She doesn't like it, but she lets him do what he wants. Four months he's been living at their house and she knows that she really can't 't find it in her to truly regret that he makes her life just that much simpler. She can sleep in mornings, lunches are generally made, and so isbreakfast. Liam can stay at home with him - she no longer needs to bring the toddler with her to work, which allowed her to get the job she hasnow. He cooks, cleans, babysits, drives, pays(she prefers not to think about that one) and generally is her live in booty call. She feels like asugarmomma, as if he's her kept boy and it just doesn't seem like...them.
She remembers when he used to steal cars and the rush she got driving away with him that first time. And as much as she misses it, she has toremember what happened when Lip and Ian got involved in Jimmy's shit. So she's happy that no one's getting in trouble anymore, but after theshitstorm that was the last summer, normalcy - at least what passes for it - just feels boring.
He feels boring.
But then he kisses her, and each time, it's like he's looking at her as if he's just seen the most amazing miracle in the world. Each kiss is new andhe imbues adoration into his touches, his loving caresses. He kisses her nose, her closed eyes, that space between her breasts and it's precious. Soprecious. She wants so badly to be happy. To be content with something that's so good. So much more than she could have ever expected to beallowed to have, much less something she deserves.
He loves her.
Fiona knows it more than she's known anything ever, and she's been goddamned sure of a lot of things in her life. Frank always being a drunk. Hermother always leaving. Never having enough money. Those are landmarks by which she can map her life, immovable, unchangeable andnonnegotiable.
Jimmy is unexpected and with his sudden contentedness, she doesn't know who he will turn out to be. Fiona is not content. She wants to runagain, mornings, but she doesn't. She wants to run and run and run but it doesn't happen, because she's stagnated and it's going to suffocate her.
Jimmy smiles.
Fiona melts.
Fiona hates herself for it.
This is a good thing, Fiona Gallagher. Don't give up what you never deserved to have in the first place. This is your second chance, don't throw itaway now.
Why doesn't he try to whisk her away to a hotel for the evening or to some high end restaurant she'd pretend to hate?
Fiona knows it's because he's afraid to loose what he's gained. He did what she always wanted. He stopped treating her like he wanted to, andinstead treated her like she thought she deserved.
Fiona wishes he'd get the hint and annoy the fuck out of her by telling her what she really needs, and then making her enjoy it. But she doesn'thint, and he doesn't change his stay-at-home ways and nothing is going to change if neither of them do.
She kisses him, and wonders, frightened, if this is her life.
She makes love to him, and wonders, terrified, when she stopped calling it fucking.
She feels his arms around her, his lips, his hands, his body pressing, gently, tenderly, and wonders, scared shitless, if, someday, it won't be Liam'sdiapers that Jimmy is changing, but one of their own.
Fiona hides in the bathroom, and cries.