It's Her Party (She'll Sneak Out If She Wants To)

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Trying to get a taste of the teenage life, Jaylynn schemes to go to a house party hosted by one of KG's friends. Meanwhile, RK tries to educate himself on Modern Family after realizing he doesn't know anything about the Emmy-winning comedy series.

1. It's Her Party Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 2

Airdate: October 1, 2017

"It's Her Party (She'll Sneak Out If She Wants To)"

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne, Larisa Oleynik as Denise

#TYH602

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It's a Friday night in Seattle and the guys look bored beyond belief as RK turns off his TV.

RK: Well, that's the ninth time we've seen every episode of Full House. God help us.

WADE: RK, no offense, but if this is the best activity you can give us for a Friday night, you're asking me to stab you in the arm with a fork.

SPARKY: Yeah. I could be out with Halley right now!

RK: So why aren't you?

SPARKY: She thinks we're spending way too much time together.

RK: Look, guys, it was my turn to figure out what to do for our Friday hangout. It's not my fault this is one of the only good things on TV.

BUSTER: We could always go on Netflix and watch every episode of Fuller House.

JAYLYNN: No. I don't want that and I know you don't want that either. Let's face it, guys. Until we become teenagers and get lives of our own, this is what we're reduced to.

RK: Are you saying we're lame?

JAYLYNN: I might be saying you're lame, but that's only because you have a problem with what I said. I'm going to the bathroom. Maybe while I'm in there, I'll actually think of something cool for us to do next Friday.

Jaylynn gets up off the couch and heads for the bathroom upstairs.

RK: Ha. The only thing she's going to be thinking about up there is how long it'll take for her to pass. Am I right?

Beat. RK chuckles while the boys look disinterested.

RK: Am I?

SPARKY: No. You're going to sit there and think about how unfunny that joke was for the rest of the night.

BUSTER: You box of Froot Loops.

Jaylynn walks towards the bathroom when she hears KG come out of his room on his phone.

KG: No, man, it's true. Yeah, everything's racist, I know. I have to go put a pizza in the oven. Talk to you tomorrow.

KG hangs up and Jaylynn walks up to him at that moment.

JAYLYNN: What was that about?

KG: Oh, I was just educating Rodney about the true history of the ice cream truck song. How are things in the fourth grade?

JAYLYNN: Terrible. Another Friday, another predictable crappy night of lame sitcoms. I really wish my life was different sometimes. More unpredictable, more reckless, more insane.

KG: Trust me, Jaylynn, you and the boys have it made. When I was your age, all I wanted to do was play third base for the Mariners and give myself nosebleeds.

JAYLYNN: Why?

KG: Because I was an idiot. Then I started paying more attention to girls, my Adam's apple grew up, and I realized that life is just a whole bunch of nothing until you die. So why sit around and complain about the shit you can't change?

JAYLYNN: That's just it. I know I can change this shit. There's way more to life than just watching TV.

KG: Didn't you guys go to space or something this summer?

JAYLYNN: That kind of stuff doesn't happen every day, KG.

KG: Well, if I were you, I would try appreciating the life I have now. It's not easy to be 14, standing on the shoulders of adulthood, just hoping to be accepted by everyone. I know that bat mitzvah next week is going to be a killer.

JAYLYNN: Bat mitzvah? For who?

KG: It's just a house party Trevor's throwing. The thing is, he's not Jewish, he's not a girl, and he's not turning 13 but we can't keep him from calling it that.

JAYLYNN: A house party, huh? Can I...

KG: No.

JAYLYNN: You have absolutely no idea what I was about to say.

KG: Jaylynn, the weed I smoke hasn't taken that many brain cells. A party like that is no place for a girl like you.

JAYLYNN: Come on, I'm not that immature. I could totally spend the night with your friends. Just put in a good word for me, let Trevor know I'm the most awesomesauce ten-year-old he'll ever meet.

KG: See, if you say things like awesomesauce to my friends, they'll probably beat your ass on sight. Besides, man, it's going to be a party with high school kids too. Trevor knows people who knows people. Plus, there will be smoking and drinking there and if something happens to you, I'm going to get it from your parents.

JAYLYNN: My mom's dead and my dad's a stupid deadbeat who lives in Milwaukee.

KG: Oh yeah, I forgot none of us have parents. Still, the answer's no. Because if something does happen to you, I'm going to hear it from...

At that point, RK walks upstairs.

RK: Jaylynn, how long does it take for a little girl to use the bathroom? You didn't even drink that much Coke tonight, come on.

JAYLYNN: Oh, I was done already.

RK: What's going on here? Why are you two standing so close to each other?

KG: Why do you automatically assume something's going on?

RK: Because you two look suspicious. But you know what? That toilet looks suspicious so it's time for some interrogation if you know what I mean.

RK walks towards the bathroom while KG and Jaylynn watch him. RK looks back at the two with a blank stare, then closes the door.

KG: The answer's still no, by the way.

JAYLYNN: You already rubbed salt in my eyes, you don't have to kick me in the nuts too.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

A few days later, the boys are having lunch together while Jaylynn is nowhere to be found.

