Disclaimer: Nothing related to Naruto belongs to me- except for this storyline. This is mine!

Warnings: Slight shounen ai, angst and a horrible cliffhanger! I know, I'm a horrible person! Hate me, love me, what can you do?

Losing Balance

"I'm not like that…"

Those were the only words lingering on Genma's mind as he sat in his darkened apartment drinking shochu alone. Those four words had sent his world, and his heart and soul along with it plummeting to the floor. No, further than that. They'd fallen into the darkest pits of desolation and despair.

And all because of one stupid mistake.

Genma drained another shot of shochu, and waited for the buzz that would follow. It wasn't like him to drink alone. Hell, everyone knew that it wasn't good to drink alone, because everyone felt the same way when they did- like you were there, but the party was somewhere else. Lonesome was the word for it.

Genma had never been one of those people who got depressed when he was drunk. He was the first to admit that he loved a good time. Drinking, partying- it was his forte.

But now, things had turned into a definite downwards spiral.

All his hurt, all his misery and pain had gathered into a painful clump in his chest which was threatening to consume him. Right now, he wouldn't mind letting it. He felt like crying. He was a god-damned jounen- an elite who carried out life threatening S-class missions, who killed and stole and made a living out of death, and here he was on the verge of tears because of a simple heartbreak.

He was pathetic. No wonder Raidou had rejected him like he had. He was the lowest of the low, lazy, perverted (much like Kakashi in that respect) and with no manners or class to speak of. Raidou could do so much better than him. Obviously he thought so too.

The difference between him and Kakashi was the fact that something in him had caught Iruka's eye, and things had progressed from there. Now they were living happily together. Not that they didn't deserve it. They'd live lives of hardship and it was about time that his friends found a little happiness for themselves.

Genma on the other hand, hadn't lived a terribly painful life. He hadn't lost all of the people he loved, and although loss was a big part of a shinobi's life, not many of Genma's important people had been taken from him. He still had his dad and his sister. His former team mates were alive and well, he had friends to keep him company, to make him laugh and to keep the loneliness at bay. He'd had his fair share of lovers. He had a best friend. No, he corrected himself, he used to have a best friend. Who'd made it abundantly clear that he didn't want to anything to do with him anymore.

Once again, he'd managed to drive his love interest away (an uncanny ability of his, it seemed). No, scratch that, his long term love interest. They'd been other lovers that he'd cared for,and had been attached to, but it had always been Raidou. Deep down, he'd known it all along. He'd just never paid it any attention. And when he finally had, he'd not only killed any chance he'd had of a relationship, but he'd also lost his best and most reassured friends. He had other close friends, but none of them even held a candle compared to Raidou.

"God, what's wrong with me!" He half whispered, half sobbed as he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying in vain to quell his tears.

"Stop being such a fucking drama queen."

Raidou was a good person, one of the best anyone could hope to know. He wasn't cruel, or nasty or vindictive; he was warm-hearted, honest and kind. So why had he said those things?

"I'm not…I'm not like that. All this time, that's what you've thought of me? You're unbelievable. Go away, Genma. I don't want to see you right now."

So he'd left, unable to bear the sight of such disgust and disbelief on his face.

And here he was, drinking himself into oblivion and trying to forget. So far it wasn't working too well.

From his sprawled position in front of the couch, he could see the dark velvet of the night sky out the window. A few lonely stars blinked mournfully at him, as he downed another mouthful of Shochu. The window was letting in frigid autumn air, but he made no move to get up. Even in his crumpled and dirty uniform, half of which was disgaurded by now, and despite the bitter cold, he wasn't going to move. Perhaps he'd stay in the same spot until the painful aching in his heart melted away.

He'd be sitting there forever then. There would be no one else for him, he knew. Because Raidou was the only person he knew how to love so completely like this. He was the only person he could ever love.

Genma finished his glass, his head lolling back against the couch. The front door opened, but Genma still didn't move. Could be thieves, come to steal everything from right under his nose. He didn't care. The only thing that really matter was gone now.

A small flame of hope ignited- maybe it was Raidou, coming to sort things out between them. He squashed it ruthlessly. It wasn't going to happen. No point in getting his hopes up now.

And he was right. In the vague light spilling in from the window, Kotetsu's familiar face materialized. No doubt he'd been sent to see how he was doing. Izumo worried like that; so did Kotetsu, but not in to the same extent.

"Care to join me?" His words sounded slurred, even to his own ears.

Kotetsu made his was over to him, carefully avoiding empty bottles and disguarded clothing with the grace that only jounin and Anbu possessed.

"How you doin', buddy?" Kotetsu asked as he crouched beside him.

"Not too bad, Tetsu-kun. Been better though." Genma replied, taking a gulp straight from the bottle this time.

