A/N: Before you flame, or read, I just want to say that I think Gravity Falls is a great show and I admire the effort Alex Hirsh and the writers put into it. But you see, other times I'm also a sadistic bastard whose one of the main purposes on this site is to mock things. Even the greatest things must be mocked at some point, according to me :) So ha.
Again, I think Gravity Falls is amazing. So I'm not hating on it. Keep that in mind while reading this.
Disclaimer: I may have a twin sister, and that's all I have in common with the creator of the show. We definitely don't share the same creativity which I lack of.
Dipper and Mabel visit some library somewhere in MADEUPIFALLS to get to the bottom of the LAPTOP found in INTO THE BUNKER. Look at all those nods of continuity!
"Oh, man! I can't wait to boot up this computer, break the privacy rule and finally unleash all of the owner's secrets! I just hope he hasn't saved a lot of uncomfortable slash fics on it." Dipper says.
"SURPRISE, SURPRISE, you need a PASSWORD, suckers!" The laptop mocks.
"Oh no, I knew it was too good to be true." Dipper says gloomily.
"Don't worry, bro. With our precocious wit and courage, we can crack the supposed plot-centered password together! And nothing will distract us!" Mabel cheers, fist in the air.
"Please don't tell me you're gonna subvert that line and want to do something that will leave me to do all the IMPORTANT work as usual." Dipper displays his craftiness.
"Yes I am, and I can use that ponytail guy over there as my subversion MacGuffin!"
"Crap."
Intro: CRYPTOGRAMS, CRYPTOGRAMS, CRYPTOGRAMS, HIDDEN MESSAGES, HIDDEN MESSAGES, CRYPTOGRAMALICIOUS! SUBLIMINALITY!
Mabel procceeds to cheat on Mermando and Sev'ral Timez simultaneously by FLIRTING with the living MACGUFFIN.
"Hello, I'm Gabe." Her new crush says.
"Oh noo, you are? And I finally thought I could romance up a guy again…" Mabel sighs.
"No, I mean, my name is Gabe. Gabe Bensen."
"Oh, okay. It's easy to mishear."
"Don't worry, I'm used to it. So you like puppets. Cause I like them. Puppets are awesome in every which way, I love them, they're larger than life itself. So if you don't have any interests in puppets, I will never speak to you again. Maybe you should get the hint and stay away from me for your own good."
"I'm sorry, what? I got lost in your eyes."
"Well, I warned you once. So you throwing puppet shows? Cause I like them."
Dipper is out of ideas for plausible passwords and is already using a DICTIONARY.
"So, Dipper, I'm gonna ditch you, my dear brother I know more than myself, for some random guy I barely know and is probably not worth the effort. But what the heck, it's summer, you will help me right?" Mabel says with a puppy dog face.
"Oh, alright. I'll help you for the umpteenth time and not expect anything in return, because you're my sister and I love you." Dipper said, scratching his head embarrassedly.
"I just know that line is going to bite me in the bum in this episode." Mabel mutters.
"Note also that we never explicitly agreed that you would help me out."
"That means more time to impress ponytail man!"
"Why aren't I objecting?"
So they spend ONE WEEK on working with something just to impress a guy who's obviously a PICKY JERKASS. Mabel isn't seen helping Dipper with the password during this montage, SO SHE AVOIDS SEALING THE DEAL, NOT THAT THERE EVER WAS A DEAL.
Dipper sits on the roof where there's no ELECTRIC SOCKET, risking the laptop to die out. He talks to himself.
"Shucks, if only there was a way for me to figure out the password! But it's not like some cliché villain is gonna appear and offer me help in exchange of something. I really, really, really want that passwo- what's that sound?"
The adult audience SCREAMS IN DELIGHT at the sight of Bill Cipher appearing awesomely by the shape of a moon, whilst the little kids in audience never processed anything beyond PUPPETS.
"I can offer you a deal where I will give you the password." Bill tempts.
"Screw yourself." Dipper responded with hostility.
"Okay. But I will be here if you need me."
"Piss off already."
Bill Cipher DISAPPEARS, making it look like it was all a dream.
Adult Audience: WHAT THE FUUUU- THAT WASN'T ENOUGH SCREENTIME!
Kid Audience: It's just a cartoon.
Adult Audience: SHUT UP!
The next day Dipper seeks Mabel to DISCUSS what happened the night before.
"Mabel, I had a dream last night with Bill in it."
"Oh boy, not keeping that kind of information to yourself, are you? Puppets!" She erupts cheerfully, an absent look on her face.