SPARKY: So whose turn is it to decide what we're doing on Friday?

BUSTER: I'm pretty sure it's mine.

WADE: No, you had your turn before RK. It's my turn now.

BUSTER: But you're supposed to go after Jaylynn!

WADE: No, you're supposed to go after Jaylynn!

BUSTER: Repeating what I say doesn't help at all!

WADE: I'm not using that as a witty retort, I'm stating the actual facts, you ignoramus.

BUSTER: Well, I never...

SPARKY: Why don't we just draw straws after school to see who picks?

BUSTER: I guess that's fair.

WADE: Why not?

SPARKY: Good. Hey, where's Jaylynn?

RK: She's eating with the Masters today.

SPARKY: She never said anything about that.

RK: What, does she have to submit it in writing? Plant a tracking device in her bookbag? She's a human being, man!

SPARKY: What? I-I didn't...I wasn't, okay.

Cut to Jaylynn talking to Halley, Ashley, and Gilcania at their table.

JAYLYNN: I still can't believe KG doesn't think I'm mature enough to hang with his junior high friends. I mean, fourth grade and eighth grade aren't that far apart, right?

HALLEY: Nope, definitely not. Your plan's one hundred percent safe, A1.

JAYLYNN: Don't be sarcastic around me, bitch.

HALLEY: I have to so you know you're playing yourself. Look, the guys are awesome. How come you don't want to hang out with them?

JAYLYNN: It's not that, I'm just tired of doing the same thing every Friday night. When you're a kid, there isn't much out there for you. But think about the guys from Awkward or Pretty Little Liars or Degrassi. They do cool stuff literally all the time. Why can't that be my life for a change?

ASHLEY: Because those are just TV shows and this is real life?

JAYLYNN: Well, real life sucks. I just have to find a way to convince Trevor to put me on the guest list before Friday. As long as the boys never find out, I'll be fine.

GILCANIA: Remember, honey, it's not worth being something you're not. Teenagers are weirdos.

HALLEY: Yeah, Jaylynn, are you sure you're not in over your head about this?

JAYLYNN: Please, I know what I'm doing. Come hell or high water, I'm going to be at that party.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK walks from Sparky's kitchen with three red straws. He then shuffles them around a bit.

SPARKY: Is one of them cut?

RK: Is one of them cut? Am I handsome, Sparky?

SPARKY: Well...

RK: Don't answer that. Alright, gents, in my hand, I hold three red straws. One of them is not like the others, because it got its manhood taken away. Now all the other straws look at it like a punk. However, the one who grabs the short straw is in luck, because he who grabs said straw shall be the boy who determines what we do this Friday. Take your shot.

Sparky, Buster, and Wade grab the straws with their eyes closed. When they open their eyes, it is revealed that Sparky has the short straw.

SPARKY: Alright!

BUSTER: Ah, man. I knew I should have traded straws with Sparky before we did this.

RK: Well, Sparky has collected the short straw so he, and only he, will decide what we do this Friday night. It's your choice, Sparks.

SPARKY: Okay, well, um...I guess we can just stay in and watch TV again?

The boys groan at Sparky's suggestion.

WADE: This is a travesty.

RK: I might as well have just had a second turn.

BUSTER: Do you hate us, Sparky?

SPARKY: Look, I understand you guys aren't happy but hear me out. True, this is just us doing what we always do, but there's a twist in all this. We're not exactly doing what we always do.

Beat.

BUSTER: Is there a lesson in all this?

SPARKY: You know what? Screw being mysterious. The point is, we always watch shows we've already seen. That's why things are so stale now. We're not challenging ourselves and going outside of our comfort zone.

WADE: So how do we resolve that?

SPARKY: Well, we just have to watch a brand new show. Something none of us are already into.

RK: A show like that doesn't exist. That's puppetry.

SPARKY: It has to exist. We just have to put our heads together. What's the one show we've never watched before? Like, never watched a whole episode, start to finish? As uncertain as we are on a lot of things, we know that this show has never caught our attention.

Beat.

BUSTER: Modern Family?

WADE: Modern Family.

SPARKY: Definitely Modern Family. Okay, that settles it. We're having a Modern Family marathon this Friday night.

RK: What the f*** is a Modern Family?

SPARKY: RK, you're telling me you've never heard of Modern Family?

RK: No. Is this show like, a season old or something?

WADE: No, it's been on for years. It's one of the biggest shows of the 21st century!

RK: I'm telling you, I've never heard of that shit. It's a comedy, right?

BUSTER: That's what people think it is, yeah.

RK: Oh. Wow, I am really out of the loop this time. Guys, honestly, as the TV guru of this group...

WADE: Self-proclaimed, you mean to say.

RK: I am so sorry for failing you all these years.

SPARKY: RK, it's really not that big a deal.

RK: No, Sparky, this is a huge deal. I should be setting a way better example than this. I have shamed and embarrassed not only you guys, but myself as well.

WADE: I can't believe this is a real conversation we're having.

RK: You know what? I'm just gonna go home. I already dropped the ball enough today.

RK gets off the couch and heads towards the door.

