disclaimers:i dont own it. HONEST!
warnings: uhmmmm.... angry words ^_^ bad language, screaming,
trashing, angst factor. talk of self mutilation. possible suicide
(you have to read to find out)
pairings: 4x2 (ish)
rated: Pg-13? (possible R?? dunno, if blood and anger freak you out
then dont read.)
its uhmmm.. angst.
note: i wrote this on a really really cheesy e-mail thing or
something, with a shitty excuse for spellcheck and no grammar check
whatsoever. sorry, if something is terribly confusing or soemthing
just tell me.
Break
My heart catches in my throat, as my lungs suddenly feel too
small. I scan his face for a sign of anything.
"You... you what....??" he asks me, his voice sounding incredibly
hollow.
"I... I love you Duo." I repeat, my voice shaky and quiet.
He just stares at me. the most blank, uncaring, hollow look I
have ever seen him give. I can almost feel my face pale at his
expression. my stomach flips and my heart drops but my eyes never
leave his.
The most solemn look crosses his face as he sighs heavily and
stands up, turning away from me. he mutters a low 'sorry' as he opens
the door and walks out, closing it behind him.
The sound of the door shutting crashes my entire system. the
emptiness that overwhelms me that moment is indescribable.
The one thing I treasured most, everything my world had revolved
around, just walked out the door. for the longest time he was the
only thing I could think about, the war was over, most of my family
was either dead, or didn't know I existed, and basically everything
had gone to the most irritating, boring level of normality.
And he was the only thing I could ever think about.
He fucking hates me.
My eyes burn and begin to water, despite my efforts to hold the
tears back. a single tear rolls down my cheeks quickly followed by
more. I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hands, only to continue
crying. I wipe at my eyes again, with the sleeve of my shirt.
He fucking hates me.
My damn eyes wont stop watering! my nose is stuffed, I can barely
breathe!
He fucking hates me.
For the longest time I worshipped the ground he walked on. he was
my everything. I thought about him day and night, my stomach would
flip in the most thrilling way when he would smile at me, or share a
kind word with me. everytime I saw him my day just lit up. I didn't
care if it was wrong. all I cared about was him.
And he fucking hates me.
I wipe at my tears again. they just wont fucking stop!! I wipe at
my eyes furiously until the skin burns, I growl deeply and run my
hands through my hair, digging my nails into my scalp.
HE FUCKING HATES ME!!
I grab the closest thing to me, a pillow, and throw it across the
room with all my might, slamming my body against the back of the
couch, putting my face into my hands, digging my nails into my
forehead, pulling my knees up to my chest and just trying to shrink
out of existence.
I growl louder and throw another pillow across the room. then I
throw a blanket that was folded on the back of the couch across the
room. I stand up, growling more, and start ripping the cushions from
the couch and throwing them too.
After throwing the last cushion, I practically throw myself to
the floor. I claw at my scalp again, and lean into my knees to try to
stop the empty, angry feeling twisting inside of me.
I'm not even crying anymore, dry sobbing, choking.
he fucking hates me.
My breathing quickens to a panicked level, hyperventilating.
My vision starts to darken around the edges from the dramatic
change in my breathing, and I hold myself up with both my hand. I
know I;m hyperventilating, but I don't want to stop, I purposely try
to breath faster, harder, in an attempt to slip into unconsciousness.
I stare at the floor and, even with the random breathing pattern
my vision doesn't fade completely.
I take a deep breath and hold it, closing my eyes.
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, and watch as my vision
blurs, and the edges darken. my body tingles and my lungs burn, I
rock back and forth quickly closing ad opening my eyes. continuing to
hold my breath I clench my fists, and punch the floor, trying to hold
it in. I close my eyes tightly and reopen them, staring up, trying my
hardest not to breath. my lungs turn cold, and burn, begging for air.
I punch my fist into the floor again and bend over, hitting my
forehead on the floor, as I let my breath out and take several deep,
quick breaths. I punch the floor again and abruptly sit up, my head
spinning.
