Wally and Artemis had just sat down to a glorious meal of spaghetti and meatballs - which Artemis was rather smug about, especially since she goaded him into making it. Despite his constant inhalation of food, she had to admit he was a pretty good cook. But before they could even take a bite, Wally received a phone call.
They had been expecting a quiet night in, so this was quite the surprise. As Wally sheepishly answered it, all that could be heard blaring out through the phone was, "FOOTSEX!"
Stunned, Wally held the device a foot away from his ear and stared at it for a couple seconds. "Uhhh, Dick..." he said hesitantly.
Artemis gave him a concerned look and he shook her off dismissively. His phone buzzed again with a text from Dick depicting a picture of a foot - Dick's to be precise. "How much have you been drinking?" he asked, concerned.
The only answer he got was, "Feet!"
At that, Wally's stomach plummeted. He looked around frantically searching for Artemis. "Wow, ok, umm ARTEMIS! Dick is head over heels drunk. What do I do!?" At this, Artemis poked her head around the wall, her blonde hair swaying. She shrugged and disappeared.
Meanwhile, Dick was speaking again. "I only drank this much," he slurred.
"I can't see you Dick, I don't know how much you've drunk… please tell me you don't have patrol tonight." Getting up, Wally walked through the kitchen trying to catch a glimpse of his elusive girlfriend. But all he was greeted by were spotless countertops and a hissing teakettle.
"But, feet," Dick whined. There was a pause, and then: "Can I tickle the Joker's feet?"
Wally's hand froze inches about the teakettle's handle. "ARTEMIS!" he screamed again. Suddenly out of the corner of his eye, a flash of blonde hair appeared, quicker and more irritated than lightning. "What!" she demanded, snatching the phone from Wally's hand pressing the speaker button. "Do not do or touch anything," she ordered into the phone, glaring at it as if Dick could see her. Wally giggled, earning him a hard slap in the face. "Shut up, Wallace."
"That's not what you said last night," he shot back. Quickly realizing his mistake, he zipped out of the way, barely missing Artemis's punch.
Then Dick burst into giggles. "Were you two playing footsie last night?"
"DICK!" they both shouted simultaneously.
"Guess that answers the question," he cackled at the following silence. Artemis was being unusually quiet and Wally could only assume she was trying to blow his phone sky high using only her eyes. She lunged at the phone, ready to tear it to shreds, but was intercepted by Wally's body. She scowled, looking up at him. He angled his body so he could still block Artemis and allow Dick to hear him. "You're drunk, man."
"No shit, Sherlock," she said, loosing her grip grumpily. "What are we going to do with him?" she sighed, resting her head on his chest.
"Whatever you're planning, feet are better. Just trust me on this one guys… feet."
"You need help, Dick," he said, gazing up at the ceiling.
"No, I'm foot," he said confidently.
Wally snorted, more like far from it. Artemis rubbed her face, sighing she said, "Dick, stay put, we'll be over in a few minutes."
Right after they gave him a few instructions involving not eating a snail, they hopped in the car and headed over to Bruce Wayne's mansion. "Where in hell did he get that much booze," Artemis growled.
"Batman has a hidden stash in the cave," he said rubbing his eyes. Glancing over at her it was plain she didn't believe him. "Bruce Wayne receives numerous gifts from people wishing to obtain his fortune. So naturally, when Dick turned 21, he shared it with him, but he hasn't touched it until now, which is odd."
Shrugging, she started the car. It gave a pitiful whine, before finally sputtering to life. "We need to get a new car," Wally muttered.
"Now! You choose to now to say we need a new car now, while your best friend is completely wasted and a probable alcoholic n…"
Wally interrupted her before she could get any further. "He is not an alcoholic. I am positive that there is a logical reason for this," he gestured wildly with his hands.
There was a long span of silence, before Artemis broke it by asking Wally if he had socks on.
"Yes, why?"
"Because Dick's newfound obsession with feet may cause him to saw them off and rub them like rabbit feet."
