Pieces

"Doc! Get your ass up here now!" Mal bellowed.

Simon ran down the corridor toward the mess. He rushed head long through the doorway and stopped short. Jayne was holding onto River, Mal was holding a dripping knife, and the room was dotted with crimson.

River bucked and kicked against Jayne. "No! Let me finish! It has to go," she gasped. "You don't understand. Repairs must be affected. It's flawed. Not an acceptable part of the whole…"

Jayne tightened his grip. "Gorram it, girl! You best settle down so the doc can help ya."

It was then Simon realized the blood was coming from River. He raced to her side screaming, "What the hell happened here?" He surveyed his sister's wounds. "Never mind, let's get her to the infirmary. Now!" Somehow he and Jayne managed to pick up the struggling River and move her down the corridor. Once he had her on the exam table, Simon pressed a towel to the gash in River's chest. "Hold this and apply pressure!" he commanded Jayne. Jayne scowled but complied, and Simon set about sedating River. As Simon took her arm to inject the sedative, River lunged toward the scalpels on a nearby tray. Jayne grabbed her just in time, distracting her long enough for Simon to give her the shot.

Upon closer inspection, Simon could see the wound was rather deep. He managed to stop the bleeding and stitched River up as best he could. There were so many gashes he thought he would never finish stitching, but at last it was over. The rest of the crew was standing outside the infirmary door. Mal and Jayne were front and center. Jayne sported a newly swelling black-eye. Mal had fared slightly better with a slight cut on his cheek. Both men were splattered with River's blood. Simon motioned them inside. "Now, which one of you wants to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Jayne, why don't you start?" Mal asked. "You saw it from the beginning. I only came in halfway through."

Jayne cleared his throat. "Well doc, it's like this. I was sitting at the table cleaning my guns. Next thing I know the girl runs in, grabs a knife, and starts cutting on herself. I got a hold of her hand and held the knife back. Bout that time Mal showed up. He wrestled the knife away from her and started hollering for you."

Simon was puzzled. "Those wounds were self inflicted?"

"If by self-inflicted you mean did Little Miss Crazy carved herself up? Then yes," Jayne replied

Simon slumped wearily against the wall. "I don't understand."

"Look doc," Mal said. "Like I told you, I didn't see the whole thing, but looked to me like River was trying to stab herself. Jayne was holding her arm back, and I grabbed the knife. The whole time she was railing and screaming bout something needing to come out of her." Mal's expression softened. "You reckon it was something they put in her at the Academy?'

Simon shook his head. "I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait until she wakes up."

Kaylee stepped forward timidly. "You want me to sit with her for a while. So you can clean up and all."

Simon looked down at his blood soaked shirt. "Yes, that would be nice. Thanks, Kaylee." He managed a weak smile and headed toward his quarters.

"I'll stay, too," he heard Zoe say. "In case River wakes up while the doc's gone. I got a feeling she's gonna be in a right state when she comes to."

It took Simon longer than he expected to clean up. There was so much blood. River's blood. Why would she do this? Simon sighed. Understanding River was nearly impossible. He wished he knew exactly what had happened to her at the Academy, but he could only speculate. Was his imagination worse than the reality of the Academy? It was hard to accept that he might never know.

When he returned to the infirmary, Kaylee and Zoe were still holding vigil at River's beside. "She hasn't moved or nothing." Kaylee reported.

"That's good," Simon replied. "She needs rest." Actually he wasn't sure what his sister needed, but as a doctor he knew it was hard to go wrong with rest. "Thanks for sitting with her. I'll take it from here," he said as he pulled a chair to the bed side. Zoe nodded and left. Kaylee, however, hovered behind him for a bit. "You want something to eat?" she asked finally.

"No thanks." Simon smiled a bit. "I could use some coffee, though."

Kaylee brightened. "I'll run fetch you some," she said eagerly. "Cream, no sugar, right?"