I growl once again and grab a random object on the floor and
throw it as hard as I can. I stand up, my legs shaking quite visibly,
and ignore the tears once again streaming down my face as I stumble
over to a table and shove the magazines, books and other objects I
didn't care to notice, on the floor.
Coughing on my own sobs, blinded by my own tears, I stumble
around the room, throwing anything I can find. I didn't even realize
what I was throwing, I heard glass shattering, as if it was a mile
away yet deafening.
I didn't even realize how long I had been throwing things until I
found myself on the floor, breathing heavily, blinking rapidly
through tears and tunnel vision. I growled deeply, turning into a
high pitched screech as I dug my nails into my scalp again,
scrunching my eyes closed. I slammed my fists down onto the hard
floor, numbing half of my hands for a few seconds, then started to
punch my thighs as hard as I could, over and over again.
More tears dripped off my face and fell into my lap.
I turned my left wrist upwards and started to punch it
repeatedly. I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up in a quick, angry
movement and dug my nails into my skin near the crook of the elbow
and quickly pulled my nails through my skin up to my wrist, reopening
several of the day old slashes on my wrist from my razor.
I sobbed again and held my face in my hands, still breathing
heavily, crying profoundly and rocking back and forth.
"Quatre!!!! We need to talk!" I heard Duo scream from outside my
door.
"NO!!" I screamed in a voice that sounded so unfamiliar to me.
"YES! Quatre! you come out here right now, we HAVE to talk and we
HAVE to do it. NOW!" This time Heero was the one screaming through
the door.
Dammit! why wont they just fucking leave me alone! "NO! I cant
stand the fucking sight of you! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
"Quatre you come out of that room this minute or I'm going to
break this door down and drag you out." Heero said, sounding way to
calm for his own fucking good.
I growl and pull my sleeve back down, lucky that the slashes
didn't start bleeding too badly. I stand up and stomp over to my
door, throwing it open and slamming it shut behind me. I walk
straight past duo and Heero, not looking at either one of them, I
walk into the main living room and see that wufei and Trowa are
sitting on a couch, looking solemn.
Oh fucking great, not only do I have to face Duo, but the other
three at the same time.
I stomp over to a seat the farthest from the rest of them, as duo
and Heero took seats close to wufei and Trowa, and sit, facing the
wall, trying to hide my face with my hands.
"Quatre..." Duo starts off, sounding like a parent talking to a
small child, "Look... I shouldn't have just walked out on you like
that I-"
"You're straight, fine. You don't have to go and rub the fact
that I;m a fucked up creep any more. You hate me. I understand. You
don't have to go and let everyone in the world know." I say darkly,
continuing to not look at any of them.
He didn't say anything. nothing. He didn't bother to hide his
disgust towards me, didn't try to say he didn't hate me.
"Now that we covered your immense hatred for me can I go back to
my room?"
"There's more Quatre." Heero says, monotone and calm as fucking
usual.
"What!?" I snap back, clenching my fists, digging my nails into
the palms of my hand, focusing on the pain.
"Look.. Quatre," wufei was speaking now, "we all know you cut."
My stomach sinks and I put my head in my hands as the air in my
lung pushes itself out. of fucking great.
"Quatre," Duo started speaking again, the mere sound of his voice
at this point made my skin crawl in the most uncomfortable
way. "we're worried about you Quatre, I go to sleep at night worrying
about you, not knowing if you're going to be alive in the morning. I
found the razors under the bed, along with the bloody towels. I've
heard of self-mutilation before, Quatre-"
"Don't fucking say you're worried about me!!!" I scream at them,
turning to face them all.
"Why don't you get help Quatre?" wufei says calmly.
"THERE IS NO FUCKING HELP!!!" I scream at the top of my lungs,
clenching the couch cushion in my hands.
"Yes there is." Wufei continues, raising his voice slightly to a
perfectly firm, strong voice that only he could perfect that
way. "There are doctors who would listen to you, and they could help
you, they could put you on medicine and-"
"OH!! That's JUST what I want!! to become some fucking zombie on
a million pills a day. I'd sooner DIE!" my hands were shaking, so was
the rest of my body. tears were positively streaming down my face.
