Author's Note: Sam is in Hell with Lucifer and I have feels! So spoilers for season 11, but since I haven't really been keeping up with that season all too closely there probably won't be many of them in here. I hope you enjoy!

"I went down to the river,

I set down on the bank.

I tried to think but couldn't,

So I jumped in and sank."

― Langston Hughes

This was never supposed to happen.

Sam should've never been left alone, you shouldn't have gone after Amara, you should've picked up your phone when your baby brother called, but you didn't and now your little brother is in Hell with Lucifer, trapped once again in the Cage.

And it's your fault.

It's been hours since you returned to the bunker, since Castiel told you with a shaky voice what Rowena had done, and here you are, sitting, waiting, while Sam is being tortured for what might be an eternity. Every cut your brother receives, every blow he suffers—it's your fault. You know it, Cas knows it, even Sam probably does too if he can think through the pain and all you can do for your brother is wait.

Rowena and Crowley are checking over a few spells, trying to figure out a way to let Sam out of the Cage without letting Lucifer out, but tension rolls through you. You are itching for a fight, ready to spring into action if the situation arises.

This is your fault.

"Dean?"

Cas stands before you, a mug of tea held in his outstretched hand. You shake your head, dismissing it, but the angel is insistent, pushing it in your field of vision once more. You take it and take a sip of the bitter liquid, but it does little to calm you.

"We'll get him out, Dean." The angel tells you with a soft smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He doesn't know if they can do it, if they can actually save Sam, not without unleashing the Devil on the world. There's a question that the angel is afraid to ask—will you damn the world to save Sam?

And honestly, you know what the answer is, as selfish as it is, as wrong as other people might deem it.

You'd do anything for Sam.

Anything at all.

But right now, you just need to focus on getting to Sam and then you can worry about getting Sam out.

"It's not your fault." Castiel places a hand on your shoulder, tries to reassure you, but you shake your head and dismiss him because you know the truth.

Sam is in Hell.

And it is all your fault.

Time passes slowly.

As dawn starts to break, your eyes are burning from the lack of sleep and the adrenaline is starting to seep out from your body and your mind is foggy, but you can't allow yourself to rest.

"You look like crap."

Crowley stands before you and you huff out a dark chuckle. The King of Hell, teasing you once more, how fucked up is that?

"Find anything?" You choose to say instead, forcing yourself to meet his gaze and trying to appear stronger than you are. Truth is though, you're on the verge of collapse, your mind and body exhausted, and you're terrified.

Will this be the time you lose Sam forever?

"Nothing yet." Crowley takes a seat at the table next to you and regards you with a bemused grin on his lips.

"What?" You hiss. You're itching for a fight and all it would take is one careless word to set you off.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Yesterday."

"C'mon Squirrel," Crowley chides softly, sounding like a worried mother hen. "You think you can just bust Moose out of the Cage on sheer adrenaline?"

"Since when have you ever cared—?" The venom drips from your words, but Crowley takes no offense.

"Fine," He rises from the table and chuckles at you. "You want to get us all killed? Good. But I doubt your brother would be so amenable to your plan."

By the time you open your mouth to reply, Crowley is gone.

You sleep.

You dream of Sam's screams echoing, of him being just out of reach, of blood that flows in rivers, of your little brother's lifeless eyes staring upwards at you.

And through it all, Lucifer just cackles.

I guess I owe you a thank you, Dean. After all, you did this.

Six hours later, you wake up.

Castiel is there when you get into the kitchen, the angel's brow furrowed as he regards whatever he has on the plate he's holding.

"Cas—?"

"I made you breakfast." The angel states softly, somewhat sheepishly as he shows you the burnt mess on his plate. You think that perhaps they began life as eggs, but Castiel has managed to burn them enough to erase all recognition.

"Thanks."

You can't eat it, but it's a kind gesture.

"When Sam returns, I shall ask him to teach me once more."

You swallow past the lump of emotion clogging your throat and you nod, "Yeah, sounds like a plan."

It's been two days since Sam returned to Hell and to your younger brother that must be a small eternity. The torture he must be enduring, the suffering at Lucifer's hand—it's all your fault.

"Dean."

Castiel's cerulean gaze is suddenly inches away from your face and you do your best not to stagger back in surprise.

"We will get him back."

You manage to say, "Yeah, I know."

But you've never been patient, never been one to be able to step back and let someone else do the necessary work—you've always been the take action, deal with the consequences later kind of guy.

"And Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop blaming yourself."

It's easier said than done.

Dad would be so disappointed in you right now.

John Winchester would've never allowed this to happen. He would've been one step ahead the plan or figure out some ingenious way to rescue Sam without the threat of possibly freeing Lucifer. If you were more like your dad, Sam wouldn't be even in this mess.

Then again, if you were more like your dad, you'd probably be dead. Sam would be dead. You would've killed him when he asked you to, all those years ago. Your father would've seen the big picture, would've weighed Sam's life against the lives of everyone else when making his decision.

But, you aren't like your dad.

And sure, you've screwed up plenty of times, but you and Sam, you've overcome everything thrown at both of you. If you can stop the Apocalypse, you can stop the Darkness.

You can save Sam.

You will save Sam.

No doubts about it.

Author's Note: Next chapter, Sam's back and Dean takes care of him while Sam deals with the aftermath of Hell. Please review if you have a moment. Thanks.