When Mary Sues go bad

The adventures of P.J Croft

Part 1: A fist full of Misato's

Disclaimer: Evangelion doesn't belong to me (anyone who thinks it does must be sniffing too much glue) I don't own any of the Mary Sue's besides P.J either.

Authors notes: I've noticed that there have been several fics that have been popping up recently bashing EVA avatars. While I don't have any love for EVA avatars I think the Storys bashing them could use a little work. Most of them have a fairly run of the mill premise with the regular Eva pilots handing them beat downs. So I decided to do an EVA avatar parody story with a more interesting premise. This fic isn't a typical eva avatar bashing story, but don't worry I'm not exactly nice to them in this story either. One of the things this fic will be dealing with is the usual cliches of the avatar being the author's ideal fantasy hero. What if the author is a deranged maniac? What would their avatar be like? And be warned this fic has Puni Puni Poemi in it!

Who is Puni Puni Poemi?: Puni Puni Poemi is the main character of a two-episode OAV spin-off of Excel Saga called Puni Puni Poemi. She often refers to herself in third person as Kobayashi, the name of her voice actress. Puni Puni Poemi is arguably the most deranged anime I've ever seen. Whoever made it is one of the few people I know of with a more deranged sense of humor then me. The anime is a parody of the magical girl genre. Poemi is the daughter of Nabeshin (the action hero/ director) and Kumi Kumi the mountain girl, two characters that appeared throughout excel saga. They seemingly get killed by a strange purple gangster alien who speaks gibberish and doesn't wear any pants, in a cool battle with Nabishin. After that the alien attacks with some kind of mutated Gundam looking thing. Poemi then finds a magic fish and uses it to transform into Puni Puni Poemi, a magical girl so powerful she can destroy huge mechs with a single punch. After I watched episode two I knew Puni Puni should be the one destined to hunt down and destroy all the SI eva avatars. She has more power then any of them and is so nuts their aura of smooth probably wouldn't effect her. But the only thing poemi really wants is to be a voice actress. As far as I know this is the first EVA fanfic parody of otherwise to cross over with puni puni.

And now lets start

14 years ago

No one really knew it existed but there was a special bar out in the middle of nowhere where all the SI eva avatars would come to drink after a hard day of screwing up their perspective EVA universes. The bartender lifted up two stoned and drunken SI avatars and tossed them outside. They were none other then Issei Mataloun and Lisa Foster. (For those unfamiliar with these two Issei is the sixth child also an angel and seduces Shinji. Same sort of thing with Lisa except she gets Asuka.)

Isssei's head was killing him. He saw a blurred vision of a person in front of him. "Zat you shinji?"

Lisa also woke up seeing a blurry object in front of her. While Issei was stoned and drunk he had dumped a bottle of tabasco sauce on his head. So to Lisas blurred vision it looked like he had red hair. "Asuka? What are you doing here?" both seeing their perspective partners they both turned their aura of smooth on full power. After that things got ugly. I won't go into details of what happened but I will say this. Two EVA SI avatars having sex is sort of like having sex with your sister.

One month later

Issei put his hands over Shinji's eyes "So Shinji how's about you come on down to my place later tonight *wink*."

Before Shinji could respond an angry female voice shouted "There you are!"

"Oh shit!" said Issei who began to back away behind Shinji.

"Issei I'm pregnant!"

"What!?! It's not my fault! Oh no! This means commitment! Why me!"

"What?!? Issei you….I thought you loved me!" Shinji said with tears flowing down his face.

"Sshinji! Don't jump to conclusions!"

Shinji slapped Issei and ran away crying "I'll never have sex with you again!"

"Shinji wait!" Issei was much too disturbed to make his aura of smooth work.

"Listen. Neither of us wants this kid."

"Shinji! NOOOOO! My Shinji!" Issei shouted with tears in his eyes ignoring Lisa.

