Disclaimer: Dynasty Warriors and Romance of Three Kingdoms X belong to KOEI-Tecmo and no copyright infringement is intended. This is merely a non-profit piece of fan fiction inspired by an amazing series.
Summary/Back Story: When Pang Tong and Zhuge Liang were still classmates studying under Sima Hui, Kongming got married. Kongming rarely took his nose out of the Art of War and his wife quickly became neglected; Pang Tong found a better place for his nose and had an affair with his classmate's wife. Yue Ying became pregnant with Pang Tong's lovechild and destroyed the friendship the men once had. When the baby was born, Liang handed the little girl to her real father and told him to hit the road. Then the Sleeping Dragon became a hermit and forbid his wife to go back out into the real world. Pang Tong went into the mountains and used his fighting skills (threw his cloak over it) to capture a mountain goat for milk to feed his daughter. It seemed like a nice place to settle down so he built a shack and settled in to be a homeless, jobless strategist and stay-at-home Dad until a war broke out and boosted the economy. This, is their story.
Author Note: This is a ROTK X style created character in a Dynasty Warriors story with some excerpts from the ROTK novel. I'm embracing the anime style fighter of Battle Vixens fame and who better to have a hot daughter than the "ugly" zany strategist Pang Tong? Officer Biography for Pang Fei Yan featured at the end of this chapter to keep with the theme of ROTK X. This story came about thanks to a writing prompt in LiveJournal's WarriorsSlash50 challenge.
Incredibly Incredulous
Chapter 1
Return of the Phoenix
"Nipples! Where are you hiding?"
Zhao Yun stopped in his tracks and stared at the perfect teenage butt sticking out from under a produce cart. It was the kind of beautiful butt a hentai girl would have, firm, delicious and barely covered by a part of tattered green shorts. He bit his lip and tried to think through his come on line before he made an ass out of himself.
"Nipples! Come out of there!"
That perfect posterior wiggled and allowed the young warrior to see something he had only read about in Guan Yu's diary: the camel toe. Zhao Yun tried to clear his throat to announce himself, but ended up swallowing the drool puddling in his mouth. Suddenly he went from being a proud and attractive hero, to an idiot choking on his own spit.
Pang Fei Yan heard someone choking and backed out from under the cart to see what the problem was. She looked at the man who was pounding on his own chest to try and clear his airway. She grabbed her staff and stood to see if there was something she could do to help. "Excuse me, do you need a tracheotomy?"
Zhao Yun, pride of Chang Shan, vehemently shook his head. He tried to not stare at her huge breasts barely covered with straps of bandage, but it didn't work. He coughed and tried to put together a sentence. "Thank you. I'm fine."
She watched him wipe away a tear and looked down as she felt something furry brush up against her bare leg. "Nipples!"
Suddenly he was choking again as she bent over to pet a goat that came out from under the cart. All he could see was cleavage, until dots began to cloud his vision because he couldn't get any air.
"Blah!" The goat responded and continued to chew on some weeds it had found under the cart.
"Cute…goat." Zhao Yun managed to choke out as he finally cleared his airway. He cleared his throat and knelt down to try and pet the stupid thing. He really didn't think critter was cute, but it seemed to be a good move to get the girl to talk with him. That and if he bent down her breasts would be at eye level.
"Fei Yan?" Pang Tong called out as he left the shop. "Did you make a new friend?"
"No Daddy. This guy was just interested in petting my Nipples." Fei Yan replied loudly so that everyone in the marketplace could hear. As she stood upright she noticed the stares and complete and utter silence.
Pang Tong looked at the young man's face drain of color as his hand hovered over the goat's back. Tong hid his smile behind his mask. "Really?"
"Blah!" Replied Nipples, the goat.
Suddenly Fei Yan burst into laughter and her father soon followed. She couldn't hold it in anymore and the guy looked like he was about to cry. It was a game they played in every town and frankly it never got old. "Sorry. The goat's name is Nipples."