"There is help out there Quatre!! you just don't want it!" wufei
says, raising his voice even higher then it was.
"How the FUCK would you know!?!"
None of them know what its like to be me, how fucking hard it is
to even wake up in the morning. Its not any easier for them to not
know if I'll be alive in the morning then it is for me to not know if
I'll live through the night. on some level I guess I honestly don't
want to die, but overall I really think I do. I tried to hide this
shit from them all. it would have been better if they never found out.
"Quatre." Trowa starts off calmly, how the FUCK can they all be
so calm!. "We talked about it and we think that its probably best
for you to go to a mental hospital for a while."
I sigh and lean back into the couch. I run my hand through my
hair limply. "You wanna send me to a fucking nut house?"
"Quatre... we think it would be good for you." /Duo says
helplessly.
I laugh. a hysterical laugh past the brink of tears. "Good for
me!! oh GOD you guys are stupid..." I continue laughing as I run both
my hands through my hair.
"Do you have any other suggestions?" Heero asks.
"You could just let me fucking die already. All I want is death,
to just END this FUCKING game. thetas all it is. its a fucking GAME a
joke!!!!" I don't even bother to wipe away the tears at this point, I
just lean back into the couch, with my hands in my hair, crying,
laughing softly, eyes closed.
"Death isn't an option here." wufei says in his stern voice.
"WHY THE FUCK NOT!!??" I slam my fists into the couch and stare
at them all. "All I fucking want is to die. The only reason I'm still
alive is cuz I was in love with Duo. But obviously that wont EVER
work out. I have NO reason to live anymore. SO WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET
ME DIE!!!!!!"
"Quatre... you really should just give the institute a try. You
should try to go willingly becaue you're going to go weather you want
to you not." Heero states.
I sigh. A few more tears fall into my lap.
"I'm going to my room to go pack." I stand up and walk towards my
room, not meeting eye contact with any of them. I close the door
behind me, locking it.
I lean against the door and slide down it to a sitting position
on the floor. I look at the complete hell hole my room turned into
and sigh again.
"They wanna send me to a freaking nut house..." I say quietly to
myself. I sigh deeply again and crawl on my knees and hands towards a
little brown journal book thrown on the floor. I sit Indian style
and open the book flipping through the pages until I find it.
My razor.
I roll both my sleeves up and stare at my wrists, my left wrist
already turning a blueish color from where I was punching it and that
cuts on my wrist purple around the edges. My right wrist looks normal.
There really isn't a reason to live anymore... Duo hates my
guts... the rest don't care, they want to send me to a freaking
institute.
I place the razor above the blue vein on my left wrist.
I hear a knocking on the door.
I pull the razor deeply into the length of my arm, splitting my
vein open.
The knocking continues, turning into a pounding.
I take the razor in my left wrist and pull it through the vein on
my right arm.
"Open the fucking door Quatre!!" It was Duo. I really didn't care.
I watch in morbid fascination as the blood literally flows out of
my veins.
The pounding continues then stops abruptly, followed by a sharp
kicking sound and the door swings open. Both Heero and Duo are
standing there.
"Quatre!! You fucking FOOL!!!" Duo kneels in front of me and
pulls my wrists out to see. His face pales noticeably and he screams
at Heero to get a first aid kit and to call 911 or something.
I smile.
"SHIT! Quatre.. you fool! You fucking fool!!" Duo looked like he
was about to cry.
I just sat there and stared him directly in the eyes, a cold,
icy, blank stare. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry I cant accept the fact the
world is a horrible place. I'm sorry I cant accept that There's
nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry I cant accept the fact that I do
need help. I'm sorry that I cant accept the fact that your straight.
I'm sorry......." It feels oddly cold and my vision blurs, "I really
am sorry Duo..."
Either I closed my eyes or my vision went black, but I could
almost hear the sound of Heero running back in the room over the
ringing of my ears.
The last thing I ever heard was Duo screaming my name.
