Dipping Into the Past
*Author's Note: This story takes place during the 6th book right after Snape kills Dumbledore and runs off with the other Death Eaters. Enjoy!*
Dumbledore's office felt perfectly still around Remus, as if, even though time was rushing in confused spirals throughout the rest of the castle, it couldn't affect this room. Everywhere else in Hogwarts was filled with chaos: people running to and fro trying to pick up the pieces after the break in of the Death Eaters, attempting to cope with the reality of Dumbledore's death, but this room felt blissfully calm. Remus sank down into one of the chairs opposite where Dumbledore usually sat and ran a hand agitatedly through his greying hair. He felt so stupid. How could he have trusted Severus? He had actually been relieved to see the other man arrive at the fight, had happily let him rush up to the astronomy tower, and Severus had killed him. The man had gone and killed Dumbledore. How could Remus have been so stupid? But he had trusted Severus. He had thought-
Remus' train of thought was broken by a clatter at the window and indignant hooting. A dark grey owl was glaring reproachfully at Remus through the window pane, and Remus hurried to let the bird in. As soon as the window was open enough, the owl swooped in and landed huffily on the desk, thrusting a leg on which a small package was tied towards Remus. Remus removed the package, curiously flipping open the small card taped to the top. The card stated in very neat handwriting: "Memories for Remus Lupin in the hope that he will understand." It was not signed.
A little apprehensively, Remus slit the tape on the package with a fingernail and peeled back the thick, brown paper to reveal a small box within. Remus tentatively removed the lid of the box and reached down to grasp the small, silver bottle within. Silver tendrils of memory swirled inside the bottle, and a thrill of curiosity thrummed through Remus as he glanced around Dumbledore's office. He knew there was a pensieve in here somewhere. Sure enough, nestled in one of the cabinets was the smooth surface of Dumbledore's old pensieve. Remus drew it out and set it upon the desk, uncorking the bottle and carefully pouring its shimmering contents into the basin. He watched as the memories swirled in the basin for a moment, admiring to the way they tangled amongst each other only to separate once more. It was almost like they were dancing. Then Remus took a deep breath and leaned down, pressing his face into the cool surface of the pensieve's contents.
He felt a tug and then the sensation of falling before he landed by the lake at Hogwarts. The sun beat down on him, casting a warm glow on the world and glinting across the surface of the lake, but Remus couldn't feel the heat of it on his face. Sitting beside the lake and leaning against a tree to read was a much younger Severus. Strands of greasy hair fell in front of the boy's face as he leaned over his book, completely absorbed in his reading.
"Well, look what we have here." Remus looked over to see a teenage James strutting down the path to the lake, a mischievous grin spreading across his face at the sight of Severus. He was flanked by Sirius, who was young enough to still be quite handsome, Azkaban not yet having stripped him of his good looks, and a younger version of Remus himself. Despite the age difference, the younger Remus looked just as ragged and worn as the current Remus. Even in youth he had looked tired and pale. The trio approached Severus, who quickly flung aside his book at the sight of them and went for his wand, but James was faster.
"Levicorpus!" cried James, pointing his wand at Severus who was instantly jerked into the air as though a giant hand had grabbed him by the angle and hoisted him up. Sirius and James beamed, but the younger Remus frowned, looking nervously back and forth between his friends and the scowling Severus.
"Well," crooned James as he slowly circled the hanging Severus, "What should we do 'im?" Sirius smirked, taking a swaggering step towards Severus, whose scowl deepened.
"I reckon we ought to-" but Remus had stopped listening to what was being said. Instead, he looked at Severus' face. Despite Sirius being all in his face and James' taunts, he wasn't looking at either of them. Instead, he was looking past them at the younger Remus. Remus followed Severus' gaze and examined his younger self as well. He was shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, his brows creased in worry and his mouth open as though to object. He met Severus' stare head on, as though trying to apologize with his eyes. Throughout the whole thing, Severus and Remus held eye contact, Severus staying stony faced and the younger Remus looking upset. Remus could remember this encounter. He remembered wanting to step in, to say no, but these were his only friends. Sirius and James had accepted him even though they knew he was a werewolf. He couldn't risk their friendship over this. He just couldn't. At least, that's what he had told himself. But he had wanted to stop it, he really had. Maybe Severus had seen that in him.
