I was only out of the office for an hour. I had a few errands, things that I didn't really want everyone else to know about. I wasn't wearing an ear bud so I was surprised to find Parker bouncing on her toes just inside the door. Not really in the mood for Parker's nonsense, I push past her and into the kitchen for a cuppa tea. Parker follows me close behind. "Sophie. Sophie. Sophie!" Finally I give in. "What Parker" I ask. She stops and takes a step back away from me. "Umm…Tara's been calling me. She's looking for you." "Why on earth would she call you instead of just calling me?" I wonder. I pull my cell phone out and try to turn it on. "Damn it! It's dead!" I say tossing it so that it bounces along the counter. "Hey!" Hardison calls from the other room. "that there is a delicate instrument. It should be treated as such." I glare at him and he decides to let it go.
"What did she say Parker?" I ask. "Well. She said 'where the Hell is Sophie?' and then she said 'Parker you need to go find her' and then I said "I don't know where she…." "Parker!" I interrupt her. "Tell me what she wanted, why did she call?" Parker opens her mouth to talk again. "And if you say she was looking for me I'm going to have to…well I don't know what I might do but I'll do something" Her mouth snaps shut. She thinks for a few seconds then slowly opens her mouth to talk, checking for my reaction. I widen my eyes at her and she correctly reads the threat in my eyes. "Um…she wanted me to tell you something." I wait. "Parker!" She takes a breath and says, fast as she can "Tara said to tell you she was leaving and she didn't know when she would be back and you weren't answering your phone and she was mad but then she had to go and…." She tries to catch her breath. "And she wanted me to give you something." She moves toward me quickly, taking me completely by surprise. Her hands go onto my shoulders as she presses her mouth to mine. Instinctively I open my mouth and she needs no encouragement. The kiss becomes very intimate as she pulls me closer to her. I close my eyes and let myself enjoy what is quite the passionate kiss. When she's finished, she pushes me away, her hands still on my shoulders. "Bloody Hell Parker! What was that for?" She gives me one of her looks, the one that clearly implies that she is the only sane person in a world full of crazy. "Tara told me to give that to you" she says lightly as she turns and walks away.
I am still standing in the middle of the room, my mouth open. Hardison sidesteps me as he makes his way to the fridge. "Parker…she…Parker kissed me." I try to tell him. He smiles as he passes with his bottle of orange soda. "Yeah she does that sometimes. You'll get used to it." I can't think of anything else and slowly shake my head.
I try to concentrate on work but between staring at my cell phone and worrying about Parker, I don't get much done. Hardison charged my phone and went looking through all of my voice and message folders but doesn't find any message from Tara. I shoot Parker a look when he tells me that and she just stares back at me innocently. I have no doubt Tara told her to give me a kiss for her. Only Parker would misunderstand the meaning of that so badly.
Nate shows up in the office mid-afternoon. It's obvious that he drank more of his lunch than he ate. I follow him up the stairs to his room. "Not now Sophie!" he says as he unbuttons his shirt. "Nate. It's about Parker. You need to talk to her." "Sophie. Really you need to take care of this. I have to go out again." "Nate" I try again. "She kissed me." He turns and looks at me. "Do you want me to kiss you too?" He offers. "What? No. I..um..no…" He got me and he knows it. He smiles as he pulls on a clean shirt and starts walking away. "Nate you need to talk to her about boundaries again." He turns and looks at me. "Look Sophie. I've talked to her. You've talked to her. We've all talked to her. You're just going to have to deal with this one on your own." He turns to leave and I make a face at his back. "Careful. You don't want your face to freeze like that" he laughs as he heads down the stairs. On the way out the front door, he turns back and yells toward Parker. "Parker, no more kissing Sophie!" Parker pouts and Eliot looks to me for an explanation which I am not planning on giving him. "Did you know about this?" He asks Hardison. The younger man shrugs. "Kind of. She does that." "That's gotta be the best thing that's happened around here in ages and I missed it" he whines. Parker pipes up with an offer to do it again and we all turn and tell her "no!" though I'm not sure Hardison and Eliot's words were said quite as empathically as mine.
The day is quickly turning to evening. Nate is not back yet and I am in no hurry to go home to an empty apartment. I ask the boys and Parker to go out to dinner but they all have plans, Eliot has a date, Parker and Hardison have something going on that sounds like fighting robot dinosaurs. They ask me along but my fear of giant robot lizards is greater than my angst at going home alone. Besides, Tara should be calling me tonight. My phone is all charged. Or maybe she left me a note in the apartment.