Zhao Yun finally took a breath and stood up as people in the market went back to business. "Okay."
"Sorry kiddo, just a little inside joke." Pang Tong chuckled and tipped his hat to the young man.
"Zilong!" Liu Bei called out as he led his brothers through town with their new strategist in tow. "I heard there was a man choking to death, is everything alright?"
"Everything is fine, sir." Zhao Yun replied. He closed his eyes, Zhang Fei was never going to let him live this down.
"He just got a bit excited when I let him touch my Nipples." Fei Yan chirped and smiled as the market once again stood still.
"Shhh…" Pang Tong chided. "You're going to get this poor kid fired!"
"Blah!" Nipples added.
Liu Bei took a deep breathe. Then he looked down at the girl's chest and blinked. "Well…I…."
"Way to go kid!" Zhang Fei began to clap. "I told you he wasn't gay!"
"What exactly is going on?" Zhuge Liang pushed his way to the front to see what was going on. He fanned himself as he mentally prepared to deliver another speech about inappropriate public behavior. He was disappointed that the warrior causing the commotion this time was Zhao Yun, he thought the young man was better than that.
"Nothing! I was just petting this goat…" Zhao Yun began to explain.
"Awww!" Zhang Fei exclaimed. "That's gross. I'd rather you be gay! Bet you are buying that Tentacle porn doujin too!"
"Blah!" Nipples replied.
Zhuge Liang looked around and suddenly saw someone familiar. His fan stopped moving and he stared at someone he never thought he'd see again. "Pang Tong."
Pang Tong looked up and locked eyes with his former friend. "Oh..hey Kongming. Long time no see."
"I thought I made it clear to you that only friends could call me by my style name." Zhuge Liang coldly replied.
"Meeeeoooow!" Zhang Fei exclaimed.
Guan Yu looked at the match up and frowned. "Why doesn't it surprise me that when he finally fights he decides to pick on a midget hobo?"
Pang Fei Yan spun her staff and stepped in front of her father. "If you have a problem with my Father, than you take it up with me!"
"Your father?" Zhuge Liang's face paled. This couldn't be happening.
Liu Bei raised his eyebrows and leaned over to Guan Yu. "She must take after her mother."
"She has her Mom's figure but my ample chest." Pang Tong said and looked up as a new person arrived. "No offense."
Yue Ying gulped as she looked at the young lady in front of her. "Oh my God."
"Awkward." Tong said and pushed his hat up with his staff and whistled. "Fei Yan, this is your Mother."
Silence once again overtook the small area as everyone stared at Yue Ying. She bit her lip, never thinking this moment would arrive. However he she was in a market finally meeting the baby girl she had given up 16 years earlier.
"Blah!" Nipples interjected.
"Okay." Fei Yan shrugged. "Thanks for having sex with my Dad and not letting your husband throw me in the river. I think that's about all I really have to say."
"Well nice seeing you all again!" Pang Tong tipped his hat and began to walk away.
Fei Yan waved and tapped her goat's rump with her staff to get her moving again then caught up with her father.
Guan Yu stroked his beard and looked around at the awestruck crowd. "Never a dull moment."
"Wait!" Zhang Fei looked at Yue Ying. "You mean you slept with the midget?"
"Yes." Zhuge Liang growled. "My wife had an affair with my former friend."
"You just earned a huge respect bonus for that." Fei nodded. "HUGE! Midget porn suddenly isn't so weird."
"Wait." Liu Bei suddenly recalled where he had heard the name Pang Tong before. "Is this the same man that Sima Hui recommended I employ?"
"Yes, sir." Guan Yu replied as Zhuge Liang's face turned red.
"We have a Master Strategist." Zhao Yun finally joined the conversation thankful that this awkward encounter was no longer about him.
"Not one any of us actually likes." Zhang Fei mumbled. "Not even his wife."