SPARKY: Come on, RK, don't beat yourself up over this. You'll get 'em next time. The sun will come out tomorrow!

RK closes the door.

BUSTER: I don't think he heard you.

SPARKY: You know, on some level, I actually feel his pain.

WADE: Eh, he'll be okay.

Beat.

SPARKY: So we're still on for Friday, right?

WADE: Yup.

BUSTER: If I don't laugh after five minutes, I'm leaving.

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is on his laptop on the couch with a determined look and reading glasses on his face. KG walks in from the kitchen.

KG: RK, what are you doing?

RK: Very important research, bro. You wouldn't understand, it's a matter of life and death.

KG walks over to RK's laptop to take a look at his research.

KG: You're doing research on Eric Stonestreet?

RK: Yes, Eric Stonestreet. He plays Cam on Modern Family. You know, Modern Family, right? He's one of the gay characters?

KG: I know what Modern Family is. What I don't get is what your research is about, and why you're wearing glasses.

RK: Look, at Sparky's house, we all agreed to watch Modern Family episodes on Friday night. But I was the only one who didn't know that the show existed. It was awful. They were so ashamed of me.

KG: I thought Ariel Winter was one of your favorite actresses.

RK: Yeah, but I knew about her because of Sofia the First, which is an excellent show, by the way. But this show has been around for years. It's won Emmys, everyone's talked about how groundbreaking it was. I missed out on what could potentially be the greatest sitcom of all-time.

KG: Trust me, it's not that special. And it should have ended two years ago.

RK: Hey, that's not fair. Just because a show's been on the air for a long time, doesn't mean it has to stop making new episodes.

RK nervously glances at the camera for a brief second and goes back to his laptop.

KG: Okay, so you didn't know what Modern Family was. But I don't see how researching it is going to help when you've never watched an episode before.

RK: Well, I'm working on that. This week, I'm going to do all I can to get to know Modern Family. Study it, read about it, become one with it. And on Friday, I'm going to impress the guys with all my knowledge. Then they'll never be embarrassed by me again.

KG: I'm pretty sure they weren't embarrassed.

RK: KG, you weren't there. They were shocked, confused, disgusted. I let them down today and that's not going to happen on Friday. I have to be one hundred percent focused. Eyes on the prize, no distractions.

At that point, Jaylynn walks in the house.

RK: Dude, I just said no distractions. Does knocking no longer exist?

JAYLYNN: Hello to you too. I just wanted to talk to KG.

RK: Oh no, you two are back at it. Look, Jaylynn, I know you're bored with life and you want to experiment, but you're ten. Smoking weed is not the answer, man.

JAYLYNN: I'm not here to smoke weed!

RK: Oh, really? Okay, well, whatever you do, don't involve me with it. Eyes on the prize, bitches.

RK goes back to his laptop while Jaylynn walks in the kitchen with KG following her.

JAYLYNN: What crawled up his ass?

KG: He's just busy researching Modern Family.

JAYLYNN: Why?

KG: Because he's your friend and you should be used to his shit by now?

JAYLYNN: But he's your brother!

Beat.

KG: Touché. Now what did you want to talk to me about?

JAYLYNN: I need Trevor's phone number.

KG: Are you drunk? I'm not giving you that.

JAYLYNN: Come on, KG. If I sell an image to Trevor that I'm this really cool chick, I'll get on the guest list and I can go to the party.

KG: Jaylynn, trust me. Nobody wants a ten-year-old girl at a house party with high school kids. That's like putting chocolate syrup on fried chicken. Yeah, sure, it sounds good, but people will just be wondering why you're throwing up in the toilet.

JAYLYNN: Why are you acting like my dad? I'm not a baby, I can handle stuff like this.

KG: So when someone I know gives you vodka mixed with orange juice and you end up crashing into a tree, who do you think is going to be responsible?

JAYLYNN: The doctors? Who else would it be?

KG: Dear God. Look, Jaylynn, I think you're cool, and if you were a few years older, I would hate the fact that I can't ask you out. But you're not ready for this. Just enjoy being a kid, man.

KG leaves the kitchen and heads for the bathroom.

JAYLYNN: Man, I am so sick and tired of this crap. Why did I have to mature so fast?

Jaylynn notices that KG left his cell phone on the kitchen table. She then gets a devious smile on her face.

JAYLYNN: Well, if I really want it, I might as well take it.

Jaylynn giggles as she pulls out her phone and starts looking through KG's phone for Trevor's number.

SCENE 5

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later that day, Jaylynn sighs as she holds her phone.

JAYLYNN: This will either be the greatest idea I ever have, or the stupidest. Here it goes.

Jaylynn starts dialing Trevor's number. Cut to Trevor doing homework in his room.

TREVOR: I wonder who it was that invented the lightbulb.

At that point, Trevor gets a phone call.

TREVOR: Holy shit, an unknown number!

Trevor immediately picks up his phone.

TREVOR: Look, I don't care what you do with me! Just leave my family alone!

JAYLYNN: What? I mean, um...*Jaylynn clears her throat and adopts a raspy, slightly more masculine voice* Yeah, hello. This is Detective...