Then complete silence.
warnings: uhmmmm.... angry words ^_^ bad language, screaming,
trashing, angst factor. talk of self mutilation. possible suicide
(you have to read to find out)
pairings: 4x2 (ish)
rated: Pg-13? (possible R?? dunno, if blood and anger freak you out
then dont read.)
its uhmmm.. angst.
note: i wrote this on a really really cheesy e-mail thing or
something, with a shitty excuse for spellcheck and no grammar check
whatsoever. sorry, if something is terribly confusing or soemthing
just tell me.
Break
My heart catches in my throat, as my lungs suddenly feel too
small. I scan his face for a sign of anything.
"You... you what....??" he asks me, his voice sounding incredibly
hollow.
"I... I love you Duo." I repeat, my voice shaky and quiet.
He just stares at me. the most blank, uncaring, hollow look I
have ever seen him give. I can almost feel my face pale at his
expression. my stomach flips and my heart drops but my eyes never
leave his.
The most solemn look crosses his face as he sighs heavily and
stands up, turning away from me. he mutters a low 'sorry' as he opens
the door and walks out, closing it behind him.
The sound of the door shutting crashes my entire system. the
emptiness that overwhelms me that moment is indescribable.
The one thing I treasured most, everything my world had revolved
around, just walked out the door. for the longest time he was the
only thing I could think about, the war was over, most of my family
was either dead, or didn't know I existed, and basically everything
had gone to the most irritating, boring level of normality.
And he was the only thing I could ever think about.
He fucking hates me.
My eyes burn and begin to water, despite my efforts to hold the
tears back. a single tear rolls down my cheeks quickly followed by
more. I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hands, only to continue
crying. I wipe at my eyes again, with the sleeve of my shirt.
He fucking hates me.
My damn eyes wont stop watering! my nose is stuffed, I can barely
breathe!
He fucking hates me.
For the longest time I worshipped the ground he walked on. he was
my everything. I thought about him day and night, my stomach would
flip in the most thrilling way when he would smile at me, or share a
kind word with me. everytime I saw him my day just lit up. I didn't
care if it was wrong. all I cared about was him.
And he fucking hates me.
I wipe at my tears again. they just wont fucking stop!! I wipe at
my eyes furiously until the skin burns, I growl deeply and run my
hands through my hair, digging my nails into my scalp.
HE FUCKING HATES ME!!
I grab the closest thing to me, a pillow, and throw it across the
room with all my might, slamming my body against the back of the
couch, putting my face into my hands, digging my nails into my
forehead, pulling my knees up to my chest and just trying to shrink
out of existence.
I growl louder and throw another pillow across the room. then I
throw a blanket that was folded on the back of the couch across the
room. I stand up, growling more, and start ripping the cushions from
the couch and throwing them too.
After throwing the last cushion, I practically throw myself to
the floor. I claw at my scalp again, and lean into my knees to try to
stop the empty, angry feeling twisting inside of me.
I'm not even crying anymore, dry sobbing, choking.
he fucking hates me.
My breathing quickens to a panicked level, hyperventilating.
My vision starts to darken around the edges from the dramatic
change in my breathing, and I hold myself up with both my hand. I
know I;m hyperventilating, but I don't want to stop, I purposely try
to breath faster, harder, in an attempt to slip into unconsciousness.
I stare at the floor and, even with the random breathing pattern
my vision doesn't fade completely.
I take a deep breath and hold it, closing my eyes.
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, and watch as my vision
blurs, and the edges darken. my body tingles and my lungs burn, I
rock back and forth quickly closing ad opening my eyes. continuing to
hold my breath I clench my fists, and punch the floor, trying to hold
it in. I close my eyes tightly and reopen them, staring up, trying my
hardest not to breath. my lungs turn cold, and burn, begging for air.
I punch my fist into the floor again and bend over, hitting my
forehead on the floor, as I let my breath out and take several deep,
quick breaths. I punch the floor again and abruptly sit up, my head
spinning.