I pick up pasta and a salad and head home. I hope that the lights are on in the apartment, that it was all just a big misunderstanding. The apartment is dark, even the one I always leave on in the front. Tara thinks it's silly that I think a light would deter anyone from entering unannounced. She turns it off when she leaves but it makes me feel more secure to have it on. I flip it back on and throw my food on the kitchen table. I'm not all that hungry any more. I quickly look for a note or any other communication from Tara. Nothing. I try dialing her cell but it's either off or dead. I've got nothing to do but wait until she wants to talk to me.
I sit on the couch, my cell phone positioned on the table right in front of me. I try to read but I spend more time staring at the phone than my book. Where is she? Why did she have to leave so quickly? Why didn't she leave me a note or a message? Why leave the messages in Parker's hands? I sigh. I'm not going to get any of the answers I want tonight. I might as well go to bed and try to get some sleep.
I toss and turn, trying not to think, not to worry, not to be lonely. All my life I've gone to bed alone and now I can't sleep one night without Tara next to me. Its driving me crazy but I miss her so much already. Damn it Tara! Just a note or a message. If I knew where she was, when she might be back, I would be fine. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block everything out but images of tan skin and golden hair keep flashing before me.
I must finally fall asleep because when I wake in the middle of the night, there is a body next to me. I roll over and wrap my arm around her shoulder. "I'm so glad you're back" I mumble as I start to slip back to sleep. "Me too" she says. My eyes fly open. "Parker? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were Tara!" "Why would you think I was Tara?" she asks. Typical Parker to focus on the least significant part of the conversation. "Why? Why would I? What?" I'm sitting up now and Parker sits up too, letting the quilt fall off to reveal she is naked. "Parker!" I reach my hand up to cover my eyes. "Why don't you have clothes on?" "Why would I have clothes on in bed" she asks. I open my mouth but honestly I have no answer. I try a different tact. "Why are you here?" "Because Tara isn't." She replies. Her voice is so matter of fact that I'm the one who feels like I'm not getting it. 'One more time' I think while my hand moves to rub my temple. I speak slowly. I don't want her misunderstanding the question again. "Parker. Why are you here when Tara isn't?" "Because I don't want you to be sad." I nod. I think I understand finally.
"Parker. I'm OK you know. I'm not sad. Well, a little lonely maybe but that's OK. I'm OK. I don't need you here." She looks at me, carefully thinking about what she's going to say next. "I know you don't need me Sophie. You don't need anyone. I just thought you might be less lonely if someone else was here. I like sleeping with you." 'How in the world do I answer that?' I wonder. I figure I can either try to throw her out, which would probably end up with a lot of hurt feelings or I can just let it go for now and try to explain in the morning. "Fine. You can stay. Tonight. But you can't do this again. You can't be here when Tara gets home. OK?" "K!" she says and flops back down on the bed. I lay myself back down and she wraps her arms around me. "Doesn't this make you feel better?" she asks sleepily. "Yeah Parker. It does. Thank you." I rub her arm where it lays over my chest. "Mmmm" she murmurs. I'm almost asleep myself when one more things occurs to me. "Parker? Did you pick my lock again?" "Mmmm" is the only answer I get.
When I wake in the morning, I am alone. I start to wonder if I might have dreamt the whole thing but then I notice my dinner from last night, still on the table. What's left of it anyway. Parker! Damn. I'm going to have to talk to her again.
I show up in the office mid-morning. I'm not in the mood to talk. I just want to read up on the mark for our upcoming con, decide on a character and try to get into that skin. I imagine I'll be going shopping later too. I need to pick up a few things for the con and maybe I can look at some shoes. I'll invite Parker along. She's tedious to shop with but it will give us a chance to talk without the guys around.
We sit at a coffee store in the mall. Parker orders an extra large triple shot espresso with extra syrup. It makes my eyes water just thinking about it but it also explains some of where she gets her energy from. She tries to tell me the caffeine and sugar help her slow down and think. I don't think that's right but then it seems to work, she is much less flighty when she finishes. It seems like a good chance to talk.
"Parker, about last night" "Oh I'm sorry Sophie" she tells me. I think maybe we're going to get somewhere but then she continues "I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that. Eliot tells me all the time not to sneak up on people but I can't help it. It's a thief thing. You know." I nod while trying to figure how to get her back on track. "It's not about the sneaking up. Well it is but it's not." Parker is looking at me with a blank expression. She knows I'll eventually get to the point. I think it drives her a little crazy that we all talk at her without telling her what we're talking about. "It's about coming to my apartment late at night." "You want me to come earlier?" "No Parker. I don't want you to come at all!"