Jaylynn takes a look at her TV.

JAYLYNN: Samsung. Yeah, Detective Samsung. I'm calling on behalf of the local agency.

TREVOR: Oh, man. Are you with the FBI?

JAYLYNN: Uh huh. The FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, all that good shit. Listen to me. I've been looking through your file and I've discovered that you owe money for five overdue library books.

TREVOR: Are you kidding me? The check must have bounced. Look, I can pay the money again. I'm good for it, dude.

JAYLYNN: I don't doubt that, but money isn't what I'm after. What I need you to do is invite Jaylynn Hernandez to your house party this Friday.

TREVOR: My bat mitzvah?

JAYLYNN: Yes, sir. Your bat mitzvah.

TREVOR: And you want me to invite Jaylynn Hernandez?

JAYLYNN: Yes. She's a fine young woman and I've known her for years. Ten years, actually.

TREVOR: Wow. A whole decade. Wait a minute. How do I know I'm not being pranked?

JAYLYNN: Because I know your father and if you don't do what I say, I won't let your library debt slide and I'll cut his ears off, you son of a bitch!

TREVOR: NOOOOO! Relax, man, I'll do what you say. I'll invite Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Thank you. She lives here in Seattle and her address is 505 East 67th Street.

TREVOR: Eh, I don't wanna mail her anything. That's so 2002. Couldn't I just invite her on Facebook like a normal person?

JAYLYNN: Sure. She'll be thrilled to get it. Her Facebook is Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez.

TREVOR: I thought her name was just Jaylynn Hernandez.

JAYLYNN: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Beat.

TREVOR: You have a way with words, Detective Samsung. Okay, I'll PM her tonight. Thanks for keeping our country in line, sir.

JAYLYNN: Any time, sonny. Bye now.

Jaylynn hangs up.

JAYLYNN: YES! My first real party is on Friday! This is going to be the coolest thing ever! I wonder if I can trick anyone else like this.

Jaylynn begins dialing another number.

JAYLYNN: Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

BUSTER: Leave me alone, Detective Swartzwelder! I already gave RK the rest of my Skittles!

Buster hangs up immediately, leaving Jaylynn visibly confused.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The kids are at their lockers the next day.

SPARKY: You know, when I was flipping channels last night, I found out that the USA Network has a Modern Family marathon every Friday.

WADE: You're kidding, right?

RK: Actually, he's not. You see, Modern Family is one of the most profitable shows currently syndicated. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the USA Network pays $1.5 million for a rerun of the series.

Beat.

WADE: Okay. Hey, doesn't RAW come on the USA Network too?

SPARKY: Yup. This couldn't have worked out better. We'll just watch whatever episodes they show us.

RK: From what I can tell, the first season of Modern Family received the most critical acclaim. However, many believe there was a significant decline in quality as early as season three.

BUSTER: Why are you talking like that?

RK: Just passing on the knowledge. I mean, tell me if there's anything wrong with educating yourself.

WADE: He's got a point.

Jaylynn walks towards her locker at that point.

JAYLYNN: Hey, guys.

SPARKY: What's up, Jaylynn? You ready for Friday?

JAYLYNN: Oh, hell yeah. This is going to be the best Friday night ever.

BUSTER: Well, somebody's excited to watch Modern Family.

JAYLYNN: What?

SPARKY: Yeah, we decided to watch Modern Family this Friday. We've never seen it before so I thought it would make our hangout more interesting.

JAYLYNN: I can't watch that!

WADE: Why? I mean, it's no Community, but it can't be that bad.

JAYLYNN: No, I have nothing against Modern Family. I like it, it's just that...I already made plans to hang out with Anja on Friday.

RK: You did, did you?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. We don't know what we're doing yet, but hopefully, Lynne's not there. Ha, you know that Lynne. Always trying to piss me off and shit.

SPARKY: How come we didn't know about this?

JAYLYNN: Ugh, see, this is exactly what I was afraid of. You guys would get upset and it would be awkward. I was better off just not saying anything.

SPARKY: We're not upset, man. I mean, a heads up would have been nice, but if you're really that over the Friday hangout thing, you can do what you want.

JAYLYNN: Thank you, Sparky. You're such a wonderful young man.

BUSTER: Are you sure don't want to change your mind? It's gonna be a lot of episodes.

JAYLYNN: Eh, I'll be okay. But let me know if the one where Alex goes insane and checks into a mental hospital comes on.

RK: From what I researched, that episode doesn't exist. Are you referring to the one where Alex has a nervous breakdown and goes to therapy?

JAYLYNN: Yes, and now you've ruined the damn joke so thank you for that.

Cut to RK standing in front of the boys' bathroom, talking directly to the camera.

RK: I knew Jaylynn was up to something. But I couldn't figure it out and my eyes still had to be on the prize so I just let it slide.

*off-screen* SPARKY: RK, what are you doing?

RK: Shit, they're on to me! Cut the camera off!

Cut to reveal Ashley holding up her smartphone and using it as a camera.

ASHLEY: I thought you said you were paying me for this.

RK: I am, but later! Just cut the damn camera off!

