Just to be clear, the Canada in this story is NOT the Matthew Williams Canada.
Warning: Cultural insensitivity ahead.
America, Germany, France, India, and England stood in front of the house, eyes wide with awe. It was a virtual mansion, two stories high, spires towering into the sky. It was built in the colonial design, which lent it an air of age and wisdom.
England whistled in appreciation.
"Well, America, you failed to mention that your new neighbor was so wealthy."
America shook his head.
"I heard that he was well off, but I don't really know anything about him."
"Surely you must know something"!
"Nope, I asked around, but nobody I talked to had even heard of the guy. A few people thought the name sounded familiar, but they couldn't remember from where. All I know is that he's wealthy and comes from some obscure, godforsaken region up north that I've never heard of. By the way, I want to thank you all for coming."
"Our pleasure," Germany said. "Besides, we're just as curious as you."
"Still, it means a lot to m… wait, where is Greece?"
"Oh, he's sleeping in the car. You want me to wake him up?"
"Screw it, better to let him snooze in the car that have him fall asleep inside and embarrass us."
America pushed the doorbell.
"LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY OHHHHHHHHHHH"!
The prepubescent voice of Justin Bieber blared out of a hidden speaker. The nations fell to their knees, hands held over their ears.
"What in God's name is that?" Germany yelled over the noise.
"I don't know! It sounds like a someone is castrating a cat"! America screamed back.
There was a crash as England dropped the plate of scones he had been holding.
"Damn"! He cried. "I spent all day making those"!
"Your loss, our gain." India muttered.
As the noise stopped, the door opened, and a pleasant, rather effeminate voice said, "Hello, can I help you?" The nations stared. Standing in the doorway was a tall, pale man. He was a handsome man, with black hair and clear, blue, if somewhat unsettled, eyes.
"Hello," America said. "My name is America. I'm your new neighbor. My friends and I wanted to come by and welcome you to the neighborhood."
"Oh how thoughtful"! The man exclaimed. "My name is Canada, and it's a pleasure to meet you. Please come in"!
"Thank you." India said graciously as they stepped inside. "You have beautiful… home."
The five nations stepped dead in their tracks. In contrast to the outside of the house, the inside looked like a elaborate hunters cabin. The walls were made of logs, which were covered by an army of Moose heads, sets of antlers, and Boogie Basses. Thick rugs covered the floor.
Strangely enough, there was not a gun in sight.
The five nations almost jumped out of their skin as a loud bellow came from upstairs.
"Never mind that," Canada laughed. "That's just Frederick, my pet reindeer. Please come this way.
Canada led them into a spacious living room, and seated them in comfortable chairs behind a large coffee table. America looked around. More moose heads and Boogie Basses lined the walls. A fire burned in the fireplace, above which hung a huge ax.
"That belonged to my grandfather," Canada said proudly. "As did most of the trophies you see, except for the Boogie Basses. My ancestors where hardy woodsman and adventurers, hacking a life out of the wild frontier." He laughed awkwardly. "Of course, that was long ago, in a more backwoods time. I myself pursue more intellectual, civilized pursuits."
No one said anything for a moment. Finally, England broke the silence.
"If I may say, that's some doorbell alarm you have."
"Isn't it! There is nothing like the clear, angelic tones of Justin to welcome guests."
"I take it you are a fan of Mr. Bieber?" England asked, his tone betraying just the slightest hint of misgiving.
Canada laughed. "Oh, I'm a a site more than that. We grew up together. It was due to my influence that he is the musical genius we know and love today"!
England looked like he had just come face to face with a resurrected Adolf Hitler. America quickly stepped in. "I beg your pardon, allow me to introduce my friends. This is England, this is Germany, this is France, and this swarthy gentleman is India."
Canada clapped his hands together in a disturbingly girly fashion. "Oh, India! This is a wonderful surprise! I am a huge fan of yours"!
India flushed. "Well thank you, but I'm really not..."
"Please, wait here, I have something to show you"! Canada turned and bolted from the room.
