(A/N: I completely reloaded the story due to typos and such. It's a little
different. I warn anyone who might be soft stomached not to read this, much
sex & drugs. Almost makes ya nauseous. Well, enjoy!)
It was a cool, clear night, the only sounds outside were that of crunching leaves and breaking twigs, as two figures walked through the twilight. Breaking the near silence, someone spoke. "My dear, what if the others find out?" The voice was crisp and articulate, yet deep and rough. The next voice to speak sounded a bit like a child's voice. It shook as it spoke, whether from fear or the chilly wind seeping through his cloak, his companion could not tell. "Who will suspect? No one! Humans, their so oblivious to their surroundings." He let a snort of disgust escape him. "I suppose you're right my dear, just don't-" But suddenly, a third voice spoke, "So, you two thought you could betray him, well I'll have you know, Boromir is starting to suspect you two anyway! Pathetic, he comes up to me and says, 'Legolas, help, I think my dear Gimli is having an affair, with Pippin! The dratted hobbit!'" Gimli, a short & stout dwarf laughed nervously and said, "It was just a one time thing with Boromir, He always makes me do all the work in bed, considering I'm shorter than him, and I can reach his-" But Legolas cut him off with a sharp kick. "ENOUGH!"
Right when Gimli was about to decapitate Legolas for kicking him in the elbow, Boromir charged out from the trees, crying and looking mad. "Damn it man, ya hurt me, my feelings. Gimli, why are you so sexy, so irresistible, I almost could forgive you!" At the words sexy and irresistible Pippin smiled and nodded, and Legolas tried not to barf as he imagined a grunting Gimli with nothing but his helmet on. "Listen, Borey dear, I am in love with Pippin, Pippin is in love with me, go bang Aragorn." But Boromir just wailed and said "Aragorn's beard pokes me when we kiss, and he has a strange obsession with licking my underarms. It's so not cool." Gimli sighed impatiently, Pippin muttered, "he licks underarms!? So cool!" And Legolas rolled his eyes and said, "Fuck this, ya'll can have your little soap opera right here, I'm going back to camp." Legolas bounded out of the woods without waiting for the others responses. Forgetting his elvish gracefulness he tripped. "Ouch, hafta wash my hair again!" He slowed down as he approached the campsite. He heard some yells and shrieks and took out his bow. He slowly crept towards the camp fire and saw a giant figure, standing over a smaller one.
The larger figure appeared to be slapping the smaller figure in the head. Legolas sprinted out with a great yelp and fired many arrows at the figure. Suddenly, he stopped as he heard, "FUCK! MY ASS!" "Ok, I will baby." "No, someone shot my ass!" "Wow, I'm that good!" Legolas paused, from what he could here, Aragorn was banging Merry, Legolas shot Aragorn in the ass, and Merry had no clue what the hell was going on. "Who the hell shot me?" Screamed Aragorn in agony. Legolas ran over to Aragorn and said in sympathy, "Sorry, I thought you were molesting my hobbit friend here." Legolas laughed. Merry turned bright red as he desperately tried to cover himself with a leaf and Legolas laughed. "Shut the fuck up, you, you, assholes!" Said Aragorn in obvious pain. "Oh, feisty," Legolas spotted some chains lying coiled on the ground and once more laughed. "I suppose you weren't using these to capture orcs huh?" Aragorn winced and yelled for his lover. "Merry, please baby, remove the arrow from my ass, and I will lick your underarms!" Once more, Legolas tried to stop himself from hurling. It didn't work, he puked all over Merry. "EW!" Merry squealed poncing away with Aragorn.
"Gawd, the only normal ones here are me, Frodo, Sam and Gandalf." He shook his head in disgust and slowly drew himself up. He walked away, listening to the sounds of Aragorn crying and Merry muttering soothing words to him. As he approached the tent he heard some more incredibly unwelcome sounds. "Oh, Gandalf, I love your staff, It's so long! And so magical!" Legolas peeked in the flap to a sight that haunted his nightmares and daydreams. Frodo sitting on Gandalf's lap, both of them completely nude except for feathery boas and sparkly high heels. Frodo was sucking on Gandalf's staff (his wooden one, the magic one) which was covered in chocolate syrup. Legolas backed up slowly, with a look of pure terror on his face. He was completely transfixed on that one image, to transfixed to realize that he had just passed Boromir. "Legolas, was I a horrible boyfriend, did I suck? I mean anything other than dick?" Legolas stopped and muttered, "you're all fucking mad." Boromir wailed. Leaves rustled. The wind blew. Finally, Boromir spoke. "I guess Gimli just likes guys his height. I mean, I never really suck, he just sucked mine. So I guess I deserved it, for being a self- centered asshole."
