This was just an idea stuck in my head that I had to write down. It's Dumbledore testifying before the Ministry of Magic, to the tune of 'American Pie.' Sorry that there's no real conclusion, that's just how it turned out. Julius sounded like a likely name for Draco Malfoy's grandfather.
Was a long, long time ago,
But I can still remember
When Tom Riddle used to be a kid.
And I knew if I trained him right
That he might could grow up to fight
For right for every Muggle, every Squib.
But one day Tom, only half sane,
Took his wand and got on a train
Bound for Little Hangleton,
Where he's return, a vengeful son.
He went to the home of his da'
And then whispered, "Sayonara,"
He said, "Avada Kedavra."
That's when the good Tom died.
Oh, sigh, sigh, Heir of Salazar Sly,
Now he's evil and not feeble,
But was once a good guy.
When he left London, he said then what he would try.
He said, "Soon all Muggles are gonna die!
Soon all Muggles are gonna die!"
Did you think that he was called
To grow up to follow Grindelwald?
I did not think so myself.
Did you believe it was just sport
When he called himself Lord Voldemort,
And practiced curses on a poor House Elf?
Well I knew he was a wicked boy
'Cause he hung out with Julius Malfoy.
But he did so well in school
That I trusted him like a fool!
I was a young Transfiguration Prof,
And though now I'm old and have a chronic cough,
I think something shoulda tipped me off
The day the good Tom died.
And so I'm singin'
Sigh, sigh, Heir of Salazar Sly,
Now he's evil and not feeble,
But was once a good guy.
When he left London, he said then what he would try.
He said, "Soon all Muggles are gonna die!
Soon all Muggles are gonna die!"
Now, 'twas fifty or more years ago
When Tom decided he would go
And open up the Secret Place.
So Tom got up and he boldly strode
Into the second storey girls' commode
With a voice that sounded like a snake.
And while the girl was lookin' round,
The Basilisk's gaze struck her down.
The courtroom was adjourned.
Hagrid would not return!
And while Riddle wrote a book muy smart,
I felt the urging in my heart
To hire Hagrid for the Gamekeeper's part
The day more of Tom died.
And I'm still singin'
Sigh, sigh, Heir of Salazar Sly,
Now he's evil and not feeble,
But was once a good guy.
When he left London, he said then what he would try.
He said, "Soon all Muggles are gonna die!
Soon all Muggles are gonna die!"
Holy moly, beef and macaroni,
The boy grew up to be tall and bony,
Then he left for parts unknown.
He then returned after he'd left
With many loyal Eaters of Death
And a face snakelike and white as bone.
Well the English air was charged with fear
While Death Eaters killed for years and years.
Tom went to Godric's Hollow.
Now, this part here's hart to swallow.
'Cause Harry's mum blessed him with her love,
And that was one force Riddle could not shove.
It's what we were most happy of
The day Tom's body died.
We started singin'
Sigh, sigh, Heir of Salazar Sly,
Now he's evil and not feeble,
But was once a good guy.
When he left London, he said then what he would try.
He said, "Soon all Muggles are gonna die!
Soon all Muggles are gonna die!"
Oh, then he came back in Quirrel's bod,
An effort we all should laud,
But was foiled by Harry and friends.
So Wormtail went to bring him back,
Gave him the body he did lack,
And thus Lord Voldemort arose again.
And as I talked to Corny Fudge,
I knew I could not make him budge.
No magic, false or sooth
Could make him see the truth.
And as Cornelius kept on in his sin,
I sent Snape back to where he'd been,
And told Hagrid to go see his kin
The day all Hogwarts cried.
I was singin'
Sigh, sigh, Heir of Salazar Sly,
Now he's evil and not feeble,
But was once a good guy.
When he left London, he said then what he would try.
He said, "Soon all Muggles are gonna die!
Soon all Muggles are gonna die!"
I was arrested by The Man,
And I spent some time in Azkaban
With no chance of posting bail.
I was brought before this court,
In front of all you legal sort,
Testifyin', tryin' to get out of jail.
While in the streets no children play,
And even Muggles fear all day.
Dementors all are prowlin'.
Vamps and Wolfs are howlin'.
Of the three men that I hold most dear,
Moony and Padfoot are here,
But Prongs is not because, I fear,
It was V's fault he died.
Now I'm singin'
Sigh, sigh, Heir of Salazar Sly,
Now he's evil and not feeble,
But was once a good guy.
When he left London, he said then what he would try.
He said, "Soon all Muggles are gonna die!
Soon all Muggles are gonna die!
Sigh, sigh, Heir of Salazar Sly,
Now he's evil and not feeble,
But was once a good guy.
When he left London, he said then what he would try.
He said, "Soon all Muggles are gonna die!"