"I'm sorry, Harvey. I just had to know."
He couldn't move. His legs were frozen in place. He couldn't breathe.
"I just had to know."
Her words echoed in ears, repeatedly playing like a soft mantra. But that was nothing compared to the feeling in his chest. His heart was pounding, beating rapidly against his own will as he still felt the ghost touch of her lips against his.
Shit, he thought. The past couple of months washed over him like a bucket of ice water. What the hell had he been doing? Had he really been that blind? No, you were just a fucking coward.
He had kept telling himself that he was happy with Paula, and he was… for a little while. She was kind, attractive, smart, but not Donna, a little voice would always remind him. But he couldn't go there, not after all this time, not after the other time and her rule and everything else that had happened between them throughout the years and more-so recently.
She had lied to him, told him she already knew about him and Paula, that she was happy for him, and shit if that hadn't stung on some level. What the hell did you expect? She's your best friend, she wants you to be happy just as much as you want her to be.
But then she had told him that she lied, that it had bothered her, and he felt like he could breathe just a little bit easier for only selfish reasons, and he hated himself for it.
And then she handed him her keys. To his apartment.
It had all just felt so final. He didn't know why he gave them to Paula. They had barely been dating, two months, according to her.
He hadn't kept track. So when she told him it was their anniversary and Donna's keys were burning a hole in his pocket just like the one he felt resided in his heart, he just gave them to her. Happy anniversary.
And then Donna had been subpoenaed and he couldn't think of anything else but her- protecting Donna as much as he could like he always did, like he always will. No questions asked.
"I don't feel threatened by you having another woman in your life that you care about."
"I'm sorry, Harvey."
Shit. Shit.
…
Donna didn't think, she just lunged for him. She hadn't planned on it, wasn't thinking how she was going to kiss him the moment she saw him. They were going to talk. She was going to tell him how she felt. And then-
He walked into her office and any and all forms of logical thinking flew out the window.
"Tell Harvey how you feel." Mike's words kept replaying in her mind just as Louis' did. She couldn't wait any longer. She didn't want to have regrets.
And now, as she sped walk to get to the elevators, she kept mentally chastising herself.
She didn't regret the kiss, she just hated herself for waiting too damn long to do so.
She finally reached the elevators and pressed hard on the 'down' button, willing the metal contraption to appear before her as quickly as possible.
What the hell is taking so long?
She glanced behind her and almost regretted her decision when she saw Harvey swivel around to face her from her office.
Shit.
"Donna!" His voiced echoed through the firm and she was grateful that the room was now empty at this late hour. "Donna wait!" His voice grew as he jogged his way over to her.
She pressed the elevator button again. It opened.
"Donna…" His voice was breathless as he caught up to her, hand immediately holding the elevator door, preventing it from closing.
"Not now, Harvey." Came her response as she stepped inside the elevator.
"Donna, why? Wh- what the hell was that?"
"That was a kiss, Harvey." Her reply was quick and sharp, anger and hurt in her voice.
Harvey sighed. "I know it was a ki-" He couldn't say the word. "Why did you do it? Why now? Why-"
"I just had to know, okay?" Her head shot up to face him, sending a glare his way that was only overshadowed by the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Know what?" He questioned softly.
Donna shook her head. "How I felt about you."
A tense-ridden silence overcame them.
"And how do you feel?" Harvey finally spoke.
"You know, Harvey." Donna scoffed, trying to look anywhere but at him right now.
"No, I don't. You can't just- you can't kiss me and then leave without an explanation."
"What, like you told me you loved me and then left?" She shot back.
"Or how you told me you loved me and then left?" Harvey's voice was an octave higher, anger now rising in him.
"Stop, you know that's not the same." Donna shook her head.
"Isn't it? You tell me you love me and then you leave for Louis." His voice held disgust, not for the man himself, but for the feelings the whole memory brought back.
"I came back." Donna told him, voice breaking.
"Still doesn't change the fact."
Donna let out a humorless laugh. "Change what? The fact that the minute I said I wanted more you went off and started seeing your ex-therapist, Harvey? Change the fact that you didn't tell me and then I had to walk around knowing that you were with her and-" Donna cursed herself as she felt more tears welling up in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Harvey." She echoed her own words from earlier.
"Do you regret it?" Harvey asked softly.
"Regret what?" Her reply was tired and defeated.
"Regret kissing me?"
Donna just shook her head. "No, I don't."
"Then why-"
"Because you're with Paula, Harvey. And I knew this when I kissed you, but I just- I had to know." I had to let you know, she thought to herself.
