Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, not even the concept.
Author's Note: Once I saw Winter-Rae uploading these User's Guides, I just had to try one of my own. Yes, I'm that unoriginal.
THE USER'S GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR
OWEN
Copyright ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc.
Greetings, dear customer. May I be the first to say you have made a very fine purchase in this OWEN unit. Four out of five doctors recommend the OWEN unit for hours of enjoyment, guaranteed. The fifth was the CHEF HATCHET unit.
If you need instructions on how to maximize the utility of your OWEN unit, check out the enclosed instruction book below.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
NAME: Owen Eatsalot. We don't know if this is his real last name; he just wanted to crack a terrible pun.
TYPE: He's not a doll, he's an ACTION FIGURE.
MANUFACTURERS: The best company ever, ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc.
HEIGHT: 5'10". He'd be 5'11" if gravity wasn't pushing down on him so hard.
WEIGHT: Only 296 pounds.
LENGTH: The IZZY unit refused to tell us.
COLOR: Blond hair and black eyes. They turn green when he's hungry. You won't like him when he's hungry.
ACCESSORIES
Your OWEN unit comes equipped with several Canadian-themed T-shirts, with the gravy stains already provided. Also included is a month's supply of food, which your OWEN unit will have eaten already. Your OWEN unit doesn't require much to be entertained, so nothing else has been provided. Yes, we're a bunch of cheapskates.
Upon receiving your OWEN unit, it is strongly recommended to avoid bathing him. Any exposure to soap, shampoo, or other cleansing products will result in your OWEN unit believing that his skin is burning off, with strange side effects such as a raspy voice, multiple personality disorder, and a fixation towards jewelry and other shiny objects.
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS
Your OWEN unit is designed to respond quickly and eagerly to certain stimuli, especially if it smells good. His controls are voice-activated and he will respond to commands in English, although how well he actually performs the commands is why the CHEF HATCHET unit didn't like him.
Aside from eating all your vegetables and being friendly, your OWEN unit has many more enjoyable uses.
Farting: Whenever your OWEN unit eats anything, he will fart.
Burping: Whenever your OWEN unit eats anything, he will also burp.
Interjections: Need something exciting to say when something exciting happens? Your OWEN unit contains a library of over nine thousand unique interjections to shout.
Escaping from giant animatronic movie monsters: Your OWEN unit is too fat to be lifted by giant animatronic movie monsters.
AVUNCULAR mode: Place a false mustache on your OWEN unit's face to activate his AVUNCULAR mode. When in AVUNCULAR mode, your OWEN unit will eat whenever he feels avuncular.
GAY mode: Press your OWEN unit's belly button to activate his GAY mode. While in GAY mode, your OWEN unit will continuously use double-entendres and act strangely towards men, especially the JUSTIN unit. Also, he will lose interest in the IZZY unit.
Winning: Your OWEN unit has a strange and innate ability to win every game show you enter. Handy if you're low on cash. Then you can use that cash to buy more of our useless products.
Farting: Whenever your OWEN unit eats anything, he will also fart.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Your OWEN unit has full compatibility with every TDI model, especially the IZZY and JUSTIN units. Note that all your OWEN unit will do when seeing a HEATHER or BEAR unit is scream and run in the opposite direction. And he will sob uncontrollably in the presence of the rare, limited-edition MR. COCONUT unit.
PRECAUTIONS
Do not expose your OWEN unit to HEATHER, BEAR, or MR. COCONUT units, airplanes, cacti, or goats. Also, do not get your OWEN unit wet, and do not feed him after midnight. Otherwise he'll get the munchies.
FAQ
Q: Help! My OWEN unit is sleepwalking all over town, terrorizing everyone with his naked body! What do I do?!
A: Our recommendation is to avoid feeding your OWEN unit maple syrup and baked beans in the same day. When your OWEN unit eats these two foods in one day, he will enter SLEEPWALKING mode the following evening. Also make sure to glue his clothes to his body.
Q: Ever since I bought an IZZY unit, she and my OWEN unit would disappear for hours at a time, and peculiar loud bangs and noises would fill the house. Should I be concerned?
A: We at ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc. believe that the answer to your question is better left unsaid.
Q: Why does my OWEN unit smell like a broken car engine?
A: That is completely normal.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: My OWEN unit has recently become moody and mopey. I want my fun OWEN unit back!
Solution: There are several glitches that can occur in an OWEN unit's programming that will result in a sharp decline in optimism. Has your OWEN unit recently angered an IZZY unit? Has it been damaged by a CHEF HATCHET unit's MANIFESTO command? We recommend that you ask your OWEN unit what the problem is; he's programmed for honesty.
Problem: My OWEN unit won't stop ballet dancing. It's really freaking me out…
Solution: Remove your mother's wig from your OWEN unit at once. Ballet dancing OWEN units freak us out, too.
Problem: My OWEN unit is seriously malfunctioning, man! He won't eat anything! I mean, ANYTHING! I'm wigging out, man!
Solution: This is a direct result from your OWEN unit getting damaged by the MANIFESTO command, mentioned earlier. Your OWEN unit will recover in a week, but only if you wire his jaw shut.
Problem: Guh, how d'ya open da box?
Solution: Buy a NOAH unit.
WARRANTY
Your OWEN unit comes with a one-second warranty, for a three percent refund.
FINAL NOTES
For any additional problems, our help desk will be happy to serve you on every day except Christmas and August 12th. ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc. is not legally responsible for any lawsuits, fines, arson, murders, suicides, misdemeanors, felonies, or any other bad stuff caused by your OWEN unit.
We at ChrisMaCleanisawesome Inc. sincerely hope that you enjoy your OWEN unit. Sucker…oops, did we say that aloud?
Author's Note: Well, was that any good? Was it even comparable to Winter-Rae's User Guides? Should I stop stealing other people's ideas and actually update Island of Idiots? I probably should.