Wally cringed at her comment, the horrifying image forming in his mind. As soon as they arrived at the manor they knew something was wrong. Everything was pristine, but somehow the house just felt... wrong. Stepping up to the foyer, they knocked on the door, but received no answer. They knocked on the door a couple more times, before giving up and calling their friend.
"Dude, open the door," Wally said irritatedly.
"I already did," Dick protested.
Artemis lunged for the phone. "No you didn't, you're trying to strangle the curtain and staring out the window like a weirdo," she said accusingly.
"You know what, I'll just open the door. Alfred always leaves one under the doormat," Wally said, reaching for the key and opening the door to reveal Dick Grayson, the last surviving member of the Flying Graysons, ward of Bruce Wayne, former Boy Wonder, and current Nightwing, in wrinkled clothes, with a vacant, dreamy look on his face. "Hey, guys."
Dick glanced down at their socked feet. "Feet...?" he asked hopefully. Wally wiggled his toes, proud they hadn't been taken yet. "Where... feet? Walnut… I told you to bRiNg ThEm!" Dick collapsed onto the ground overcome with disappointment.
"Shh, Dick, it's ok," Artemis said, leaning down to rub his back.
"Feet?" he asked, looking up at her, but it was Wally who answered.
"No, Dick, the…uhh… sock monster stole them and left us with socks," he faltered. Artemis meant to glare at him but a smile escaped her lips despite her best efforts.
Horrified, Dick scuttled away and jumped up onto the sofa, perching on the armrest like he used to with Batman. His dark blue eyes darted around frantically, looking for foot monsters. Artemis raised an eyebrow, asking if they needed Batman. But before Wally could answer, Dick rushed out of the room and into his bedroom. His beady eyes glared out from under the bed, and no matter how much they tried he wouldn't come out. "Under bed is safe. I know that because my feet told me so," he hissed.
Wally let out an exasperated sigh. He was going to have to pull out all the stops. "The foot monsters keep all their carcasses under the bed." He pointedly looked at his girlfriend expecting a response but all she did was stick her tongue out at him childishly. Frustrated, he said, "The floor is lava, you have to get out." Instantly, Wally knew he had said the wrong thing for precisely two reasons: one, Dick's eyes started to tear up, earning him an extremely hard punch to the arm from a certain blonde archer (reason 2).
"That's too far, Dick baby come here," she cooed. Dick made as if to move toward Artemis but in a split second, changed his mind and pounced onto, Wally screaming "Save me, my NOBLE STEED!"
The speedster was hit with the overwhelming urge to drop him due to his awful smell. "God, you stink man."
Artemis gave him a sinister smile. That could not be good. "You could give him a bath," she suggested.
Unfortunately Wally couldn't scream due to the two feet being shoved on his face - how they got there, he had no clue. Defeated, Wally sighed and carried his best friend toward the bathroom. Artemis's evil laugh could be heard ringing throughout the house.
[Line break]
When a bedraggled and very wet Wally emerged holding a squirming Dick in his arms, Artemis couldn't help but laugh. Wally looked completely miserable. "I hate you," he mumbled.
"No you don't," she said gleefully kissing his nose. He grumbled pretending to be unhappy.
"I'm naked," Dick announced, and indeed he was, except for the towel. Before they even had time to process what he was doing, he jumped from Wally's arms and ran out the door. Now if anyone had been watching the manor that night, they would have witnessed Dick Grayson in all his naked glory running through the house, butt naked. It took them half an hour to catch him and another 45 minutes to get him dressed.
"I will never look at him the same way again," Artemis announced. She looked at Wally expectantly; he just shrugged. "I've seen worse." Fortunately before she should ask him how Dick bounded in, very much like a 5 year old he thought he was.
Artemis sunk to the ground her head in her hands, mumbling something about never having children. Wally rubbed her back trying to soothe her. He would kill Dick if he ruined any chance of them having children.
"Dick, why don't you go hop in bed," he suggested. Dick looked down at him, clutching the stuffed elephant he hadn't carried around since he was 8. "But, I don't wanna sleep. I want to feet."
