I'm Still Here

The armor is empty but my soul remains – I'm here, Brother. I'm still here.

A.N. My inspiration for this story was the beautiful piece of art you now see in the top left corner of your screen (scroll up if you have to). This picture was done by FlorideCuts whose works can be found on Deviantart (see my profile for a link). Thank you to FlorideCuts for the inspiration and for giving me permission to use the picture as cover art.

I'm venturing into a new writing style for this one. Al decided the story needed to be told this way but I gotta say this stream of consciousness thing is a bugger to write. Major angst in this one… just warning you.

Disclaimer: Ed, Al, and all their friends are the property of Hiromu Arakawa. I do not own them, but am grateful for the opportunity to use them in the unleashing of my own imagination.

Rating: This story is rated K+

The seal is broken.

I feel it – like a sudden shock because I hadn't actually felt anything in years – and what I feel… I can't really explain it. It doesn't hurt, exactly. It's like a jolt, a break, a separation… and then nothing. And I'm drifting… free… unattached to anything corporeal. It takes me a moment to comprehend what just happened. Did it… really just happened? Just like that? Is this it then?

I watch as my armor falls and I try to stop it, but I can't… because it isn't a part of me anymore. It's just a shell… a husk… an empty vessel. It strikes hard against the concrete floor but I hear nothing. The helmet jostles apart from the body and rolls noiselessly across the floor. I watch… dazed… waiting… certain that any moment now my consciousness will be snapped away from this place, this time… and brought elsewhere – the Gate, the Truth, the afterlife – whatever place it is that exists beyond death… because… I'm dead now… aren't I?

The moment seems to last for an eternity in what is likely only seconds before my hearing returns – although, it isn't really hearing as I have no ears. It's more a general sense of sound. The sense which comes to me in that instant is perhaps the most horrifying sound I can imagine. It's my brother's voice – but it's not as it should be. There's no warmth in this sound – no strength, no determination, no sarcasm, no confidence. It's lost… broken… scared… scarred… all of the things which my brother should not… could not ever be. I want to stop it! I need to shut off that sound! To make it stop! Somehow!

"No! No! Alphonse! Al! No!" The words become lost within his scream, his cry, his wail.

Stop it! Stop! I don't want to hear it! I don't want to be here! Why am I still here? I shouldn't be! I should be gone! I don't need to hear him calling for me! I can't come back. I can't! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Brother!

He can't hear my words. I can do nothing to comfort him as his cry dies down into a fierce growl and anger flashes in his eyes. His hurt… his pain has turned to fury and he lets it overcome him as he turns back towards our enemies - to the ones who hurt him… who hurt me.

I can do nothing to stop him as he embraces his rage and turns it against those who did this. I watch, horrified as, one by one, our enemies fall at his hand – not dead… gloriously not dead. I could not bear it if he killed for my sake – not to avenge me. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't bring me back. Please brother… don't…

They fall bruised and battered to the sidelines as he nears their leader. He moves faster than I have ever seen – driven by his anger, by his grief. He bears down on the one who destroyed my seal, who tore me away from him, and holds nothing back from his attack. The enemy falls… then stands only to fall again under my brother's onslaught. Over and over, he beats him down until his adversary rises no more. Then it is over.

Brother breathes heavily, glaring down at his foe. He glances back, to the line of fallen enemies behind him and further… to me, or what is left of me… what was me. His eyes widen in horror, then tighten in grief as he turns away and his voice again rises in that unearthly keen. He lifts his arm and brings it down to pummel the motionless body on the ground before him.

No, Brother! No! No more! You'll kill him! Stop! Please! It's no use! Don't! Don't lose yourself! Not for me! Please! Stop! Someone stop him! Please!

I can no nothing. I am helpless. He cannot hear me. He cannot feel me reaching for him. I reach anyway. I reach for him, knowing that it is futile. My hand is not really on his arm. My face is not truly pressed against his back. I have no hands… no face to do this with. And yet… and yet… he stills. He stops with his arm still raised and I feel… I want to believe that somehow I am holding him back.

"Al…" My name tumbles from his lips, barely a whisper.

And then a hand reaches through mine, to grasp my brother's wrist – a white glove and a blue sleeve.

"Fullmetal."

The Colonel… the Colonel is there… and the others as well. Movement and sound – suspects being checked and bound and led off to somewhere else. Brother stands amidst it all, watching… but not seeing – and I watch him.