Then world began to blur around Remus, the landscape swirling into streaks of silver before settling again into a corridor within Hogwarts. Severus was hurrying down the hall, book bag slung over one shoulder, a potions book clutched to his chest. Remus hurried to catch up with him, having to jog a little to keep up with the swiftly moving Slytherin. The pair rounded a corner only to catch sight of James, Sirius, and a younger Remus huddled over what looked like a piece of parchment, but what Remus recognized to be the Marauder's Map. Sirius and James didn't seem to notice Severus as he passed, too absorbed in their planning, but the younger Remus did and as Severus passed, he shot the Slytherin an apprehensive smile. Severus looked shocked for a minute, but then he tentatively smiled back before hurrying along the corridor and out of sight of the trio.
Remus turned to follow him, but Severus was already disintegrating into silver as the world rearranged itself into the Hogwart's grounds. It was night, and all was quiet around Remus as he looked around, spotting Severus huddled behind a tree as he peered cautiously around the tree's trunk at a cluster of Griffindors. Sirius, James, Peter and a younger Remus were making their way across the grounds towards the Forbidden Forest. Remus winced. He knew what was about to happen. This was the night Severus had followed him into the Shrieking Shack. This was the night Remus could've killed Severus if it hadn't been for James. Remus didn't follow when Severus crept along after the other boys. He didn't want to see what happened next.
A couple of minutes later the landscape blurred again to melt into the stark white walls of the hospital wing. Severus was lying in one of the numerous beds, a deep scowl etched into his face as though it had taken permanent residence there. Remus could hear Madam Pomfrey humming cheerily from her office, but that was the only noise in the room before a small cough drew Remus' attention to the door. A younger version of himself stood there awkwardly, staring at the toes of his shoes as though afraid to look up at where Severus was glaring at him.
"Could I- could I have a word with you, Snape?" muttered the young Remus, glancing nervously at the dark haired Slytherin. Severus sneered.
"I don't think your murderous little friends would like that now, would they?" Severus drawled, his words laced with obvious fury. The young Remus' frown deepened.
"Don't call them that, Snape. They didn't mean any harm." Severus scoffed, shaking his head disbelievingly.
"Don't give me that bollocks. They meant to hurt me! Their stupidity could have killed me! You could have killed me! If James hadn't chickened out, I would be dead right now and it would be all you and your friends' fault," Severus looked disgusted, clearly hating the idea of needing James to save him. The young Remus looked down at his shoes again, obviously upset by Severus' words, but what the other boy had said was true. He could have killed Severus. His daft friends had taken things too far this time.
"You're right," murmured the young Remus, "I could have killed you. I can't control myself when I'm like… that, and because of that and because my friends are pricks, you were in danger, and you got hurt. I'm sorry, Snape. I really am." Severus looked as though someone had slapped him. He opened and closed his mouth once, as if unable to form a reply. Clearly, he had been expecting taunts, not an apology from Remus.
"I-I see," he said finally. The pair just stared at each other for a long moment before the young Remus shot Severus a relieved smile and said, "Well, I guess I'll just be going then. You probably don't want me here, and James and Sirius will be wondering where I am." Snape winced at the mention of Remus' friends, but he kept staring contemplatively at Remus, as though trying to decide something about the other boy. The young Remus stood there awkwardly for a second before turning to leave. Just as he was about to reach the door, though, he was stopped by Severus' smooth voice.
"I don't mind. You being here, I mean. It's ok." The young Remus looked back over his shoulder at the other teen in surprise, and the two boys stared thoughtfully at each other for a long moment before Remus grinned and nodded.
The world melted into silvery pools that reshaped themselves into the owlry. Owls ranging in size and color hooted dolefully from their cages around Remus as the sounds of angry yells reverberated around the room. Severus and a teenage Remus were arguing furiously with each other. They looked a little older than in the last memory. Clearly, a couple of years had passed between then and now.
"How can you hang around with those prats, Severus!" yelled the younger Remus as he glared furiously at the other boy, "You know how awful those sods are! Surely you know the horrible things they've done! They're bad people, Severus, very bad people." Severus' face was contorted with rage, his fists clenched at his sides.
"You don't know shite, Remus. These people are going to be really powerful someday, and I'll be up there with them." Remus shook his head, clearly disgusted with Severus right then.
"That's a load of twaddle and you know it, Severus. Those people are nothing but bullies, and any way they get power you can bet will be a nasty one. Those are rotten people, Severus, even you must know that." Severus began to practically shake with fury.
