Sequel to Paper Dolls; not necessary to read it to understand this but please do!
Going to try and update every couple of days and I'm off school for two weeks from 15th Oct. so maybe more. Enjoy.
1 month later.
In the last month since Holly's funeral nothing had progressed; Kurt had been to school a total of 8 times, never for more than 3 hours. Blaine had transferred back to Dalton without explanation, but he hadn't needed to. The young, usually dapper boy was painful to look at, he needed to be somewhere he felt safe. Kurt hadn't said anything as Blaine kissed him softly and drove away but everyone could see he was scared; he wanted to give Blaine space to heal but how much space was too much? They barely talked but text everyday, small things like "I love you," "I miss you," "it will get better," it was all they could do because sometimes it felt like it never would.
Burt, Carole and Finn just didn't know how to handle Kurt in this state, they knew he was in pain but it was hard to stand by and watch it, especially without Blaine here it seemed to get worse. Burt had called Blaine to ask how he was and Blaine would answer with a fake politeness that dripped with his real feeling: grief. Blaine's parents had of course been disapproving of the relationship and pregnancy but they couldn't ignore this, every parent has once cried at just the mere wondering of how it feels to lose a child. John Anderson had even tried to comfort Blaine once but his emotional distance made it nearly impossible; Blaine needed to be held, to be encouraged, to be understood... He needed Kurt.
"I don't understand why he left though," Burt said exhaustedly from the table as Carole carefully sliced vegetables, "they're killing themselves being apart!"
"I know, I know... They're on different planets though; Kurt blames himself for being the one who physically lost Holly while Blaine just feels helpless. Imagine watching the person you love the most go through..." She trailed off and glanced at Burt, "sorry, I-"
"Don't worry, I get what you mean," he smiled comfortingly and she set back at her steady pace, everything seemed so much slower in this house now, like if you moved too quick something bad would happen. "It's insane, they're just kids Carole and yet all I want is for them to have their own!"
"Because we know they'd be amazing, Blaine was so read to be a dad," she smiled fondly at the thought of Blaine's smile whenever the subject of his unborn daughter came up.
"Yeah, but right now they ain't doing so well, they need to see each other now before one of them loses it. You know Kurt is still hugging himself-" The sentence was cut off when Kurt walked in silently apart from a soft cough to quiet his father. Donned in yet another four-sizes-too-big jumper that came over his knees and hands and made him look so childlike and broken, he grabbed a glass and got some water.
The atmosphere suddenly became charged with everything that needed to be said, with everything Kurt was pretending he didn't feel or hear, with everything that Burt needed to tell his son but didn't know how and all the questions Carole hadn't asked or gotten answered yet. It made Kurt want to cry, he missed the banter, the easy conversation, in fact conversation at all would be nice. He glanced over at the food Carole was making and his tummy tightened with hunger but when he felt the remaining swelling it disappearing back into the pain that had consumed all of his other feelings. He went to leave the kitchen when he looked up at Burt with his big blue eyes that were the saddest, ocean navy Burt had ever seen.
"It's only been 4 weeks Dad, sometimes it feels like..." He swallowed his tears desperate, "like she's still here."
It broke Finns heart to hear Kurt say things like that; he often saw Kurt holding himself like he had done when he was pregnant and once he had 'helpfully' reminded Kurt it was over. Note once was definitely enough to learn that lesson. He also missed Blaine; it was like having a proper brother, like a sports-watching brother, which is all Finn, has ever wanted really. He watched Kurt disappear into the basement and decided to ring Blaine and try and get him to visit or something.
"Hey Finn," he sounded happy enough but Finn could tell something was wrong. "What's up?"
"Nothing much, just dude, you need to come over like a-sap,"
"Why? What happened? Is Kurt Ok?" Blaine's immediate panic panicked Finn for a second.
"Nothing happened but truthfully no, he's not OK Blaine and neither are you," Finn felt so grown up saying this, "you need each other, you can't pretend like this didn't happen."
"We're not we're just taking... Taking a break that's all-"
"Bullshit! Look you guys are like the best couple ever, you were gonna be great parents and get married and all that, just because this happened doesn't mean you give up!"
"This isn't a normal occurrence Finn!" Blaine growled down the line "you need time to hurt and heal,"
"Why not together?" He heard Blaine inhale sharply and smiled, they were just avoiding the situation and hopefully one of them would see sense before something bad happened.
