Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own FF8 or any of its characters.
A/N: This is the first fanfic I've written in a very long time. Probably eight or nine years. And it's the first FF8 fic I've ever written. This whole thing was pretty much a giant experiment. I've never written in second person or present tense before, and the story is basically written backwards. I don't know why on Earth I decided to write it that way. It just sort of happened.
Anyway, the idea for this story came from a fic challenge on a livejournal community called thethirdwar. I'm not a member, but my sister was talking about it and it sparked an idea in my head, so I just sort of went with it. The concept for the challenge was that Rinoa has become a threat, thus bringing about a third sorceress war, and Seifer is offered SeeD status if he helps track her down and stop her.
Now would be the time to tell her you lied.
There were a thousand things you could have told her when she first came to you, a thousand things you should be saying right now. You just never thought that lie would be such a huge mistake.
Irvine was right.
And everything is wrong.
Your lips are moving, but you aren't making any sound. She leans over you, crying and yelling. You hear neither. Her features are growing fuzzier by the second, and there's an annoying buzzing in your ears. You're starting to feel cold – the kind of cold that burns, and parts of your body are being jabbed over and over and over with white hot knives until the feeling has completely disappeared and you wonder if your limbs are even still intact.
She fists your shirt and gives you a rough shake, her hair falling loose around her shoulders as she twists around to stab a finger at someone you can't see. When she turns back to you she lifts a hand to wipe the tears from her cheek, leaving a streak of blood across her skin. She leans down. To kiss you? No. She's whispering something, but that awful buzzing drowns it out.
You decide to pretend her final words to you are 'I love you'.
When she faces you you think you're beginning to understand. You remember the way she used to look, always smiling and laughing. The person before you is void of any trace of that girl. Once she exuded kindness, and now there is only fury and hatred, the way her lips curl a grotesque mockery of a smile.
Wrong.
The only word that comes to mind when you look at her. She should be humming to herself while she picks flowers or dancing for absolutely no reason or spouting stupid sappy crap to her boyfriend. That thing -that 'smile'- you hoped you would never see again, a child's nightmare come to life.
No one moves, and you wonder if any of them can really do what you came for. Their reluctance has been clear from the beginning, but there was determination as well. Now, however, finally face to face with her, they're all frozen. You aren't sure you could do it if the roles were switched and Quistis stood in her place. Then again, you're not sure you believe this person is really Rinoa anymore.
You don't hate Rinoa - at least, not their Rinoa; it's the psycho bitch ripping apart an innocent girl -invading and destroying both mind and body- that you hate. You hear Quistis' words so recently uttered pounding through your head. Words about mercy and caring. You recall the look on her face when she spoke to you - downcast eyes and a pitiful frown. Carrying out the mission will be a mercy to Rinoa, and eternal damnation for the rest of them.
It's kill or be killed. The others can't bring themselves to make the first move, leaving it up to you. Maybe it's better this way? Yeah. It's better that they don't live with the guilt of being the ones to kill their friend, and maybe this way, eventually, Quistis will be able to smile again. Even if this way ensures her smile will never be directed at you.
Your gunblade feels unusually heavy in your hand as you take a step forward, like you're trying to heft the weight of the entire fucking Garden over your head. She's still staring at you, those unsettling eyes far too calm as you advance. You've felt the chilly sensation creeping through your bones before.
You know now. You understand why Leonhart abandoned the mission. Would you be able to stand having Quistis look at you through such cruel eyes, knowing it's the last way she'll ever look at you?
She moves faster than the real Rinoa ever moved and Hyperion's blade barely grazes her arm. The dull, pulsing glow of magic gathers around her. You continue to advance, your gunblade raking a dozen superficial cuts over her body. Still toying with you, messing with you until the last possible moment. You lunge forward, putting your weight behind a savage thrust of Hyperion and the ground suddenly shudders beneath your feet, throwing you off balance. In the short amount of time it takes you to recover you see she's spattered with blood. Her own? No. You glance around and see both Quistis and Irvine are bleeding, but still standing.
You hesitate for a moment. She's so fucking fast that you never even saw how the other two were injured. It has to end now, and you have to be the one to end it.
The world becomes so small in a matter of seconds. Rinoa doesn't exist anymore; you're not murdering some sweet, kinda flaky girl, you're liberating the world from a bitch who fucks with people's minds and kills just because it amuses her to do so. A cold bead of sweat rolls down your back, your heart thumping so hard it hurts and your throat feels tight. Your hands are trembling, just a little; when was the last time you actually trembled? The lack of action bores her and her eyes shift away.