Legolas sighed. "Leggy?" Muttered Boromir softly. "Don't call me that." Replied Legolas. "Soooorry! Listen, I'm scared. About two weeks ago, I had some fun with Frodo, and, er, he threatened to kill me if I didn't get you to have sex with him. What do I do?" Asked Boromir. He sounded genuinely scared and Legolas just sat. He mulled things over in his head. "Why would you be scared of a midget hobbit?" He asked. "This midget hobbit can shoot people, with his dingdong." Said Boromir. Legolas laughed so hard he thought he would pass out. "Ding-dong?" He laughed. "Yeah," he said sacredly, with his eyes wide. Legolas sat quite for a moment, but his thoughts were soon interrupted with "OH GIMLI, GIVE IT TO ME!" "Oh, Pippin, Jesus Fucking Christ, Love me baby!!!" "I DO, I LOVE YOU! WHEW!" Legolas wretched over a log. "Their really going at it huh?" Boromir said laughing and absentmindedly trying to cover up that his tight pants were bulging. All Legolas could think was, if I could shoot people with my dick, I'd have sex with them all. He got up and walked slowly to his tent. He washed his hair two times with Pantene Pro V and finally fell asleep.
Boromir's big boots made soft noises on the freshly rained on ground. The wind chilled his face, and turned his tears to ice. Gimli walked close by him, occasionally brushing against one another. Finally Boromir spoke, "How long are we going to pretend that we're not having some issues?" He asked solemnly. Gimli stuttered a bit, looked bashfully around and then sighed. "Bor-bor, I don't know where we, us, are at. I thought it was just a one time thing, I mean, look at me, I'm 4'6, and you're 6'4! Too much difference!" He said. "Listen Gimli, I know you want me, why pretend, why make up stupid reasons for us not to be together?" Asked Boromir mournfully. "Boromir!" Gimli whined. "Listen, I like Pippin, I, I love Pippin! For once can you hear me out, we have absolutely zero chance for establishing a relationship!" "But Gimli, I love you." Said Boromir. "You are acting childish, we can't have a relationship. It's not possible!" Argued Gimli. They were heading back to camp, and they had no idea exactly how close they were. The whole fellowship was laughing at them. All except Pippin, who was looking utterly scandalized. "Stupid-lying-bastard-ass!" He muttered as he stared hatefully at Boromir.
When Gimli came into sight, Pippin ran up to him. "Gim, baby, I thought the mean old bitch had molested you!" Legolas rolled his eyes, Sam was to busy staring at Frodo to look at them, Frodo staring at Gandalf, Gandalf staring back licking his lips and rubbing his staff. Aragorn was rubbing his ass and Merry was obviously taking it as a queue that Aragorn wanted something from him. Merry began breathing hard and Aragorn turned around. Merry licked his lips and Aragorn smiled. He whispered something in Merry's ear that made him giggle. The rest of the fellowship decided to leave in case they ended up witnessing some mad stuff going down on these rocks. Pippin and Gimli trailed off to the woods holding hands and kissing occasionally, the sight was rather sweet, yet incredibly sickening. Merry and Aragorn were now undressing one another. Boromir followed Legolas for some ways until Legolas turned around and whacked him in the head. "Oh! Sorry, thought you were Aragorn." Legolas lied. Boromir got up, rubbing his sore head and said "Listen, Legolas, I really like you. You're everything I want in a man." He said.
Now Legolas had tried to ignore his feelings that Boromir liked him, but he knew he probably did. "Er, uh, GROSS!" He said using the first thing that popped into his head. But deep inside Legolas only thought of how much he wanted to hold Boromir. "No, I am not gay!" He thought to himself. He had been traumatized by past relationships. The time he was raped, by Saruman. Legolas shuddered and Boromir looked scandalized. He began to cry loudly as he scampered away. Boromir sat alone on a giant log for some time. He thought about how much he loved Legolas. And how much Legolas now hated him. Boromir heard a terribly loud yelp and ran as fast as he could to camp. He barged into the first tent from where the sound had come. He looked in on Aragorn and Merry making love wearing chicken hats and something that oddly looked like mustard across their chests. There was a collar on Aragorn's neck that had tags saying "Mer's boy." Boromir muttered his apology as Aragorn covered up and the little hobbit exhibitionist Merry let all hang out. Boromir sat outside the tent listening to the two having fun and he felt so lonely. His heart like a bloodless lump of coal beating needlessly against his chest.