SCENE 7

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is watching TV when she gets a phone call. She mutes the TV and answers it when she sees who it is.

JAYLYNN: What's up, KG?

KG: Are you serious right now? Detective Samsung?

JAYLYNN: How did you know that?

KG: You didn't think Trevor was going to talk about a federal agent threatening to cut his dad's ears off unless he invited you to his party? YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD COME UP IN CONVERSATION?!

JAYLYNN: Wow, you sound so stressed out. Eat a freaking Snickers, bro.

KG: Jaylynn, for the last time, you can't go to this party. Once people see you, they're going to make sure you never want to be around them ever again.

JAYLYNN: KG, it's a house party, not a rave in some old guy's garage. I'll be fine.

KG: But...

JAYLYNN: Okay, bye.

Jaylynn hangs up, leaving KG dumbfounded.

KG: Oh yeah, try dropping some knowledge, KG. Help the kids know what they're getting themselves into, KG. Try being a role model, KG. You're just a stupid boy, KG. A stupid, stupid boy.

SCENE 8

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The night of the party, Jaylynn is trying on a Pink Floyd T-shirt with cut-up sleeves in the mirror while Anja watches her.

JAYLYNN: This is so badass. Can you believe it, Anj? I bought this shirt two years ago and it still fits.

ANJA: Wow, that's so amazing. What's your plan again?

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm going to go to the party, have fun...and that's it. I didn't think that far ahead.

ANJA: But do the guys know where you're going?

JAYLYNN: No, and they're not supposed to. As far as they know, I'm hanging out with you. Just let them know I'm okay if they ask. I'm not picking up my phone with loud music in the background and some guys screaming over a busted up beer keg.

ANJA: A beer keg?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Teenagers still party hard, Anja. I think.

ANJA: You're aware that this might be one of the worst ideas you've ever had, right?

JAYLYNN: Look, sis, I need this. I'm tired of my life being the same old crap over and over again. I want the rush that comes with being 14. When you're 14, you'll understand.

ANJA: You're not even 14!

JAYLYNN: That's not what this fake I.D. says, kitten.

Jaylynn shows off her fake I.D. to Anja.

ANJA: Why do you need a fake I.D. when you're not even 18?

JAYLYNN: Because you never know. These guys might think I'm a poser so I have to be certified. By the way, don't ask me how I made this or I'll have to kill you.

ANJA: I wasn't going to.

JAYLYNN: Good. Let's keep it that way. Because I love you, baby, and I don't know what I would do without you.

Beat.

ANJA: You're such a strange person.

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That same night, the boys have settled in to watch Modern Family.

SPARKY: Okay, boys. It's time for us to sit back, relax, and watch a brand new show.

RK: This is it, RK. This is your night, your chance to shine.

BUSTER: You know, I wish Jaylynn was here to see this. It's like she's been ducking us lately.

SPARKY: I know it sucks, but it's nothing personal. Jaylynn's always wanted to do things her way.

RK: Yeah, Buster. Jaylynn's more of the low-key type. She reminds me a lot of Christopher Lloyd, who by the way is the co-creator of Modern Family alongside Steven Levitan.

BUSTER: He is? Ah, man, I wanted to wait until the credits to find that out! Thanks a lot, RK!

SPARKY: So the guy from Back to the Future created this show too? Damn, he must be getting paid.

RK: No, you're thinking of Christopher Lloyd, the actor. There's a big difference between the two.

WADE: Why are you comparing Jaylynn to an old white guy?

RK: I'm just saying, I saw an interview where they said that Steven Levitan was the spotlight guy and Christopher didn't really like being in the press. I thought everybody who watches this show knew that.

Beat.

BUSTER: Are we going to watch this shit or not?

SPARKY: It's playing now, Buster. It's playing.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

A half hour later, the boys are still watching Modern Family.

*on-screen* JAY: I told Phil that I had closet business to take care of but I was really going to the Dodgers game. See, lying to your family is one of the most important parts of being a man. I did it all the time to Claire and Mitchell and they turned out okay...probably.

BUSTER: You know what I don't get? Why they all talk to the camera all the time.

RK: Well, that's because the show employs a documentary-style format.

Buster gives RK a blank stare.

RK: It's supposed to be like a documentary.

BUSTER: Oh. But it looks kinda tacky. If I really want to watch a documentary, I'll just go to PBS.

SPARKY: I hate PBS.

BUSTER: Sparky, remember what we said about letting go?

SPARKY: I can watch other shows, but I'll wear these scars until I die!

WADE: You know, this show isn't half bad so far.

SPARKY: Yeah. I mean, it's funny, but I'm not laughing. That's how you know it's a good show.

RK: Did you guys know that Modern Family won the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series for its first five seasons?

WADE: Could you stop talking like that?

RK: Hey, the Academy obviously thought it was a good comedy.

BUSTER: There's no way a show could have that kind of quality for five years. Please.

SPARKY: Well, we all know these award shows don't always give it to the nominee that deserves it.

A message appears on the screen that says, "The producers of Thank You, Heavenly submitted episodes to be nominated for Outstanding Comedy Series. The Television Academy never replied back." Cut to Mitch and Cam arguing on TV.