"Even I? Even I know that? What is that bloody well supposed to mean, Remus?" The younger Remus looked almost sheepish, but he stood his ground against the other boy, pressing his shoulders back and standing tall.
"Yes, Severus, even you. You've always been into the dark arts, but I always thought you'd stop short of actually harming anyone. But these people you've been hanging around with, they're bad news. They hurt people all the time without batting an eyelid, and if you want to hang around them then you're bloody mental!" Remus looked Severus straight in the eye, disdain and disappointment clearly etched across his features, "I thought you were better than this, Severus, I really did." Then the younger Remus stalked angrily from the room, leaving a stunned and fuming Severus behind. Severus growled, kicking one of the stone walls hard as furious tears sprang to his eyes. The fists at his sides slowly unclenched and Severus slid down into a crouch, resting his forehead against his knees as hurt and angry sobs wracked his form. It was too late to back out from what his new friends were doing now. It was too late.
Remus stepped forward, momentarily forgetting this was all in the past as he unconsciously moved to comfort the other boy, but it was too late. The owlry had already dissolved and reformed to become the very office Remus' body was currently standing in with its head in a basin. The Remus in this office, however, was quite a bit younger, although he was now an adult. Dumbledore sat across from the younger Remus, his hands folded on the desk in front of him, a thoughtful expression in his twinkling eyes. Behind Dumbledore stood the dark figure of Severus Snape.
"I know this is rather hard for you to grasp, Remus," said Dumbledore soothingly, "It's hard to make such a change in your way of viewing the world, but I assure you Severus here is one hundred percent on our side in this war." The younger Remus glanced disbelievingly over at Severus, his features showing his clear distaste for the other man. Severus just sneered at him.
"I find that hard to believe, Dumbledore. He is practically in He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's lap. How can you be so sure he's on our side," the younger Remus demanded, glaring daggers at Severus.
"Now, now, Remus, let us be rid of this nonsense of calling him He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. His name is Voldemort. There is no harm that can come from using someone's name. As for the matter of my trust in Severus, I have very good reasons I assure you. You do trust my judgment, don't you Remus?" Remus' frown deepened.
"Of course I do, sir, it's just-"
"You do you trust my judgment, Remus?" Dumbledore repeated more forcefully. Remus sighed, leaning back in his chair and kneading his temples with his middle and index fingers in defeat.
"Yes, Dumbledore," he sighed, "I do."
"Excellent," Dumbledore beamed, and even though his younger self didn't see it, Remus caught a glimpse of the hopeful look Severus shot him. The look was only for a second, but that was long enough for it to be clear to Remus that the other man had wanted his approval very much. Severus had wanted, maybe even longed, for them to be on good terms again. He wanted Remus' trust.
Then the office dematerialized and became Severus' dark and dreary office. Severus was hunched over his desk, grading some of his student's papers and smiling a little to himself every time he gave someone a bad grade (sometimes you have to appreciate the little things in life) when there came a knock at the door.
"Come in," barked Severus, not bothering to glance up from his work as the door swung open and a slightly younger version of Remus stepped in. This event had taken place only a couple of years ago, back when Remus had been teaching at Hogwarts if Remus recalled correctly.
"Professor Snape," said the young Remus rather stiffly, "I'm sure you know why I am here." Snape nodded, looking up at the young Remus as he pointed towards a small bottle on his desk.
"Yes, of course. Your potion is here, Professor Lupin," Severus emphasized the world professor as though skeptical that it should be there. The younger Remus stiffened.
"Look," he said through clenched teeth, "I know you don't approve of… someone like me being a teacher here, but I have every right to teach here, and I am your coworker now, so I will have your respect." The young Remus stood tall, staring at Severus as though daring him to talk back. Severus just looked thoughtful though. Finally, he nodded.
"Alright." The young Remus looked stunned. Never in a million years would he have guessed Severus would back down from a fight.
"Would you… like some tea then, Professor?" Severus asked quietly, and now the young Remus really was shocked.
"Well, um," he stuttered, trying to regain his composure, but failing under the scrutinizing gaze of his coworker, "Uh, Sure, Snape, that sounds, um, nice." Remus sank down into one of the chairs across from Severus as the other man flicked his wand, causing a tea pot to soar into the air and pour some of its contents into a tea cup. The tea cup then floated across the room to hover in front of the young Remus.
"Do you have any cream and sugar?" asked the young Remus, looking hopefully over at Severus who shook his head.