I growl once again and grab a random object on the floor and
throw it as hard as I can. I stand up, my legs shaking quite visibly,
and ignore the tears once again streaming down my face as I stumble
over to a table and shove the magazines, books and other objects I
didn't care to notice, on the floor.
Coughing on my own sobs, blinded by my own tears, I stumble
around the room, throwing anything I can find. I didn't even realize
what I was throwing, I heard glass shattering, as if it was a mile
away yet deafening.
I didn't even realize how long I had been throwing things until I
found myself on the floor, breathing heavily, blinking rapidly
through tears and tunnel vision. I growled deeply, turning into a
high pitched screech as I dug my nails into my scalp again,
scrunching my eyes closed. I slammed my fists down onto the hard
floor, numbing half of my hands for a few seconds, then started to
punch my thighs as hard as I could, over and over again.
More tears dripped off my face and fell into my lap.
I turned my left wrist upwards and started to punch it
repeatedly. I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up in a quick, angry
movement and dug my nails into my skin near the crook of the elbow
and quickly pulled my nails through my skin up to my wrist, reopening
several of the day old slashes on my wrist from my razor.
I sobbed again and held my face in my hands, still breathing
heavily, crying profoundly and rocking back and forth.
"Quatre!!!! We need to talk!" I heard Duo scream from outside my
door.
"NO!!" I screamed in a voice that sounded so unfamiliar to me.
"YES! Quatre! you come out here right now, we HAVE to talk and we
HAVE to do it. NOW!" This time Heero was the one screaming through
the door.
Dammit! why wont they just fucking leave me alone! "NO! I cant
stand the fucking sight of you! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
"Quatre you come out of that room this minute or I'm going to
break this door down and drag you out." Heero said, sounding way to
calm for his own fucking good.
I growl and pull my sleeve back down, lucky that the slashes
didn't start bleeding too badly. I stand up and stomp over to my
door, throwing it open and slamming it shut behind me. I walk
straight past duo and Heero, not looking at either one of them, I
walk into the main living room and see that wufei and Trowa are
sitting on a couch, looking solemn.
Oh fucking great, not only do I have to face Duo, but the other
three at the same time.
I stomp over to a seat the farthest from the rest of them, as duo
and Heero took seats close to wufei and Trowa, and sit, facing the
wall, trying to hide my face with my hands.
"Quatre..." Duo starts off, sounding like a parent talking to a
small child, "Look... I shouldn't have just walked out on you like
that I-"
"You're straight, fine. You don't have to go and rub the fact
that I;m a fucked up creep any more. You hate me. I understand. You
don't have to go and let everyone in the world know." I say darkly,
continuing to not look at any of them.
He didn't say anything. nothing. He didn't bother to hide his
disgust towards me, didn't try to say he didn't hate me.
"Now that we covered your immense hatred for me can I go back to
my room?"
"There's more Quatre." Heero says, monotone and calm as fucking
usual.
"What!?" I snap back, clenching my fists, digging my nails into
the palms of my hand, focusing on the pain.
"Look.. Quatre," wufei was speaking now, "we all know you cut."
My stomach sinks and I put my head in my hands as the air in my
lung pushes itself out. of fucking great.
"Quatre," Duo started speaking again, the mere sound of his voice
at this point made my skin crawl in the most uncomfortable
way. "we're worried about you Quatre, I go to sleep at night worrying
about you, not knowing if you're going to be alive in the morning. I
found the razors under the bed, along with the bloody towels. I've
heard of self-mutilation before, Quatre-"
"Don't fucking say you're worried about me!!!" I scream at them,
turning to face them all.
"Why don't you get help Quatre?" wufei says calmly.
"THERE IS NO FUCKING HELP!!!" I scream at the top of my lungs,
clenching the couch cushion in my hands.
"Yes there is." Wufei continues, raising his voice slightly to a
perfectly firm, strong voice that only he could perfect that
way. "There are doctors who would listen to you, and they could help
you, they could put you on medicine and-"
"OH!! That's JUST what I want!! to become some fucking zombie on
a million pills a day. I'd sooner DIE!" my hands were shaking, so was
the rest of my body. tears were positively streaming down my face.