"No, I meant he was offering a deal where he would give me the password in exchange for something. Like I would ever trust Bill, right?"
"Like I give a crap. Puppets! Help me with my puppet show! Puppets! I need a therapist after this whole ordeal. Puppets!"
"I feel too it wasn't necessary to tell you this." Dipper mumbles.
"Puppets! By the by, what did he want in…EXCHANGE?"
"MABEL!" Dipper blushes.
Gabe comes by to meet Mabel and her friends. Note that he is wearing his PUPPETS. PUPPETS, KIDS.
Kid audience: WE GET IT.
"So this girl sucked because she did a humane flaw with her puppet show, and I blocked her number because she sucks. I know you won't suck as a human being, Mabel." Gabe says hopefully.
Mabel GULPS. Gabe LEAVES.
"We must up our game in order to impress that jerk! Girls and Dipper, work harder, same pay!" Mabel says panicky.
"You couldn't help that, but that won't prevent me from being mad at you! Screw this, I'm out!" Dipper tries to leave but is held back by Mabel.
"Oh come on, I'm your sister, it's you duty to help me! Do what I say now!"
"Oh not this time your guilty talk won't get to me it won't!" Dipper shakes his head and heads off angrily.
Dipper ditches his SISTER in need to play DX BALL on the la- oh crap, it has a password. Forgot. Must solve it first. He does some Mabel hating, cause haters gonna hate.
"Goodness gracious, I hate Mabel. Mabel sucks. I hate her. Worse human being than Joseph Mengele and Adolf Hitler combined, because she's that bad. I hope she won't be around, because if she does I will kick her double standard ass. Because I hate her."
"HAHA YOU FAILED TOO MANY TIMES. GAME OVER, SUCKER. Now I will self-destruct instead of notifying a possible password change via message. TROLLING IS BOSS!" The Laptop taunts.
"Oh no! I'M DOOMED! What do I do now?"
BILL CIPHER comes in on CUE to try to smooth the situation out. ALSO CUE SCREAMS IN ADULT AUDIENCE AGAIN.
"You know the drill…A frightening, vicious demon like me just wants a cute puppet to play with is all. Don't think too hard on that one." Bill claims.
"Uh, my in-character suspicions tell me this is a bad idea, and you're probably tricking me with words in a smart manner. But what the heck; I'll lend my common sense to the power of audience surrogation!" Dipper exclaims.
They SHAKE HANDS, and BILL CIPHER DRAGS OUT DIPPER'S SOUL FROM HIS BODY, TAKING IT OVER.
"Holy moly, I'm outside my body! If the whole thing didn't look so cartoony, kids in audience would practically realize I'M BEING POSSESSED BY A DEMON. Glad it is; kids shouldn't have a head start in 'Exorcist' quips."
Bipper destroys the computer unmercifully while laughing evilly.
"Oh, no! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? This means that the laptop was useless to the plot all along!" Dipper yells angrily.
"Oh, boy! Haha, a body feels great! I've always known that I've been a kinky masochist deep down and now I can finally live it out! Hehehehe." Bill stumbles on his new feet.
Bipper SLAPS HIMSELF.
"Dang, inflicting pain on myself is hilarious! Yes, oh yes baby, does it feel GOOD." Bipper coos.
"Hoo boy, is this gonna give Rule 34 artists some really nasty ideas." Dipper sweats.
Random in-between commercial
ANNOUNCER: CASH MONEY IN THE CAR WITH THE HONEYS!
LAS VEGAS WILL BE SURE TO GIVE YOU A GOOD TIME.
NOW, WHO WANTS TO VISIT CONSPIRAC-IED, SUPERNATURAL-FILLED, DANGEROUS GRAVITY FALLS?
TAKE YOUR PICK!
AUDIENCE: GOSH, I-I DON'T KNOW…
ANNOUNCER: NICKI MINAJ LIVES IN VEGAS, YOU'LL HAVE A CHANCE TO MEET HE-
AUDIENCE: GRAVITY FALLS, DUH. EASY PICK.
ANNOUNCER: GRAVITY FALLS – A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN TRUST NO ONE.
AUDIENCE: OH STOP! YOU'RE MAKING ME WANT TO GO THERE RIGHT NOW!
ANNOUNCER: COMING OUT IN SUMMER 20- I MEAN, BUY YOUR TRAIN TICKETS TODAY.