Suddenly, Frodo leapt out from behind a tree. "Boromir you god damned sick frickin puppy, have you gotten Legolas to agree to fucking me or not!?" He demanded. "Not yet, he's not gay." Muttered Boromir repressing a wail of sorrow. "Well I'd think not, no one here is gay! Anyway, Gandalf's staff broke, I've lost interest in him and Aragorn said my underarms taste like Lady Speedstick deodorant so I'm not going for him. Gimli's one ugly mofo if I do say so myself. And." Frodo continued in this manner until he'd insulted everyone but Legolas. "So, as you can see, he's the one for me!" Boromir sighed. "I'll work on him Frod." "How many fucking times do I have to tell you not to call me Frod?" Boromir replied thickly, "Sorry Frodo." The moment Frodo left Boromir pulled out some pipe weed. He smoked a hell of a lot of it and by the time Legolas came to admit his feelings Boromir was swinging on a pole naked singing "Hit me baby one more time." Legolas backed up looking scared and Boromir flew off the pole and next to him. "Pippin, would you like a jack rabbit to suck on? Or a mirror to bang, yeah, I LOVE LEGOLAS! Pippin, tell Sauron my mommy needs child support. Legolas!!!"
"Shhhh," Said Legolas soothingly stroked Boromir's hair. Legolas pulled up Boromir onto his back and carried him to his tent. There he undressed him and put some different clothes on him. The whole time Boromir was muttering "where are your utters? I must milk the cow!" Aragorn and Merry walked in and Aragorn pointed out the obvious. "He's majorly stoned Legolas." Merry just looked at Legolas with pity. "You like him don't you?" Legolas blushed and didn't answer. "Legolas." "Yes okay? But Frodo will kill him if I go out with him!" He said his eyes glazing over as he stared lovingly at Boromir. "Then we'll have to kill Frodo first, by using his own weapon against him!" Frodo sat quietly staring out at the lake. He got majorly bored so he took out his dick and began shooting birds in the sky. Today the fellowship was gonna be moving away from their long time camp. They were planning on climbing some mountain. He heard someone behind him and he turned around. "Legolas. I knew you'd come sweety. Who can resist this luscious, sugar coated body? You look like you could use some fun, eh? Come here Legolas; let your body speak for you." He said surveying the elf hungrily.
(A/N: No one ever reviews for me, guess my story just sucks, well, it's fun for me and I suppose that's all that matters. See ya next time!)
It was a cool, clear night, the only sounds outside were that of crunching leaves and breaking twigs, as two figures walked through the twilight. Breaking the near silence, someone spoke. "My dear, what if the others find out?" The voice was crisp and articulate, yet deep and rough. The next voice to speak sounded a bit like a child's voice. It shook as it spoke, whether from fear or the chilly wind seeping through his cloak, his companion could not tell. "Who will suspect? No one! Humans, their so oblivious to their surroundings." He let a snort of disgust escape him. "I suppose you're right my dear, just don't-" But suddenly, a third voice spoke, "So, you two thought you could betray him, well I'll have you know, Boromir is starting to suspect you two anyway! Pathetic, he comes up to me and says, 'Legolas, help, I think my dear Gimli is having an affair, with Pippin! The dratted hobbit!'" Gimli, a short & stout dwarf laughed nervously and said, "It was just a one time thing with Boromir, He always makes me do all the work in bed, considering I'm shorter than him, and I can reach his-" But Legolas cut him off with a sharp kick. "ENOUGH!"
Right when Gimli was about to decapitate Legolas for kicking him in the elbow, Boromir charged out from the trees, crying and looking mad. "Damn it man, ya hurt me, my feelings. Gimli, why are you so sexy, so irresistible, I almost could forgive you!" At the words sexy and irresistible Pippin smiled and nodded, and Legolas tried not to barf as he imagined a grunting Gimli with nothing but his helmet on. "Listen, Borey dear, I am in love with Pippin, Pippin is in love with me, go bang Aragorn." But Boromir just wailed and said "Aragorn's beard pokes me when we kiss, and he has a strange obsession with licking my underarms. It's so not cool." Gimli sighed impatiently, Pippin muttered, "he licks underarms!? So cool!" And Legolas rolled his eyes and said, "Fuck this, ya'll can have your little soap opera right here, I'm going back to camp." Legolas bounded out of the woods without waiting for the others responses. Forgetting his elvish gracefulness he tripped. "Ouch, hafta wash my hair again!" He slowed down as he approached the campsite. He heard some yells and shrieks and took out his bow. He slowly crept towards the camp fire and saw a giant figure, standing over a smaller one.