I'm still waiting. Any moment now… any moment I'll be taken away. That's how it works isn't it? We die and our souls leave this plane. So why… why am I still here? Am I… a ghost? I don't think so. I feel no different than I did when I was within the armor. I'm just… separate now… and somehow… still here, still alive, still… attached somehow.

But the seal is broken. The armor is empty but my soul remains. So then… was it not the armor that I was bound to? Brother sacrificed his right arm to retrieve my soul from the gate. He used his blood to bind me to the suit of armor. What if… what if the armor doesn't matter? What if my soul was bound to something else? What if my soul was bound to the blood… to his blood? And his blood… it remains, coursing through his body, pulsing through his veins. I am here… because he is here. So long as brother remains alive, maybe… maybe there's still hope. Maybe I can still get my body back!

I have to tell him! I have to find away to let him know! I'm here! I'm still here, Brother!

I bring myself out of my thoughts, aware of my surroundings once more, and search for my brother. He is no longer standing amidst the bustling soldiers but has made his way across the room. His steps are slow… faltering… as though he can barely hold himself upright. I watch as he passes the Colonel, conversing with the Lieutenant. They both turn to watch him and the Colonel opens his mouth to speak but the Lieutenant stops him. I turn my gaze back towards my brother as he stops beside the empty suit of armor. He stumbles and his foot bumps against my helmet, causing it to clatter on the hard floor. The sudden sound rings through the room bringing all motion to a halt.

For a moment, there is silence… and then my brother crumbles. His knees give out beneath him and he reaches, gathering my helmet into his arms and holding it close. He bows his head and hides his eyes behind his hair as his body begins to tremble, to shake with silent sobs. I want to cry myself as I watch the tears roll down his cheeks and drip off his chin to plink against the metal in his lap. His grief is overwhelming and, for a moment, I am certain that I can feel it too – the pain, the tightening of the chest, the inability to breath – I haven't breathed in years but now… it hurts... It hurts so much. And I know that this is his pain. I want to comfort him, to soothe him, to bring him some relief.

I need to tell him. I need to let him know that I am here. Then he won't hurt anymore. If he knew… if only there were some way to tell him that I'm still here, that we can still fix this somehow.

I need to tell him.

I reach for him. I wrap myself around him. I will my essence, my soul, my very being to be felt through my embrace.

Please, Brother. Please. I'm here. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. You just need to find me. Feel me. Know that I'm here. And then we can keep moving. We can still find a way. I'm here, Brother. I'm still here.

Weeks have passed. I'm still here… with Brother. He took my armor back with him to Central. The Colonel insisted that Brother stay with him, at his house. I'm glad for that. I think the Colonel is worried that Brother will do something stupid. I'm worried too. Brother hasn't been the same since then – quiet, sullen. I need to find a way to get through to him – to let him know I'm here.

Brother set my armor up in the room that the Colonel said was his. He looks at it all the time. Sometimes he talks to it, like he's talking to me. I talk back to him when he does that. I think… I hope maybe one of these times he'll hear me. I stay close to him always. I reach out to him and wrap myself around him when he cries at night.

During the day, Brother goes to work. He files papers mostly… or sits and stares out the window if there's nothing for him to do. He looks so lost. The guys try to snap him out of it. They tell jokes and tease him a bit – but they're always careful not to touch on anything too sensitive. It doesn't work though. He pretends… a little… to be fine. But he's not. Everyone can tell. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

He isn't eating much. Sometimes I think even I feel hungry when he passes up offers for food. I'd forgotten what hunger feels like. It's strange… now that I'm not attached to the armor anymore I would think there would be less feeling. I have no body whatsoever now. But I do feel – so much more than I have in years. It's not strong, not really tangible. It's just barely there – a sensation of whatever he is feeling. I think I'm somehow more in touch with Brother's body now, because of my blood-bond. I probably would have been able to feel these things before if I had ever bothered to tap into that part of myself. I relied too heavily on my armor then. Now my soul and my blood-bond are all that I have.

I'm starting to understand it better, I think. And I wonder if maybe I can use that connection to communicate with him somehow. I have to try. I have to make it work in reverse. But I think, also, that he has to be open to receiving it. That'll be harder, I think.

