Title: Something I Want To Say

Author: Caitlin "Jinx" Wasson

Rating: G

Category: MSR

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Archive: Wherever, just keep my name on it and let me know where.

Disclaimer: I do not own the X-files or its characters. I am not doing this for profit so please don't sue! I'm broke after I bought a new French horn. (I really needed one.)

Summary: Based around some poems I wrote. Scully stumbles across some poetry of Mulder's and decides what to do next. Somewhere in the seventh season I think

Spoilers: A little Emily.

It was late, after my normal work hours, but I had a secret mission to complete, a conspiracy against Mulder, as he might think.

I was going to clean off his desk.

Mulder has always been decidedly untidy and quite frankly, he doesn't care.

"It's easier for me to find things," he tells me.

I guess neatness comes with the second X chromosome. However, the enormous stacks of files and sunflower seeds were beginning to annoy me. So, with a dust rag and Windex in hand, I set out to clean out the desk. In the first few drawers, all I found was a shocking amount of sunflower seeds and several magazines, most of which I will choose not to mention the title or what they contained.

No, it wasn't until the third drawer on the right that I got the shock of a lifetime. There was a folder with the label "To Dana K. Scully." I opened it, out of curiosity, expecting to find his will or some similar legal document that I was to be in charge of. Just try to imagine my shock when I found three poems, all addressed to me.  

There's something I want to say

But I can never really tell you

It would ruin everything good we have

And our good times would be through

Yet still I long to tell you

And get this off my chest

But I must restrain myself

Because you deserve the best

Although this hurts me deeply

I'm sure it's for the better

Because if I ever told you

It'd ruin our lives forever

But since you'll never receive this

I guess I'll put the words here

The truth is that I love you

And will always hold you dear

Yes, that's right I love you

But I guess you'll never know

Because it would kill me to realize

That you didn't love me too

I wish it were not true

You can't realize how much I do

But I guess you can't help who you love

And can just hope they love you too

I know that you don't share my feelings

I don't expect you to

I know I am difficult to love

Because of everything I do

I just hope that you won't hate me

For falling in love with you

Even though I know

That you don't love me too

            My heart beat faster. This was so unlike Mulder. Could it possibly be true that he was actually writing these poems? It looked that way; after all, it was in his decisively sloppy handwriting.

            I couldn't believe it. He had really written it, could it possibly mean…?

            I began reading the next one.

Oh my love how you hurt me Even though you don't mean to

When you hurt I hurt as well

Because of what they did to you

They took away your daughter

Your only blood child

And you'll never have another chance

At least not for a while

I promise I will help you

And give you what you secretly desire

So you can have the child

That I know will take you higher

I promise never to leave you

Like too many people have done

And left you all alone

Without anyone

I could never do that

Because I love you so

And I promise you my darling

I will never go

            He really did love me! I hardly dared to hope but I didn't take the time to think about that, I turned to the third and final poem, the one that made everything crystal clear.

Ah my darling Scully

You mean everything to me

I wish you'd say you loved me

Then we could be free

I know I'll always love you

Because you complete my soul

Even though I don't deserve you

You're what makes me whole

I wish that I could tell you

What's inside my heart

But if you shot me down

It would break me apart

Please tell me that you love me

And you'll never let me go

Because I couldn't live

If you ever told me no

I'm afraid to tell you this

And learn that you don't feel the same

Because I know I'd die

Of the hurt and the shame

Please tell me that you love me

I really hope you do

Because if you say you always will

I'll always be with you

            Tears started rolling gently, slowing down my cheeks. He loved me and I loved him too. I had to tell him!

            Wait!

            He'd know I'd read his poems that he didn't want me to read.

            Oh well. He'd be happy once he knew that I loved him too. Without another thought, I left my task of cleaning the office half finished, grabbing my car keys and rushing out of the building to Mulder's apartment.