End commercial
"Haha, I took over your body and I'm gonna go destroy your journal! Not that I couldn't before, just using a body is way funnier! Heehee!" Bipper chuckles.
"But you didn't seal your end of the bargain! Creatures like you are known to not be able to do certain things unless you seal the deal. How are you able to do this to me in the first place and-"
"MAGIC, kid." Bipper interrupts. "See and fuck you."
BIPPER stumbles down the stairs and miraculously doesn't break his neck.
"So where is that journal anyway, kid?" Bipper asks, not expecting an answer.
Down the kitchen he does more pain-inflicting via a drawer and forks.
"Oh sweet mama, I feel great, baby. I never want to be a flying creature ever again! Oh yes, bruise me up good, honey!"
"I swear the internet just exploded." Dipper mutters.
Bipper eventually finds out where it is THANKS TO MABEL BEING A TROLL.
"Oh man, this is easier than I thought! By the way, kid…if you want someone to notice you, you can use any empty vessel you want." Bipper informs.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Use that info, dammit. It's plot-relevant."
At the theatres, Bipper sits with Wendy, Soos and Stan to watch Mabel's show. Mabel approaches them to chat a bit.
"I'm completely calm while saying this, but I didn't prepare a reverend to hold the journal and I really need one. Organization is boring." Mabel says, smiling goofily.
"Huh, what luck! This is way easy! It's like someone ploughed the road for me, asking me to purloin the damned quire!" Bipper speaks to himself, fiddling evilly.
Bipper turns to Mabel.
"Fine, I'll do it. Unorganized moron." Bipper insults.
"Perfect! By the way, your narrowed pupils make you look like a cute kitten."
The real Dipper growled at that. 'Nobody should be called a cute, sneezing kitten but me!' Dipper stared in realization of what he had just thought. 'Wait, did I just think that?'
The show begins and Mabel begins to sing with her puppets.
Puppet!Mabel:
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart
So why don't I have a boyfriend?
Well, f*ck
It sucks to be me
Puppet!Gabe:
No, it sucks to be me!
Puppet!Mabel:
It sucks to be me!
Puppet!Gabe:
You're good at this, will you be my girlfriend?
Puppet!Mabel:
It no longer sucks to be me!
At the break, Dipper pulls a DEMONIC POSSESSION of his own on a puppet so Mabel can notice him.
"Holy shit, it's Kermit the Frog!" Mabel points in awe.
"No, you idiot! I'm not!" Dipper scowls.
"Elmo? Bert? Ernie?"
"No, I'm Dipper! Listen, Bill is possessing my body and you need to get the journal so I can return to it. Got that?"
Gabe comes in through the backstage…DUH.
"You don't suck as a human being after all, Mabel. Let's meet after the show, but only if you nail the ending flawlessly, otherwise I'll hate you forever and wish you get run over by a truck, then buried in a junkyard and have rats urinate all over your grave." Gabe says, completely calm and his smile never falling from his face.
"You got it, hotshot! You're so the best guy ever!" Mabel swoons.
Gabe leaves and Mabel realizes she wants to be SELFISH.
"Aww, gee, Dipper I would love to help, but I would much rather try to impress a guy who's behaving like a real jerkface instead of saving you, my dear brother and best friend right now. I can't believe I don't hear myself sounding like a monster. The Cookie Monster."
"I went too easy when I said you were Mengele and Hitler combined!"
MABEL agrees to help him anyway, but laughs in his face and doesn't feel worried at all that he may be staying a soul forever. THAT HER TWIN MAY BE STAYING A SOUL FOREVER. Try not to hate Mabel for this, or think that she's a SOCIOPATH, her behavior is justified, we promise!
…I didn't convince you, did I?
Kid and Adult Audience: NO! Hey, we finally agreed on something!
Dipper takes over for Mabel's stupid, less-important play because IT'S FUNNY. He uses puppets of Mabel and Gabe and makes them MAKE OUT.
"Somehow I'm not disturbed at performing my sister's first puppet tongue session with a guy she doesn't know." He says and continues to make them frisky with each other.
Mabel hops onto a stage-board-thing, let's call it THE SPROING, takes the journal and tries to find a way to EXORCISE BILL OUT. Boy, how did this get on a Disney show?
Bipper pulls up THE SPROING, and smiles evilly at Mabel, holding a rope that keeps THE SPROING up.
"Holy shit! You're the Phantom of The Opera! But I did great so far…" Mabel faded out.
"No, I'm not, you idiot! Why do you always assume we're celebrities because of the excessive amount of references in this episode? Besides, I'm Harry Powell." Bipper corrects.
