Resident Evil:Mental

Author's Note- Me and my bro, whom we've fondly named Choco Bunny for the moment, thought this up while we were playing Resident Evil 2:THE ANALOG VERSION!!! We don't own Capcom or it's characters, so shit. But we DO own majority of the jokes placed into this ficcy! Enjoy!!!

*=Action
()=Thinking
=Singing
a/n=author's note if you didn't already know

-Setting- Raccoon City, happening at the same time as Leon and Claire, and Nemesis, and all that other shit. Okay? Okay! A little before and a little after the end of the games.

Narrator- One clear night, one of eight heroes, Leon S. Kennedy was driving in his happy little jeep listening to his 60s Gold album to seek his new job in Raccoon City.
Leon- If you believe in magic! In a young girl's heart! (SHUT THE FUCK UP LEON!!!) Okay, I stop now! (Leon? You talk to yourself?) SHUT UP YOU STUPID FUCKING 3RD VOICE!!! (3rd???) ...AHAHAHA!!!
*Leon arrives in Raccoon City and stops in front of a dead carcass and a 7 11*
Leon-Mmmm....Waffles on sale! MUST....STOP....URGE...TO....EAT...WAFFFFFFLLLLLEEEEESSSS!!!! *looks at dead body* Hmm.... Gang wars... A little bloody for gang wars, BUT HEY! Those crazy kids! ^_^
*Groaning is heard*
Leon-I wonder what that was... But, being it a clear night where nothing could POSSIBLY GO WRONG, I'll go check it out because it's safe! ^_^
*Leon walks over to find 3 zombies, all groaning*
Leon- HOLY SHIT! DID I INTERRUPT A THREE WAY OR SOMETHIN' ? Wait a sec... You're people! I hate people! *draws shotgun out of nowhere* Shotgun! A man's weapon! *wink* Let's play a game! You move, I kill you! ^_^
*Zombies continues to advance*
Leon-Oooooo!!! This is my favorite part!!!!
*BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!! Zombies drop dead, but Leon continues to shoot them*
Leon-MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! YOU LIKE THAT PUNK?!?!? (I love being a cop!) ^_^
*Leon does a Final-Fantasy-like victory dance, then runs off to find zombies crowding around his jeep*
Leon-MY JEEP!!! You son of bitches!!!! Die!!! *shoots of all the zombies faces of, then is tackled by a zombie*
*Screen flashes You Died*
Leon-*stands and dusts himself off* *reads the screen* D-E-I-D U-O-Y??? What the fuck? Oh wait! That's You Died. Funny, I don't feel dead. Guess I'll just be wandering around the city, groaning...*sniffle*
Clarie-YOU'RE NOT DEAD, DUMBASS!!! YOU STILL GOTTA SAVE ME!!! JUST PRESS START!!!
Leon-BUT I DON'T HAVE THE CONTROLLER!!!
Choco Bunny-*presses start*
Both-THANK YOU!!!
Leon-Whoa... Zombie hell has chicks...Whoa...
Clarie-*sigh* You dumbass...
Leon-*stands up* Hey! I'm alive!!! WOOHOO! I'M ALIVE! WOOHOO! I'M ALIVE!
*THWACK!*
Leon-OW!! WHAT THE FUCK AS THAT FOR!!!
Clarie-Blarg.
Leon-Wha?
Clarie-Blarg!
Leon-Wouldja run that by me again?
Claire-...Fuck you...
Leon-OKAY! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT NO THANKS!!!
Clarie- O_O
Leon-...Um....^_^
Clarie-Let's run over to that conveniently placed cop car.
Leon-But-but-but jeep!
Clarie-C'mon dumbass!
*Both get into the car and drive into the city*
Leon-So... Um... (C'MON DUMBASS! START A CONVERSATION!) The name's Leon Kennedy. Nice to meet you.
Clarie-I'm Clarie. Clarie Redfield... I came here looking for my brother...
*ODD SILENCE*
Clarie- You're a cop, right?
Leon-Yeah... First day on the job... Fuck that now! *looks at the glove box* Open the glove box...
Claire-*opens the glove box* There are two Uzzis inside...
Leon-Take them... You might need them... *looks at Claire* That's a nice pair of machine guns you got there...^_^
Clarie-*holds up the Uzzis* THANKS! That's a nice shotgun you got there too! ^_^
Leon- Uh, thanks! It's shoots a lot of bullets! ^_^
Mystik Amethyst- ENOUGH SEX JOKES!!!
Leon- Dammit!
Clarie- We were making sex jokes?
*Zombies jumps from the back and latches onto Clarie's head*
Clarie-HOLY SHIT!
*Leon swivels the car to a halt and let's the zombie fly into a stop sign*
Leon-SHE'S MINE BITCH!!
Clarie-What?
Leon-Nothing. We're about to get rammed through the back by some zombie guy driving a truck.
Clarie-...HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?!
Leon-We-
*They get rammed through the back by some zombie guy driving a truck*
Both-*Fly out of the car on opposite sides*
Clarie-Dumbass! You okay?
Leon-*walks through the flames that separate them* Yeah... But I'm kinda on fire...
Clarie- You might wanna take care of that..
Leon- Nah!
*Screen flashes You Died*
Leon-Not again!
Clarie-Choco Bunny...
Choco Bunny-*presses start*
Clarie-MERCI!
Leon-DUDE! YOU SPOKE FRENCH!!!
Clarie- -_-()
*ODD SILENCE*
Clarie- But really, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT!?
Leon-Authors.
Claire-?
Mystik Amethyst and Choco Bunny-*wave*
Clarie- Oh... -_-()

A/N- Not like any of you care, but Author Note. My brother just did something creepy. He finished one of the extreme missions and said I think I finished that in about 3 minutes... And it was EXACTLY 3:00... It creepy us both out... Now back to our regularly scheduled fanfic! ^_~

Oh shit... Well, that's chapter one... If you want us to continue, PLEASE R+R!!! *sniffle sniffle*