Brother is going to do something stupid. I wished before that I knew what he was thinking – now I wish I didn't. I can't hear his thoughts really. It's like with the feeling thing – just a sensation, an impression. But his thoughts are so loud now – screaming, calling out for help. They've been growing louder over the past few days as his grief and depression threaten to overwhelm him. He never voices them, never tells anyone what he's thinking about doing. But I think he wishes someone would stop him.

I see him watching the others – the Colonel, the Lieutenant, the guys in the office – and he stares a lot at the picture of Winry and Pinako that we kept in his suitcase. He hasn't told them – I don't think so anyway – that I'm gone. They'll find out eventually I suppose – around the same time they find out about brother if he does what I think he plans to do.

He can't! Brother, please! You can't do this!

He waits until he is home alone. He sits in his room and stares at the empty suit of armor. "I can't do this anymore, Al." he says. "I can't be here without you. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I promised you… I promised. And now… now I have nothing left. What's the point? I don't want to die… but I don't want to live either. It hurts too much. It hurts, Al…"

I know it hurts. I can feel it too. But I know something he doesn't. I know that there is still hope, but only so long as he lives. He has to live or we'll both be gone.

Brother…

I watch as he makes his preparations. His thoughts are loud again but no one can hear him – no one but me. And what can I do? How can I stop him? He's almost finished and I'm just here, watching, unable to do a single thing. I can't let this happen. It really will be over then. I can't…

Brother! Brother, please! I'm here! I'm here! You can't…

He doesn't hear me. His loud thoughts continue… screaming, begging someone to stop him and I hope maybe he'll stop himself. He doesn't really want this. It goes against the most basic instinct – self-preservation. He'll stop. He will… but he doesn't.

You idiot!

I make my own thoughts loud. I scream. I wrap myself around him, trying to hold him back. He won't! I won't let him!

You idiot! You have to live! You can't die! You can't give up hope! I won't let you! Live brother! Live! I'm still here! We can still figure this out. You can still find a way to bring me back, but only if you live. You can't do that if you're dead, you idiot!

His body shakes and he makes a sound that's somewhere between laughter and sobbing. He lifts his head to stare at the armor. "Even now, Al? Even now you'll stop me?" He chokes back his tears. "Just like before, huh? I really am an idiot… I just don't know what to do anymore. I need you, Al. I need you."

I'm here. I'm here, Brother. Please don't give up.

He gasps and freezes. "Al?" he whispers.

He hears me! He feels me! He knows I'm here! Brother! Brother, can you hear me?

He chuckles and wipes away his tears. "I must be going crazy."

No! No, Brother, you're not. I'm here. Really!

"Okay… I won't do it… I'll live. I don't know how but I guess I'll find a way. That's what you would want… and you'd probably kick my ass if I didn't…"

Brother… he doesn't know I'm here. But at least… at least I have more time now. And he heard me once. I'm sure of it. I just need him to hear me again.

He talks to the armor a lot more now. I wish he'd forget about the armor. I'm not there anymore. But at least he's listening now. I think he wants to hear me respond. I try, every time. I make my thoughts loud and sometimes… sometimes I think he hears me. But he's still not sure what it is. He still thinks he's going crazy, or that his mind is filling in the blanks. He's still depressed, still quiet.

The Colonel was furious when he discovered what Brother was going to do. He yelled for a solid ten minutes and threatened to keep Brother under constant surveillance. Brother just sat there and I stayed with him. When the Colonel was finished, my brother met his eyes for the first time in weeks. "I won't," was all he said.

Havoc brings something back from the mess for Brother to eat. Brother just shakes his head and looks back out the window. I hate it when he does this. He needs to eat. He's wasting away and I can feel it too now. I know he's hungry.

Eat, Brother.

He doesn't hear me. I growl and make my thoughts louder. He will hear me this time.

Eat, you idiot!

He gasps and turns around. He looks at me. He doesn't see me but he stares right at me. He knows I'm there. He frowns and his eyebrows draw together the way they do when he's trying to figure out a complicated alchemical equation. Then, slowly, he nods.

"Havoc?"

"Yeah, Chief?"

"I think I will have some… I'm kind of hungry."

"I don't believe in ghosts."

I'm not a ghost, Brother.

I make my thoughts loud and combine them with the impression of shaking my head, rolling my eyes – anything that will get the idea across. He can't really hear me, but he can feel me, I think, so long as he's paying attention and I make myself loud. He's starting to figure it out. He's talking to me now, even if he is still looking at the armor.