"I'm not supposed to point it out? I'm doing some service here for Disney, considering the kids in audience don't get half of the creepy references." Mabel comments.
Kid Audience: Yes, we do get the creepy references! We're not stupid!
Adult Audience: That's exactly what we're worried about.
Kid Audience: That we're not stupid?
"Back on topic, you're a selfish prick. There, that a la make you want to give me the journal!" Bipper curled his fingers, gesturing he wanted the book.
"Sigh…yes, but calling me a selfish prick has made me realize I should save Dipper!" She puts on a brave face.
"Crap, I should've called you a mindless goat." Bipper mopes.
They struggle for a while in THE SPROING, making them crash onto the floor of the show, making the audience (in-universe now) gasp but not do ANYTHING ABOUT THE FACT THAT TWO TWELVE-YEAR OLDS ARE FIGHTING ON STAGE.
"Ha, I could sell my nephew and niece fighting to death on eBay!" Stan grins.
SERIOUSLY. WHERE IS THE DAMN SECURITY?
Mabel runs around being a troll, and audience in-universe looks on shocked.
"Trollolololl! You know nothing about the body! Troolollololliolllllipop!"
"Ah, I don't know anything about the human body despite having possessed people before! And medical school didn't pay off either, I guess. I'M SCREWED!" Bipper says, feeling exhausted.
"And you haven't slept for 24 hours!" Mabel teases, well informed, somehow.
"I've only had this body for less than half that time, and how…ahhh all of your illogical side comments are making me DIZZY! CUUUURSEEE YOOUUU!" Bipper screams, almost about to faint.
"The power of incoherence compels you!" Mabel yells.
Bipper falls straight to the floor, and Bill flies like Batman in space out of the body, so Dipper can plot-conveniently REPOSSESS his own body again.
"Hah! I'm back in my body again! I'm not possessed anymore!" Dipper cheers happily.
The theatre is destroyed by ILLEGALLY-PURCHASED DYNAMITES.
"BOO, HAPPY ENDINGS! LAME!" The audience (in-universe) shouts in dissatisfaction.
The black-comedy preferring audience leaves the theatre promptly.
"Well, what do you expect in an opera, a happy ending?" Mabel asked the fourth wall.
"Especially not if I get my spear and magic helmet!" Dipper speaks with w's.
Kid Audience: Oh SHUT UP! We're getting tired of the references!
"You've mocked my porn preferences! I'm gonna decide your epitaph when you die, and keep rats to make them piss on your grave!" Gabe yells indignantly.
Gabe leaves in some kind of FRUSTRATION.
"Look, Dipper, I've realized that I've been a bastard to you. I spent a week obsessing over a dumb guy. But the dumb guy I should've obsessed over…was you! Bap!" Mabel apologized lovingly.
"Very heartwarming. Now, let's cut to the credits before the kids realize the heavy implications in those words."
CREDITS: CRRRRRYYYYYYPTOOOOOGRAAMMMMSSS...
The TV is shut off by the parents, who turn to their children expectantly.
Parents: So kids, what did Gravity Falls teach you today?
Kids: Twincest is Wincest!
Parents: ?!
Kids: …Bros before hoes?
Parents: THIS DAMN SHOW NEEDS TO GET BANNED! BANNED, WE SAY!
Adult fans prepare their grenades upon hearing those words.
Adult Fans: It's war, bitches.
Alex Hirsh: I didn't mean for any of this to happen! PLEASE, STOP IT, ALL OF YOU! *cries* CAN'T YOU REALIZE WE'RE ALL ONLY HUMAN!
THE END
A/N:
Me: So that was my way of affectionate mockery. Reviews would be much appreciated. I hope you got the Avenue Q reference ;) And tons of other references...
Dipper: This was horrible!
Me: *sigh* It's true I sort of find you annoying sometimes, but what the heck, you're adorable, come here.
Dipper: I'm not adorable! I'm a man! A manly man!
Mabel: Dipper, I saw you crying to 'The Fault in Our Stars'.
Dipper: And there goes my good reputation out the window.
Stan: Don't worry, kid. You can glue your dignity back together by some Mystery Shack Glue! Only 4 dollars!
Dipper: No, Grunkle Stan. I wont buy anything.
Stan: Huh? I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the readers.
Me: Hey, no ads in my fanfics! *sigh* Anyway, thank you for reading, if you are reading this text at all, and have a nice weekend.