She never realized how she felt about him until now.
Haar had always been a part of Jill's life, of course. There was never a time when he wasn't there. Even when they were separated during the war between Daein and Begnion, Jill just assumed that they would find each other again. Even with the whole continent at war, she'd never worried about losing him. She'd never even thought of it. Haar was just always there.
Looking back, Jill realized how much she never really paid attention to his presence. Almost four years ago Haar was simply her captain and her duty was to obey his orders. He was a good captain – lazy, but good – and she hardly minded taking orders. Yet she hadn't truly seen him then. She hadn't paid attention to him.
At the end of the first war, they met in equal standing. Laid-back as always, Haar hadn't minded treating Jill as a friend rather than as a subordinate. It was difficult for Jill to not refer to him as Captain at first, but eventually she relaxed about it. He became a good friend – Jill realized just how good of a friend when she thought about how he'd helped her through her father's death. And yet even then – even then! - she had paid so little attention to him.
How could she not have seen him?
Jill thought about their short-lived delivery business they had started together. It had seemed so natural. Of course they should start a business together. They both rode wyverns and had excellent senses of direction. Why not? They worked so well together. Jill often reached her destinations faster and more efficiently, but Haar knew how to handle the finances remarkably well.
Haar had always just been there. Jill never knew how much she took him for granted until now.
She and dozens of others camped around the Tower of Guidance in Begnion. Bloody war had engulfed the entire continent of Tellius and the goddess Ashera had awoken. She delivered a curse that turned all but the strongest into stone. Now the strongest all worked together to arrive at Ashera's front door, readying themselves to defeat the goddess and very literally save the world.
Members of Ashera's Order were constantly awoken and resurrected from the dead to face them. Jill's commander, Ike, had recognized the severity of this and asked his tactician, Soren, to think of a strategy. Everything hinged on this strategy. If they were defeated, the world ended.
It was decided that most of their group needed to remain outside the Tower to fight off the Order, blocking them from entering the Tower and swarming everyone. A very small group would go into the Tower and face Ashera's strongest and deadliest allies before facing Ashera herself. Clearly the Resistance Army's strongest fighters would be the ones to enter the Tower.
Ike had done well to select each of the laguz royals. Tibarn, Naesala, Caineghis, Nailah...they were all far stronger than any beorc. He had selected Stefan, the man who had perfected his sword technique. He had selected Titania, his faithful deputy commander. He had selected Soren, his brilliant tactician.
Then Ike had walked over to the tall man with the eye patch, standing calmly next to his black wyvern, and nodded.
After a few more selections, the final team was complete. Jill would have the honor of defending the Tower entrance and keeping the Order at bay. But Haar...
Of course Ike wouldn't hesitate to bring Haar into the Tower, Jill tried to calm herself. He's the strongest man you know, isn't he?
From where she stood, Jill could watch as Haar, the one who had always been there, sharpened the legendary ax he had been given. His one eye stayed unwaveringly focused on the blade as he dragged it across the whetting stone. With each scrape, Jill's heart pounded faster and faster, though she didn't quite know why. Her mind was so foggy.
After closely examining it, Haar gently leaned his ax on the stone. Then he calmly walked back to his wyvern and stroked its snout. The wyvern gave a low purr-like growl. Jill could hear Haar say, "Well, are you ready for one last wild ride? We're fighting the greatest powers in the world inside that Tower. I won't let you down, and you can't let me down either. This time's the big one."
The wyvern nuzzled Haar's shoulder. It seemed to know the seriousness of the approaching situation. A voice in Jill's mind spoke calmly and matter-of-factly: Is there anything you'd like to say to Haar? The chances are better for his death than for his survival, so it might be nice to say something to him in case you never see him again.
Jill never really paid much attention to Haar before. Now, as she thought about the possibility of never seeing him again, she couldn't breathe. Her heart rate spiked, her breathing became rapid, her head felt light and dizzy. She realized she was panicking. Goddess, this can't be happening. Not Haar.
Afraid that she might faint, Jill knelt down, burying her fingers in the grass, trying to control her breathing, trying not to let her mind truly think about what might happen to Haar in that tower. White spots encircled her vision. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on absolutely nothing. Of course nothing would happen to Haar. He was good. He was strong.
But she couldn't stop it. A scene unfolded in her mind, a scene of Haar fighting with all his strength, flying expertly on his wyvern and diving to decapitate the enemy with his sharpened ax. An archsage appeared, brandishing a Bolting tome, able to strike whomever he pleased while remaining a great distance away. Jill saw Haar soaring for him, determination in his eye as he sought to remove the greatest danger to himself and his wyvern. Dragons never did fare well with thunder magic.