You leap just as Rinoa has turned her attention to Quistis. She lifts a hand, magic crackling all around her; there's no time to think, and you were never one to stop and consider the consequences of your actions anyway.
Quistis yells something as your hand lands on her chest and you shove her back. There's a bright flash and someone screams. Red droplets paint the sky for an instant, and you see the tip of a gunblade protruding from Rinoa's throat.
Guess Leonhart had it in him after all.
You glance down, wondering how so much of her blood could have gotten on you.
It clicks in your mind the same moment you hit the ground and a familiar stench permeates your nostrils.
She keeps alternating between ignoring you and glaring at you. For fuck's sake, it isn't like you pissed her off on purpose.
You could try talking to her, but while there's something kinky about Quistis going at you with her whip, you would rather not have her kick your ass in front of the others. If you got extremely lucky Kinneas might pretend he didn't see it, but Dincht and Tilmitt? Not a chance in hell.
Having Quistis pissed at you makes you want to shove Hyperion up someone's ass. What can you do? Change your personality? Somewhere deep down you have always known you have no chance to be anything more than a pain in the ass student to Quistis, but last night gave you the smallest glimmer of hope. Until your big mouth ruined it anyway.
She passes by, trying much too hard to keep her eyes off you while she talks to Dincht. What the hell does he have to say that makes her prefer his company to yours even if she is pissed at you? You consider punching Dincht in the back of the head. Tilmitt shoots past you to join him and Quistis and you find Kinneas at your shoulder.
"It's the situation, ya know."
"What?"
"Quistis. Not that what you said was helpful, but you have to understand how hard it is on her. On all of us."
You glare at him. "You tryin' to shrink me, cowboy?"
"No. Shouldn't you try to understand the feelings of the person you care about?"
"Shut the fuck up, Kinneas."
"I think you need to put more consideration into what we're doing. We already survived one sorceress war. We might not be so lucky this time."
You say nothing. He seems to think this is an invitation to continue.
"I'm not blind. I know how you feel about her. Don't you think you should say somethin' before it's too late?"
"Fuck off."
"Don't you think maybe she might wanna hear it?"
You laugh bitterly. Before you've proven anything? Especially after the giant step backward last night? Her whip will be around your throat before you're finished. Why the hell does Kinneas care, anyway?
"You're not my favorite person, Seifer."
"Likewise. So run along and let the annoying little one talk you to death."
"But Quistis is my friend."
Are you talking to yourself?
"I'm not a fucking moron, Kinneas. For shit's sake, leave me alone."
"How much thought have you really put into this, Seifer?"
"Kill sorceress. The end."
"People will die. People have already died."
"There are always casualties in a war. What's your point?"
"What if Quistis is one of them?"
You don't have anything to say to that. You've never even considered the possibility. The world without Quistis in it... The idea is incomprehensible. You brain rejects it, throwing it away before you can give it any real consideration.
"Just give it some thought."
But you don't have a chance to think about anything. Up ahead there's a ground rattling explosion and the screams of frantic people pouring into the streets and, as one, the group surges toward the source of the chaos.
She's moved out into the open, the explosion merely bait to draw you to her. She stands perfectly still, so calm as she waits for you. She has no doubt about whether or not she can win against you. After all, you're only toys.
The sky's a sheet of black speckled with silver, the land illuminated by the blue glow of the full moon. Strange how things could seem so calm and normal, considering you're on a mission to kill a psychotic sorceress.
You see Tilmitt anxiously staring back in the direction you came from as though she expects to see the boogeyman pop up and you roll your eyes. Kinneas and Dincht are busy building a fire. You still think they're idiots for insisting that you camp out where you can watch the whole place rather than actually staying in the town. A fair distance from the others and their pathetic fire, you settle yourself against a wide tree trunk, laying Hyperion across your legs.
For a time you're alone, staring into the distance at nothing in particular. She approaches you quietly and stops, leaving a few feet of space between you.
"Can I sit with you?"
You wave a hand over the ground beside you. When she settles down next to you, legs folded beneath her and hands resting in her lap, she looks up at the sky and sighs.
It's the first time she's willingly been near you since leaving B-Garden, and the first time she's spoken to you in days. You find this weird as hell, but say nothing. Chasing her off would only add to the list of stupid things you've done. She looks pretty, the glow of the fire reflecting off her smooth, ivory skin. There is a charged air within the group. You all know the inevitable encounter with Rinoa will come soon, and duty wars with personal emotions. Everyone is on edge and quieter than usual, so you're surprised when Quistis speaks to you again.