Lisa kicked him and said "Neither of us want's this kid right? The only other people who know about it is Shinji and the doctor. I already erased the doctor's memory you can do the same to Shinji when you have the chance. I can't get an abortion because the baby's aura of smooth is too strong. But I have an idea. I'll just have the baby and dump him on DJ's door step."

"SHINJI!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!"

"It's like talking to a brick wall…."

"Lisa! I heard you were pregnant!" Lisa turned to see an angry Asuka.

"Hey wait a minute! Asuka put down that monkey wrench!"

Later

D.J Croft got up out of bed to go get his morning paper. He had recently retired from being an EVA avatar and now used his aura of smooth to become the new president for the hair club for men. And remember, D.J wasn't just the president, he was also a client!

D.J opened the door to find a basket with a baby wrapped in a blanket inside it. The baby had pink hair two deely bobbers on his head. He had a note attached to him, which said "Hi, I'm the baby of a disgruntled postal worker. I have no relation to either Lisa Foster or Issei Mataloun. They are completely unrelated to me. Please take care of me and adopt me."

"Oh crap!" said D.J after reading the note. Not even his aura of smooth could get him out of this one. Oh well it was a cute baby anyway. He would raise him to be the best EVA avatar ever, next to him of course. "Well you are a cute kid" DJ put his finger next to his face. The baby opened his mouth to reveal a set of sharp fangs. He latched onto D.J's hand like a rabid pit bull. "AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!" D.J ran about his front yard like a guy who just dove into a pit of angry driver ants naked flailing his arms about until he crashed face first into a brick wall. "I know the perfect name for you. I'll call you P.J Croft!" after saying that D.J fainted from blood loss.

14 years later

Puni Puni Poemi stood in front of a Monolith with the word "Bubba" written on it. "These insidious beings called Mary Sue's or SI avatars have contaminated the evangelion universes for too long. If you can destroy them all I can guarantee you a job as a voice actress in the anime industry."

"Ahhaha! Just leave this to Kobayashi! I'll bring you the head of every avatar faster then a fish on the hot sidewalk in July!"

"Uhh…right" and with that the monolith disappeared.

In the decimated remains of Tokyo three

It had been one month since third impact had occurred. Shinji and Asuka sat on the beach of the ocean of LCL as the waves crashed into the shore one by one. "Asuka. I wish there were another person here. It's just getting to be too lonely."

"What I'm not enough for you? You almost choked me to death a month ago, you didn't seem to be too anxious for company then."

"I'm sorry, it's just that…"

"There you go again! Shinji were the last one's left. No matter how hard you wish for another person no ones going to just fall out of the sky."

Before Shinji could respond they heard something that sounded like the scream of someone falling and it seemed to be getting closer. Then something impacted on the beach sending up a cloud of sand. When the dust settled a pink haired teenage boy with deely boppers sticking out of his head climbed out of the hole. Oddly enough he was wearing a Neon Genesis Evangelion T-shirt. He took a look around and saw the decaying giant Rei head in the ocean. "Awww damn it! I'm in the post EVA series universe! I was supposed to go to some contrived universe that suited my whims but ended up here. No matter. I'm a man destined to be king! Even in a place like this I can make things work for me!"

He turned to see the two children gaping at him. "What are you two looking at? Do I have a hole in pants or something?"

Shinji had seen so many weird things that even something like this didn't surprise him as much as it would of before. He was still pretty surprised though. He managed to stammer out "Uhhhhh….who the…. What the…who are you?"

"Hehe! They call me the blue thunder of Tokyo three! I'm the 22nd child and I'm a man destined to be king! My name is P.J Croft!" he struck a dramatic pose. Shinji and Asuka both started to back away from him with eyes full of fear.

"Shinji! Whatever that thing is it can't possibly be real! We must be having hallucinations. The life of solitude has finally gotten to us and were starting to crack under the pressure!"

"I don't know Asuka. Why would we both hallucinate at once?"

How should I know? Why is there a big giant decaying Rei head in the ocean! These things don't need a reason to happen to us they just do!"

