Artemis Fowl Attends Hawthorne Heights
By Spectra16 (I spend hours in front of the mirror making my hair elegantly disheveled.)
A/N: Welcome! And welcome back to those of you who just finished 'Smart. Beautiful. Entropy.'! The ending was so lame, wasn't it? But believe it or not, I planned it all that way. Isn't it sad? I cried. Anyways, this story is going be a tad bit better, like the beginning of Smart Beautiful etc. And I apologize in advance for the Harry Potter references. And also forgive me for only being 2/5 through the Lost Colony. I'm trying. But ever since there was mention of a genius girl, I've been purposely avoiding reading fanfare, just in case Colfer ruins it for me.
Disclaimer: Woe hoe! I don't own Artemis Fowl. But if you'd like a cup of Indian spice tea, I'll be glad to make you some, dear.
Oh yeah. I'll probably make fun of Say Anything (or at least steal lines from their songs and name my chapters with them), but in truth, they are one of the only indie bands I love. I also love Death Cab for Cutie, but they're not hardcore 'lets-be-anti-everything' sort. I also do not Sherlock Holmes. And I apologize to Dr. Watson, because I love him and treat him unfairly in this chapter.
Summary: After Beautiful. Smart. Entropy., life is back to normal for the characters of the Artemis Fowl series, written by Eoin Colfer. But how long can that last in a Spectra16 fan fiction? St. Bartleby's burns down under suspicious circumstances and the school is divided and Artemis is sent to the nearest private school, appropriately named Hawthorne Heights. There, he meets new friends and familiar teachers while learning a little about himself. But will his new friendships go awry? And will Artemis Fowl senior and Sirius Black get into fandom clashing trouble? Will Holly and Trouble fall in love? Will Root get another cameo even though he's dead? Will Spectra16 finish reading the Lost Colony? And will she get flamed by poser emo kids? Find out in Artemis Fowl and Hawthorne Heights!
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Chapter One: Burning Thumbs Leaves a Burning School
Three days before I return to St. Bartleby's School for Boys, which is, in fact, a school that has no females in it. And should never. Women are honestly a distraction to many pitiful male creatures and are only good for reproducing. I'd never trouble myself with being companions with a girl, simply because there is no such thing as an intelligent, low maintenance, beautiful girl who isn't needy. I discovered this year ago, and have never written about my research in this journal. I simply do not think of the opposite sex. It is not something to be troubled with. I am far too busy to think about girls and especially not their bodies.
Butler snickered and turned the page that had just been written in. Dim light filtered into the room from a gray sky outside. A cup of tea had been left moments before by a boy genius who did not bother with cold Earl Grey. Artemis was far from his room and Butler figured now was an opportune time to read the thoughts of his principal, simply because he knew how the manor creaked when anyone walked in it. For Butler, the Fowl mansion was a fantastic place for surveillance even when he wasn't watching the hidden cameras. Every board squeaked, every draft of air a result of someone's movement. It was a bodyguard's dream, such an old house as the one Artemis lived in. It was a shame he'd be going back to school. The whole summer had been a waste of time. Butler had tried earnestly to get a girlfriend for Artemis, who was clearly being very hormonal but trying desperately to hide it. Butler figured that Artemis saw it as a weakness, but even the extraordinary teen genius couldn't avoid a pimple or blushing whenever he was near Juliet.
In any case, Butler kept reading the young man's journal and felt no remorse for it.
Anyways, Holly called the other day. She said something about the end of the world and mentioned Limbo and something else, but I was busy trying to think of ways to drive Dr. Po out of the country. This has been my most difficult plot but that may be because I haven't had much time to prepare and even less time to execute. This year, I'm hoping I can scare him off before my final year at St. Bartleby's. I left him in tears last year, the final day of school, and I hope to pick up from where I left off.
Butler pressed his lips together and raised his eyebrows. He nodded and continued to read. There was a few stick people (err. . . Stick-Americans) drawn at the bottom of the page. One had an angry face and strangely looked like Artemis as a stick figure. The other was kneeling before the Artemis one and looked sad. And there was a sunshine with a smile in the background. Butler snickered more and kept reading.
Apart from my mixed feeling about St. Bartleby's, one feeling anticipation and one of annoyance should I return, I'm concerned about my family, all of whom are acting far too strangely. I'd say there was some sort of conspiracy of my demise, but I believe their actions to be genuine. My mother has taken a liking to a woman named Martha Stewart, whom has a television show and several books about home decorating and cooking. My father, however, is acting far more strange. He talks about fairies and unicorns and the sort. I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd think he knew what I was up to, but his understanding of mystical creatures is far more primitive than my understanding. And in a fit of queerness, he decided to fly to Scotland to seek out a creature called 'hippogriff'. I asked Holly about this, but she says the magic she used on his surgery might have damaged his frontal lobe. I inquired that the damage might be due to the minor accident I had during my driving test that I was not in the mood for. But my father brought it upon himself. I was going to brake suddenly! He didn't need to throw himself from a moving vehicle like that.
Butler held his gut in serious suppression of laughter. Any good author would've written that Artemis walks in the room now and explodes at his manservant, but not me. Artemis was buttering a piece of bread for his asiago turkey sandwich downstairs in the kitchen, completely oblivious to his manservant's intrusiveness. Not all karma is bad karma.
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Speaking of which, flames consumed the multi-million dollar private school. A melodramatic man in a cape stood on a hill top, watching the school burn below him. He smirked and snickered like a anime villain. Wind threw around his cape and made the flamed dance below him. The entire mood was quite captivating if you're into that cliché, dramatic, theatrical shit. Embers danced in the air, swirling in swarms, lights in the dark sky. The private school was considerably good burning material and had gone up rather quickly.