One lightning strike from the archsage hurled Haar's battle-wearied wyvern to the ground, violently throwing Haar from off its back. His wrist broken, his shoulder dislocated, he couldn't move in time to avoid the enemy's sword. The blade plunged through his chest once, twice, three times. Haar convulsed, releasing a weakened yet agonized cry, before the sword sliced across his throat, spilling his blood all over the floor.
Ike would deliver his body to her, and she would see his slit throat and his torn, bloody chest. She would stare and stare, expecting him to breathe, expecting him to wake up as he always did from a nap, but his chest would never rise and fall again. She would watch them bury him and know that he was truly gone. She would never meet him on her way to dinner again. She would never catch him napping again. She would never laugh at his dry humor again. Haar, who was always there, would be lost permanently.
Jill only noticed the frightened tear gliding down her face when it tickled her cheek. Knowing she must look a mess, she glanced up at Haar. He was turned so that his one eye faced the other direction. He hadn't noticed Jill having a meltdown. Her breath catching in her throat, Jill finally realized what she had never stopped to see. Haar had always been in her life and now, at the possibility of him being removed from it, she didn't know what she would do without him. If he died, so much of her life would die with him.
I can't lose him.
Her eyes gazed over Haar's tall, firm body. A new feeling overwhelmed her. Out of her fear and her realization of how much he meant to her, Jill was overcome with how much she wanted him. He'd always been an attractive man, and Jill would be lying if she said she hadn't thought or dreamed about holding him or kissing him before. Now, however, she could think of nothing else she wanted more than to wrap her arms around him and not let go. She wanted him to hold her. She wanted him to run his hand through her hair. She wanted him to kiss her.
How could I have been so stupid to not realize...? Now he's off to fight the strongest foes who want nothing more than to end his life. The chance to be with him is almost over.
If Haar died, Jill couldn't fathom ever wanting to be with anyone else. Even without thinking about it before, Jill realized that she'd always pictured Haar being there for the rest of her life. Nobody else could replace him. Nobody else could be the man that Haar was.
She wanted him so badly.
Wondering what to say to him, wondering how to approach it, Jill's heart leaped into her throat as she saw Haar pick up his ax and begin to lead his wyvern toward the tower doors. No! They weren't leaving yet, were they? They couldn't be going inside yet, they'd hardly had any time to rest! This isn't happening. No, he's not leaving, he's not leaving! He can't leave me!
"Haar!" Jill's voice burst out, shrill and loud.
Haar turned to look behind him with his good eye.
Jill's heart pounded faster than her feet as she ran towards him. Her mind raced through all the things she wanted to say to him, all the things she needed to say to him. You can't go, Haar. You can't leave me. My heart would never mend if the enemy took you away from me in there. I'm so sorry, Haar, I'm so sorry I never told you how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I never told you that you're the strongest, bravest man I know. I'm sorry I never told you that you're the only man I've ever wanted to be with. Please, Haar, don't go. Just stay here with me, Haar. Hold me. Please hold me, Haar.
Don't you know that I love you, Haar? I love you! You're the only one I will ever love. I'm so sorry, Haar, I should have told you sooner, I should have KNOWN sooner. I should have told you how much I loved you. You can't leave me now, Haar. Don't go in there! Haar, I love you!
All these thoughts ached to be spoken, and yet Jill could only stand there, looking into the face of the man she loved, unable to get the first word out of her mouth. Her hands trembled. They yearned to touch Haar's strong jawline, stroke his soft neck. Jill couldn't breathe. Every ounce of her body longed for him.
Haar's hazel eye stared down into Jill's. One eyebrow raised in confusion.
"Jill?" his deep voice asked smoothly.
How do I tell you everything? How do I explain it all? How do I even begin to show you everything I never showed you for years?
Jill could only keep looking into his face. Her throat refused to emit any sounds.
"Are you okay?" Haar asked, his face more concerned now.
Jill swallowed. Come on, voice, speak! Your time is running out! But what did she want to say? How would she start? She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, feeling her face turn red. She was surely creeping him out now. This wasn't how he was supposed to see her before he went into battle. Before she could force herself to answer, the scaly head of Haar's wyvern rested on Haar's shoulder, blinking as it snorted at Jill.
"Hey, knock it off," Haar frowned, gently pushing the dragon's head away. "We'll have plenty of time together in a minute."
"You're leaving now?" Jill finally managed to croak out.
"The faster we defeat Ashera, the faster everything goes back to normal," Haar said.
If something happens to you in there, my life will never be normal again.
"H-how do you feel about it? About going in there, I mean." Jill tried to hide the quaver in her voice, but failed.
Haar shrugged. "I'll lend my strength and do what I can, as always."
"And...that will be enough," Jill said, trying to sound confident. "You'll win."