Kotetsu gently took it away.

"I don't doubt. I think you've had enough for now. C'mon, lets get you into bed, hmm?"

Kotetsu pulled Genma's arm over his shoulders and levering him up from his position on the floor.

"Wasn't s'pposed t' be like this, Tetsu. S'pposed to be different, ya know?"

"I know, buddy. Careful now."

His friend helped Genma navigate across the messy floor and to his bedroom, before setting him down on his bed and starting to strip him of his dirty uniform.

"It's my fault." Genma continued. "Shoulda done things different."

"It's not your fault, Genma. You did nothing wrong." Kotetsu said, a bit sharply as he expertly manuverred him into a pair of sweat pants.

"No, 'twas my fault. I shoulda known. He's too good for me."

"No ones too good for you Genma." His friend murmered as he got Genma under the covers and settled him in. "Sleep it off, Genma. We'll talk in the morning."

Genma buried his face in the pillow, sinking into oblivion with that face and those words haunting his thoughts.

The violent pounding in his head was almost enough to make him scream. As it was, he barely managed a hoarse groan as he staggered halfblind to the bathroom.

Retchin your guts out wasn't the best way to start the new week, he reflected as he turned on the shower taps.

Leaning against the cool tiles under the hot spray, it all came back to him in one painful hit, seeping into his hangover fogged brain. Hollowly, he washed his grimy body and turned off the taps.

Now he'd have to put himself back together (or at least try to) and figure out how to continue on.

Pulling on a pair of fade jeans and leaving his hair unbound, Genma trudged into the kitchen, nurturing his pounding head in one hand. Kotetsu was putting together a hasty breakfast for them as Genma slumped himself down at the table.

"Hey. How're you feeling?"

Genma shrugged wordlessy, feeling so very listless and drained. He could find no words to express how incredibly depressed and hurt he was feeling. Lotetsu handed him a cup of hot black coffee, and put a bowl of cereal before him. Genma merely stared into the murkey depths of his coffee.

"What are you going to do now?" Kotetsu asked slowl, watching him carefully for any cracks, any sign of the depths of his emotions.

He shrugged again. "What I normally do, I guess."

Kotetsu didn't say anything, but he did get him a couple of aspirin which he swallowed without water, feeling them force their way painfully down his tight throat.

"Bet you're feeling pretty down right now, huh?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah."

"Come and stay with me and Izumo for a few days; get out of this apartment for awhile."

Genma finally took a big gulp of the strong coffee, but still couldn't meet Kotetsu's eyes. He didn't want to see the sympathy or the compassion that was there. He didn't need that right now. But he also didn't want to be alone either, and the latter definitely outweighed the former.

"I'd like that."

The days passed with agonizing slowness for Genma. After holing himself inside Kotetsu's and Izumo's apartment for a few days, he finally steeled himself to face the outside world once more. His friends were nothing but encouraging , and although he was grateful for their support, he couldn't help but think that no one knew what he was going through.

The same old clichéd bullshit that he knew wasn't true.

He refused to inflict his misery on others- this mess was his fault, and his alone. He'd gotten what he'd deserved for his brief moments of impulsiveness, and so he locked away that pain deep within his heart for a rainy day's scrutiny.

Genma began to smile once more, but even to him, they were utterly fake and forced. He was completely see-through, and his friends could see it too. Thankfully, they didn't comment. Because they knew him so well, they stood back and let him struggle on by himself, ready to catch him should he need the help, but prepared to wait and see what would happen. He was searching for a way to heal himself, and so far he had found no miraculous cures. No sudden insight had struck, no great revelations. So he continued on to the best of his ability.

A week and a half later, he strengthened his resolve and began to take missions again.

He was standing in line, waiting to receive a mission, when the aching loneliness settled around him. Normally, Raidou would be with him, talking and laughing as they waited together. Now he was alone, and all too aware of the subtle glances other shinobi were sending him. They all knew. He could see it written on their faces as plain as day.

Genma turned away and stepped forward to accept a mission, but his eyes caught on something and held.

Raidou.

Stanind across the crowded room watching him. Obviously, he'd just returned from a mission, for there were rips and tears and burn marks on his uniform. A mission scroll was clenched in one fist, as he looked at Genma with unreadable eyes.

Genma felt his pain (which he had been ignoring quite successfully) return in fierce waves. He still loved him, despite all that had come between them. A galaxy could be between them, and he would not stop loving him. The pain was worse than any physical wound.

And he was incredibly, incredibly lonely.

Genma felt the urge to get completely smashed again.

Tearing his eyes away from what he thought was the most beautiful man in the world, Genma forced a smile to his face, despite the sharp pain in his chest.

"S-class, please." He told the chuunin behind the desk.