"It is such a heavy burden for one man to bear." Liu Bei said to no one in particular.
"My Lord." Yue Ying spoke up. "Perhaps, given the past that Kongming and I share with him…."
"The past is behind us!" Liu Bei declared. "Shu is the present and future. For the sake of restoring the Han, I don't think we can afford to not persuade a man so highly regarded by Sima Hui to join us!"
"Did I actually hear you offer to give that kid a tracheotomy?" Pang Tong asked his daughter.
"It seemed like the polite thing to do." Fei Yan shrugged.
"I do appreciate you thanking your mother for having sex with me. That was a very tender moment." He chuckled.
"Once again I was being polite." She sighed. "I really wanted to ask if she was using you to make her husband jealous or just using you to satisfy her needs. I thought option 'A' went well."
"Excuse me!" Liu Bei ran up to the two strangers. "Master Pang, may I have a moment of your time?"
"Mom must have given you high reviews." Fei Yan smiled. "Remember, charge by the hour."
"What can I do for you Buddy?" Pang Tong looked at the man who was trying to use some charming smile to win him over.
"I spoke with your former teacher, Sima Hui and he highly recommended you."
"Obviously not as highly as someone else." Tong waved at Yue Ying.
Fei Yan giggled. The thought of her father's sexual exploits being the subject of conversation in anyone's camp was entertaining.
Liu Bei decided the best option for attack was to simply turn the conversation back to serious and ignore the innuendo. He was used to Zhang Fei's raunchy talk and was very skilled at this tactic. "I am Liu Bei, Prince of Hanzhong. I am trying to restore the Han and we are on our way to ally with Wu to take down Cao Cao."
"Good for you!" Pang Tong patted the man on the shoulder.
"Would you join us?"
"Uh…no." Pang Tong took his hat off and scratched his head. "We're not welcome in Wu."
"Why?" Liu Bei asked. He never heard of such a thing. The people of Wu were very hospitable.
"I'm ugly and my daughter draws comics of their King being raped by seafood. I think our passports have been revoked."
Liu Bei mulled that over. "You're joking?"
"No. Fei Yan is actually quite imaginative with the marine life. Squids, sea cucumbers, dolphins, eels, carp, starfish, octopus…" Tong rattled off the sea creatures and then smacked his head. "I almost forgot the LobsterThong!"
Liu Bei looked to the girl who smiled at him as Pang Tong pulled her sketchbook out of her backpack.
"See." Tong flashed him the fashion painting she had done. "I think the crayfish nipple clamps are especially creative."
Liu Bei stared at the painting. "That's…interesting."
Fei Yan pointed to the string around the man's waist. "Their claws are tied with this string, which also acts as the thong. They naturally curl their tails when threatened and cup and fondle in all the right places. The little flippers and feeders massage, while the hard crustacean shell protects. Very efficient and fashionable. Would you like to order one?"
"One for everyone in your group?" Tong clarified.
"Uhhh…"Liu Bei looked at the drawing and cleared his throat. "No, thank you. I don't believe that will help our recruiting efforts any."
"You'll regret it!" Tong chided. "Especially in Wu. It's very tropical."
"When you run out of food you can take off your LobsterThong and steam them. Cooking removes any residue from them being used to cup and protect genitalia. Very practical." Fei Yan showed him the next page where she had drawn a picture of how to cook the lobsters.
"Master Pang, please join us." Liu Bei chose to return to a sane conversational topic.
"You don't know me." Tong shrugged. "In fact, what you do know about me should be enough to make you not want to hire me. If you've spent any time with Kongming you know he's intolerable when he is happy and I can assure you he's just horrible when he's bitchy. Throws fits, curses your existence, and tries to throw babies in the river…"
"We can work something out."
"You really like to set unattainable goals, don't you?" Tong chuckled.
"It wouldn't be the first time that two people with conflicting personalities work side by side." Liu Bei had to keep trying, finding free officers these days was not easy.