For a minute, there was no sound but the ticking of the clock on the wall.
"Well," America finally said. "He certainly seems… friendly."
"Oui," France replied slowly. "But do you not think him a little… odd? I mean, look around you."
"Perhaps," India said tentatively. "But he seems to mean well, I'm positive that under all the excitement and questionable decorative skills you'll find a grounded, intelligent..." The rest of the sentence died in his throat as Canada reappeared, wearing a full length sherwani, made of a gold color so bright that most people would be scared to wear a scarf made out of it. Canada placed his hands together in a praying position and bowed, an childish smile stretching from ear to ear.
"I wanted to honor you in the custom of your land." He said cheerfully. "A good friend of mine, Justin Trudeau, gave this sherwally to me. He is an expert on your culture, India."
"You don't say." India managed to squeak.
"Indeed! He made this 100% authentic outfit just for me! I believe it is called, 'Bollywood', Is that the correct term?"
India's eyes rolled back in his head and he swayed from side to side with a groan. England grabbed him before he could fall out of his chair.
"Is he alright? Is something wrong?" Canada asked innocently.
"No, he's fine," England answered quickly. "I think he's a bit dehydrated. Do you have anything to drink?"
"Of course! Just give me a moment"!
"Mon Dieu!" France hissed after Canada left. "Did you see that?"
"I wish I hadn't," America answered weakly. "He looks like something out of a bad Star Trek episode. Is India okay?"
"I'm fine," Came the weak response. "I just need a moment to compose myself. My God, I went to war with Pakistan over a lesser insult than that thing."
"Quiet!" England whispered. "Here he comes"!
Canada walked in carrying an armload of bottles. He quickly passed out a half dozen of them to each nation.
"Molson Canadian Beer, my own special recipe. Help yourself, I have 1,500 more bottles down in the basement. He popped off the lid of a bottle, raised it to his lips, and downed it in less that three seconds. "Ah!" He sighed. "Lovely stuff, I drink it almost exclusively, much tastier than that clear, boring stuff everyone else drinks."
"You mean water?"
"That's it! Incredibly bland, no kick at all, I don't know what people see in it."
Germany choked on his beer, his face turning purple.
"Would you like something to eat?" Canada inquired.
"Oui Oui"! France said. "I would love to try your cuisine."
"Excellent, I promise you, it blow your mind."
As Canada went back into the kitchen, the other nations whirled about to face France.
"What the f##k were you thinking?" America demanded.
"What? I the man offered us food, it would be impolite to refuse."
"You're missing the point!" Germany hissed. "We asked for a simple drink and he wheeled out enough beer to give an elephant liver failure! God only knows what he eats."
"Come, Come," France said soothingly. "Granted the man's behavior has been, uncomfortable, to say the least, but can't imagine his food would be..."
"Here we are"! Canada walked back into the room, balancing three covered trays which he laid out on the table with a flourish.
"For you, my friends, only the best that my homeland has to offer. First, our national dish"!
He lifted the lid of the first tray, revealing a pile of dead, frozen fish. An oily smell filled the room.
Germany glared at France, who refused to meet his eyes. India's brown skin turned white as a dozen pairs of frozen, lifeless eyes stared at him from the platter.
"Second, something for those with a sweet tooth!" Canada lifted the second lid, under which lay a large pot of syrup.
England signed with relief. "I see, Maple Syrup, it looks delicious, but what do we put it on?"
He instantly regretted the question as a look of glee appeared in Canada's eyes.
"Why, the fish of course! Here, let me show you. He picked up a fish and dipped the frozen head into the syrup. "You see?"
England turned the same complexion as the fish.
"And finally," Canada declared. " A very special dish, the most treasured delicacy of my country, Viola"!
Under the third lid lay a pile of green leaves. The five nations stared in confusion.
After a moment, America's eyes widened in horror.
"Is that..."
"Marijuana"! Canada exclaimed joyfully. "The weed of life"!
America, Germany, England, and India fought the urge to back away. France however, eyed the leaves hungrily.