She felt herself on the verge of breaking down, but she wouldn't. Not now, not in front of him.
Harvey let her collect herself before she continued.
"Louis came to me, earlier, before you came in." Her voice was calmer now. "And he started telling me how he couldn't let go of Shelia, how she was his soul mate, and how he was going to watch her marry some other man and he couldn't do it. He knows it's wrong because she's with someone else, someone she chose to be with, but it still hurt him. It still hurt him to see that the woman he loved got to be with someone else and how he would regret not doing anything about it for the rest of his life because he didn't want to lose her." Donna was surprised at the way her voice remained in check. "And I didn't want to regret not trying, didn't want to not fight for us." She finished softly.
Harvey's eyes remained locked on hers, unable to move or say anything else.
Donna cleared her throat. "So now you know."
Harvey subconsciously brought his arm down. "Donna…."
She gave him a weak, sad smile. "I did my part, Harvey. Now you have to decide what you want."
The elevator doors closed in front him, leaving him with just his own reflection and thoughts.
…
Harvey shuffled into his apartment hours later, after staying at the firm longer than usual just to collect his thoughts, trying to make sense of everything that had happened. But nothing made sense anymore.
Except how you feel, a little voice kept telling him.
He scoffed at himself as he made his way further into his loft, setting his briefcase on the kitchen island.
A part of him always knew there was something there. He knew he loved Donna, and that she loved him. They had voiced this out loud. But he never allowed himself to think in what way exactly.
Donna's words still haunted his thoughts and the pain in his chest was overwhelming.
It wasn't the beginning of a panic attack, though. It was a realization that-
"You're home late." A familiar voice shook him out of his reverie and his head shot up.
Paula.
"I thought you would've been done hours ago." She stood in the living room, hands clasped together in front of her.
Had she been waiting for him all this time? Here?
Harvey finally found his voice. "I- uh- I got caught up in the case."
Paula eyed him warily. "Are you alright? You're looking pale. Did something happen with Donna?"
"What?" His head shot up again, voice holding a tone of something akin to panic.
"With the trial? Did something happen?" Paula questioned.
"Oh." Harvey sighed. "No- yes. It's um, a long story."
"I've got time." She gave him a smile.
Harvey pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, feeling the wave of a migraine starting to take over. "Not now, Paula. It's been a long day. Maybe tomorrow. I just need-" He waved his hand in the direction of his bedroom, signaling his desire to end the conversation.
Paula nodded. "Alright." She waited for Harvey to start heading into his bedroom when she followed suit.
Harvey stopped in his tracks. "Actually, Paula, I need to be alone tonight. If that's alright." Harvey finished, now facing her.
Paula was quiet for a moment and Harvey silently hoped she wouldn't argue with him. He couldn't take it tonight.
"Harvey, what's going on?" Came her response, voice laced with something he thought may be irritation or impatience with a touch of concern.
Sighing, Harvey shook his head. "I don't- I can't talk about it."
"Can't talk about it because it's about the trial or won't talk about it because it's about Donna?"
"I don't know what you want me to say." Harvey was annoyed now. He didn't want to deal with this now, tonight, with her.
"How about the truth, Harvey?" Her arms were crossed, voice calm but eyes piercing right through him.
Harvey shook his head. "I-" He didn't know what to say. Donna kissed me. He couldn't get the words out, he didn't want to hurt her, but he didn't want to keep lying to her. To himself.
Paula nodded, defeated. "When you figure it out, you call me." She turned around and started heading toward the front door.
"She kissed me." Harvey finally spoke, chest tight with anticipation of her response.
Paula stopped walking, back still facing Harvey.
"Donna kissed me." Harvey spoke softly, now saying the words in full, out loud… he felt a weight being lifted and dropping all at once.
Turning around to face him, Paula's face was almost stoic. She didn't look angry. She didn't even look surprised.
"I'm so sorry." Harvey continued. "I came into her office and she just-"
"She kissed you." Paula finished for him.
Harvey nodded. "But I didn't stop her. I didn't push her away. I- I couldn't-"
Paula nodded again, tears slowly welling up in her eyes, but unwilling to let them fall. "What did she tell you?"
What?
"What?" Harvey asked.
"Donna- before or after she kissed you. She must've said something? Or did she leave it up for interpretation?" Paula's words held annoyance as she spoke them.
"She said she was sorry. And that she just had to know." Harvey replied quietly.
"Know what?" Paula countered.
"How she felt about me."
"And how does she feel?"
Harvey suddenly felt like he was in therapy again. Being questioned about his feelings and being asked to recall situations just so they could be analyzed. He shook his head. "I don't- I don't know."
"Like hell you don't Harvey. I told you, she loves you." Okay, now she sounded upset.
"And I told you I didn't have feelings for her." Harvey replied, exasperation in his voice.
"Actually you didn't. You never denied anything, Harvey. Deep down, you've always known."
"Known what?"
Paula just stared at him, a sad smile on her face. "You know, Harvey. Just like you know you've been projecting your feelings for her onto me."
"That's not-" But he couldn't finish that sentence because he knew she was right. He couldn't deny it.
Harvey sighed. "I'm sorry, Paula."
She shrugged. "I shouldn't have let this go on for as long as it did. I knew how you really felt, but, a big part of me hoped that I was wrong. Guess I wasn't." She finished softly.
They stood for a moment in silence, just taking in everything that had transpired in the last few minutes.
"You deserve to be with someone who loves you, Paula." Harvey finally spoke.
"And you deserve to be happy, Harvey. Stop running from your feelings. Don't waste any more time." Paula smiled at Harvey one last time, hesitating as she contemplated kissing him goodbye before she thought better and turned around to let herself out.
She stood at the door. "Tell her soon." And with that, she was gone.
…
Donna poured herself another glass of wine, a sigh escaping her lips as she felt another tear slip from the corner of eye again.
She had spent the better part of the last hour crying, as the ramifications of what she had done earlier kept hitting her in waves. Sitting on the couch with her legs crossed, white satin robe wrapped around her, she looked off into the distance, wondering what would come of them now.
She'd be lying if she said she wasn't scared. Scared of losing him. This is why I had this rule. This is why we could never go there. As much as it hurt to see Harvey with someone else, knowing he would be going home with another woman every night, knowing that she wasn't always the reason for his happiness… at least she still had him in her life. He was her friend, her best friend. But now….
Donna stood up, placing the now finished glass of wine on her coffee table before starting to head into her bedroom when she heard a knock.
She froze.
A couple more knocks followed suit.
It couldn't be…?
She walked over to the door, grabbing the door knob, she held her breath and opened.
Clad in his work suit, sans tie, hair ruffled, stood Harvey Specter. The bags under his eyes made it seem like he hadn't slept in days.
"Harvey, what-" Donna's words were suddenly swallowed by his lips on hers, body stumbling backwards as the full weight of him enveloped her. His arms wrapped around her, quickly stabilizing her, keeping her balanced in place. Just as quickly Donna's hands automatically made their way to his chest.
His lips moved with hers, matching a rhythm like no time had passed from the other time. Harvey leaned into her further, cradling her face with one hand, deepening the kiss-
"Harvey wait-" Donna's hands pushed against his chest, creating a barrier between them without fully separating them. He still held her, his arms securely wrapped around her still, breath mingling with her own.
"What is it?" Harvey's voice was soft against her own, his nose touching hers, sending shivers up and down her spine in the process.
"We can't-" Her voice broke.
Harvey's brow furrowed. "Why not? Earlier you-"
Donna nodded. "I know, but, Harvey, you're with someone else." She shook her head, disbelief written all over her face.
Harvey shook his head. "Not anymore."
Now Donna look confused. "I don't understand." Her head was foggy, her arms and legs felt like jello, and if it hadn't been for Harvey holding her, she was sure her legs would've given up on her.
"Paula and I," He could feel her body stiffen at his ex's name. "We just broke up." His eyes kept wondering from her kiss bruised lips to her hazel eyes.
Donna always prided herself for always knowing what to say, what to do, but in this moment she couldn't find the words.
"Donna?" Harvey asked, concern written in his face as his best friend only continued to stare at him.
"Why?" She finally asked.
Harvey's head tilted to the side. "You know why." He told her softly, and Donna was hit with a flashback to another time.
"Why?"
"You know why. You know I love you, Donna."
"Tell me." She told him anyway, finally gaining more confidence in her voice again.
"Tell you…?" Harvey inquired.
"Tell me why. Again." She searched his eyes, almost challenging him to make another goddamn move.
Harvey's hand moved to cradle her cheek, fingers gently caressing her skin. "You know I love you."
Donna felt her lips slowly turning upward into a smile. She tilted her face, a cheeky grin now taking over. "Do you now?"
Harvey smiled, his eyes crinkling as he pulled her closer than before. "Yeah, took to me too damn long to realize."
Donna smiled almost sadly now, at what they could've lost, at what they almost didn't become.
"Ditto." She whispered, sending him one last smile before she closed the gap between them again.