Welcome to the random tidbits of insanity that I do enjoy imagining...

A random list of drabbles I will begin.

Do not own HP If i did, shit would be very wrong.

"What the fuck do you mean 'you can't use your wand as a source for the power necessary to do what you are asking me to do'?"

The old man in front of him began to give little ol' Harry the ickle eye. "Forgive me Harry, but I do not think it wise for you to use your wand to create a chainsaw of pure magical form to kill any human being."

"Well fuck that, this bitch here…" He points to the man in the death eater garb laying on the ground, "needs to be separated from his head so that I know he can't get the fuck up again!"

"Look Harry, I understand your angry, but please see reason…" Albus Dumbledore was cut off at the sound of the 'magical chainsaw'.

"HAHAHHAHAH DIE YOU LIMP DICK SNAKE LOVING CUM GUZZLER!" Gore and profound blood loss added to the already fucked up scene before them. "AHAHAHAHA!"

"Harry…"

"YOU COCK SUCKING GOAT FUCKER!"

"Harry…?"

"YOUR MOTHER USED YOUR COCK AS A TOOTH PICK YOU FINGER FUCKING ASS WIPE!"

"Harry!"

"BAHAHAHAHAHHA SUCK ON THIS BITCH!"

"HARRY!"

"HAHAHA DIEEEEE YOU ASPHIXIATED BONDAGE FREAK!"

"I do believe that made no sense…"

"HA AND STAY DOWN!"

The Death Eater before them lay motionless. Headless. As well as missing all his other appendages. Dumbledore stared at the body before him in silent pity. "That was extremely unnecessary Harry."

Said boy was walking away from the scene with a joyous smile on his face. His clothes, once pristine white, were now soaked in blood, brains, and other worldly matters. "Yeah yeah shove your wise words down your throat old man."

"It seems that I have failed you." Albus Dumbledore looked down in what looked like shame.

"Shut the fuck up?" Harry Potter, the boy who lived, was a lively fellow who enjoyed living life to the fullest. His parents died a longggg time ago at the hands of a great man named Voldemort. He was then given to some relatives, who were decidedly ridiculously vulgar and obese. These obese and vulgar relatives hurt poor little ol' Harry Potter, forcing him to shove PVC pipes down their throats at the age of eight. When Dumbledore rang the doorbell the next day, telling Harry that he was a wizard, the boy cried 'accidental magic!', but it was quite odd to the old man how there wasn't a trace of magic anywhere near the dead bodies. This left him wondering just how an eight year old managed to use a PVC pipe to enter the esophagus and exit the rectum.

After the incident of 'accidental murder', Harry James Potter moved in with another lively fellow by the name of Alastor Moody! Alastor Moody was, like Harry, a lively fellow with a need for violence. So he passed down all his good traits to the young boy before him for three years. Three years. Three years. Three years. That was three years. And Harry Potter left Alastor Moody a proud and happy man. So Eleven year old Harry Potter left Alastor Moody to fend for himself, entered Hogwarts, and went about his first year quite normally. The he found a two faced demon fucker living inside his dark arts teachers head. Dumbledore found young Harry Potter stark naked and cleaning his clothes at the bottom of a chamber with a disfigured Quirrel several feet away. His Head was found where his testicles once were, his arms sprouting from his neck, his legs coming from his shoulder sockets, and his eyeballs were placed in his hands, enlarged, and charmed to still see.

Harry's response… "The stupid unicorn fucker tried to off me, so I did my very best to keep him alive!"

He was given back to Alastor, once again, after his first year ended. Alastor told Harry, "Aye' me boy, you roughed up the Death fucker with a Vanilla Cream Pie Delight!" His training commenced once again.

Then Harry went back for year two. Once again everything was quite calm until muggle borns were forced to flee the scene when they began to become petrified. Of course the parselmouthed Harry Potter was blamed for the atrocity. Then at the end of the year he was forced to obliterate a boy named Tom Riddle, snog a half conscious Ginny Weasley, and throat fuck a giant snake. Yes Dumbledore floated into the Chamber of Secrets unto the scene of complete and utter chaos. Ginny Weasley was dazed and confused, and Harry Potter was grinning like a mad man. But the oddest thing to Dumbledore was the 200 foot Basilisk with a PVC pipe shoved down its throat.

Poor young Potter was given back to Moody for the third time after the school year ended. "Ayeeee' me boy you have successfully deep throated a Basilisk!"

Year three began with a bang for Harry Potter. With the escape of an extremely dangerous convict, who was accused of betraying his parents, Harry Potter had to watch his back. Not much happened during year three. Harry Potter did get to touch a few girls who wanted him in broom closets all over the school. Perhaps they even game him something in return, but that is not here nor there. So year three passes on and passed on until a man named Peter Pettigrew was found in the pocket of a boy named Ronald Weasley by a very pissed of Harry Potter wielding a magical map of some sort. The next day, Peter Pettigrew was found in the great hall, devoid of control of all his bodily functions. He was missing one arm, one leg, three fingers, seventeen teeth, half an eye ball, both testicles, a portion of his penis, a kidney, an ear, three alveoli in his left lung, a ureter, his bladder, his left bicep, a piece of his nose, his lower jaw, and most importantly his pinky toe.

Albus Dumbledore discovered a joyous Harry Potter speaking to an equally joyous Sirius Black! He then joined in on the conversation at hand. What he discovered made him quite sick. It turned out that both Harry Potter and Black were responsible for the amazing alive Peter Pettigrew. Harry was explaining how he had taken out the alveoli without rupturing the lung, also going into detail on how it 'hurts like a motherfucker.' All in all the year was ended with Sirius Black being proclaimed innocent, one Harry Potter given a gold medal for being a beast, and Harry getting laid by a Hermione Granger. Yes it was a good finish for a good year.

"Aye' me boy you got your first shot at the punnanny!"

"Oh you dirty old boy you!"

And Harry Potter found himself with both Sirius Black and Alastor Moody for the summer.

And that is how we find ourselves outside of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. With a dead Death Eater who tried to get revenge on Harry Potter, and a stunned Albus Dumbledore.