Parker's eyes get big and teary and then the window slams shut and her eyes are blank again. "Fine." She says. "I'll just go sleep with Hardison then." I choke on my coffee. "You sleep with Hardison? I mean you and Hardison are…? Are you sleeping together?" She just sits and blinks at me. I suspect that I hurt her feelings and now she's completely shutting me out. I sigh. "C'mon Parker. If we're going to beat traffic, we should get going." She cleans up her space and follows me out of the mall. She doesn't say a word to me the rest of the afternoon.
I am in no mood to talk to anyone, especially Parker. I leave early and make my way home, skipping dinner this time. I wander around the apartment for a bit, cleaning and putting things away but my heart isn't in that either. I turn on one of Tara's cooking shows, just to have some noise. I try to read. I lie on the couch but it's not comfortable either. I try to think. What on earth did I do with myself before Tara came to live here? I honestly can't think of a thing. I contemplate opening a bottle of wine. Getting blitzed would definitely help me not think so much but then the morning would suck. I forgo the wine and head for a hot bath instead. It helps me relax but then, sitting on the edge of the bed, the emptiness hits me again. I feel the tears start. It seems so silly to be crying. I know she's coming back. Right? Should wouldn't just leave me. Would she? I push my fingers into my eyes to try to stop the tears. With a wipe and a sniffle, I crawl under the covers and hope sleep comes quickly.
This time I hear the lock on my door. The footsteps are silent but I hear the door close and my safety light goes off. I hold my breath. I hear rummaging in the kitchen then a figure appears in the doorway of the bedroom. "Sophie? Are you awake" she whispers. "Yes Parker. I'm awake." "Oh. Good. Where do you keep the cereal?" "Parker, why are you here?" All I get for an answer is silence. "Parker?" "Cereal?" she counters. "There is no cereal." "What? Why don't you have cereal?" "That's not important" I tell her. Under her breath I hear her say "not to you maybe."
I sit up in the bed. "Come here Parker" I say as I pat the space next to me. She is debating about continuing the argument about cereal or coming and listening to me tell her what she's done wrong – again. "Please?" I ask. "I won't yell at you. I promise." That seems to satisfy her and she bounces toward the bed, pulling her shirt off as she comes. "Parker!" "You said you wouldn't shout" she says. "You're right Parker. I'm sorry. I was just surprised by you taking your clothes off." She looks at me out of the corner of her eye. "We're going to sleep now aren't we?" "Well I thought we should probably talk" I tell her. She still looks suspicious. "In bed?" "I suppose. And you don't wear clothes to bed" I tell her. She nods. "Fine." She smiles as she strips the rest of her clothes and literally jumps into the bed.
"I thought we talked about this earlier" I tell her as she rearranges her pillows and settles in to my bed. "I thought we decided that you weren't going to come here anymore." "You said that." She says. I sigh. "I said that because that's what I meant. You can't sleep here." She stares at me for a few seconds. As usual I have absolutely no idea what she is about to say. "You need to eat." "What?" "You need to eat. You didn't eat again. And you're sad." She gently traces a line left by a tear on my cheek with her finger. The gesture is so sweet that I can't help but be moved by it. "OK Parker. You can stay. Tonight. Until Tara comes back. Will that make you happy?" I ask. "Will it make you happy Sophie?" She asks in reply. I smile at her. "Yeah Parker. It will."
I lie back down and she snuggles close to me. I wrap my arms around her. It does make me feel better. There are still a few things we need to clear up though. "Parker." "Hmmm?" "You can't be here when Tara gets home." "OK" she says. "I'll go sleep with Hardison then." I choke a bit. I still can't imagine Parker in that sort of relationship. She seems so innocent and kind of clueless but she's also a woman in her mid 30s. Surely she's been in sexual relationships of some sort. I just haven't seen it in Hardison. He would never be able to keep that sort of secret, not from me. I would be able to see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at her. No I'm pretty sure that, despite what she said, she and Hardison are not sleeping together.
"Parker…" "Hmm" "Um. Just so we both understand. I'm not going to have sex with you." I'm not sure what to expect from her in return. Again, she surprises me when she quickly answers with a cheerful "OK" but she does nothing about the lack of space between our naked bodies. "Parker? You heard what I said?" She sounds confused now. "Why would I have sex with you?" "Well, that's what people do when they 'sleep together'. "You mean sleeping really means having sex?" she asks. "That doesn't make any sense. What do you say when you want to just sleep with someone?" I think about that for a minute. "You know Parker, I have no idea." "Well we should think of one because I like sleeping with you Sophie. But I don't want to have sex with you." I'm not sure if I should feel relieved or insulted.
