Title: It's Not an Obsession
Genre: General
Rating: K/K+
Characters: Inoue Orihime, Ulquiorra Schiffer, Grimmjow Jaggerjack
Summary: Orihime finds out several things about Ulquiorra, much to his distaste.
AN: I blame it on 1. his new Bleach Beat album. It's so emo it's almost hilarious to the point that I break out in laughter. Key word: Almost; and 2. I blame the artist who decided to make Ulquiorra have a ke—well, you'll see. Yeah, it's a total crack-fic, and there's some Ulquihime moments in there too.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
Inoue Orihime sighed and stared dejectedly at the white ceiling above her. Another day, another time consuming boring-ness, she thought, twirling a strand of red-brown hair around her finger. "It's so boring," she muttered to the bare wall vertical of her couch. "There's nothing to do here..."
"How observant," came a voice.
Startled, Orihime looked over at the door to find the Cuatro Espada, Ulquiorra, entering the room, his hands tucked in his pockets once again. She wondered if he ever took them of his pockets other than necessary. Averting her eyes from his constant cold look, she noticed that the arrancar that brought the cart of food was missing.
"Ano, Ulquiorra-san, where's the cart of food?" she asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.
"Aizen-sama has decided to let you cook your own food with the condition that you will eat it," he replied. "Follow me."
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She tried to keep up with him as they made their way through the white citadel, but he was too fast for her, making her stumble from time to time. "Ne, Ulquiorra-san," she panted. "Can you—uwah!" She tripped on the hem of her hakama, sending her down to the cold tiled floor.
Ulquiorra stopped and glanced behind him, fighting the urge to look annoyed. "Get up, woman," he said and started walking again.
Doing exactly what he told her to do, Orihime gathered up her hakama and ran over to his side. "Matte, Ulquiorra-san!" she gasped. "Can't you walk a little slower for me?"
He fought back an exasperated sigh and slowed down to what he considered 'human walking pace' and gave the girl what appeared to be an annoyed version of his nonchalant look. "Why should I?" he asked in a disinterested voice.
Orihime's eyes darted to the shadows where she thought she saw the forms of various arrancar. "U-um, it's kind of scary," she murmured, hunching her shoulders in fright.
Ulquiorra muttered something along the line of 'pathetic', but he did not speed up, much to the girl's relief.
They took a right turn at a fork and went down a flight of stairs that lead to a set of large double doors. Ulquiorra opened it and led her into a large and spotless white kitchen. "You may cook whatever you like in this kitchen," he informed her. "There are a few rules, though. One, you must eat everything that you cook, and two, you must make sure that when you are done, Aizen-sama's kitchen is spotless. Understood?"
But to his dismay, Orihime wasn't paying him any heed. Instead, she rushed over to a large white refrigerator and opened it, her eyes widening in delight. "Uwah! There's so much in here!" she exclaimed in delight, smiling brightly for the first time since she had entered Hueco Mundo. "I can use anything in this kitchen, right, Ulquiorra-san?"
"Yes," he answered. "But yo must clean up afterwards."
"Oh, don't worry," she said brightly, taking out several eggs, a jar of grape jelly, a bottle of honey, and a bottle of chocolate syrup. "I will! Ne, Ulquiorra-san, have you ever eaten a jelly omelet with honey and chocolate syrup before?"
Ulquiorra fought down the urge to throw up. He had never heard of her concoction as 'edible'. "No," he replied coldly.
"Oh." Orihime grinned as she began beating the eggs. "Well then, do you want to try some?" she asked. "Wait, do you guys even eat?"
"We can sustain ourselves by just breathing in the air here," the Espada said. "But yes, we can eat human food or souls if need be."
"I see." Egg yolk was spilling everywhere from her fast beating. "Eh, I'll clean that up!" she said cheerfully. "Anyways, do you eat souls when you're on earth?"
Frowning, he replied with a cold 'no'. "Most souls are trash anyways," he said as if to back up his point.
"But what if the souls had high reiatsu?"
"Even if they had high reiatsu than normal humans, they would still be trash," was his reply. He sighed when she spilt more yolk.
"I see," she said, reaching for the honey bottle to add to the yolk. "So you would rather eat human food than human souls?"
"Yes." She was making a bigger mess, as if doing it on purpose to get back at Aizen. "Give that to me," he said snatching the honey bottle from her hands before she could pour any in and took the battered egg yolks from her. "You are making a big mess, woman."
She smiled sheepishly. "Sumimasen, Ulquiorra-san!" she chirped. "Ne, you have a trash fetish, don't you?"
He raised an eyebrow. "A trash fetish?" he asked, turning on the stove. "And what would make you say that, woman?"