"Look pal, I appreciate your persistence but I'm getting a bit tired of your ignorance." Tong put his hat back on. "Warriors settle their differences physically and all you have to do is clean up some blood and maybe hide a body. Strategists are a whole different monster. There is nothing off limits and I doubt your merry men can handle that kind of hell. I'm certainly not going to subject my daughter to it. So, have a great time in Wu and good luck with that whole restoring the Han thing."
Liu Bei frowned as the two walked away. The boat for Jian Ye left in two days and he needed to find someone who could influence Pang Tong and convince him to join them. He returned to his group and thoughtfully said "Master Zhuge, I am sorry but I must ask to send your wife on a special mission."
Guan Yu looked down at Zhuge Liang who started to pluck white feathers from his fan. "Brother, I think you should send the kids instead."
"The kids?" Liu Bei asked.
"As a parent I can see why he would be reluctant to join us. However I think that is also his weakness. If we send our kids who are about his daughter's age then perhaps he can see what we can provide for him that his current lifestyle can't."
"Sex with teenagers?" Zhang Fei asked.
"No." The giant replied. "A healthy social life for his daughter."
"Oh, good idea." Fei scratched his beard. "Though I think Bao might be more interested in offering his body up for the cause. If he survives the nosebleed from looking at the rack on that chick."
"Oh, this is going to be good." Pang Tong sat up and looked behind them at the road where a few youngsters in green were approaching.
Fei Yan looked over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. "I can't take you anywhere."
Tong flopped back down on the ground. "I wonder which genius came up with the idea to appeal to you."
She shrugged and returned to watching her fishing line. "Maybe this idiotic ploy is meant to show you how helpless they are. You'll pity them and want to save them from their stupidity."
"I figured Liu Bei would just try and send your Mom." Tong replied. "Poor Yue Ying. I'm sure she's a wreck."
"Go comfort her." Fei Yan jerked up on the line and pulled a fish from the water for lunch. "I always wanted a little brother."
Guan Ping led the group over to the riverbank where the two Pangs were trying to catch lunch. He looked over his shoulder as Zhang Bao and Zhang Xing Cai hovered around their horses trying to buy some time and force him to make the introductions. "That's an interesting fishing pole."
Pang Tong snorted and placed his hat over his face to shield out the sun and curious glances.
Fei Yan looked up at the boy and looked him over. He was probably a little younger than her and could see from his attire that he was someone important's kid and not some generic officer. "That's an interesting sword. Overcompensate much?"
He heard the midget chuckle again and looked over his shoulder again for his reinforcements. His sworn brother just stuck his tongue out at him, but Xing Cai slowly began to inch closer. He looked back at the girl fishing and noticed something that he could turn into a better conversation starter. "You lost an earring."
Fei Yan sighed as she unhooked the fish from the line and then lifted up her lure for him to see. "No, it isn't just an earring. It's a lure and can also be used as a fletching if I need an arrow. The fishing line is also a bowstring and most of the time serves as my belt. My fishing pole is my staff, my stick bow and a half dozen other things that I won't bore you with."
"Wow." Guan Ping blinked. "You really are Yue Ying's daughter. You're an inventor just like her!"
"Or I'm a hunter/gatherer who carries a practical weapon." Fei Yan threw the line back into the water. "Not sure what you can do with that weapon other than advertise your insecurities."
Xing Cai crept up behind Ping. "Hello. I'm Xing Cai, Zhang Fei's daughter."
"I'm Pang Fei Yan, the bastard daughter of Pang Tong."
"Lovechild sounds so much better." Tong said from under his hat. "Makes me sound like a Casanova and not a….bastard."
"This is my Father, Pang Tong. The strategist who you're never going to work with."
"Look, I know this is an obvious attempt to try and persuade you to join us." Guan Ping sighed. "However, we can't go back without at least telling our parents we tried."