"That's the plan," Haar replied.
Jill stared at him again, her voice silent. Another awkward pause filled the air. Haar stared back for a second or two, then glanced at his wyvern. Jill knew he had to go. She only had a couple of minutes. Panic filled her once more.
"Haar, I...there's something...I..."
Haar turned his gaze back on her. Jill could feel hot tears filling her eyes. Oh goddess, Haar, I love you so much.
"Jill?" Haar asked softly.
Her throat tightened up again, cutting off her words. She took another step towards him, her head feeling lighter. She was now so close to him that their bodies almost touched. She'd never dared to get this close to him before. Her heart hammered so hard her whole body felt it. Yet Haar didn't back away.
Her hands trembled. This time, she obeyed their wishes. Resting one hand on Haar's side, she placed the other hand against his face, burying her fingers into his hair as her thumb stroked his jaw. She could hardly control her breathing as she looked into Haar's eye. He didn't break their gaze. She brought her face closer to his until she could feel his hot breath against her cold face. His lips were so close now.
Scared yet desirous, nervous yet yearning, Jill had no idea what she was doing. She slowly leaned her face forward until her lips barely brushed against Haar's. They were dry, but warm. Unable and unwilling to pull away, Jill caught her breath and pressed her lips into his. She closed her eyes and felt herself melt as Haar's mouth softly formed against hers. This was everything she wanted. This was the man she loved.
Jill felt two tears flee down her face as Haar's gloved hand gently caressed the back of her neck. Finally remembering to breathe again, Jill finished their kiss, but knew it was not enough. Her lips met his again, deeper this time. She tried to concentrate every deep, affectionate, sensual feeling she had within her into that kiss. If her voice would not let her tell him that she loved him, her lips would.
Jill's mouth opened slightly for their third kiss. Haar responded in kind. She took his lower lip, feeling the warmth and moistness of his mouth more clearly now. As she moved to kiss his upper lip, her hand moved, seemingly of its own accord, to gently stroke Haar's neck. He tensed and sighed with pleasure at her touch.
After one last kiss, Jill finally pulled away, not bothering to stop the tears racing down her cheeks. She felt like she might burst from all the affection she felt for him. From the soft look on Haar's face as he gazed at her, she saw her affection returned.
"Come back to me, okay?" Jill finally managed to squeak.
Haar didn't answer at first. Instead he turned back to his wyvern. What's he doing? Jill thought. He wouldn't just leave me like that, would he?
She remained plastered to her spot as Haar reached inside a bag he had attached to his wyvern. Whatever he pulled out, it had to be small, as Haar examined it in the palm of his hand. After a pause, Haar turned and walked back toward Jill. Jill stared at his closed hand for a second or two before looking back into his face.
"I've wondered for a while whether to give this to you or not," Haar said. "I kept thinking you would accept it, but I didn't know for sure. I know now."
Then Haar took Jill's hand, turned it palm-side up, and covered it with his other hand. Jill could feel a small object drop into her hand, but couldn't see it through Haar's glove. She hesitated to look back into Haar's eye, already longing to kiss him again.
"I will come back to you," Haar stated softly yet determinedly. Jill caught her breath again as Haar bent his head to kiss her once more, then he let go of her hands and walked back to his wyvern. The rest of the tower team was collecting near the door. Jill's heart ached as he led his wyvern away to join them.
Her eyes blurry with tears, she couldn't see what Haar had placed in her hand at first. Blinking, she cleared her vision as quickly as she could. She brought her hand close to her face and saw a ring – a thick silver band with a braided design etched in, and a round, deep blue gem decorating one side. Perhaps it was because she hadn't seen many rings before or perhaps it was because of who gave it to her, but Jill had never seen a more beautiful ring in her life.
He wants to marry me.
Jill glanced up, her heart ready to explode. The tower doors were open. The team filed in. Haar mounted his wyvern and began to press forward.
Not caring who heard her, Jill screamed after him, "I love you, Haar!"
Haar turned his head to make sure his good eye could see her, and smiled. Jill didn't even need to hear him say it back. His ring was enough.
Before walking through the door, Haar's wyvern looked at Jill and roared at her.
"Oh, shut up," Haar lightly popped it on the head with his knuckles. "It's high time you learned you're not the love of my life."
Another roar.
"Don't be jealous. You're my wyvern. We'll still spend plenty of time together after Jill and I get married."
This seemed to be satisfactory. The wyvern purred as it glided into the tower. The doors closed behind them. They were gone.
But Haar said he'd come back. Jill slid the ring on her finger, ignoring the stares from everyone who heard her proclamation. He will come back to me. I just know he will.
Haar had always been a part of her life. And now, he always would be.