Cinema Snob's deadpan "Don't move, or I'll shoot."
"Sweet freedom!" crowed Dr. Tease, as they hit the sidewalk. "There, was that so bad?"
"No, no, keep moving, you moron," said Dr. Block, urging Tease to continue down the road. "You think they'll stop chasing us just because we're not in the room? Dear God, how an idiot like you became a scientist is beyond me!"
"Hey," said Dr. Tease, showing no signs of listening to Block's ranting. "Hey, do you hear sirens?"
"...Crap."
The two women made it all of three blocks before they were caught by the police.
"Ladies, freeze!" the officer who caught up to them ordered. He caught both of them in a pretty strong grip, so it seemed unlikely that they would be going anywhere, anyway. "Are you Doctors Coquette Tease and Cochram Block?"
"Well, I suppose that depends on who wants us," said Dr. Tease. "Are you with the Russian government? Because I promise, I'll have that device ready by -"
"Officer, is there some kind of problem?" asked Dr. Block, stomping on Dr. Tease's foot.
"You're wanted for questioning about an explosion in an apartment building several blocks back," said the officer. "We're just going to take you into police custody, where you can answer a few questions. From there, we'll -"
Unfortunately, he never got to say what they'd do from there. Dr. Tease gave a roundhouse kick to his head, and the blow caused him to lose his grip on the scientists.
"What. The. Hell?" gasped Dr. Block.
"Oh, I had convenient martial arts training, which only shows up when we're in need of deus ex machina," said Dr. Tease. "Most babe scientists know it."
"No! You just knocked out a police officer!"
"Well, you hit a federal agent with that umbrella!"
Dr. Block sputtered. "You did that!"
"The umbrella was in your hands, don't try to shift responsibility."
On the sidewalk, the police officer groaned and began to sit up.
"Oh, let me take care of that!" said Dr. Tease, cheerfully. Before Dr. Block could protest, she pulled his gun from his belt and cracked him over the head with it. "There we go!" she said, as he fell like a sack of bricks. "That should keep him quiet for an hour or so!"
"You - do you have any idea what you've done?" gasped Dr. Block. "What you could have done? Or might have done? Do you have any idea how damaging head injuries can be?"
"He's fine," said Dr. Tease. "He's just taking a nap, and naps are always nice."
"Not if you're in a coma, you fool!"
"Look over there," said Tease, ignoring Block. "The cop car this fellow came in should be empty. Let's use that to get out of here more quickly."
"Brilliant," said Dr. Block, following Dr. Tease. "That's just what this day needs. Assaulting a federal officer, assaulting a police officer, and now we're going to steal a police car. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
While Block had been thinking murderous thoughts, Tease had discovered that the cop's partner was still in the car. Unfazed, she had pointed the cop's gun at the partner. Upon hearing Block's protests, she raised her eyebrows. "I should think it's obvious. He gets out of the car, and he doesn't get shot. There now," she added, as the partner did what she asked, and while Dr. Block tried to calm herself to avoid a heart attack. "See? Worked out perfectly."
"We are going to Hell," muttered Block, as she ducked into the car. "No, I'm in Hell. I'm in Hell, and you, Dr. Tease, are Satan in a lab coat and with breasts. Instead of a pitchfork, you have...you are seriously not driving, are you?"
"Why not?" asked Tease, settling behind the wheel. "I can drive just as well as I can create science."
"I'm not going to survive this."
After some fiddling around, Dr. Block figured out how to tune the radio so that they could hear the police reports being broadcasted. It was actually Dr. Tease's idea, but Dr. Block didn't care let her work on it. Tease's driving was haphazard enough when both hands were on the steering wheel. The last thing they needed was to draw attention to themselves by driving down the sidewalk.
At last, they were able to figure out what was going on. And it had gotten worse.
"Suspects are armed and considered extremely dangerous. They are wanted for the assault of an officer and the threatening of another, as well as the theft of an officer's firearm and car. Police are setting up blockades, in the hopes of detaining suspects and getting them into custody -"
"How odd," said Dr. Tease, as Dr. Block turned down the radio. "First that federal agent wanted to take us into custody, and now these police officers want to take us into custody as well. What sort of 'custody' is this, do you suppose? I'm very fond of vanilla, personally."
"Can you shut up and focus?" snapped Dr. Block. "If we want any chance of escaping, we need to disguise ourselves and ditch this car, and we need to do so immediately."
"Alright, cool your transmographer," replied Tease, as she pulled off down a side road. "I know just the place to deal with this all."
"I swear on all that is holy, if you're planning to build a bomb out of things you plan to shoplift from Radioshack…"
"Fine, fine," huffed Dr. Tease, pulling off down another street. "I have another plan."
"Joy." Dr. Block rolled her eyes.
Dr. Tease drifted the car over until it was half on the sidewalk, with the bumper nestled gently against a fire hydrant. She smiled serenely as she and Block exited the car. It was her best parallel parking job she'd done to date.
"In here," she said, heading over to a rundown theater.
"Excuse me?"
"When this place was foreclosed, they left all sorts of wonderful costumes in here! We can easily find something to disguise ourselves."
"How do you know this?" asked Dr. Block, following Tease inside.
Tease muttered something about childhood dreams of being an explorer and having no money for a prom dress in high school, but said nothing else. She led Dr. Block under the rickety stage, where they found the dressing rooms that were, in fact, still stocked with moth-eaten outfits.
"Well, the least-damaged of these should suffice" said Block. "Oh no," she added, as Dr. Tease began to shift through piles of clothes. "I'll pick. You've caused enough trouble for one day, and the last thing we need is to be wandering around in something ridiculous and noticeable."