The caped man then turned away and walked back to his car and won't be explained for another few chapters when his existence is brought up.
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Angeline stood motionless with the phone to her ear. Artemis watched her silently and with a bit of suspicion, since the only people that called his mother were her Red Hat Society friends, and when they talked, they usually screamed in each other ears and Angeline could be heard from a mile away. But she was quiet and Artemis found this to be odd.
"Oh really?" Angeline asked in a concerned tone. Artemis' ear twitched. Juliet was heard shrieking in laughter a few room away. "Wow. Okay. Well, we'll have to look for another one in the area. Yup. Okay, thank you sir. That's fine. Uh huh. Yup. No. No. Yes. Maybe. Chickens? No way. Oh yes, I think you look wonderful in periwinkle. Yup. You're welcome. Good day." Angeline hung up the phone and walked away without saying anything to Artemis, but he hadn't expected it. Artemis' overly-mentioned-in-fan fiction blue eyes (ones that resembled diamonds in a clear blue creek) followed her until she was out of sight and he shrugged.
Artemis sat on a black leather couch in one of the family rooms in the Fowl Manor. He opened a book titled the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, who Artemis thought to be quaint and oh-so adorable. For the rest of us normal folk, if you've never read Sherlock Holmes, you'd find that he's pretty bad ass.
The boy genius who is occasionally described to look similar to a vampire fell asleep with the book in his lap, still open to a page he hadn't stopped at. His dreams consumed him and in no time, he was on 221 Baker street, looking up at a man with a pipe in the corner of his mouth.
"So you think the dancing men are a series of codes?" The man asked. Artemis nodded slowly.
"The codes talk about fairy people, who were sent to live Underground after the humans ruined the outer earth," Artemis replied. The man nodded, puffing his pipe.
"How old are you, again?" He asked. Artemis smiled with pride and replied.
"Sixteen. And I am available," Artemis replied. Just as he said that, Butler glided by on a cloud and allowed blue birds to rest on his shoulder. Some musak was playing in the background and sounded strangely like YMCA.
"I'd like you to meet my companion Dr. Watson," The man stepped aside and behind him was a pink elephant. Artemis shook the elephant's trunk and went on as if Dr. Watson was a human.
"I've read your book called the Resident Patient. Don't you think it would've done better on the market if your protagonist hadn't died in the end?" Artemis asked. Dr. Watson the elephant did nothing to answer him, but instead, sniffing around for peanuts. Artemis turned back to the man with the pipe, who was obviously Sherlock Holmes, and obviously a human.
"How do you feel about curtains?" Artemis asked. Butler floated past again.
"I think curtains are completely necessary. There were many instances when curtains were my saving grace. When I was being followed and my life was at stake, I couldn't have contacted Dr. Watson without using them to shield myself and put him in danger," Sherlock replied. Dr. Watson waddled off, swinging his tail.
"What about blinds?" Artemis asked. Sherlock looked at him blankly.
"Don't you think that's a bit derogative?"
Artemis sprung up in his couch and realized his father was standing over him. He gazed up with a dumbfounded look on his face and noticed his book was on the floor.
"Hey Artemis. What looks better? The salmon or the beige?" Artemis senior asked, holding up two ties. Artemis starred blankly at the salmon and senior took that as an answer. "Thanks Arty."
The elder Artemis walked away and junior stood up to follow him.
"Are you going somewhere?" He asked his father. Artemis senior turned around and pressed his lips together.
"Yes. Both of us are. I told you about this a week ago! We're going to check out new schools," Artemis senior furrowed his eyebrows. Artemis tried to recall this fact, but he'd honestly never heard of it. His only option was to scratch his head and make a dumbfounded noise with the back of his throat.
"Huh?"
Artemis senior sighed. "I told you a week ago that we need to look for new private schools!"
Artemis wrinkled the right half of his face.
"Why?"
"You're old school burned to the ground," Artemis senior said nonchalantly and turned away.
"WHAT?" Artemis slapped his mouth shut at the outburst. Senior kept walking.
"Wait. This happened a week ago?" Artemis asked. Artemis senior nodded. Artemis scratched his chin and then massaged his temples. His father rolled his eyes, becoming quite annoyed with his son's odd behavior that had been taking place recently. "What day is it today?"
"Sunday."
"But. . . That's odd. What's the date?" Artemis asked. Artemis senior was becoming more and more concerned for his clearly insane son. He only hoped he'd be able to combat his insanity at school so that kids wouldn't make fun of him.
"I can't tell you," Senior replied. Artemis furrowed his eyebrows.
"Why?"
"Because the authoress hates dates and never ever mentions them in any of her stories. Usually she avoids the topic altogether, but your memory lapse is important to the story. I guess it was kind of weird though. . ." Artemis senior looked like he was having a retrospective moment.
"What was weird?" Artemis asked. His father looked at him eerily.
"You were asleep on the couch for a week. I guess that constitutes as odd," Artemis senior mumbled. His son's eyes bugged out and remained silent. Artemis senior quickly cheered up. "Well, get ready. We're leaving in an hour."
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A/N: This is really strange, I'll admit that. But at least no one is out of character. Or at least not REALLY out of character. I hope you enjoyed it. In the next chapter junior and senior and Butler go to a few different schools in Ireland. I know this chapter was a little bland, but I'm trying to work my way out of that because I'm still used to writing for my NaNoWriMo. Thanks for reading!