How to annoy the Avengers
Written by: Tony Stark
Part 1: Steve Rogers, aka Captain freaking America
When you are living with five other freaks under your roof, you must consider the fact that if you are me, Tony Stark, they will get annoyed even by your presence. That's because you're too badass for them.
Why don't we start with Steve?
Let's see… Steve is easy to fool since he's not exactly as young as he looks and he's not from this timeline. There are so many things you can do to him. He basically has a prank target behind his back.
If he asks for your help in how to use the blender, just say: "Push that red bottom, spill the ingredients inside and LEAVE it open." Then, ran as fast as you can from the kitchen before Steve notices that you told him how to do it the WRONG way.
On a typical day, you might find him reading a few magazines on the technology of today. If he asks you to teach him a few things from this century, just hand him a tech magazine from twenty years back. Believe me, he'll find it new. Until he discovers you tricked him into reading something outdated, make a run for it.
Call him a ninety year old virgin. The look on his face will be priceless. Make sure to have a camera by hand.
Start talking science with your average science bro, preferably Bruce Banner. You'll adore how confused Steve looks.
Start fangirling over some hot actress/actor in front of him. Again, take a picture of how confused he looks.
When you have enough pictures of his confused face, pick the most ridiculous and post it on the internet. If he asks why so many girls are outside of the Avengers Tower just say: "Check the internet." When he finally gets access after two hours of trying to turn on a computer, make another run for it.
Grab a video camera and hide behind something so you can record him singing 'BINGO'. Show it to Clint. He'll take it from there.
Tell him he's old fashioned, too old and has a horrendous sense of style. He'll just walk away. If you tell him "Peggy Carter was a Hydra agent."… He'll probably leave a nasty black eye in your face.
Note to yourself: Never insult this 'Peggy Carter'. The impact of his fist with your eye will literary send you to the medical bay.
Tell him that Fury is a space pirate. Then laugh when he asks Fury if that's true.
Ask him if his birthday is in 4 of July.
On his 'real' birthday, give him a book called 'Twenty first Century for Dummies.' Laugh whenever he tries to do all the things in the book. Also, since he is Captain America, that gives you an excuse to throw 4 of July fireworks twice a year.
Instead of singing the traditional Happy B-day song, sing the national anthem.
Show him the movie Titanic. Laugh as he sobs uncontrollably at the end of the movie.
Part 2: Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye.
He's not as easy as Steve, but is fun enough to mess around with. You see, he's more complicated to bother, because he is a spy and he can blackmail you. Believe me, I know.
Let me tell you how to best bother him.
First, you need insurance. That means, something you can blackmail him with. And it must be something big so when he tries to blackmail you, you throw his shit to his face.
Tell him he's the modern Robin Hood. He'll just laugh and take it as a complement. Tell him he's cupid (throwing a little bit of your 'insurance'), he'll shut the hell off and he'll walk away.
When he is taking a shower, enter quietly to his bathroom and yell: "I AM LOKI OF ASGARD!" He'll scream and attempt to get out of the shower. When he finds you are the one that was there, make a run for the safety of your ass.
Ask him which one is his favorite movie. When he tells you, just say: "I don't think so. I think you are more into Hunger Games."
When he's walking through the hall, yell at him: "HEY, KATNISS!"
Put a hidden camera in his room and record him watching his favorite TV series he so much neglects he doesn't like. The next day at breakfast with the rest of the team, scream at him when he arrives: "I knew you liked Game of Thrones!"
Later in the hall, yell something else: "Hey, Katniss! How's Peeta?"
He spills one of your dirty secrets in front of the team because you deserve it. You remember the little 'insurance' and smirk mentally. You just shrug and say: "You love Natasha, don't deny it." His face will be crimson red. Make sure to take a picture of it.
Ask him if his ancestors were from the crusades.
Tell him that Loki was coming to live with us. Watch as he attempts to commit suicide while Natasha tries to convince him that it was your joke. Prepare to be his next target, with an apple in your head.
Cosplay as Loki and walk into the room where Clint is. Run as he tries to shot you with all the arrows he has.
Send him a picture of Loki. Watch as he faints.
Sing to him the Hunger Games parody of Set Fire to the Rain by Adele. Watch as he hits his head with the wall in annoyance. Here are the lyrics.
I set fire the bread,
watch it burn and then mom slapped my face.
Then she screamed and I cried
and I ran outside into the rain.
The rain!
I set fire to the bread,
and then threw it at Katniss' head.
Then she screamed and I cried
and I ran back inside out of the rain.
The rain!
Part 3: Natasha Romanoff, aka Black Widow
Don't even dare to bother the woman! But since I'm Tony freaking Stark, I'll tell a FEW tricks.
Um…
Tell her she likes Clint?