"That's a no, right? You're not ghost then. But you are here."

I wrap myself around him, holding him tightly as I nod and smile and push those impressions upon him. Yes, Brother. I'm here. I can feel his body relaxing even as he wraps his arms around himself as though returning the embrace.

"I want to believe it." He whispers. "I want it to be true. But how do I know I'm not just imagining things. I want you to be here so badly. What if my brain is just conjuring these impressions to fill the empty space?"

I'm not sure how to answer that. I know I'm here. I can't really be a figment of his imagination if I'm aware of myself. I've been here since the moment I left my armor so… I'm real, aren't I? But how do I express that to him without words? How do I make him understand?

"Let's say this is real – that you really are here." He stands and starts to pace around the room. I follow him closely, reaching out, touching him in the only way I can. "How is that possible? The blood seal was broken. The armor is empty. But your presence remains? Your soul? Is your soul still here?"

Yes! Yes! I nod loudly. I clap. I cheer. I push happy, affirmative emotions towards him and he freezes, his eyes wide open.

"Okay! Alright, I get it!" He holds up his hands as though to ward off my excitement. Then he lowers them as shock and wonder overtake his expression. Suddenly, he grins – it's the first time he's smiled since the seal was broken. "You really are here, aren't you, Al?"

I can feel his relief, his joy, his excitement. I take it all in and put it back out ten-fold. And then he's laughing. I laugh with him and I think maybe he can really hear me this time because he whoops and jumps and falls back onto his bed. I hold him tightly and let my happiness flow into him.

No one believes Brother when he tells them I'm still here. He doesn't really tell them though. They figure it out when they hear him talking to me, when they see him earnestly studying – reading up everything he can about souls and blood seals. They know he thinks I'm still here. They don't know that he's right. They think he's gone a little crazy. They don't fight it too much though – not when they see him smiling and hear him laughing. He's eating again – with even more of an appetite than he had before.

Some people are worried about him. They say it's unhealthy. They say he needs to face reality. They're worried he's going to try to bring me back the way we tried with mom. Brother just rolls his eyes at that. "I'm not stupid. Human transmutation doesn't work. You can't bring the dead back to life. But Al's not dead. He's here. I just have to find a way to get his body back."

Our quest hasn't changed. We're still looking for the same thing and I think we're closer to understanding it now than we were before. It's Colonel Mustang who finally gets the others to leave him alone. He talks to them when he thinks Brother and I aren't listening.

"There's fire in his eyes again. He's determined and nothing any of us say is going to get him to stop. He's not hurting himself or anyone else. I say we let him be."

"Do you believe him, sir? Do you really think Alphonse is still here?"

"I believe that he believes it and if there is any chance at all, Fullmetal will be the one to find it. If not, he'll come to that conclusion on his own."

We thought about rebinding my soul to the armor. Brother did anyway. "If it's my blood that you're bonded to, then really, I could bind you to anything. I could put you back in the armor – or maybe I could make something else, something easier to get around in."

No, Brother. Don't. I'm okay like this. It's not worth the risk if something should go wrong.

"No? You don't want to try?" He sighed. "I miss hearing your voice, Al. It'd be a lot easier to communicate. And then you could help me again, with the research and stuff."

It's already easier, though. We've gotten better at talking this way. It's still mostly impressions and ideas, but now that he's open to hearing me, I don't have to think so loud. He picks up on stuff faster. He mostly just talks though – because he can I suppose. It's weird to think everything. Talking is more natural for him. And it's easier for me to understand anyway.

Besides… I can feel again. I couldn't feel anything in the armor. Now I can feel what Brother is feeling. I can sleep too… sort of. When brother is sleeping I can drift out of consciousness only to return when he wakes up. It's nice, being able to rest like this. No more endless lonely nights. I don't want to go back to that. Right now, Brother is my only contact with the rest of the world. I'm trapped in a way that I wasn't before. But I'm also free. It's like Equivalent Exchange. I've lost something, but I've gained something else and eventually we'll find a way to bring my body back. For now, I'm okay. I have Brother, so I'm okay.

Brother is hurt. He's hurt badly and there's no one here. There's nothing I can do.

Hold on, Brother! Just hold on! Help is coming! Just wait!

But help isn't coming. No one knows he's here. He's bleeding… dying.