They'd been friends since before their days at the academy, although Raidou was a few years older. They'd grown up together. Everyone knew that wherever you'd find one, the other would always be there too. They came as a set, like brothers. They'd gotten into unusual amounts of trouble together, everything from pulling pranks, and disobeying adults, to using their shinobi skills to steal.

Genma had a talent for getting into fights. Raidou would always be there to back him up. Raidou could be hot-headed at times. Genma was always there to keep things from getting too out of hand.

Whatever the situation, they were there for each other, through thick and thin, through hell and high water.

Raidou had always been the more sensitive one. He was more receptive to other people pain, and out of the two of them, he was more likely to get hurt. Genma had always tried to shield him from the worst of the hurts. And Genma had always been there to comfort Raidou when he got his heart trampled on. Raidou was always to help fix his mistakes…

So where was he now? Genma blurrily looked around. Where was that sunlight gone? It was there, he knew it was. He'd seen it, so it couldn't possibly be gone. What was it called again?

Ah. Raidou. Pretty, pretty Raidou.

He had to get back to that sun. Back into that light once more. Just once.

Genma reached forward and dragged himself up another step, trying unsuccessfully to ignore the agonising pain screaming through his body.

Just a little bit further. He could see the door now. Just a little more.

Another step, and another. And then he was on flat ground once more, with the green door only metres from where he lay.

Sunlight…his body felt cold. So very, very vold, and Genma wanted that sunlight again.

Groaning and with dark spots dancing crazilt before his eyes, Genma used his unbroken arms to drag himself to the door, where he collapsed on his side.

There was a thick trail of blood left on the stairs- no doubt from the gaping wound on his stomach. He was holding it together with his broken arm. There was no feeling in his legs anymore- not only because they'd broken them, but also because he'd hurt his back when he'd tumbled down that rocky incline.

There was countless other wounds on his body. They'd done a good job on him. Professions, he smiled dimly as he banged clumsily on the door with the last of his strength.

That sunlight had better be worth all the pain. Really, when he thought about it logically, it was the sunlight's fault. So warm and inviting…lured him in and held him prisoner. He'd had no choice in the matter and it was hardly fair.

The door opened; after a stunned moment of silence, Genma could hear a frantic yelling, before he was jolted rather painfully from his half-conscious bliss.

"Genma…can you hear me?"

"Course I can hear you, Zumo, 'm not dead." He mumbled, liking the feel of the string arms supporting him. Safe, at last.

Iaumo managed a strained chuckle. "Glad to see you're still you."

"Always, 'Zumo-chan." He closed his heavy eyelids, wanting to sleep. It didn't even hurt anymore, not really.

"Stay with me, Genma. Stay with me," Izumo called desperately.

" 'm here, 'm here." The words slurred out of his mouth. His tongue felt heavy, and his head woozy. Was he drunk?

"What a piece of work they did on you." Izumo noted in a choked voice

"Came out o' nowhere. Didn' see 'em an…"

"Shhhh. Don't talk now. Help's coming. You just stay awake, you hear?"

"I hear."

"Fuck! Move Raidou!" Another voice hissed. Kotetsu.

He rushed to his other side, towels in hand to stop the blood.

"Where the fuck is all this coming from!" Kotetsu cursed.

Genma managed to rouse himself slightly, as something pressed against his stomache.

"Raidou?"

Sunlight. Where was his sunlight? It couldn't be far away now, could it? He needed to be warm again.

"Raidou?" he called again, trying to shift so he could look.

"No, stay still, Genma. Don't move." Izumo said, before looking over his shoulder. "Raidou, stop standing there like a fucking retard and get over here!"

Another person was near his hear now, and he turned his fuzzy eyes that way. Genma blinked, trying to clear the fuzz away.

A familiar face.

"I'm here, Genma," a wavering voice told him.

With his good hand, Genma reached out and touched the scarred face, smiling faintly- his muscles didn't seem to want to respond very well any more. So it wasn't a full smile. Oh well, it would have to do.

"Sunlight.." he whispered with some difficulty. "Don' leave…"

Tears…why was there rain now? It shouldn't be raining.

"Baka. You're inside. There's no sunlight." It was sad with a teary smile.

Pure radiance. Warm now.

Genma began to drift on lazy currents of warm light. All was okay now. The sunlight was back.

"You're sunlight. Don' leave 'gain…"

Unable to keep his eyes open anymore, he closed them, as the world spun away from him. But the sunlight was still there- he could feel it's warmth. He was home…

"Genma? Genma! Genma!"

Does he die, or doesn't he? Who knows? I sure as hell don't! I'm still trying to decide if I should write a sequel or not. What do you all think?

Hope you enjoyed it!

Thanks for reading!

Ja Ne!