Seriously, I got nothing.
Oh wait, tell her Clint is dead. She'll try to kill you for saying such joke. You can't lie to the Widow.
Tell her about Fanfiction and the canon pair Steve/Natasha or Clintasha. Watch as she walks away.
Tell her that she has nightmares about the Hulk trying to harm her. You're probably right.
Punch her (as in friendly punch) she'll probably try to slay you.
Part 4: Nick Fury
I had lots of opportunities to bother him. And because he never smiles or shows any emotions other than being serious, he is one of the best targets.
Ask him if he's a pirate. Laugh as he growls.
Ask him if he had a scene in Pirates of the Caribbean. Watch as he glares at you.
Call him Crazy Eye (If any of you saw Harry Potter movies), he'll like the nickname. Ask him if he has a crystal eye under the eye patch, he won't like the nickname anymore.
Ask him why he is bald.
In the middle of an important reunion to save the world, tell him the next statement: "There's an actor called Samuel L. Jackson and he looks so much like you. Are you two twins or something?"
Dye all his eye patches in pink.
Tell him Coulson is alive as in a joke. He'll probably laugh and tell you, you know nothing. What does that even mean?
Tell him Maria Hill wants him dead so she can take his place as director. Watch as he shrugs and says: "It wouldn't surprise me."
Tell the world that Nick Fury is a Brony. Then, run as fast as you can.
Ask him why he wears an eye patch and so does Odin, father of Thor.
Make him read this guidebook written by me, Tony Stark. He'll probably go after me instead of you.
Part 5: Dr. Bruce Banner, aka The Hulk
Finally! We are talking about my best fri- ERR!- science bro! Yeah! Science bro. Not my best friend. Anyway, you should be careful while messing around with Bruce, because he has breathtaking anger issues and he can turn into a big jolly green smashing monster called The Hulk. So, yeah… even I AM careful. But since I'm Tony Stark…
I'll give you a few tips to bother him.
Note to yourself: You must be OUT of your freaking mind to bother Bruce. I do it because I AM Tony…
Poke him. Poke him. Poke him, etc. (If he hulks out, it's not my problem. RUN AWAY!)
Tell him General Ross is in the tower. Watch as he tries to hide in a closet, praying that the old man doesn't find him. Believe me, the Avengers won't let him.
Tell him that he's lucky. If he asks why you are saying that, just tell him: "Because you are green. Green is the lucky color."
If you see me and Bruce talking science (I don't mind of you do it), scream: "SCIENCE BROS UNITED!" and laugh as he slaps his face and I give you a thumbs up.
Tell him he likes Darcy Lewis instead of Betty Ross. Watch as he gets back to work ignoring you. His silence is music to your ears.
If you see him walking down the hall, shout: "Hey, broccoli!"
The minute you walk into the lab to say something inappropriate about him, is the minute The Hulk smashed you. Watch as I laugh at you.
Tell him that Fury wants to hand him over to General Ross. Watch as he freaks out.
Tell him you are his number one fan. Watch as he smiles, then tell him: "Not you, The Hulk." Believe me, that will piss him off.
Tell him he likes to go green.
Ask him if he has a cousin who is a magician named Dylan Rhodes. If he asks why, you answer: "Because I was watching the movie Now You See Me."
Part 6: Thor
This one is fun. You'll love to mess with him. But be careful with his hammer. Point Break has a neat swing with it.
Tell him Jane Foster left him for Loki.
Tell him Loki wants to take over the Earth again. Watch as he goes back to Asgard and tries to suffocate Loki.
Ask if he knows the god of lighting. (Get it?)
Tell him to search for the mouse of the computer. Then laugh as he destroys the computer in search of the mouse.
Call him bolts. Laugh at his confused yet annoyed face.
Tell Jane Foster that Thor will leave her forever. Laugh and eat popcorn while Jane beats up the god of thunder.
Tell Darcy Lewis that Thor dumped Jane. Watch as he gets Tased.
Convince him that JARVIS is the spirit of a man that died on the tower. Then try to stop him if he tries to break the walls to release said 'spirit'.
Make him watch Lion King for the first time. It will remind him of him and his brother (adopted brother) Loki.
Ask why he gets tased when he can control the lighting. Laugh at his speechless face.
Tell him that the Hulk is WAY MORE stronger than him. Watch as he gets smashed.
Tell him that those glowing sticks for kids are magical. Laugh at his fascinated face.
Tase him yourself. Then, run before he uses the hammer on you.
Well, now that I have told all you need to know to annoy the Avengers,
Make sure to save my ass when they run after me.
I really hope this guidebook is a blockbuster, though.
Maybe they'll make a movie of the Avengers.
Yours truly,
Tony freaking Stark.