"I'll come over soon Finn, I promise... Tell Kurt- Never mind, bye."
Kurt closed the door softly and made his way down the stairs to his bed, where he crawled under the covers and tried to keep the tears back. Finn was so right. They needed to be together; he would never get over Holly without Blaine, he was too in love to live apart from him like this. Kurt's phone vibrated loudly on his bedside table and normally he would have left it but he had developed a sixth sense for important texts and something made him venture out of the darkness to fetch the device.
-We are being ridiculous; I love you. I love you more than anything and I need to see you, we need to talk. The guilt will kill us if we let it, it wasn't our fault Kurt, it especially wasn't your fault. B x
That text switched something in Kurt's head, a memory, a fleeting scene that will forever be engraved on his brain, forever causing him pain.
The next day Kurt went to school, he managed his skin routine, to choose an outfit and eat something without crying or needing to lie down and give up; he was on a mission. Walking down the halls of McKinley he was used to stares, to whispers, to pointing and even people calling out but today he was even more oblivious, all he wanted was to find one person. Dressed in red and impossible to miss, mostly due to his size and partly to do with their history Kurt's fist found it's target pretty quick. He was stronger than anyone would have ever guessed and the definitive crunch under his knuckles silenced the busy hall, every pair of eyes trained on the car crash unfolding in front of them.
"You killed her," he didn't raise his voice but he didn't need to, everyone was listening. "You knew, I don't know how but you knew exactly how fragile she was!" His voice was thick, he didn't sound angry at all, just desperate, broken and confused. Dave's brown eyes wouldn't meet Kurt's, he just slumped around his gushing nose; some blood was on Kurt's hand but he hadn't seemed to notice or care. Kurt lunged forward again but strong hands pulled him back and surprisingly he came face to face with Sue Sylvester, her normally harsh features were soft and understanding.
"This isn't the way to deal with this porcelain," he stared at her for a moment and nodded before shaking off her hold.
"I just want to know why, why you would do that to us?" The seconds of silence stretched on forever, everyone waiting for the answer, everyone for once on Kurt's side, even if they hated him before they could feel the pain radiating out of him now. Kurt's eyes weren't harsh, they were searching, searching for an answer that would bring the peace he just couldn't find with himself, the universe and most of all, with Blaine.
"Because it wasn't fair..."
Blaine wasn't in the mood for Warbler practice but he had to go and smile and sing and be "Blaine Anderson, soloist" when he felt like "Blaine, failure." Everyone had been supportive but it was hard for them to understand what he was going through and he couldn't blame them so he pretended like it didn't bother him.
"Rachel?" Blaine wouldn't normally answer his phone in practice but he wanted an excuse to leave.
"OH MY GOODNESS BLAINE DID YOU HEAR?" Her shouting was one of the most painful sounds Blaine knew but the panic overwhelmed the annoyance.
"I'm at school Rachel, what's going on?"
"Kurt! He just punched Karofsky! Right in the face!-"
"-It was so fucking awesome!" Santana's smooth voice made me laugh and I couldn't help but smile at thought of Kurt actually punching someone but-
"Why?"
"I don't know, he didn't seem mad, he wasn't even shouting… He-" The line went silent and I heard two people arguing softly, "Blaine he said Dave… it was his fault, you know, about Holly." He dropped the phone with a clatter, knowing it would be OK but not caring in that moment, the only thing he could think of was Kurt and the tiny baby they held for mere minutes. What had happened with Kurt in the bathroom that day? The detail of him and Karofsky kissing had slipped Blaine's mind, he though Kurt was upset because was 'cheating' and well it wasn't, not to Blaine, especially not in that moment.
Blaine was in his car in what felt like seconds later, he had told Wes to cover for him and he'd be back at some point. His small hands were shaking slightly, hot tears threatened at the back of his throat but he didn't know why, he couldn't place the emotion that was coursing through him. All he knew was he needed to be with Kurt, he had been an idiot to transfer back, to run away when they needed each other the most. The guilt had been eating Blaine since the moment he knew Holly wasn't going to be OK, he hadn't been with Kurt, he hadn't been there to protect them like he should of and worst of all he couldn't make it better afterwards. He glanced at his ring finger and wondered if the silver band (Kurt had made him get one too so they could both have engagement rings) was only sitting there because the boys hadn't talked in so long.
"It will be OK."
Hope you enjoyed! Reviews make my year.