Orihime made a face and giggled. "You mention trash a lot," she replied. "Back when you first came to Karakura Town and just now." She watched as he poured some of the yolk into the frying pan, a bit upset that he hadn't added any honey.
"That is because everything in your world is trash," he said simply. "Do you have anymore questions to ask, woman?"
Orihime made a face again. "Yes," she answered. "Do you have to call me woman? I'm not a woman yet, and I do have a name. Can't you call me Orihime instead of woman all the time?"
Placing the finished omelet on a plate, he said, "And why should I? It is not going to help you any." He began to make another omelet. "But if it will shut you up, very well, Orihime."
"All right," she said happily. "But I get to just call you Ulquiorra then!"
"What difference would that make?" he replied sharply.
The door to the kitchen suddenly burst open and Grimmjow sauntered in. "Eh, Ulquiorra, you're making omelets again, aren't you?" he asked brashly.
Ulquiorra placed the second omelet on another plate and proceeded to make a last omelet with the remaining egg yolk. "How astute," he replied in his regular monotone voice. "Yes, I am making omelets, seeing as how the woman insists on having some." He gave her a look that admonished her for spilling egg yolk.
Orihime made a face and smiled sheepishly. "Uh, I'll just clean up the egg yolk now," she murmured and grabbed a towel.
Ulquiorra glanced up from the pan. "Why are yo here, Grimmjow?" he asked coldly, his melancholic frown deepening a bit.
Grimmjow smirked. "Che. What d'you think?" he replied coolly. "I'm here for an omelet."
Orihime blinked in confusion. Then she was shocked when Ulquiorra asked when he asked a question that seemed so...unlike him, for the lack of a better word.
"Do you want ketchup on your omelet?"
Apparently it wasn't as farfetched as it seemed for Grimmjow waved his hand casually and said, "Nah. I'll just have some cheese on it," and grabbed a bag of shredded cheddar cheese from the fridge and sprinkled some onto his omelet.
Ulquiorra placed the last omelet onto a third plate and glanced over at Orihime. "Do you want ketchup on your omelet?" he asked.
Orihime shook her head. "Well, I've never had an omelet with ketchup before," she said. "But I think I'll stick with honey, grape jelly, and chocolate syrup."
Ulquiorra didn't say anything and disappeared into a walk-in pantry room. Sounds of rummaging could be heard emitting from it.
"What is Ulquiorra looking for?" the girl asked in confusion.
Grimmjow looked at her, his fork centimeters away from his mouth. "Oh, so you've never seen him make omelets before, have you, woman?" he replied. Orihime only could shake her head, making the Sexta Espada smirk. "Heh, well, he has the unofficial title of the first and only Espada chef and the omelet is his signature dish. He's been making that since I can remember. He always adds ketchup to it, though. Then again, he always adds ketchup to his food."
Orihime glanced down at her dish, earning a loud laugh from her dining partner. "Don't worry," he said, chuckling. "He adds ketchup to everything he eats. He has an obsession with ketchup."
"Oh," she replied, her eyes wide in amazement. "So it's like his trash fetish, right?"
Grimmjow let out another bellow of laughter. "You could say that," he said, depositing his finished dish in the sink.
"I do not have an obsession with trash or ketchup," Ulquiorra said, returning from his trip to the pantry with a bottle of ketchup in his hand.
"Sure, whatever you say," Grimmjow replied sarcastically. "Well, I'm off. Time to get rid of some steam."
Orihime glanced at Grimmjow's retreating back before squirting some chocolate syrup onto her omelet. Her eyes darted over to Ulquiorra's omelet and she grinned when she saw him squirting ketchup onto his omelet. "Grimmjow-san is right," she said, taking a bite of the omelet, her eyes lighting up in delight. "You do have a fetish with trash and ketchup."
"It's not an obsession," he replied coolly. "Now hurry up and eat, Orihime."
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Later when she was back in her cell, going over the kitchen fiasco in her mind, Orihime smiled brightly. "Ulquiorra showed a lot of emotions back there," she said brightly to herself. "And I was really happy too!" She giggled. "We should do that again sometimes."
"Do what, Orihime?"
Turning towards the door, she smiled brightly. "We should cook more omelets sometimes," she chirped. "But you know, you do have an obsession with trash and ketchup."
Ulquiorra let out a soft sigh. He was getting attached to her. "It's not an obsession," he repeated once more.
Orihime smiled brightly anyways.
Yes, that was pure crack. Hope I kept everyone in character—especially our favorite emospada. T-T So hard to write Ulquiorra! Ahem, anyways, cookies for you all! And what the hey, I'll give you guys Ulquiorra plushies too! /Gives everyone a batch of cookies and an Ulquiorra plushie/
Oh, and I would provide the link to the site, but apparently it's...missing...