"No, I can't abide that stuff in my tea." Remus made a face, but gingerly grasped the cup anyway and took a hesitant sip as though half expecting the thing to be poisoned. It was the first civil moment the pair had had in a long time.
Snape's office crumbled around Remus, pieces of furniture turning into thick silvery blobs which rapidly reformed into the staff room at Hogwarts. This time, a younger version of Remus was nowhere to be seen in the memory. The only people in the room were Severus and Professor Flitwick. The pair were both clutching tea cups in their hands, and Flitwick's eyes widened as Severus placed a sugar cube in his tea before pouring a trickle of cream into the beverage as well.
"Cream and sugar, Severus? I thought you hated those in your tea?" the little man asked in shock. Severus just shrugged as he watched ribbons of cream swirl delicately through his tea.
"Just seemed like a good idea," he said quietly, the ghost of a smile forming on his pale lips. Then the room was blurring once more around Remus and he was transported back into Severus' office. This time, the tea cups lay abandoned on the floor as Severus' hand tangled itself in the younger Remus' light brown hair, his lips moving hungrily over the werewolf's. The kiss had tasted sweetly of tea, Remus recalled. Severus had put sugar in his tea that day. He'd been doing it for a little while now.
Just as the younger Remus let out a soft moan, the room blurred around Remus, reappearing as Dumbledore's office. Snape was pacing angrily in front of the desk where Dumbledore calmly sat.
"You can't seriously expect me to do this? You can't expect me to, to kill you! I have done everything you have asked of me so far, Albus, but I can't do this. I just can't." Severus yelled, staring in wide eyed desperation at Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked sad as he scrutinized Severus, his blue eyes lacking their usual twinkle.
"We both know I will die soon because of this curse, Severus," Dumbledore stated matter-of-factly as he gestured towards his blackened fingers, "I'll admit, I would prefer the less painful and swifter death you would bring me." Severus' pacing quickened, panic lacing his steps.
"Albus, I can't. I can't. He has already forgiven me so much, he could never forgive me if I killed you," Severus stopped his pacing and slammed both hands on the desk, staring into Dumbledore's eyes in furious desperation, "I have already given up so much for you, Albus, but you can't ask me to give up him! He's the one good thing in my life Albus, the one bloody good thing!" Albus' eyes had a wet sheen as he reached out with blackened fingers to grasp Severus' hand.
"Please, Severus, when the time comes, which we both know it will. We both know that when Draco fails to kill me, you will be called upon to finish the task, and when that time comes have mercy. Put a poor old man out of his misery." The two stared at each other, Dumbledore looking mournful and Severus looking scared, before Severus sighed and hung his head.
"Fine, Albus, I will do it."
"I want you word, Severus," said Albus softly as he gently squeezed Severus' hand.
"I promise. When the time comes, I will…" Severus faltered for a moment, as though it pained him even to say it, "kill you."
"Thank you, Severus," murmured Dumbledore. Then he added soothingly, "He will understand, Severus. He's a fair man. He'll forgive you helping an old man out of a certain and painful end." Severus couldn't bring himself to look at the other man, his eyes filling with tears as he stared down into his own lap.
"I hope you're right Albus, I really hope you're right."
"Ah, but my dear boy," said Dumbledore confidently, the twinkle back in his blue eyes as he gave Severus a cocky wink, "When have I ever been wrong?"
Remus felt a sharp tug behind his belly button and then he was zooming backwards, streaks of silver staining the air around him as he retreated from the scene in Dumbledore's office. Remus landed with a thud back into his own body, pulling his head out of the pensieve as relieved tears pricked at his eyes. So it had been on Dumbledore's orders. It had all been on Dumbledore's orders. He hadn't been wrong to trust Severus; he hadn't been a fool. An irritated hoot tore Remus from his thoughts as he turned to look at the impatient owl perched on his desk. Clearly, the owl was waiting to take back a reply.
Remus crossed over to the desk, flipping over the note Severus had written him and quickly scrawling, "You're such a prat, but I love you anyways," on the back before tying the parchment to the owl's leg. The owl let out a satisfied noise before taking off, swooping out of the open window and away into the inky night's sky. Remus smiled a little to himself. Severus had been good after all. He had known he was. Deep down inside, he had known it was alright to trust Severus. He had just known.
*Author's Note: Well there you have it! I hope you guys enjoyed the story, and please review with any feedback. Thank you! :D*