The Hidden Child
My name is Samantha Shae Carter-O'Neill, and I am nineteen years old. I have lived with a friend of my parents, Ishta of Hak'tyl, for eighteen years and five months. My parents were forbidden by duty to love one another, but they defied the odds to create me. My mother was ordered to terminate the pregnancy, she lied to protect me. Her fear for me was evident through the bond that mother shares with child, and as such, I have always been afraid of the worlds outside my home. My father was taken from her before I was even two months in her womb, he sent his closest friend to assist my mother with her delivery when I entered their world. I don't remember my parents, or my arrival on Hak'tyl, but I have seen pictures of the people that I was born to, and can only guess at what it was like.
My mother looks like an angel in my dreams, a crown of golden hair falling over her shoulders, eyes as blue as the sky above us. My mother is crying as she hands me to my father's friend, his dark skin frightening me after my mother's lighter tones. Then he is wrapping me in a blanket before he helps my mother to her feet. They must act as if nothing has transpired between them. Teal'c wraps me tighter as we approach something they call the mountain. Just before they part ways, my mother unwraps the blanket from my tiny face and gently wipes away my tears before kissing my forehead. I wail louder, knowing that she is soon to leave me. Pulling something from her uniform, my mother gently puts it between my lips and I am silenced. Teal'c waits for her to surrender me to him completely. "For her own safety." he tells my mother softly when she hesitates. Then she is gone, and he wraps me again in the kel'no'reem mat he had taken with him when my mother's time came upon her. They had planned their deception well, including how to get me through the chappa'ai to safety. Teal'c told their superiors the day of my mother's labor that he was needed on his own homeworld of Chulak, where I would be taken before my arrival on Hak'tyl. I was only hours old when I was placed into the arms of Teal'c's bonded daughter. She had delivered a stillborn child only days ago, and I was sustained by her child's nourishment while Cor'rin herself was overjoyed to have a child to raise. No one on Chulak knew of her child, her husband, Teal'c's son had tried to protect her from the pity that surrounds a childless mother in villages. My arrival ended that, and I was raised as their daughter until we came to Hak'tyl.
I am my mother's lie, my father's disobedience, and their hidden child. For that, I wonder if I shall ever see them. I have never laid eyes on my father, only in the yearly photographs Teal'c is able to smuggle to me when he arrives to visit his son and bonded daughter. He tells me each time he sees me that my parents would be proud of the woman I am now, that they send their love. I wonder, do they really? I am the one thing that could end their careers if I am brought to the attention of their superiors. My birth parents are heroes to my adopted people, and I am revered as their daughter.
Two years ago during the harvest season, I was bonded to a young man on Hak'tyl. I hoped my parents would come, but only Dr. Jackson and Teal'c did, ostensibly as the stand-ins for the people I came from, the people of Tauri. Our allies against the Goa'uld, guests from Taure', they were highly anticipated, and I was among the ones at the chappa'ai to greet them. I was told before their arrival that my parents were coming, that they were going to meet me for the first time. Dr. Jackson seemed startled when I asked of them, but told me that it was not that they did not want to see me, but much paperwork to send an entire team off world for a festive occasion. I hear his words that he does not speak, they were afraid that their lies and deceit would be caught out when asked why they were invited to my bonding. To their superiors, I am just a woman from the planet. That is why Dr. Jackson came, to study the cultural bonding, and Teal'c to see his family. No one comes just to see me.
I touch my swollen belly with wonder, my child is due at any time. I wonder if this is how my golden mother felt when she placed her hands over my tiny kicking feet, or laughed when I twisted uncomfortably inside her womb. Did I ever pain her when she awoke in the mornings, heavy with me? Did my father ever awaken her some nights, his hands on her belly as the child kicked, as my husband does?
I fear I will never know these things, as I will always be their hidden child.
********
When my labor begins, I am watching the chappa'ai for Teal'c, Cor'rin, Ry'ac, and my husband's return from their mission. None would tell me what it was about, nor where they were going. I am miles from the village, by the time I get there the child will have been born. My only hope is that someone notices that I have gone missing and comes to find me. Ishta would be welcomed even now, although I have once again set off without telling her where I am headed, something which I have been warned not to do repeatedly. Perhaps I am more like my parents than I had originally thought.