When I wake in the morning, Parker is gone again. I stumble to the kitchen and find an open box of cereal and a quart of milk sitting out on my kitchen table with a note on it. "Eat!" it says. I manage to choke down a small bowlful before showering and heading into the office.
We're all sitting, enjoying a cup of coffee and each other's company. I turn to Parker and ask her "what is the song you sing when you're happy?" "What? I don't sing. I don't have a song." "Yes you do Parker. I've heard you sing it when you're, um, taking care of someone." She is still looking at me then she looks toward Hardison for some sort of back up. He chimes in "Umm Hmm. You do. I've heard it. You have a song." "Nuh uh. I do not!" she says as she takes her cup and goes back toward the kitchen. I look at Hardison. He shrugs. "She doesn't remember the good times" he tells me. It's in there. Something good before all the bad. She just doesn't want to remember. The bad stuff is what made her who she is. I think remembering the good stuff makes her feel vulnerable. Like it's a soft spot. If you poke at it, it makes her hurt too much."
I nod. Makes sense. We all have soft spots. We wouldn't be in this business if we didn't. Something made us criminals, made us selfish enough to be able to steal from others. Just some of us hide them better than others. Nate drinks. Eliot hits things. Hardison uses humor and I wrap myself in my characters. Parker pretends she's invulnerable. Not admitting she has feelings, it's her way of hiding the pain that they cause her.
"Um…Hardison…" I'm not sure how to ask this tactfully. "Um…can I ask you something? About you and Parker?" He shrugs. "Ain't much to tell" he says. "Well, she…um…she said something about you two sleeping together?" I honestly never knew a black man could turn so many different shades of red. I try to continue. "I know it's not my business and you don't have to tell me but I just want to know if…" "If she means we're doing the dirty?" He asks. "Um..yeah." He shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "You know I love Parker. And I totally would if I thought she could handle it but, you know, its Parker and I don't ever want to hurt her and, well, when she says sleeping, she means sleeping." He looks me over. "She sleeping with you too?" I nod. "Mmm hmmm. I figured. She's been watching you again." I raise my eyebrows at that though I already knew what she was doing. "Mmm hmm. Mmmm hmmm." He keeps rambling. "I do have to say that I enjoy it. The sleeping thing. She is a good cuddler when she wants to be. And that girl's body? Mmm hmmm. That's all I have to say about that." "Well Hardison, at some point you're going to have to give her a poke, let her know how you feel." His eyes bug out a bit at my double meaning
I laugh at Hardison. He's off thinking about Parker now. I feel bad for him but it helps me to know that when she says 'sleeping' she means sleeping. Parker doesn't hide her true intentions behind words and double talk and she doesn't understand when other people do. I even get why she thinks she needs to watch me. I've done some stupid things in the past when it comes to Tara. I suppose it makes me feel better to know she's keeping track. And I do enjoy 'sleeping' with her. Maybe later I can help her connect with the feelings behind her song.
We all go out for a big lunch. Parker stares at me with every mouthful. I hold my fork up to show her that I am eating. She smiles and turns her attention to Hardison. He looks to me as if to say "Help me here!" I nod that I will but really, I am not the one who should be teaching her about successful relationships when I've so badly screwed up every one I've ever been in.
I ate a big lunch so I decide to skip on dinner and head straight home to a glass of wine and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I'm sure Parker will have words for me when, or if, she shows up. I stop waiting about 10. By 10:30 I hear picks working in my lock. I look and she is standing silhouetted in the doorway to the bedroom. "Thanks for leaving that light on" I say. She cocks her head and I explain. "It makes me feel better that no one can sneak up on me." She thinks about that. "It doesn't work Sophie. I sneak up on you all the time." "I know Parker" I sigh. "I know." She gives me one of her looks. She can't understand why I would want to do something that I know doesn't work. She opens her mouth to comment but I beat her to it with another question. "Parker? Would you like a key to my apartment?" Again with the look. "Why do I need a key?" she asks. "Never mind." I tell her. "I just thought maybe you'd like that better than having to break in." "I like breaking into places. Yours isn't very hard though. Are you sure you don't want a better lock?" I give her one of her looks back. "What would be the point" I mumble. She shrugs and heads to the kitchen to see what I have before stripping and climbing into bed.