"I'm glad it's you here and not Squall."
Whatever you were thinking she might say to you, it sure as hell wasn't that. You can think of nothing to say and stare stupidly at her profile. She turns to you and smiles. Not a real smile - you haven't seen a real smile from her in a very long time. This is a half-hearted ghost of something you used to see frequently and miss like hell. Her eyes are dim, lacking the healthy twinkle that you recall so clearly. It sucks, remembering how she used to be -how she should be- and seeing her try so hard to hold onto that person when clearly she can barely keep herself together. Being punched in the gut by Chicken Wuss would probably feel better than watching Quistis deteriorate this way. You grind your teeth, trying to think of something to say that will bring back a little of that Quistis spunk.
"You finally figure out I'm better than Puberty Boy?" The foolish part of you is hoping she'll say yes.
For a moment she's quiet. "I think you'll be able to do it."
"Whack a psycho sorceress?"
Her expression hardens and you see her muscles go rigid, but she doesn't leave.
"Even you must have some reservations about this. It's Rinoa."
"It's some fucked up crazy bitch going around murdering people because she can."
Quistis clenches her hands into fists. "It's Rinoa. Somewhere in there, it's Rinoa."
"If you believe that, why are you so bent on killing her?"
A long silence follows, and you think she isn't going to answer you.
"Because it will be a mercy," is her quiet response. "Rinoa would never want to hurt anyone. She would wants us to stop her."
"Why you? Why not some other SeeDs?"
Quistis takes her time answering. When she does she looks straight into your eyes as she says, "Better for her to be stopped by people who care about her than someone who hates her."
You feel a rush of anger. Did Quistis bring you along because she thinks you're harboring some secret love for a fucking sorceress? Or is the whole thing bullshit? She didn't come to you because she believes in you, but rather because Leonhart wasn't available. Sloppy seconds to Puberty Boy. Again.
"I'd slit my own throat before giving a shit about a sorceress."
"What if it was Fujin? Or-" She falters for a moment. "Or someone else you care about? Would you rather they die at the hands of a stranger who hates them, or would you want to be the one to end their suffering?"
You try to picture Quistis as the target instead of Rinoa. What would you do? You could never stand by and watch someone else take her life, nor could you be the one to deliver the fatal blow. Does this mean you're weak? You recall hearing rumors about people trying to save Rinoa in the beginning, trying to bring her back from the edge of insanity; what a fucking miserable failure that turned out to be. Now the only option is to get rid of her for good.
Considering this, you think you understand why Leonhart isn't with you.
Quistis seems reluctant when she says, "You were with Rinoa for a time. You cared about her. You can't have forgotten those feelings."
Why does she sound so desperate? Why does it matter so much? In her mind, you're only here to do a job. She isn't making sense, and you tell her so.
"I don't want things to be this way, but we have no choice. I want it to be done for the right reasons."
So that's the reason she came to talk to you. To convince to you to dig up some long dead emotions so you'll be in this for the same reason she is rather than a blind hatred for sorceresses. The problem is, the emotions she wants you to dig up aren't there. They never were. At least, not for Rinoa. Besides, you agreed to this before even knowing what you were getting into. All for Quistis, just to prove to her that you're good enough.
When you turn to Quistis she's staring down at her hands, nervously curling and uncurling her fingers. It seems she wants to say more, but she never does.
Because you're the world's biggest moron, you break the silence with, "I hate sorceresses. I hate them. I want them all dead." Her face fills your mind. Every lie she ever told; every deed she ever manipulated you into doing. Memories you would give anything to be rid of scream through your head, memories that have fed your hatred since the moment you were free from her clutches.
Quistis is sitting at the fire with her back to you when you finally notice she's gone.
Always two steps ahead of you. Always certain that you will follow her trail.
She's toying with you, amusing herself by leaving destruction in her wake that you are powerless to stop.
You are pissed. This game of cat and mouse is frustrating the hell out of you, Chicken Wuss stops every five steps to shadow box, and the small, loud one is adamant that you are being followed. Kinneas continuously wastes his breath reassuring her that no one is following you. Quistis remains silent. She has been oddly quiet, even for her, since the day you left Garden. You keep seeing that look, and hearing the foreign tone of her voice the rare moments she does speak.
Her silence fuels your anger. Your mind has come up with every possible explanation for it, but you always circle back to the assumption that she is disappointed in having to settle for you. Well, fuck that. When this is all over you'll have proven to her that you are superior to that damn Puberty Boy in every possible way.
