HI! This is a story from the fabulous Isakoliki and me, Jian. Although we do appreciate your comments, we know it's short and we know it's not particularly brilliant. It's only meant to be a bit of fun and a way of expressing our views on what really happened in the film.

Disclaimer- Although we'd love to, unfortunately we don't own Phantom of the Opera or any of it's music, characters and saddest of all we don't own Phanty in those tight pants. (SEXEH)

Chapter 1-How it all began

Dear Diary,

At the moment I am most pissed off. Firstly, that stupid Cristine girl actually sang. IN A SHOW. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY? I mean when I put on my big "Angel of Music" voice, I didn't think she'd actually take me seriously for heavens sake.

I just had fun watching her look all confused and frankly weird. Then she starts singing, "Angel of Music blah blah blah blah." Except it was really, really high. My poor, poor ears. (note to self: next time I go anywhere near the woman take ear plugs. Is it not possible for her not to sing everything she says) Even the other woman was better. The Carlotta one. And she was terrible.

NOBODY ASKED YOU TO SING CRISTINE! I still can't believe she never noticed me hanging off the ropes over her bed. Too bad I couldn't borrow the CD player (that's another thing the orchestra don't actually play, they've got a bloody CD player in the orchestra pit. THE WHOLE THING'S A SHAM I TELL YOU). The mission impossible them tune would SO have been playing. I even spat on her once. OK I know I said it was an accident at the time but hey, I thought it would be funny.

And another thing that complete ponce with the blond hair took my seat. MY SEAT! When I expressly told people (not mentioning names Joseph and Madame Giry) to leave the damn seat for me. I swear he farted on it as well. At least twice. I'll never look upon my beloved seat in the same way again. In fact, the whole box. It's been contaminated by Raoul farts. This problem is completely new to me. Nobody's ever gone near there before. Maybe it's the blood stain on seat number three that deters them…it was completely innocent I tell you. I had a nosebleed. Too much candyfloss (aka SUGAR) is bad for me. Besides they're terrified of me. Mwaha.

"Oh no the scary Opera Ghost is going to get us, aaah."

Seriously dudes I won't touch you if you don't go near my seat. Opera Ghost though. Catchy don't you think? I've started signing my letters with it. Hey, they all know it's me. Apart from the editor of A Guide to Keeping your Opera Seats Clean Weekly. There was so much confusion over that. And I didn't get my magazine. Which means I'll have to wait a whole week.

So, after the show I decided to teach him a lesson. (Raoul that is. As a matter of fact I'm on very good terms with the editor). I took his little girlfriend down to my humble abode (I hate the way people call it a lair it seems pretty cosy to me). I also got to give shrieky-lady a scare as well by appearing in the mirror at shouting at Raoul. Was great anger management actually. I could make a fortune from it…

But anyway. The woman took it way too seriously. Yet again she sang. Unfortunately her incessant shrieking set of the poisonous gas (it wasn't really bad it would just knock her out for a few hours and give us all some peace) I'd left for her the previous night. We were both kind of engulfed in it. I think it was actually a bit stale because it did not have the desired effect on her and it stank. I knew that dealer who sold me it was dodgy.

So here's me coughing and spluttering and she's like,

"Oh my god he's so amazing and he's drawing me in with smoke! Let's all sing in really high pitched voices lalala."

I know I'm good love but I'm not that good.