The larger figure appeared to be slapping the smaller figure in the head. Legolas sprinted out with a great yelp and fired many arrows at the figure. Suddenly, he stopped as he heard, "FUCK! MY ASS!" "Ok, I will baby." "No, someone shot my ass!" "Wow, I'm that good!" Legolas paused, from what he could here, Aragorn was banging Merry, Legolas shot Aragorn in the ass, and Merry had no clue what the hell was going on. "Who the hell shot me?" Screamed Aragorn in agony. Legolas ran over to Aragorn and said in sympathy, "Sorry, I thought you were molesting my hobbit friend here." Legolas laughed. Merry turned bright red as he desperately tried to cover himself with a leaf and Legolas laughed. "Shut the fuck up, you, you, assholes!" Said Aragorn in obvious pain. "Oh, feisty," Legolas spotted some chains lying coiled on the ground and once more laughed. "I suppose you weren't using these to capture orcs huh?" Aragorn winced and yelled for his lover. "Merry, please baby, remove the arrow from my ass, and I will lick your underarms!" Once more, Legolas tried to stop himself from hurling. It didn't work, he puked all over Merry. "EW!" Merry squealed poncing away with Aragorn.
"Gawd, the only normal ones here are me, Frodo, Sam and Gandalf." He shook his head in disgust and slowly drew himself up. He walked away, listening to the sounds of Aragorn crying and Merry muttering soothing words to him. As he approached the tent he heard some more incredibly unwelcome sounds. "Oh, Gandalf, I love your staff, It's so long! And so magical!" Legolas peeked in the flap to a sight that haunted his nightmares and daydreams. Frodo sitting on Gandalf's lap, both of them completely nude except for feathery boas and sparkly high heels. Frodo was sucking on Gandalf's staff (his wooden one, the magic one) which was covered in chocolate syrup. Legolas backed up slowly, with a look of pure terror on his face. He was completely transfixed on that one image, to transfixed to realize that he had just passed Boromir. "Legolas, was I a horrible boyfriend, did I suck? I mean anything other than dick?" Legolas stopped and muttered, "you're all fucking mad." Boromir wailed. Leaves rustled. The wind blew. Finally, Boromir spoke. "I guess Gimli just likes guys his height. I mean, I never really suck, he just sucked mine. So I guess I deserved it, for being a self- centered asshole."
Legolas sighed. "Leggy?" Muttered Boromir softly. "Don't call me that." Replied Legolas. "Soooorry! Listen, I'm scared. About two weeks ago, I had some fun with Frodo, and, er, he threatened to kill me if I didn't get you to have sex with him. What do I do?" Asked Boromir. He sounded genuinely scared and Legolas just sat. He mulled things over in his head. "Why would you be scared of a midget hobbit?" He asked. "This midget hobbit can shoot people, with his dingdong." Said Boromir. Legolas laughed so hard he thought he would pass out. "Ding-dong?" He laughed. "Yeah," he said sacredly, with his eyes wide. Legolas sat quite for a moment, but his thoughts were soon interrupted with "OH GIMLI, GIVE IT TO ME!" "Oh, Pippin, Jesus Fucking Christ, Love me baby!!!" "I DO, I LOVE YOU! WHEW!" Legolas wretched over a log. "Their really going at it huh?" Boromir said laughing and absentmindedly trying to cover up that his tight pants were bulging. All Legolas could think was, if I could shoot people with my dick, I'd have sex with them all. He got up and walked slowly to his tent. He washed his hair two times with Pantene Pro V and finally fell asleep.
Boromir's big boots made soft noises on the freshly rained on ground. The wind chilled his face, and turned his tears to ice. Gimli walked close by him, occasionally brushing against one another. Finally Boromir spoke, "How long are we going to pretend that we're not having some issues?" He asked solemnly. Gimli stuttered a bit, looked bashfully around and then sighed. "Bor-bor, I don't know where we, us, are at. I thought it was just a one time thing, I mean, look at me, I'm 4'6, and you're 6'4! Too much difference!" He said. "Listen Gimli, I know you want me, why pretend, why make up stupid reasons for us not to be together?" Asked Boromir mournfully. "Boromir!" Gimli whined. "Listen, I like Pippin, I, I love Pippin! For once can you hear me out, we have absolutely zero chance for establishing a relationship!" "But Gimli, I love you." Said Boromir. "You are acting childish, we can't have a relationship. It's not possible!" Argued Gimli. They were heading back to camp, and they had no idea exactly how close they were. The whole fellowship was laughing at them. All except Pippin, who was looking utterly scandalized. "Stupid-lying-bastard-ass!" He muttered as he stared hatefully at Boromir.