The smoking ruins of a small town lay behind you, so close that you can still smell the reek of charred flesh and burnt hair. The pointless murders feed your hatred. Not because you feel sorry for those people - you have no idea who any of them are. It's because this is what the world's like with a sorceress on the loose. She does what she pleases, worming her way into people's minds. She is the greedy child, and the world a giant playground filled with all her toys.
No one talks about the horrific scene you're leaving behind. No one wants to think about the latest slaughterhouse Rinoa has led you to.
Tilmitt keeps looking over her shoulder, staring past the town and into the untouched fields beyond. She absolutely refuses to accept that you aren't being followed. You hear the martial artist gag and cough.
The reek is drifting along the breeze, following you. Long ago you came to learn that death by magic has a slightly different scent than death by any other means: Place two burned bodies side by side, one burned with a match, the other with a fire spell, and inhale. The body burned using magic will have a strange odor on top of the usual smells, one you don't quite know how to describe, but can't forget, no matter how hard you try.
The town exudes the strange odor. Chicken Wuss coughs again, and you wonder if he's as sensitive to the smell as you are.
You are fighting a battle with yourself, grasping at little details around you that you don't give a shit about in an attempt to push back the memories that awful magic-death smell is trying to drag to the surface. You watch the way Tilmitt's hair bobs in time with her strides, and the way Kinneas adjusts his steps to match hers. You see Chicken Wuss lift a hand to his throat and massage the skin for a moment before he coughs again.
And you see her. Staring at you.
The moment your eyes find hers she looks away, moving stiffly as she adjusts her stride to conceal herself behind the cowboy. For a second his eyes meet yours, and just as quickly he is watching Tilmitt again.
You catch Quistis staring at you more often than she realizes, though why she keeps staring is a mystery. You can tell yourself that she's admiring your body, that she's working up the courage to tell you she's madly in love with you and always has been, that the crap with Puberty Boy was temporary insanity because she never thought she would have a chance with you, but these foolish dreams don't comfort you. In fact, they make being near Quistis that much more difficult because that is exactly what they are: Foolish.
You've finally walked far enough away to escape the smell, and you let your guard down just a bit. Wuss has stopped coughing, and Tilmitt is still looking over her shoulder every so often. You catch Quistis looking at you again and barely manage to keep yourself from demanding she tell you why she keeps staring. Your stupid dreams aren't comforting, but they're still better than whatever she's really thinking about you.
Night is coming, and you've followed Rinoa's trail to another small town. You glimpse Kinneas ducking away from Tilmitt to whisper something in Quistis' ear. A moment later she declares that you'll stop for the night and agrees to Wuss' stupid idea that you camp outside to watch over the town.
Kinneas whispers to Quistis again, and you feel her eyes on your back when you distance yourself from their chosen camp spot.
Today is the day you leave. You can't actually remember ever setting foot outside of Garden since your return. People are staring at you as you weave your way through the halls, pointing and whispering behind their hands.
They always stare. They always whisper.
They are annoying scum and can go fuck themselves. Yes, they are in the presence of Seifer Almasy. Yes, Seifer Almasy really will rip your head off and shove it up your ass, so shut the fuck up and mind your own goddamn business.
The small, loud one shoots past you, hollering a greeting over her shoulder. You hear a soft chuckle, and Kinneas falls in step with you. No doubt Puberty Boy and Quistis are already waiting. Chicken Wuss will be late, as always.
You reach the gate without a word passing between you and the cowboy and are surprised to find Chicken Wuss already waiting with Quistis and Tilmitt. No sign of Puberty Boy.
Quistis is staring at nothing in particular, her blonde locks given the illusion of a gentle glow in the sunlight. She stands with her arms loosely crossed over her chest, tapping the toe of one boot against the ground. It has been so long since you've been able to spend time with her. She looks elegant. Beautiful.
Quistis glances in your direction and drops her arms to her sides.
"Everyone ready?"
You frown. "What about Leonhart?"
She meets your eyes squarely. "Squall isn't coming with us."
Just like that, the subject is closed. Quistis walks away, clearly expecting everyone to follow. One by one the others do, and after a moment of hesitation you bring up the rear.
Somehow it is odd and disappointing to not have Puberty Boy as a member of the group. You're confused and irrationally angry about this turn of events. Who the fuck does that little prick think he is? What is this shit? Sending others off to do his dirty work while he sits on his ass at a desk chugging coffee and hoovering doughnuts? It is, after all, his crazy ass girlfriend you're hunting. You'd thought better of him. Fucking asshole.