Wally thoughtfully ran his hands through his hair, and then it hit him. "I'll tell you a feet story," he burst out, startling Artemis. Dick's face lit up and he jumped up and down with excitement. "OMGG. OKAY. Feet," he squealed jumping eagerly into bed. He didn't think that would actually work. He stammered a bit before an idea formed. "Ok… umm… Wow, where do I start?" he looked pleadingly at Artemis.
"At the beginning," she said unhelpfully. He rolled his eyes.
"Once upon a time there was a foot named Dickie." At this Dick's grin widened. "And he was very lonely, so sometimes he would stare at the moon."
Dick stared at him, shocked "… Wally," he stammered, "feet don't have eyes."
Wally didn't even blink. "Toenails," he replied, without missing a beat.
Dick's mouth formed an O as Wally continued talking. "And he would imagine that the moon was a foot named Wallace."
Artemis punched him, for like, the fourth time that night. "Do you have to be so self obsessed!?"
"IT'S NOT ME! I couldn't think of a better name, sweet baby Jesus, can you not punch me so hard next time!" he looked over at her to make sure she wasn't arranging his funeral. Then he started again, hoping for no more interruptions. "Dickie would often tell him about his day, and as he spent more time with his new friend, he would tell him amazing stories. And then one day he noticed that the moon was so close that it seemed to kiss the earth. The next day, he was especially sad when he went to go visit his friend. The moon was as bright as ever, when a glowing foot jumped out."
At this, Dick jumped up and down screaming "OMG omfg. Are. You. Serious?"
Ignoring the toddlerish behavior, he continued. "And he told him his name was Wallace the Foot Jesus," he stated dramatically clutching the bedpost.
Dick smile vanished and he stopped fiddling with the sheets. "I thought it was the Foot God…you got my hopes up. Feettt," he trailed off, looking distressed.
Just then Artemis came back in. Wally hadn't even realized she left. She handed Dick a glass of orange juice, and he smiled gratefully, and took it. Artie and Wally had a silent argument, but were suddenly interrupted by Dick burbling and blowing bubbles, despite the fact he didn't have a straw. Artemis made a face.
"Aaannnd now back to the story," Wally announced. "Foot Jesus said he heard his tale of woe, and felt bad for him, so he created him a body so he could be free to do as he pleased." At this Dick yawned, Wally raised an eyebrow at Artemis. But she only shook her head and urged him to continue. "He could travel and tell all his stories to all his feet friends and if they listened they would also be granted 3 wishes… wait, wrong story, sorry bodies. They just wouldn't be as awesome," he added as a side note.
Dick yawned. "Wally, your story is awesome, but I'm tired and my head still hurts," Dick fumbled.
Wally ruffled his inky hair knowingly. "Almost done, little bird. So he traveled all over, telling stories." His best friend was struggling to stay awake now, so he quickly wrapped it up. "And blah blah blah foot foot blah blah blah, the end."
They moved to get up and tuck their friend in, and a very sleepy Dick mumbled, "Guuuyyss, go away so I can sleeeepp... Thanks for the story, Walmart."
"No, no," Wally started to say as Artemis dragged him out of the room.
"If you need anything, don't yell," she hissed before pulling her boyfriend off the doorframe. Through the door they could hear him snoring and muttering about feet in his sleep, and it sounded suspiciously like foot sex.
"He cannot call me Walmart, it's absolutely absurd!"
"As ridiculous as calling me Artie," she retorted.
"Only I'm allowed to call you that." He winked at her. "I hope this doesn't mean we're not having kids." His bottom lip quivered hopefully.
"Not for a while," she replied. At this he stroked his phantom beard, seeing no need to pursue the topic any further he asked her a question that had been bothering him. "What did you put in his drink?"
"Melatonin."
He laughed. "That's my girl, drugging children left and right." He slung arm around her and planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek. "Well, I think you'd make a wonderful mother."