When Gimli came into sight, Pippin ran up to him. "Gim, baby, I thought the mean old bitch had molested you!" Legolas rolled his eyes, Sam was to busy staring at Frodo to look at them, Frodo staring at Gandalf, Gandalf staring back licking his lips and rubbing his staff. Aragorn was rubbing his ass and Merry was obviously taking it as a queue that Aragorn wanted something from him. Merry began breathing hard and Aragorn turned around. Merry licked his lips and Aragorn smiled. He whispered something in Merry's ear that made him giggle. The rest of the fellowship decided to leave in case they ended up witnessing some mad stuff going down on these rocks. Pippin and Gimli trailed off to the woods holding hands and kissing occasionally, the sight was rather sweet, yet incredibly sickening. Merry and Aragorn were now undressing one another. Boromir followed Legolas for some ways until Legolas turned around and whacked him in the head. "Oh! Sorry, thought you were Aragorn." Legolas lied. Boromir got up, rubbing his sore head and said "Listen, Legolas, I really like you. You're everything I want in a man." He said.
Now Legolas had tried to ignore his feelings that Boromir liked him, but he knew he probably did. "Er, uh, GROSS!" He said using the first thing that popped into his head. But deep inside Legolas only thought of how much he wanted to hold Boromir. "No, I am not gay!" He thought to himself. He had been traumatized by past relationships. The time he was raped, by Saruman. Legolas shuddered and Boromir looked scandalized. He began to cry loudly as he scampered away. Boromir sat alone on a giant log for some time. He thought about how much he loved Legolas. And how much Legolas now hated him. Boromir heard a terribly loud yelp and ran as fast as he could to camp. He barged into the first tent from where the sound had come. He looked in on Aragorn and Merry making love wearing chicken hats and something that oddly looked like mustard across their chests. There was a collar on Aragorn's neck that had tags saying "Mer's boy." Boromir muttered his apology as Aragorn covered up and the little hobbit exhibitionist Merry let all hang out. Boromir sat outside the tent listening to the two having fun and he felt so lonely. His heart like a bloodless lump of coal beating needlessly against his chest.
Suddenly, Frodo leapt out from behind a tree. "Boromir you god damned sick frickin puppy, have you gotten Legolas to agree to fucking me or not!?" He demanded. "Not yet, he's not gay." Muttered Boromir repressing a wail of sorrow. "Well I'd think not, no one here is gay! Anyway, Gandalf's staff broke, I've lost interest in him and Aragorn said my underarms taste like Lady Speedstick deodorant so I'm not going for him. Gimli's one ugly mofo if I do say so myself. And." Frodo continued in this manner until he'd insulted everyone but Legolas. "So, as you can see, he's the one for me!" Boromir sighed. "I'll work on him Frod." "How many fucking times do I have to tell you not to call me Frod?" Boromir replied thickly, "Sorry Frodo." The moment Frodo left Boromir pulled out some pipe weed. He smoked a hell of a lot of it and by the time Legolas came to admit his feelings Boromir was swinging on a pole naked singing "Hit me baby one more time." Legolas backed up looking scared and Boromir flew off the pole and next to him. "Pippin, would you like a jack rabbit to suck on? Or a mirror to bang, yeah, I LOVE LEGOLAS! Pippin, tell Sauron my mommy needs child support. Legolas!!!"
"Shhhh," Said Legolas soothingly stroked Boromir's hair. Legolas pulled up Boromir onto his back and carried him to his tent. There he undressed him and put some different clothes on him. The whole time Boromir was muttering "where are your utters? I must milk the cow!" Aragorn and Merry walked in and Aragorn pointed out the obvious. "He's majorly stoned Legolas." Merry just looked at Legolas with pity. "You like him don't you?" Legolas blushed and didn't answer. "Legolas." "Yes okay? But Frodo will kill him if I go out with him!" He said his eyes glazing over as he stared lovingly at Boromir. "Then we'll have to kill Frodo first, by using his own weapon against him!" Frodo sat quietly staring out at the lake. He got majorly bored so he took out his dick and began shooting birds in the sky. Today the fellowship was gonna be moving away from their long time camp. They were planning on climbing some mountain. He heard someone behind him and he turned around. "Legolas. I knew you'd come sweety. Who can resist this luscious, sugar coated body? You look like you could use some fun, eh? Come here Legolas; let your body speak for you." He said surveying the elf hungrily.
(A/N: No one ever reviews for me, guess my story just sucks, well, it's fun for me and I suppose that's all that matters. See ya next time!)