America desperately tried to lead the conversation in another direction.
"So tell me Canada, what do you do for a living? You seem to do well."
"Ah yes, life has been good to me. I dabble in many areas, hockey, drugs, stuffed moose heads, but my passion is healthcare."
"Healthcare?"
"Yes, back home, I have developed a revolutionary new healthcare system unlike anything ever conceived! It's very simple. I force people to pay me criminal amounts of money, and in return, I provide them with the best medical service on the planet."
America looked slightly cynical. "The care you provide is really that good?"
"Absolutely! Under my system, you only need to wait eight or nine hours to get a shot of penicillin. And if you need to see a medical specialist for anything, it takes a mere five to seven months"!
There was the loud thump as America fainted and fell to the floor.
"I know, right?" Canada exclaimed. "It truly is a modern day miracle"!
As England and India frantically waved smelling salts under America's nose, Germany cocked an eyebrow.
"Are you sure nobody has tried this system before? I remember my grandfather telling me that my country did something in the 1940s that sounds very similar to what you're describing."
Canada emphatically shook his head. "Absolutley not! If this system had been tried before, surely it's great success would be known around the world"!
Just then, America came to with a groan. India and England helped him to a chair.
"I'm sorry." He said.
"Don't worry aboot it." Canada replied.
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said don't worry aboot it." Canada repeated. "Why, a while back, I was enjoying a nice double-double in town, and this silly Newfie walked by. He'd had one to many mickeys, if you know what I mean. The drunk dufus hanged a larry right into the street, got into quite a kerfuffle with the mounties. The whole thing was a total gonger.
America looked like he was about to faint again. Thankfully, India had the foresight to grab a bottle from the heaping pile of beer and hand it to his friend, who gratefully gulped it down.
"Canada," India said. "It was a pleasure to meet you, and I can't thank you enough for your…uh… hospitality. But I'm afraid we must be going."
"What!" Canada cried in dismay. "So soon?"
"Yes," India said in the most apologetic tone he could muster. "America here is not feeling well, and we need to get him home so he can rest, isn't that right?"
America's head bobbed up and down frantically.
"I am so sorry to hear that." Canada said. "Is there anything I can do? Perhaps I could take him to my hospital, the doctor could see him in about three weeks."
"No no no no no no no no," Germany interrupted. "We couldn't think about imposing, we'll just take him home. France, we're leaving. France? Where are yo… uh-oh."
France was slumped over the table, eyes glazed over, chewed Marijuana leaves spilling from his open mouth. "Marie Antoinette was a complete bitch," He muttered. "And If Louis XVI was straight, then I'm a Protestant."
Germany closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten.
"Oh No!" Canada exclaimed. "I fear your friend has had to much weed. Most people don't have the special tolerance to it that I have."
Germany smiled tightly. "It's okay," He hissed through his teeth. "No harm done. England, India, help him please."
The two nations helped France to his feet and guided him to the door. As they stepped outside, America turned to their host.
"Thank you so much for your… generosity."
Canada stepped forward and hugged America, who turned as stiff as a icicle.
"Be sure to visit any time you like"!
"F##k Napoleon! That backstabbing little shit"! France crowed drunkenly.
"Of course! We'll come back soon"! America lied enthusiastically.
As soon as Canada disappeared back inside the house, America and Germany bolted for the car, running as fast as their legs could carry them. England and India followed close behind, dragging the stoned France along with them. America jumped behind the wheel as the others literally hurled France into the back seat, right on top of Greece, who came awake with a wheezing gasp. "What the… oh, are we there"?
"There and gone"! America snapped, jamming the key into the ignition. The car roared to life, and he slammed on the accelerator, sending the vehicle blasting off down the road at breakneck speed. Greece cried out in alarm as he was slammed up against the rear windshield.
"What in God's name is going on"?! He demanded. "We'll tell you on the way home," Germany said glumly. "Suffice it to say, you'd need to see it to believe it."
See you tomorrow!