There is no awkwardness tonight. I play with her hair until she starts to fall asleep. I've been waiting for her to lower her guard so I can ask her some more questions. "Tell me about the song Parker." "Song?" "The one you hum when you're happy." "I'm always happy" she says. "OK how about when you're taking care of me?" "Mmmm that makes me happy too". Almost imperceptibly I hear her start to hum. "Did your mother sing you that?" I ask. She starts to answer "yes" then realizes what she is saying and stops. No matter what I try, she is done talking for the night. As I fall asleep, I realize that she is still wide awake.
It's been almost 5 weeks. I haven't heard a word from Tara. I'm trying to be confident that she's OK and that we're OK. I've racked my brains to think of any reason I could have given her to leave. There were no signs that I can think of. And besides, she didn't take the couple of things that she keeps here. That gives me some comfort. But then, it doesn't seem as if she really moved in. When/if she comes back, I will be sure to let her know that I want this to be 'our' not 'my' place where she also lives.
I try not to let thoughts like these invade my brain too often. I miss Tara so much that I can't stand the thought that she may not be coming back, that I may never know what happened or where she went. It's a hazard of the job that I prefer not to think about. It's easier for me to pretend that this is all normal and I'm doing fine. Only Parker knows the truth. She knows when I'm having a bad day. She's there when I cry at night. She's there to hold me when I wake up all alone. We've become incredibly close. We can spend all night whispering, telling each other secrets and stories. Other times, just having her near is enough to bring some comfort. I love Parker dearly but she is not Tara.
There are many nights I don't feel like going home alone. Even though I know Parker will probably show up, it's hard for me to be by myself in the apartment. This place used to be my sanctuary. I could come home and know that peace and silence awaited me. It was a place where I could decompress, relax, be myself. Now the quiet haunts me. Lying on the couch isn't as comfortable without Tara's lap to rest my head on. There are things I want to say and no one to say them to. I had always thought I was meant to be alone. It didn't bother me. I embraced it. I thought I needed it. I didn't know there was a difference between being alone and being lonely. Now I'm lonely.
Nate and I are out for dinner. Dinner turns to dessert and drinks and then a long walk along the Charles. Neither of us is anxious to go home alone. I am still feeling the whiskey when Nate steers me down the street toward my apartment. A long hug turns to a kiss and things are almost like they were a year ago. Nate finally pushes me away. "It's going to be OK Sophie. I promise." I shake my head and I feel the tears starting. He pulls me to him in a tight hug. "I. We. Hardison and I. We're looking for her. We'll find her" he whispers. "She's coming back. She'd be a fool not to" he continues. "No one would ever want to give you up Sophie. You're too special." "Thank you Nate" I whisper into his shoulder. "You know I love you and I will always be there for you right?" he asks. I nod. "It really is going to be OK. She's going to come back. For you. And if not, Hardison, Eliot and I will make sure she understands the consequences of that." "I know Nate. Thank you." I kiss him again and then slowly untangle myself and turn toward my building. I don't look back at Nate. I don't think my heart can take any more blows right now. He doesn't move until I make it inside.
It's late and I'm still a bit dizzy from the drink and my emotional talk with Nate. I don't bother to turn on any lights. I pull off my clothes and slip under the quilt on my bed and will sleep to come quickly and dreamlessly. I barely notice when Parker lets herself in. I feel her kiss my forehead and I feel her warm body next to mine. I feel comforted and fall back into a deep sleep.
Later that night, I have the dream. Tara is home. She's next to me. She's whispering to me. I feel her warm lips on mine. Her hand is on my face, in my hair, sliding down my neck to my chest. I moan in my sleep. I feel the quilt pull back and her warm body slides next to mine. Her arms wrap around me. Her hand comes to rest on…My heart jumps and suddenly I am wide awake. Tara is next to me. Parker is on the other side. Parker's arm is laying across my chest and now Tara's hand has landed on it. I lie very still. I feel giddy that Tara is here with me. I want to grab her and kiss her and yell at her and hold her so tight she'll never leave again. But then Parker is here too. In my bed. Naked next to me. I'm not sure how this is going to play out. I can't imagine any way that this isn't going to end badly. Tara knows Parker. She knows how Parker thinks. She knows how I feel about Parker. But to come home to find someone else in your bed? Relationships have been broken for less than this.
We all three lie very still for a few seconds. Tara breaks the silence. "Parker?" she asks. "Hi Tara" Parker answers. Tara sighs. "Parker, you need to go home. Or at least go out to the couch ok? I'm trying to do something here." Parker slides silently from under the quilt. We both watch her as she moves toward the door then stops and turns around. "Tara. I'm really happy you're home now." "Me too Parker." Tara answers in a soft voice. "Me too."