MITCH: I'm just saying that maybe Lily is growing up too fast and we have to protect her.

CAM: So our daughter has to stunt her own growth because you're worried that she's becoming better than you? You know, if we were back on the farm, they would have you hog-tied for thinking like that.

MITCH: You don't always have to passive-aggressively reference your childhood just to make a point, Cam.

BUSTER: I miss Jaylynn. She would really like Cam and Mitch.

SPARKY: Why, because they're gay?

BUSTER: Of course. I love seeing white people get represented on TV.

RK: Eh, she's busy with Anja. Just doing what girls do. Speaking of Cam and Mitch...

WADE: Oh God, no.

RK: Did you know that the first episode of season five was a direct response to California declaring that gay marriage was legal?

BUSTER: So it was California that started it all. Makes sense.

SCENE 11

Trevor's Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn knocks on Trevor's door while fixing her shirt.

JAYLYNN: Alright, Jaylynn, this is your big chance. Don't blow it.

The door opens to reveal Rodney staring at Jaylynn.

RODNEY: Who are you?

JAYLYNN: HI! I mean, um, what's up? I'm Jaylynn Hernandez. I'm on the guest list right there. The list of guests.

Rodney takes a look at the guest list.

RODNEY: Okay, here you are. You look a little young for this party though. Have I seen you around Craig Bartlett?

*voiceover* JAYLYNN: He's going to figure you out. Do something! *aloud* No, I go to...Rosenblatt. Yeah, Rosenblatt middle school. You see, I drank a lot of coffee when I was little and it stunted my growth.

RODNEY: Wait, that's true? No wonder Trevor turned out the way he is. He's religious about his caffeine. If you don't see him at Starbucks at least twice a day, you know something happened to him.

KG: Rodney, what are you doing?

RODNEY: KG, I'm just talking to Jaylynn.

KG: Oh, really?

RODNEY: Yeah. She goes to Rosenblatt so that's why I've never seen her before. You know her?

KG: Oh, we have a history together.

RODNEY: Cool. Well, I'll let you guys catch up. Hey, hey, you two over there by the TV! That bong's for everyone!

Rodney walks over to the TV while KG looks angrily at Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: I'm a teenager now.

"Let It Roll" plays briefly in the background.

SCENE 12

Trevor's Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The scene picks up where the last one left off, with KG talking to Jaylynn.

KG: Jaylynn, you really shouldn't have come here.

JAYLYNN: Ugh, you sound like a broken tape recorder. Look, I'm here now, I blend in with the rest of them, what's the problem?

KG: Because you don't have any idea what you're doing. Some of these guys don't really give a shit about shit, they just want to get wasted and ruin everyone's good time.

JAYLYNN: I feel like you don't get invited to a lot of parties.

KG: I don't have to prove myself to you!

JAYLYNN: I know I'm here to have a good time. So let me go see what this party life is all about.

Jaylynn walks over to two girls, leaving KG behind. Trevor walks up to him.

TREVOR: Hey KG, how come no one's put me in a chair and danced around me?

KG: Why the hell would that happen?

TREVOR: Well, it's all a part of bat mitzvahs. I did all that research for nothing.

Beat.

KG: Did someone hit you with a rock when you were a baby?

Cut to Jaylynn talking to the two girls doing nothing but texting on their smartphones.

JAYLYNN: Hi guys. I'm Jaylynn. What's going on?

GIRL #1: We're texting. Leave us alone.

JAYLYNN: But you're at a party.

GIRL #2: And you're at a party. Are you going to sit around stating the obvious or are you going to go away?

JAYLYNN: Alright, fine. But you can't have any fun that way.

Jaylynn walks away from the girls.

GIRL #1: Who was that chick?

GIRL #2: What?

GIRL #1: I'm asking you about that chick.

GIRL #2: There was a chick here?

Beat.

GIRL #1: What?

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later on, the guys are still watching Modern Family.

LUKE: I just don't understand what the big deal is in going to college.

ALEX: In your case, it's the difference between having a future and taking orders at Dunkin Donuts.

HALEY: Aren't you still working at that coffee shop?

ALEX: Aren't you still unemployed?

HALEY: Ugh, sweetie, with that attitude, no wonder guys...uh...I forgot what I was gonna say.

ALEX: This could be your future, Luke.

BUSTER: I don't get it.

WADE: Buster, that's the eighth time you've said that tonight. What is it now?

BUSTER: You're counting it? And anyway, that's Alex, right?

RK: Yes, Alex Dunphy. The smart, sarcastic one of the show. What about her?

BUSTER: Well, I did some research and this is what Ariel Winter looks like. Buster shows the guys a picture of Ariel Winter on his phone. She's a freaking supermodel but Alex looks so plain.

SPARKY: Yeah, because it's acting.

BUSTER: I don't think so. Hear me out on this, but I think that Ariel Winter is Alex's second persona. When she's not on screen, she takes on the form of an evil cyborg trapped in the body of a really hot teenage girl.

Beat.

RK: I actually like that theory.