"You know how it is." Xing Cai added. "Our parents treat us like kids and never let us do anything on our own."
"I never leave my Father's side because he likes to seduce married women." Fei Yan replied. "It's called filial piety."
Tong chuckled and sat up. "Thanks kiddo."
"You're a public menace." She replied and handed him the fish to begin cooking.
"So I guess that's going to be three more for lunch, huh?" Tong set his hat back on his head and stood up. "Hope you brought something to drink."
Guan Ping was about to reply, but Xing Cai growled something and marched back to the horses. He frowned as he realized why Zhang Bao hadn't joined them yet.
Zhang Bao looked up as Xing Cai appeared out of nowhere and cracked him in the head with the shaft of her trident. "Bitch!"
"Drunk!" she grabbed the musou wine out of his hands and corked it. "This wine was a gift for Pang Tong!"
"I'm going to need to be drunk to be able to make eye contact with the ugly dude." Zhang Bao grumbled as his sister stole the wine he was drinking and forced him to meander over to the group.
"Make yourself comfortable." Tong began to skewer another fish that Fei Yan handed him.
Bao plopped down next to the wine bottle. "So you slept with Yue Ying, huh?"
Tong shrugged. "We really didn't do much sleeping."
"I always thought she was too hot to be Kongming's quiet little wife." Zhang Bao reached for the bottle and had his hand slapped.
Xing Cai growled. "Bao, don't embarrass yourself!"
"You're the only one embarrassed here." Bao stuck out his tongue. "Take notes! When you're married to Liu Shan you're going to need to find someone to get you off."
Fei Yan kept her eyes on the fishing line and tried to avoid interacting with these people. They were immature and quite honestly ruining the peace of their meal. However her father was clearly going to try and be nice to them and prolong their intrusion into their lives. "Perhaps I could interest you gentleman in a LobsterThong?"
"Going to model it for me?" Zhang Bao asked.
All Fei Yan heard was the yelps as Xing Cai bludgeoned her brother with her weapon. It was going to be a long night. She looked up at Guan Ping who gave her an apologetic smile but she wasn't sure if it was for staring at her chest or for his friends actions. Well, perhaps they could have a little fun while these people were here. "I have to go milk my Nipples, want to help?"
Pang Tong's smile was hid behind his mask as the three Shu warriors all stopped breathing and looked over at his mischievous daughter. She would have them in a full fledged retreat in a matter of an hour.
Officer Biography:
Name: Pang Fei Yan
Age: 15
Sex: Female
Looks: Brown hair, brown eyes, hentai big boobs, 5'2" tall, slender. Clothing is tattered and as skimpy as possible. Koihime Musou Zhang Liao boob wrap. Shorts she outgrew two years until Liu Bei gives her sandals he made. Belt is a bow string. Hair done in a knot with two sharpened sticks holding it together. One earring is an arrowhead, the other a fletching.
Father: Pang Tong
Mother: Yue Ying
Weapon: Staff. "WonderStick" .
- Polearm function is standard.
- It can become a stick bow if she strings her belt on it. Sticks in her hair can be used as an arrow, earrings added for broadhead and fletching.
- Also makes an awesome fishing pole. Bowstring as line and fletching as bait, then gut the fishies with the broadhead!
Intelligence: Above average, home schooled. Plays a mean game of competitive Mahjong but lacks interest in GO, studying and memorizing Sun Tzu.
Debate Skills: Below Average: Gets bored with intellectual games and resorts to jokes to belittle her opponent.
Social Skills: Below Average. Raised in the woods with a hobo Dad, she's a bit of a loner and lacks interpersonal communication skills.
Attitude: Carefree tom-boy. No worries when you're a nomad!
Occupation: Hunter/Gatherer. Makes sure she can feed herself and Dad.
Interests: Drawing yaoi dojin that depict Sun Quan as a loser who is raped in every way imaginable. Revenge for calling her father ugly.