The sun is relentless. There is no shade, and you are already growing irritated with the monotony of traveling on foot. Rinoa knows you're coming for her, and Quistis insists on keeping a low profile. She doesn't want Rinoa being able to somehow track you. It's stupid, you think. Rinoa knows you'll go wherever she is. There's no need for her to track you.
Your eyes stray to Quistis, doggedly leading the little group. She has not said a word to you since leaving Garden. Probably upset about the absence of Puberty Boy.
If she's still so stuck on him, why the fuck does she want you here? Or doesn't she?
Quistis Trepe. She has always been so easy for you to read, but right now you have no idea what's going on in her head. Well, when it comes to Quistis there is one tactic that always gets a reaction. Wuss has strayed off to the side, and Tilmitt and Kinneas are trailing after him. You up your pace until you are directly behind Quistis.
"Instructor."
Her body immediately tenses.
"You gonna ignore me forever?"
She glances over her shoulder and says nothing.
"That's fine. I'm not much into talking anyway. Just show me your tits and I'll be good."
Her hands clench into fists, and you feel a smirk creeping over your lips.
"Come on, Trepe. Let's ditch the idiots and fuck. I would just throw you down right here in the dirt, but I'm really not into having people watch."
She comes to a sudden stop and whirls to face you. You nearly collide with her, barely an inch of space left between your bodies. Her breath is warm, and as you look down at her you feel a rush of heat coiling in the pit of your stomach, springing out in every direction to fill your entire body with a feverish sensation. Just the slightest movement and your lips could be on hers. The look in her eyes freezes you though. Not anger or irritation, but a plea. Your throat is suddenly dry and your tongue feels thick and heavy.
"Don't, Seifer. Not now. Please."
Wuss calls to her and she turns away.
Days pass with no more words exchanged between the two of you, but that look and the way her voice shook ever so slightly are burned into your mind.
You are stretched out in the sun, basking like a lazy house cat. People pass by, too consumed by their own conversations to take notice of you. Some chatter is the usual pointless crap no one really gives a shit about. Most is gossip about the sorceress. Exaggerated bullshit for the most part, but some things you hear are much too easy to believe. You try to block out the voices. You don't want to think about sorceresses. The news has been everywhere for months already, and you have had enough of those crazy bitches to last ten lifetimes.
Immediately you think of her. Soft blonde hair and blue eyes, a lean body sculpted by years of training. The image in your mind is beautiful. Angelic. And yet, thinking about her is bittersweet.
Since your return to Garden she has taken great care to avoid you. You recall when you managed to corner her in the library a few weeks ago; she'd been like a deer in headlights, and you'd had to let her go. You still can't decide if you were more shocked by the way she seemed almost afraid to be alone with you, or by the fact the you didn't keep pushing and demand to know why she's so determined to avoid you. The most you have seen of her since that day is a brief glimpse as she disappears around a corner or into a room. She is more careful than ever to keep from being around you.
It's so goddamn frustrating. What will it take to make Quistis notice you? You have been asking yourself this question ever since the first hint of a school boy crush upon seeing her when you first arrived at Garden and still have no satisfactory answer. Sure, you found ways to get her attention, but not the kind of attention you want. What the hell are you supposed to do? Start acting like Puberty Boy? No fucking way.
She's walking toward you, taking long, sure strides, face full of determination. Clearly you're hallucinating; your dreams are spilling over into reality.
No. The Quistis in your mind always has a much softer expression. She's really here. You're on your feet the moment she stops. Your eyes meet, and for a fraction of a second her expression softens.
"How much do you want to be a SeeD?" The way she says it makes it clear that it is an offer, not just a question.
This startles you. Become a SeeD? The seemingly unreachable goal you spent so much time groping after? It was always the very heart of your romantic dream. Become a SeeD and a hero. Win people's respect. Win Quistis' affections. You have all but given up on becoming a SeeD. Until now, you have never been offered another chance at that dream.
Your thoughts are flying all over the place. Become a SeeD. Redemption. Respect. Love. Is it possible after all? Given a second chance, will you be able to finally grasp all of the things that have continuously eluded you?
You stare at her. The truth is, after all of the shit you've been through, the only dream you keep clinging to is Quistis. But then, she has made her feelings toward you abundantly clear. It's easier to pretend she feels the same way about you and is simply too shy to say anything. You live for those brief glimpses of her because you know it's all you'll ever have.
But maybe, just maybe, this is the opportunity you need to make her change her mind about you. To show her that you can do things right.
She watches you, waiting for a response.
"More than anything," you lie.