Brother…

"Al…" his voice is so weak. "Al, I won't let you die with me." He can barely move but he forces himself, drags his injured, bleeding body to a pile of scrap metal in the corner.

What are you doing, Brother? You have to stay still! Don't move! You'll only lose more blood if you do that.

His blood… the only thing that is keeping us both alive. I wonder if I'll linger on after he is gone. No! No, don't think that way! He'll be fine! He has to be. And if he's not, I won't stay without him. We'll go together. What are you doing, Brother?

He claps his hands together and lays them on the pile. A flash of blue light and then… a shiny new suit of armor rests on the ground beside him. Brother's thoughts are obvious now. I know what he's trying to do.

No! No, Brother! I told you! I don't want to go back!

My thoughts are loud. I know he can hear me. But he presses on, using his own blood to draw the seal inside the armor.

"I'm sorry, Al." he gasps through the pain. "I know you didn't want this. But I can't let you die with me. My blood will keep you here. Take it. Take all of it. Use it to get your body back. Whatever it takes, Al. Don't give up."

No! You don't give up! Idiot! You're not allowed to die! You're not allowed to choose this!

"I'm not giving up, Al. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to hold on. But help's not coming. You're the only one here, Al. I have to give you a chance. Maybe… Maybe you can save me too… but you need a body to do that. I'm sorry. I know you didn't want this. But it's the only way."

He's right. He's right! I can save him! If I have a body, I can save him. I'll take it. I'll take the armor. I'll go back and I'll save him. We'll both be fine.

Okay… Okay do it, Brother. Seal me back in the armor.

He nods and tries to smile but it's really more of a grimace. "See you soon, Al." Then he claps again and the blue light flashes.

I feel a tug, a tightening around somewhere inside my chest and then my whole being… and then nothing. I can't feel anything. But I can move.

The metal armor clanks as I stand and retrieve my head. I look down at my brother and he blinks wearily back at me. "Hey, Al…" then he coughs and a spattering of blood coats his lips.

"Brother!" I start at the sound of my own voice but press onward, gathering my brother into my arms.

It doesn't take me long to reach the hospital. The doctors take him back into a room and I sit down to wait. It's weird… to not be near him. I haven't left his side in months. I haven't been able to. But now… we are separated again. I'm trapped inside this metal shell and he is somewhere else. All I can do now is wait.

I tune out sounds and movements in the waiting room. I focus inward; to the blood seal that binds me to my brother. I reach out and I can feel him. He's still there, still alive. And our connection remains unbroken. If I focus, I can feel his pain. It's lessening now as the medication takes hold and the doctors treat his wounds. He's going to be alright. I can tell.

" Alphonse?!"

I am startled out of my connection by the Colonel's voice. I look up into his stunned face. I would smile if I could. Someone should say, I told you so, but I think I'll let Brother do that when he wakes up.

People used to remark on my uncanny ability to know what my brother was thinking and vice versa. When we got really deep into our research or found something particularly exciting, we could easily finish each other's sentences. Sometimes all it took was a gesture from me or a look from him and we could carry on complete conversations without really saying anything.

It's worse now… and it drives everyone crazy. We don't even have to be in the same room. I can have a sudden, strong thought about something and brother will get up from whatever he is doing to come answer my question. Sometimes we'll just sit in silence, conversing only through ideas and impressions until one of us bursts out laughing or finally gets the urge to say something out loud and everyone else in the room just stares – or complains.

I've learned a lot about my blood seal and how to use the connection between us. I can let myself feel things through him. It annoys him sometimes… especially when I ask him to pet a cat just so I can get the impression of feeling soft fur beneath my fingers. He just rolls his eyes and does it anyway.

Our fighting technique has gotten even better. We used to be able to predict each other's moves through familiarity and practice but it was usually a good guess at best. Now I know exactly what he's going to do before he does it and he knows what I am going to do. It makes for some interesting sparring matches but we're almost unstoppable in battle. We work as a single unit.

But the best part about our connection is that I can still sleep… sort of. At night, as we lay in the darkness, I allow my consciousness to drift away from the armor and into Brother's resting mind. My armor lays empty as I wrap myself around my brother and hold him tight. He can feel me and he stirs lightly from his sleep.

"Al?"

I'm here, Brother. I'm still here.

He hears me and smiles, and then drifts back to sleep. I follow him there and I know that everything will be alright.