"WHAT THE HELL?!" Severus Snape exclaimed after opening an unmarked package on
Valentine's Day.
In front of him he was holding up pink frilly underwear and a matching bra. He looked up
at the nearby mirror. For a second, he thought of trying it on. He immediately rejected the
idea, disgusted about the thought.
"UGHHHH!" he grunted. "This is an INSULT! Dumbledore will hear about this."
Dumbledore was stroking Fawkes the Phoenix when Snape burst into his office.
"Finally!" Dumbledore cried.
"DUMBLEDORE!" Snape yelled holding up the lingerie.
"arkghghgnITWASPOTTERfghkghargt!"
"Now now Severus, we have no proof of that. I'm sure it was a joke. Lighten up."
Snape stormed out muttering "I don't care what he says. I'll prove it was Potter. I've got a
plan..."
The next day the 6th year Gryffindors were in potions. In the back of the class Harry
Potter was laughing hysterically at something his friend Ron Weasly had said.
"POTTER!" Snape snapped. "There shall be no laughing in my classroom. Bring your
things up front. Now."
Harry gave Snape an angry look but went up front like he was told. Snape leaned towards
Harry over his podium.
"I know perfectly well that it was you Mr. Potter. You should just admit it now if you
know what's good for you," Snape said quietly.
"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.
Without speaking, Snape used legilimancy on Harry. He saw Ron prancing around in a lavender dress yelling "I feel pretty!". He saw Neville Longbottom shutting a
porno magazine. He saw the know it all Hermione Granger giving Professor
Slughorn a lap dance. Finally he saw Ginny Weasly snorting a line of white dust.
He saw all of those memories but no proof showing Potter sent him the lingerie. So it
couldn't have been him.
Later at dinner Snape was twitching horribly. He still didn't know who sent the lingerie.
Suddenly Professor Sprout came up behind him and gave him on the back.
"Happy Valentine's Day Severus :D" she said cheerfully.
It was the first human contact he had ever had in a few months. He looked at her in
wonder.
Maybe it was her... Snape thought.
Snape looked at Professor Sprout again. She was old, plump and graying. She was
PERFECT for him.
"Hmm, you've got some nice sprouts there," Snape said as an attempt to flirt.
He licked his fork slowly while looking at her.
Sprout looked back at him concerned.
"Are you alright Severus?"
"Yes..." Snape replied, realizing he failed miserably. "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything
back for Valentine's Day."
"Huh? But I didn't get you anything..."
"FK!" he hissed. "Huh? What are you talking about, I didn't say anything at all."
"Oh, I guess my hearing aid is failing."
Snape got up from the table and left. He suddenly remembered the image of Ron Weasly dancing around in the dress. Snape hurriedly rushed to Dumbledore's side.
"Dumbledore," he said. "I know who sent me the lingerie. It was HIMMMMMMMMM"
Snape pointed right at Weasly.
Dumbledore said weakly, "Alright if you say so."
As the students were leaving the Great Hall, Snape stood outside waiting. He snatched
Ron by the collar when he walked by and slammed him into a wall.
"ADMIT IT WEASLY!" Snape roared.
"What in the world are you talking about?!" Ron yelped.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! You are the only student who has enough access to frilly
things to have sent it!"
Ron was beginning to blush bright red. "Harry told you about my dress?!"
"That is besides the point Mr. Weasly. I know that you sent me the lingerie."
"WHAT?!"
Hermione was standing behind Ron staring at him with hurt filled eyes. "Is this true Ron?"
"NO HERMIONE I SWEAR! I spent all my money on the underwear you're wearing!
You were there when I spent it!"
Snape let Ron go. This whole argument was getting a bit too odd for him.
"Fine Mr. Weasly, I believe it wasn't you. TO THE BAT CAVE!" He left with a fwooshing
sound.
In his the Bat Cave (a.k.a his office), Snape paced back and forth numerous times. All the
possibilities ran through his head. None of them made that much sense. Unless…
Perhaps I was sent the lingerie by accident. Some one must've been trying to send the
lingerie to the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Since Slughorn is the new teacher, that person immediately assumed that he would be the new D.A.D.A teacher not knowing
it'd actually be me. And the only person idiotic enough to do that is Flitwick. Yeah. It was
totally him.
Snape left his off- I mean the Bat Cave. He was going to confront Flitwick head on. This
information was perfect blackmail.
He opened the door to the Flitwick's empty classroom and pointed at Flitwick.
"I KNOW YOUR SECRET!" screamed Snape.
"Y-yo-you know?" Flitwick squeaked.
"Yes. Even a moron would be able to figure it out."
"Oh god, oh god! You can't tell anyone Severus, please!"
"And why can't I? Give me a good reason not to tell everyone!"
"Because! Severus, teaching doesn't pay enough. I can't possibly pay all my bills and have
enough money to live off of with a salary of teacher!"
….Does that mean he's a prostitute? Eh, I'll go along with it. "I suppose I understand but
with Slughorn?"
"He pays the best! He pays more than Ginny does, as much as she uses my services."
"Ew, the Weasly girl too?"
"Severus I will do anything so you won't tell. I have the finest cocaine you will ever-"
"YOU'RE A DRUG DEALER?!"
"I thought you just said you knew that!"
"NO NO! You were supposed to admit you're gay for Slughorn and sent him lingerie!"
"Ew. Slughorn is a bit too fat and chunky for my taste."
"…oh………. I'm just gonna leave now. I won't tell anyone about your…. Second job…"
"Thank you Severus."
It was back to square one for Snape once again. He examined the conversation with
Flitwick in his head, hoping it'd give him some more ideas.
Flitwick said that Slughorn wasn't his "type". I need to think of some one who would say
I'm their type…. Well I could always hope the sender was some one my type. I'd say my
type was James Potter but he died quite some time ago. The other one who's my type is…
Snape walked to his fireplace and threw in some Floo powder. He had put on the lingerie.
He was ready to get his man.
"Number 12 Grimmauld Place!"
Snape went into the bedroom he knew belonged to Sirius.
Sirius was very close to beating Snape to death. He usually wasn't in a good mood when
an ugly, hook nosed man woke him up wearing frilly underwear and a matching bra. Sirius
attacked Snape so viciously that it I'm not even going to say that much about the actual
fight, only Snape's injuries.
They were so terrible even magic couldn't heal him. He needed 938 stitches for the
numerous dog bites he received. Several of his limbs had to be amputated. He also had to
go to some counseling for his new irrational fear of hot black haired men.
During his stay in the hospital Dumbledore came to visit.
"Helloo Severus, I see your wounds are healing up nicely. Do you have any ideas for who
sent you that lingerie?"
"NOOOO I FKING GIVE UP I DON'T WANT TO GET BEATEN ANYMOREEE!!
HOLD MEHHHHH!"
"No I'm afraid I won't hold you Severus. I'm sure Sirius would volunteer though."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I'll be leaving now Severus. Have a good day."
Outside of the infirmary Dumbledore smiled to himself.
"Well that was a little boring," he mumbled. "I was hoping Severus would be more
determined to figure out the mystery. I hope my next victim is more fun."
Somewhere else in the world, Voldemort opened an unmarked package and screamed.