WADE: Speaking of Alex, I hate her.

SPARKY: Why? She doesn't hurt anyone. Not like that fat punk ass Manny.

WADE: Literally all of her lines have to do with her studying or being snarky to her family. She's a complete caricature of smart people.

BUSTER: But she's a genius and everyone in her family isn't. It's supposed to be, um, context or something.

WADE: I get it, but does she ever have fun or smile or even take her glasses off? Contrary to popular belief, smart people don't spend all their time trying to be smart. They just are.

SPARKY: Amen to that. But it's TV. They don't treat intelligence with dignity.

WADE: That's true. I just hope one day, there are shows that make smart people more complex. Oh, crap, I forgot my science notes! Now how am I going to finish my extra credit problems?!

The other boys stare at Wade.

WADE: There are two sides to everything.

SCENE 14

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anja is watching TV when Lynne comes in.

LYNNE: Is Jaylynn in the bathroom?

ANJA: No, she's at a party.

LYNNE: Was the person who invited her on crack?

ANJA: No! Wait, do teenagers smoke crack? Anyway, she's not here so you guys can't go back and forth tonight.

LYNNE: Wait, I thought you were hanging out with her tonight.

ANJA: No, I lied about that. Jaylynn didn't want anyone to know where she was.

LYNNE: So why did you tell me?

ANJA: Because I...oh, peanut butter! I ruined the whole thing!

LYNNE: You really need to start swearing.

ANJA: Lynne, you need to keep this to yourself. If Jaylynn finds out I told you of all people, she'll kill me!

LYNNE: Relax, sis. At this point, she's probably making an ass of herself anyway so I don't care.

ANJA: Hey, it's her first real party. Give her a chance.

LYNNE: But I don't want to. I just wish I could be there to see what a mess she is.

SCENE 15

Trevor's Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

("HUMBLE." by Kendrick Lamar plays in the background)

A few of the partygoers are dancing to the song and Jaylynn tries to join them with her slam dancing, but they all immediately stop dancing as soon as they see her moves and just bob their heads to the music.

JAYLYNN: What the hell? You know what, guys? I'm sorry. I'm not used to beats like this, I'm sorry.

Jaylynn looks around and sees that no one is dancing, but just talking to each other and using their phones. Jaylynn sighs and goes to the kitchen where she sees KG making out with Denise.

JAYLYNN: Damn, bro, don't swallow her.

KG and Denise immediately stop making out.

KG: Jaylynn, what are you doing here?

JAYLYNN: Checking out the refrigerator for something good. What about you?

KG: Well, obviously, I'm not trying to stop Plankton from stealing the secret formula, am I?

JAYLYNN: No. Why would I think that?

DENISE: Hey Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: How do you know who I am?

DENISE: Well, RK's told me so much about you.

JAYLYNN: He has? Did he ever call me a bitch?

DENISE: No, but he did say you're quick to confront people. Like you're doing now. How did you get invited to this party?

KG: Jaylynn, just go. Now.

JAYLYNN: You don't wanna know how I got here. But it's kinda lame. I'm going to leave you guys alone so you can make babies.

Jaylynn leaves the kitchen at that point.

DENISE: Why did you want her to leave? I like her.

KG: She's just a little girl. She doesn't need to be exposed to our world, our lifestyle, our heritage.

Beat.

DENISE: KG, it's a house party, not Game of Thrones.

Jaylynn walks towards the TV that several kids are watching.

VOICEOVER: We now return to 20/20, with limited commercial breaks.

BOY #1: God, I love limited advertisements!

JAYLYNN: What's going on here?

TREVOR: We're watching 20/20. Tonight, they're interviewing the guy that created Shark Week!

JAYLYNN: But why? You can do that any time. It's a party for God's sake!

GIRL #3: Bitch, do you have a problem with Shark Week? My dog died during Shark Week, what's the matter with you?

JAYLYNN: Don't call me out my name, bitch! It's you guys acting like a bunch of antisocial squares!

BOY #2: Look, just chill out. Have a beer, relax.

JAYLYNN: I don't drink.

BOY #2: Oh, do you guys hear that? The chick hasn't had her first beer yet.

TREVOR: Guys, this isn't the time! My watch is set an hour behind. I hate Daylight Savings Time!

JAYLYNN: Look, dude, I don't drink anything, okay? So just leave me alone.

BOY #2: I hate girls like you. I always have. Stupid little girls that try to start shit and can't even let a guy have a taste.

JAYLYNN: You better stay the f*** away from me.

The boy pours some of the beer down Jaylynn's throat and she screams. She then punches the boy hard in the chest and storms out of the house. Beat.

TREVOR: Oh no, Detective Samsung is going to kill me.

SCENE 16

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is by herself crying when KG walks in.

KG: Hey, what happened back there? I heard about some girl that ran out of the party.

JAYLYNN: Well, you found her. So can you please leave me alone instead of trying to brag?

KG: Brag? About what? About you being humiliated?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. You said it would happen, and it happened. I thought I could handle being more mature and I couldn't. I was the same outcast I've always been.

KG: You're not an outcast.