Pain wracks my body as my womb fights to expel my child from it's dark depths. I must remain calm and attempt the delivery myself, a feat that is only whispered of in our village. It does not help that we live with the fear of the unknown coming through the chappa'ai, and I curse myself for my foolishness at remaining for so long past the midday meal. Past the time that my adoptive father had promised to return. As I sit amongst the grasses, struggling for the breath to reach my tortured lungs, I hear the unmistakable sound of the chappa'ai engaging. I must remain silent, hidden, until I recognize the intruders. The first to step out is a stranger, silver haired and standing tall, followed by my adoptive father, Ry'ac. I know he is safe, but still I wait until the ring disengages and he is leading the way with Teal'c and my husband, a woman with hair like the sun following closely behind. Screaming for my father as pain fills me once again, I cry tears of relief that he has returned. His strong arms are around me in seconds, clutching me to him like when I was young. For once, I don't think about my birth father, I only cling to the one I know while writhing with pain. I am being torn from the inside out, my cries of pain are endless now. Suddenly, Teal'c nudges the woman forward and into my line of sight. My blue eyes meet hers, and I am suddenly afraid of her. I know she would never hurt me, but I still fear her touch. I turn instead to my mother's gentle hands as the men step back to give me my privacy.
"The child comes, Shae. You must push." my mother tells me kindly.
"Shae? This is Shae? Samantha Shae Carter-O'Neill?" the strange woman asks quickly. My mother and I are too caught up in the labor to answer, she runs to the silver haired man that came with Teal'c and they speak for several moments before he spins to stare at me. That much I can see.
My child fights to stay within me, even as I struggle to get it out. If not for my mother's quiet encouragements, I would have given up. I am exhausted and in pain, weeping with every new pain when my mother finally looks up at me, her smile bright. "I believe it to be almost over. One more push, Shae." she murmurs to me. Her hands brush the hair from my face and I realize that, for her, I am her daughter. No longer am I hidden, but in plain sight. For the first time in my life I am not the hidden child.
Bearing down, I force the child from me and collapse back against my father as my mother cleans my child and wraps it in her favorite head covering before handing it to me. I am in awe of this perfect being that my husband and I have created, and wonder fleetingly if this is how my birth mother felt when she held me for the first time, before she hid me away. Then Teal'c is kneeling in the grass beside me, I proudly hand my child to my grandfather. His eyes smile even though he does not, showing his happiness. I am aware then, of how close to me the strangers are. I turn to look up at them, slightly angry that they have seen my most private moment. My mother sees my hesitation, then the way I tuck my child closer against me for safety, and hastens to explain.
"They are your birth mother and father, my daughter."
My world comes to a halt, and dimly I see the woman reaching for me. I am afraid that she wants to take my baby to hide it as well. They are alarmed when I rise and move away from them, holding my child close. No one will take it from me. My grandfather reaches me first, allowing me space to walk he asks what is wrong.
"They will take my child, they will hide itl, I will not allow them to take my child away. I will not be party to their lies and deceptions any longer. Cor'rin and Ry'ac are my parents, Ishta my grandmother. I will not be parted from my child." I spit out in fear. Before I can move, the woman approaches. She has heard our soft exchange and come to intervene. I wrap my child in my arms, holding her gaze evenly.
"Shae-" She begins. I turn to my grandfather imploringly, I know he cannot resist me anything when I do this. This time, however, he does.
"These are your birth parents. They are not here for your child, but to see you." he tells me firmly. I know this tone, and feel tears well up in my eyes. But I do not relinquish my child to him, or anyone else. My husband takes my arm gently, leads me to the strangers. "Shae, I would like you to meet General O'Neill and Colonel Carter." he says gently. At the names, I take a deep breath. I was named for both of them. Teal'c said they ensured that. I look down at my child, fighting the urge to take it and run, never looking back. All I need to survive is my child. When Carter moves closer, I feel my grandfather's eyes on me. I know he is silently ordering me to show affection to them. But I can't.
Not until I know the truth.
"Why was I hidden?" I ask her bluntly. She seems unfazed by the question, as if she knew it was coming. Before she can speak, however, O'Neill steps in.
"We were afraid." He tells me. The words hang between us, I know he speaks the truth. It is what my grandfather tells me every time I ask him that same question.
"I was an infant, hardly bigger than this one. I do not believe that you were afraid of me." I say coldly.
"No, not really. We wanted to keep you, but our work got in the way. If you had been born to a normal couple, you would have been well looked after. As it was, we would have been court martialed out of the SGC. Our best option was to hide you until we retired and we could bring you to earth with us again, show you what you've been missing all these years." Carter continued. They are comfortable with one another, as if from years of knowing one another. I had dreamed that they were fighting their superiors to bring me home to Earth, and now, hearing it from their own mouths, the truth is too much for me to take.
"So go to Earth. Say nothing of me, and never return here. I will no longer be your secret, the hidden thing you never speak of. It is apparent to me that I was given away to protect your career, something I am glad I do not have. My child will know his true mother, as I have. My mother held me when I cried, stayed up with me when I was ill at night. My mother delivered my child, and you sent me away, to be hidden. In nineteen seasons, you never once sent word, never once came to see me. I will no longer be your hidden child, for I am no longer yours." I tell them, then gently soothe my crying child as I begin the walk back to the village.
My mother catches up with me, I hand her my child with a smile as she gently kisses my cheek.
I am no longer hidden, but am in plain view.