Simon nodded and Kaylee hurried away. It amazed Simon how much Kaylee seemed to care for him. Not that she said anything about it. He didn't either for that matter, but the feeling was there. During times like these he wished things between them could be different. Yet, times like these were the reason things had to stay the way they were. He was still musing on the subject when Kaylee returned with two steaming mugs. "Here you are." She smiled, offering him a cup. "You think River will be okay when she wakes up?"

Simon took a sip of coffee. "No way to tell." He shrugged. "All we can do is hope for the best." Secretly he doubted that River would ever be "okay."

Kaylee put her hand on his shoulder. Simon looked into her eyes. He could see love, concern, and so many unanswered questions staring back at him. For a long moment they held each other's gaze. Kaylee's cheeks flushed and as if this were some prearranged signal they both looked away. "Well, guess I better be gettin' back to work," Kaylee stammered looking down at the floor. "Holler if you need me." She hurried out of the medical bay. Simon wanted to call after her, but she had disappeared from view before the words formed in his throat. He sighed and turned back to River. Maybe one day he would sort things out with Kaylee. Maybe. Right now his sister came first.

River came around muttering and pulling at her restraints. "No more tests," she pleaded over and over in a hoarse whisper. Simon rushed to the bedside. "Mei mei, it's okay," he soothed. "It's Simon."

River's eyes focused on him. "Of course, it's Simon," she said matter of factly. "Who else would it be?"

Simon stroked her hair and smiled. "No one. How do you feel?"

"Everything and nothing," River replied. "I feel strapped to this table, and I don't like it."

Hesitantly, Simon undid the restraints. River seemed calm enough now. "What happened? Why did you cut yourself?"

His sister sat up and looked him in the eye. She was still a bit shaky. "It's not right inside. The sum of my parts doesn't compute. The calculations are off. I wanted to fix it. To take it out cause I don't really need it. Not like the rest of you. I'm too broken."

Simon took her hand. "Mei mei, I don't understand. What isn't working? Are you sick? Did they put something inside you?"

River shook her head slowly. "No, it's what they took and what they left behind. My heart, Simon, my heart. It won't work like it should. Not like it does for most people. I can't love or be loved. I can feel it in others, but not in me. Zoe and Wash love each other, Kaylee loves you. No one loves River."

"I love you, River. Doesn't that count?" Simon asked.

"Not that kind of love." River sighed. "The other kind, the swirly inside kind. The kind that keeps you from being adrift in the'verse. I'll never have that. I can't. There are too many cracks."

"River, I don't think you need to worry about that kind of thing. Romantic love is complicated and right now we have to worry about getting you well." Simon brushed River's hair out of her eyes. "When you get better, who knows what might be in store for you?"

River looked grim. "There is no better, Simon. I'm just like Lena. Remember her?"

Simon thought for a moment. "You mean that china doll you had years ago? The one that got broken?"

River nodded. "I put her back together piece, by piece. They all went back, but cracks still showed. She was never whole again. Like me. It never fits back exactly right. All the pieces coexist, but not like in the beginning. A puzzle without a solution."

"Look, River, I can't imagine how you feel, but I don't see how hurting yourself will make it better," Simon said. "You could have killed yourself."

"They killed me long ago. If the heart is removed, then how can it hurt?"

Simon took a deep breath. He was trying not to let his frustration show. "River, no one can live without a heart. Not even you." He put his arms around her. "Now I want you to promise me that you won't try anything like this again. Leave your heart right where it is and I'll try to figure out how to make you better. Deal?"

River hugged him tight. "Okay, I won't tamper with my heart on one condition. I'll even pinky swear if you want."

Simon wrapped his pinky around River's. "What's the condition?"

"You have to start using yours."

Simon almost laughed. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Yes, you do," River said pointedly looking at the coffee mug Kaylee left behind. "Denial is not becoming, big brother. You know as well as I do. She's a piece that fits."