JAYLYNN: Please, I don't fit in anywhere. I'm practically banned from my hometown, I don't fit in with the guys half the time, and I just got beer poured down my throat because I didn't want to be reminded of what happened to my mom. I'm just born to be a loser.

KG: Jaylynn, what happened tonight wasn't your fault. Like I said, some high school kids get invited and they end up ruining it for everyone.

JAYLYNN: And how would you know that?

KG: Because I used to be you. I remember my first day of eighth grade. This girl invited me to a party with high school and college kids. I thought I was hot shit. Then I show up and by the end of the night, I'm getting tossed down the stairs by a drunk dropout who stuck bacon up his ass for a living.

JAYLYNN: Um...okay?

KG: See, what that girl did was just invite random dudes to make fun of them in front of everyone. I wish I had told you that earlier so you would have second thoughts about going to Trevor's party.

JAYLYNN: Well, never again. Those guys didn't even know how to party.

KG: Why did you care so much about going anyway?

JAYLYNN: Because I feel like my life is boring. I'm ten years old. Nobody takes you seriously, you can't get a tattoo, and every TV show that's made for you uses the same damn fart joke 97 times. I thought you guys had it made.

KG: Trust me, Jaylynn. You guys have it made. That's why I didn't even want to change back after I drank that serum Wade made. You have so much time to mature and go to parties and shit. Just enjoy your life now so you have something to look back on.

JAYLYNN: You know what? You're right. The people at the party were watching TV just like the guys...were. I have to go, but thanks for looking out for me.

KG: Hey, if you're RK's friend, you're going to get that older brother support.

JAYLYNN: So how come you never talk to Sparky about anything?

KG: Hey, if he wants to act like a celebrity around me, that's his business.

SCENE 17

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: You know, Modern Family's an alright show. I mean, I wouldn't watch it on my own time, but with you guys, why not?

BUSTER: Yeah. But I really like Phil. He's hysterical.

WADE: Honestly, I think it's overrated, but it's cute.

RK: Personally, I think the show will stand up as an excellent piece of contemporary Americana, and has a style that transcends generations.

Beat.

SPARKY: Okay, what the hell's been going on with you? You've been talking like a newspaper critic all night.

RK: Well, if you bastards want to know the truth, I was doing all this for you.

WADE: For us? What are you talking about?

RK: Look, the other day, when I realized I was the only one who didn't know about Modern Family, I was embarrassed. I'm the TV guy for a reason. I felt like if I learned everything I could about the show, you would keep your respect for me.

BUSTER: You wanted to impress us? That's so cute.

RK: It's not cute, it's a failure. I failed you guys again.

SPARKY: RK, just because you didn't know what Modern Family was, doesn't mean you're a bad person or we were ashamed of you.

RK: Seriously? So you really don't think any less of me?

WADE: No, you weirdo. Even if you stopped watching TV or sold Earl to a pawn shop, you're still RK.

RK: Well, I'm glad to hear that. You guys really know how to make me cry.

SPARKY: So now that that's settled, what do you really think about Modern Family?

RK: Well, the theme song is amazing. There's that.

Jaylynn walks in at that moment.

BUSTER: Hey, Jaylynn's back!

SPARKY: How was your night with Anja?

JAYLYNN: Eh, it was okay, but I told her I had to go. I wanted to be with you guys tonight.

WADE: Well, there's always room for you on the couch. Grab a seat.

JAYLYNN: Thanks. I just wanted you guys to know that I love you.

SPARKY: We love you too, Jaylynn.

Jaylynn takes a seat right between Buster and RK. She then gets a text from RK that reads, "I know what you did tonight." RK then sends a screenshot of KG's Facebook page that shows a picture of him at the party with Jaylynn in the background. Jaylynn texts him with, "Please don't say anything." RK replies with, "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me." Jaylynn then texts back "Thank you." Cut to RK being filmed in Sparky's room, Modern Family-style.

RK: Obviously, I could have told Sparky, Buster, and Wade what Jaylynn was really up to, but that wouldn't have done anything for me. I just felt like she needed a message. Just a little reminder that, "Hey. I'm still here."

Cut to Bitch Clock holding the camera.

BITCH CLOCK: I don't get why I'm doing this.

RK: And I don't get why you think six Budweisers are a balanced breakfast but you don't see me questioning it.

The Modern Family theme song starts playing in the background as we see the scene transition to Sparky holding up a picture frame of RK while he, Buster, and Bitch Clock stand in front of the MacDougal house. The scene then transitions to RK holding up a picture frame in front of his house while Wade and KG stand next to him. The scene then transitions to Jaylynn holding up a picture frame in front of her house while Anja, Halley, Ashley, and Gilcania stand next to her. The last shot is of the eleven characters smiling in front of a white background while Sparky tries to flip the last picture frame over but drops it and breaks it. Everyone groans in annoyance.

RK: THAT WAS THE 29TH TAKE, MAN!

SPARKY: Shit. Well, we're not doing this again. Good night, everybody.

Cut to black.

("Gorgeous" by Kanye West featuring Kid Cudi and Raekwon plays over the end credits)

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS