This was written for a very special someone. You know who you are!

"You're not badass enough, Eliwood," everyone jeered. "With your pussy little rapier and kindness. You are sooooo generic and boring and knightlike! You're a bad fighter! That's why everyone likes Hector and Lyn more than you. Kind lords with rapiers are soooo cliche. Eliwuss, Eliwuss!"

Eliwood sighed. They were right, of course, if popular opinion dictacted something of course it had to be true. After all, only other people could decide for you the kind of person you were! He needed a makeover right now, in order to gain the respect and love of people who didn't deserve it.

So he got rid of his boring Blue Lord Outfit and traded it in for a kickass midnight blue longcoat and loose pants. Capes were for wusses, anyway. He slicked his red hair back with a generous dollop of grease, to make it look darker and shinier. Finally, he threw his rapier in the trash and rifled through the supply until he found a Wo Dao, which he could now mysteriously use. Basically, he looked like a red-haired Karel.

Now he needed a personality makeover. Kindness and open-minded understanding were for naive losers, cool kids were mean and jerky to everyone they met and prided themselves on using insults to make weaklings cry. They also swore. So Eliwood practiced his badass scowl and insult skills until he had successfully made himself cry. Then he dried his tears and swore he would never cry or show any emotion again outside of rage. Emotions and crying were for pussies.

"Now to go show everyone the new me," he growled, and shoved his way out of the tent.

-x-

The army gasped in shock as they laid eyes on the new Lord Eliwood.

"Eliwood!" Hector gasped. "What happened to you?"

"You dumbass, isn't it obvious?" Eliwood sneered. "I'm cool now, just like everyone wanted! No more being a pathetic little pansy!"

"But we never-"

"Shut up, dickhead." He smacked Hector upside the head.

"Owww! Eliwood, are you drunk?"

Ninian trembled in fear. This was not her kind and gentle Lord Eliwood, the one who had said he would always protect her and care for her.

"L-L-Lord Eliwood...w-w-w-what is this...? Y-y-you're not acting like-"

"Shut up, you useless girly dancer! I want a woman who can take up a weapon and fight from now on!" Eliwood snapped. "Only to throw it down and become a pile of spineless Jello under the new badass me."

Ninian burst into tears and ran off to get lost in the woods somewhere, while one Lady Lyndis finished cutting through many bandits and caught sight of the new Eliwood.

"Oh my!" she gasped. The sword fell from her hand, and she absolutely swooned at the sight of the red-haired Karel clone before her. "Eliwood? Did you do this...for ME?"

"Well, I did it to make the army respect me as a true manly man," Eliwood said. "But yes, I also did it for you. Because..." He posed dramatically. "I want you, Lyndis. Be my woman and have my babies!" he commanded. Lyn fell into his arms, going limp like a rag doll as her eyes sparkled.

"Oh, Eliwood!"

They kissed passionately in front of everyone.

"Lyndis, you'll come back to Pherae with me when this is over," Eliwood said. "We'll get married and have lots of babies, all sons. Because true manly men want sons."

"Oh, Eliwood, anything for you, my studly badass lord!" Lyn giggled.

Then a giant platypus fell from the sky and crushed them all. The end.