"There is help out there Quatre!! you just don't want it!" wufei
says, raising his voice even higher then it was.
"How the FUCK would you know!?!"
None of them know what its like to be me, how fucking hard it is
to even wake up in the morning. Its not any easier for them to not
know if I'll be alive in the morning then it is for me to not know if
I'll live through the night. on some level I guess I honestly don't
want to die, but overall I really think I do. I tried to hide this
shit from them all. it would have been better if they never found out.
"Quatre." Trowa starts off calmly, how the FUCK can they all be
so calm!. "We talked about it and we think that its probably best
for you to go to a mental hospital for a while."
I sigh and lean back into the couch. I run my hand through my
hair limply. "You wanna send me to a fucking nut house?"
"Quatre... we think it would be good for you." /Duo says
helplessly.
I laugh. a hysterical laugh past the brink of tears. "Good for
me!! oh GOD you guys are stupid..." I continue laughing as I run both
my hands through my hair.
"Do you have any other suggestions?" Heero asks.
"You could just let me fucking die already. All I want is death,
to just END this FUCKING game. thetas all it is. its a fucking GAME a
joke!!!!" I don't even bother to wipe away the tears at this point, I
just lean back into the couch, with my hands in my hair, crying,
laughing softly, eyes closed.
"Death isn't an option here." wufei says in his stern voice.
"WHY THE FUCK NOT!!??" I slam my fists into the couch and stare
at them all. "All I fucking want is to die. The only reason I'm still
alive is cuz I was in love with Duo. But obviously that wont EVER
work out. I have NO reason to live anymore. SO WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET
ME DIE!!!!!!"
"Quatre... you really should just give the institute a try. You
should try to go willingly becaue you're going to go weather you want
to you not." Heero states.
I sigh. A few more tears fall into my lap.
"I'm going to my room to go pack." I stand up and walk towards my
room, not meeting eye contact with any of them. I close the door
behind me, locking it.
I lean against the door and slide down it to a sitting position
on the floor. I look at the complete hell hole my room turned into
and sigh again.
"They wanna send me to a freaking nut house..." I say quietly to
myself. I sigh deeply again and crawl on my knees and hands towards a
little brown journal book thrown on the floor. I sit Indian style
and open the book flipping through the pages until I find it.
My razor.
I roll both my sleeves up and stare at my wrists, my left wrist
already turning a blueish color from where I was punching it and that
cuts on my wrist purple around the edges. My right wrist looks normal.
There really isn't a reason to live anymore... Duo hates my
guts... the rest don't care, they want to send me to a freaking
institute.
I place the razor above the blue vein on my left wrist.
I hear a knocking on the door.
I pull the razor deeply into the length of my arm, splitting my
vein open.
The knocking continues, turning into a pounding.
I take the razor in my left wrist and pull it through the vein on
my right arm.
"Open the fucking door Quatre!!" It was Duo. I really didn't care.
I watch in morbid fascination as the blood literally flows out of
my veins.
The pounding continues then stops abruptly, followed by a sharp
kicking sound and the door swings open. Both Heero and Duo are
standing there.
"Quatre!! You fucking FOOL!!!" Duo kneels in front of me and
pulls my wrists out to see. His face pales noticeably and he screams
at Heero to get a first aid kit and to call 911 or something.
I smile.
"SHIT! Quatre.. you fool! You fucking fool!!" Duo looked like he
was about to cry.
I just sat there and stared him directly in the eyes, a cold,
icy, blank stare. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry I cant accept the fact the
world is a horrible place. I'm sorry I cant accept that There's
nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry I cant accept the fact that I do
need help. I'm sorry that I cant accept the fact that your straight.
I'm sorry......." It feels oddly cold and my vision blurs, "I really
am sorry Duo..."
Either I closed my eyes or my vision went black, but I could
almost hear the sound of Heero running back in the room over the
ringing of my ears.
The last thing I ever heard was Duo screaming my name.
Then complete silence.