"You have a good point there. What should we do?"

"Just ignore the hallucination. It'll go away eventually."

"Ummm hello? What are you people talking about?" Shinji and Asuka started ignoring him.

"Well you guys aren't any fun. Hmmmm damn it! Misato isn't alive on the post third impact earth! I wanted to seduce her and have really hot sex! Huhahaha!" he began to green lecherously just thinking about it. "And pen pen. He looked so tasty. I wanted to barbecue him and eat him. This world sucks! But I'll be stuck here until I get enough power to open another gateway. Hmmm I know!" he put his hands over some LCL and it began to move around until it solidified into a body double of Misato.

"Ahhhh! Misato-chan! I can't wait!"

"Asuka…..He's doing something weird. He made a fake Misato out of the LCL."

"Just ignore him and he'll go away."

"With my unique ability to control the state of peoples AT fields I can bring you back from that puddle, now solidify!"

Misato solidified and fell to the ground. She was completely naked. She slowly got up and looked around "Shinji, Asuka? What's going on, huh? GYAAAAAH!" Misato put both her hands over her chest and her face turned kind of reddish.

"Ahhhh Misato chan I'm so glad you back!" Said P.J jumping on her.

"I'm not Misato! I'm Kensuke!"

"Hunh? Wait a minute did you just say….Kensuke….. Awww damn I put the wrong soul in there. No matter. I won't give up that easily."

"Wait….are you really Kensuke?" asked Shinji.

"Uhhh yeah… Shinji do you know if there's a bathroom or something around here. I want to check a few things out."

Shinji just kind of turned red and said "Kensuke is this really a good time for this?"

Asuka just sat there muttering something about hentais.

"Ok this time It'll be the real Misato for sure!" P.J solidified the second Misato.

She immediately looked down at her chest and shouted "AUUuuhhh!What the hell happened?"

"Aww dang! You're not the real Misato either are you?"

"No I'm Touji!"

"Eeeeee….I see. I guess I should give it another shot!" P.J's eye was starting to twitch it started twitching even more when Kensuke and Touji decided to go "check stuff out" in private.

"Asuka! I'm beginning to think this might not be a hallucination."

"Shinji this is all your fault!"

"M-my fault? How is it my fault? Well I mean aside from that whole 3rd impact incident."

"Were having a perverted hallucination because you're a pervert!"

"WHAT?!? I never thought of Touji and Kensuke that way!"

"Hmmm this Misato isn't freaking out. Maybe she's the right one."

Shinji and Asuka looked to see the new Misato who stood up and as if on reflex made a motion to straighten her non existent glasses. "Who are you this time?" asked Shinji.

"Shinji….I am your father!"

"No! That's impossible!"

"Search your heart Shinji! You know it to be true!"

"Nooooooooooooo!!!!!" Shinji ran away screaming.

"Making me have perverted hallucinations of his own father (!#~!$~@#$). Asuka began to curse in German as she walked away."

"So your Gendo eh?"

"Correct. Although I do admit…..This is a bit different then usual. And who might you be?"

"I'm P.J Croft , the blue thunder of Tokyo 3 and I'm a man destined to be king!"

"I see. You aren't a regular person. What are you? An angel?"

P.J grinned evilly and said "If you must ask, I'm a demon."

Elsewhere

"Kobayashi punch!" Puni Puni Poemi pounded Max Sterling into a red stain on the concrete with just one blow. She checked him off the list in her little black book. There was just one name left "P.J Croft? Didn't I already get him? No wait that was D.J. All these confusing names! Kobayashi refuses to tolerate such confusing names! People with names like these should be hunted down and killed brutally, no killed painfully! I know painfully and brutally! People with Confusing names SHALL BE PUNISHED! And Mary Sue's with confusing names will be punished more! Why are they even called Mary Sue's if they aren't named Mary? Kobayashi! Kobayashi!" Shouted Poemi who continued ranting like the maniac she was as she flew off into the sky.