"Now you really can't blame this one on me," said Dr. Tease, as the strange pair hurried down the street. "It was your -"
"I know that!" snapped Dr. Block, waving her arms in frustration. "Don't remind me!"
In her desire to escape the police and keep Tease from causing further damage, Block had simply grabbed the first two costumes she laid her hands on, that were also in decent condition. They fit the scientists well enough, and were light and breezy to boot. It was not until they had crept out of the theater and got a good look at themselves in the daylight did Block's mistake become clear.
"I like them," said Dr. Tease, admiring her reflection in a window, as they hurried by. "They flatter my figure. They even flatter yours, Block, and heavens knows that's not easy to do!"
"Please stop talking."
"And they aren't very constricting at all, which is more than you can say for a lot of women's clothing."
"Be quiet!"
"And in any case," Tease finished, "It's not as if most people would suspect a couple of nuns as being wanted by the police."
Block had to admit she had a point with that last one. Still, she felt incredibly stupid. Of all the costumes she could have grabbed, she just had to snag two habits! "Right," she said, trying not to feel like a penguin, as she ran down the street. "We need to move fast. Do you see anything inconspicuous? Something we can use for a getaway vehicle, which will put us under the radar?"
"Ohhhhh, I do!" chirped Dr. Tease, grabbing Dr. Block by the arm. "Hurry, or one of those little brats will get it before we do!"
"Little brats?" asked Dr. Block. "What are you talking about? What vehicle are you possibly thinking of? The only thing around is that ice cream...truck...oh no...no, no, no..."
"It's perfect!" squeed Dr. Tease, not noticing her colleague trailing off in horror. "Let's go!"
They headed for the ice cream truck, one at a brisk trot and the other staggering in stunned horror. The last of the children were leaving, so they were able to get to the service window quickly.
"Hello there," the very harassed-looking ice cream vendor said. "What can I get for you, Ma'ams?"
"Oh, just a Choco-pop for me, please," said Dr. Block, as Dr. Tease opened her mouth.
"Certainly," said the vendor, pulling out the requested ice cream. "That'll be a dollar fifty, Ma'am."
"Great," said Dr. Block. Her voice was surprisingly level, all things considered. Dr. Tease stared at her, seriously wondering if she'd gone off the deep end, at long last. "I hope you don't mind that it's all in quarters," Dr. Block continued, laying the money on the window's ledge.
"Not at all," said the vendor, looking stressed. "Let me give this a quick count-see."
He hadn't even scooped the quarters off the ledge when Dr. Block socked him in the face.
"Dear me!" cried Dr. Tease, as the vendor went down for the count.
"Help me get him out of the truck," growled Dr. Block, throwing open the door.
"I must admit," said Dr. Tease, grabbing the vendor by the arm and dragging him out, "You were very...innovative there."
Dr. Block snorted and climbed into the driver's seat. "Clearly this is all some horrible dream I'm having, most likely after you slipped LSD in my coffee again. As long as I'm stuck in a nightmare, I might as well enjoy things."
"Right. Where are we going from here?" asked Dr. Tease, jumping into the passenger seat.
"After all of this? Our best hope is to make a run for the border." Block started the engine and savagely took a bite of her Choco-pop. "I hear Tijuana is lovely, this time of year."
Dr. Tease helped herself to a Choco-pop of her own. "You know I haven't spiked your drinks since that incident in Chicago, right?"
"Well, this nightmare would be your own creation. Of course you would say that."
In hindsight (and, for anyone with a functioning brain, foresight), it really wasn't the best plan ever. Upon reaching the wall built across the Mexico-US border, Dr. Tease simply revved up the ice cream truck, turned on the music, and went full speed ahead. She was aided by Dr. Block (who clearly snapped after the day's activities), who whooped and threw ice cream sandwiches at the border guards.
Unfortunately, in her exuberance, Dr. Tease hit a pothole, which she swore wasn't there a second ago. She and Dr. Block attempted to flee on foot, a task which was made more difficult than usual by the habits they were still in.
Within minutes, they were chased down, handcuffed, and ignoring Tease's demands to be read her Miranda Rights.
The pair were kept in a small prison in Mexico for a while, after that. They were very nearly returned to the United States for detaining, however it was discovered that both of the scientists were characters in an online show. Because of this, they were instead transferred to the Internet State Penitentiary, where they were kept until the Right and Honorable Judge Bhargav could find time in his schedule to have a trial for them.
"Well, I think that went very well!" said Dr. Tease, examining a piece of rock she found. If only she had the proper instruments, she could accurate analyze the mineral composition of it and construct a homemade bomb, to spring them from the cell.
"I hate you so much," growled Dr. Block. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Collecting samples."
"Oh no you don't! The last time you 'collected samples', you nearly blew up a space satellite. Sit down and behave. If we're very lucky, we might just get off with only having to review The Core."
Dr. Tease huffed, but sat down next to her cellmate. "What do you suppose happened to Spoony?" she asked, scratching her chin. "Those really were some EEP readings he had there. Really sex - I mean interesting. They were really interesting."
"Assuming he's not braindead? Lord only knows. He and the other three are probably in cells in Washington D.C."
Dr. Tease sighed. She really wanted to make that escape bomb. She was sure she could eyeball the mineral composition on her own, but she decided that it was best not to test Dr. Block's patience. Not while her fingers were twitching like that.
Oh well. She still took comfort in the thought that wherever they were, those internet reviewers weren't having more fun than she was.
A/N - Yes, I did this instead of updating one of my other fics. What of it? This had to be done.
Hope you all enjoyed, and please R&R!